Finally, she spoke. Her voice was flat. “I haven’t told you everything that you need to know about me, Fi. I know that the way I’ve embraced Seeking has been a surprise to everyone. It seems inconsistent with who you all think I am. And there was a time when that was true. I was a sweet, simple girl…until Layla,” she choked, tears welling in her eyes.
“Oh, Sara,” Fi whispered as she wrapped her arms around her disintegrating friend. “What is it? Who’s Layla?” Sara started to shake as sobs wracked her body and Fi held her and rocked her, not pushing any further. So this is it, she thought to herself. She knew it. She knew that there had to be something.
Sara’s sobs subsided and she sat back against the tree. Her eyes stared into the distance. “I was twelve when my cousin Layla was attacked. She was only fifteen, and she was such a beautiful girl.” She shook her head against the tree as the tears continued a silent march down her cheeks. “Layla was like my sister. We spent a lot of time together growing up, before they moved away.” She sniffed and wiped her nose. She turned to Fi, her eyes stormy. “The guy grabbed her on the way home from school, Fi. And when he was done…” her voice broke. Fi grabbed Sara’s hand, whether to steady herself or her friend, she didn’t know.
“When he was done, he cut her face,” Sara moaned. “A line on each cheek. He fucking marked her.” She started to sob again and Fi felt her own eyes fill with tears. Jesus, she thought, no wonder Sara hated the evil, the marauder, and the bully. Now it all made perfect sense, and it was all she could do not to throw up.
“What happened?” Fi asked, trying to break through Sara’s sorrow. “Did they catch him?”
“Yes. But it didn’t matter to me. It didn’t matter that he went to jail because one day he gets out, and when does Layla get out? I swear, Fi, I know I was only twelve, but I remember.” Sara’s voice was a dagger, a glinting, slicing, agony. “I remember how badly I wanted was to kill him, to watch the light in his eyes burn out.”
Fi sighed as Sara finished her confession. She recognized this outrage. It was fierce. It was justified. And it was dangerous. “Sara,” she murmured. “I understand what it is to be terribly angry.”
Sara wiped her eyes. “I know. Thinking about it makes me want to throw up. For years I just forced myself not to think about it. I just pushed it down, deep inside of me…”
“To a place so deep that you can’t feel it anymore.” Fi was familiar with this coping strategy.
“Yes,” Sara said. “Exactly. But now…it’s like I’m on fire, Fi. Something about training to fight…and the Lobo attack…it’s just…I want vengeance so badly that it frightens me.” She sat back and exhaled, the tension seeming to drain away from her. “I just had to tell you, to be honest with you about who I am now.”
Fi tilted her head, confused. “Who you are?”
Sara’s eyes burned. “I’m the killer, Fi. I know that you weren’t sure that I could do that…that I could kill another person. But I know I can.” She stood and helped Fi up behind her. “I haven’t even told Sean about Layla,” she admitted. “It’s not something I like to talk about, mostly because of what it did to me. I just wanted you to know that I’m not here with good intentions. You and Sean are here to save the world, and I love and respect that. But I’m just here to do what it takes to keep you safe. And if I get to kill some Lobos along the way,” her lips curled up, “all the better.”
“Sara, you know that I’m the ‘killer’ and that Asher’s the ‘killer,’ right? Both of us have killed people and the truth is…it wasn’t always necessary.” This was hard to admit, but Sara had a right to know. “Sometimes I’ve killed out of hatred, out of vengeance. Did you think that I’d judge you for having an angry heart?” She shook her head. “As your friend, I appreciate learning more about you. It helps me to love you more, not less. And as your Leader, it’s important that I know this about you, so thank you for telling me.”
Sara threw her arms around Fi gratefully. Fi grunted and then squeezed back, her hand stroking Sara’s hair. It was almost involuntary, like comforting Kiara.
“I feel so much better. Thank you, Fi,” Sara whispered.
Fi gave her a kiss on the cheek before they parted, heading for the shelter. The sun had made an appearance just in time to bathe the land in crimson before departing. They would be staying the night. As they walked and Sara attempted to shift into light chatter about Luc’s Family, Fi felt relieved. She hadn’t realized how much burden she’d felt watching Sara struggle without being able to help her. But now the burden was lifted. Now, Fi knew one thing for certain. Despite Sara’s simmering bloodlust, she would never, ever, harm an innocent.
Fi awoke early the next morning with a start. It was always difficult to adjust to sleeping in strange surroundings after being inside Eden for months. No one was stirring with the exception of Sean, who sat tinkering with the tablet in the corner.
Fi snuck over to him. “Hey,” she whispered. He looked up and smiled, patting the floor next to him. Stifling a laugh, Fi settled beside her best friend as she had so many times in the past. “How’s it going?”
“Very well. It’s all set up and ready to go. All we have to do is call in to Eden and we’ll be good to go.”
Fi gave a quiet little squeak of happiness. This was so exciting! Jean and Luc’s Family would be able to communicate with Eden and the colony could keep tabs on them. It was a tiny little start, but it was a start. Reconnection had to start with a single thread and build from there, she thought. “I’m so incredibly proud of you, Sean. Would you ever have imagined when the world fell to pieces that Sean Skillman would be instrumental in putting it back together?” she asked, and he shook his head. “Then you sell yourself short, because I would have.”
An hour later, Sean walked Jean and Luc’s family through the use of the tablet to adjust their antenna as well as the use of the radio itself. “This is the frequency that you will be using to broadcast. And this is Eden’s frequency so that you can listen. Right now we are not broadcasting a lot, but you are only the first station. I’m sure that there will be more to listen to as we continue our Seeding mission. So…” he smiled at Fi. “Drum roll please.” She laughed and rolled her tongue, with Sara joining her. Sean turned on the radio and set it to transmit. “Hello Eden,” he said. “This is new station WMTR broadcasting from Montreal. Do you hear us, Eden?”
“Loud and clear, Sean,” Tom’s warm voice filled the room and Jean and Luc’s Family whooped and clapped. “What’s the news?”
“We have Jean and Luc’s Family successfully set up as our first station and they will be the primary admins,” Sean said.
“Does this mean the Seeders will be returning?” Tom asked, and Sean confirmed. “Well then, Sean, good job to you all and WELCOME Station WMTR!”
Luc’s Family roared its approval and warmth filled Fi’s chest as they all celebrated together. Even Sara was smiling and laughing as Sean whirled her in circles, the clouds in her eyes having passed…for now.
“Excuse me, Fi,” Jean approached her holding a piece of paper. “Do you think we could use the radio to broadcast these lists?”
“Lists?” She scanned the paper. There were two lists of people scrawled on it, with headings in French. “What do these mean?” Fi indicated the headings.
“One says ‘The Missing,’” Jean began, and Fi sucked in her breath. “And the other says ‘The Found.’”
Asher joined them. “Is something wrong?”
“No, Jean just asked if we could broadcast these lists.” She turned to Jean. “So the ‘missing’ are people that your Family members are looking for?” she asked, and he nodded. “And the ‘Found’?”
He waved to an older couple that was chatting with Sean and Sara. “Ally and Jacob. You know they’re Americans. They were in Montreal on vacation when the soldiers came.” He smiled at them fondly. “They’re wonderful, but they don’t belong here. We consider them to be ‘found’ rather than ‘missing.”
&
nbsp; Asher took the paper from Fi’s hand and stared at it. “Of course,” he murmured. “Just like when there used to be disasters…people always posted photos and names of the missing. Of course…”
“Ash,” she touched his arm.
His head whipped up, his eyes shining. “Think about it, Fi. As we set up more stations the lists will grow. Every Family will have some missing and some found,” he explained, “and if we broadcast it, maybe people can find each other again.”
Fi’s heart squeezed when she followed his reasoning. “Your parents?” she murmured, and he nodded. Fi turned back to Jean and gave him a quick hug. “This is a great idea, Jean, just like Asher said. I think we should broadcast the lists from Eden, because, as Asher pointed out, they’ll grow as we add stations. All the stations can listen and hopefully the ‘missing’ will become the ‘found.’”
Though she said this with hope in her voice, in her heart, she knew that most of the “missing” were actually the “dead”, and that the list of the “missing” would grow much larger and more quickly than that of the “found.” But if one person went from “missing” to “found,” she thought, it would be worth it.
Asher took the list and folded it carefully into an inner pocket in his pack. “I promise Jean. We’ll start broadcasting the lists and we won’t stop until all those who can be found, are found.” He bowed his head. Sean and Sara approached with their packs on their backs, ready to head back to Eden.
Sean handed Jean the radio. “You can keep this on as long as it’s plugged into the repeater set-up because of the solar power. Only use the batteries when you have to take the radio away from the station, ok?” Jean nodded.
“Thank you,” Luc said. “We will do whatever we can to help you to succeed with Seeding. But please be careful. I know that you’re prepared to fight, but there are still a lot of dangerous people out there.”
Sara tilted her head. “No one is more dangerous than us, Luc.” Pretending to bow, she swept her hand dramatically. “For behold, we are Prometheus, and we bring you fire.”
Luc’s eyebrows shot up. “I can see why you’ve had Sara join your group.” Fi, Sean, and Asher burst into laughter as Sara blushed.
Hope Springs
---------- Fi ----------
The Seeders returned to a hero’s welcome. When they reached the main field cavern, they were overwhelmed by the noise. Cheering colonists crowded the walkways and spilled into the tunnels, filling the air with a joyful roar. Despite their good intentions, Fi fought the urge to duck into a side tunnel. Asher took her hand and squeezed it.
In the center of the main walkway stood a grinning Larry, obviously pleased by their surprise. He held up his hand and the colonists quieted. “Congratulations to our Seeders. We will have our first ever heirloom harvest come this fall, thanks to them!”
Fi smiled to see Larry’s pink cheeks and his shining eyes. He was actually hopeful, she thought, and her embarrassment melted away into happy laughter. She leaned into Asher, who put his arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head.
Larry whirled as he addressed the gathered colonists. “And thanks to all of you,” he bellowed. “We did it!” At this the entire crowd erupted, and more people pushed their way into the cavern.
Fi looked around in wonder at the pandemonium. It was then that she realized that the entire colony had come to welcome them. She was struck by the magnitude of the moment. It hadn’t occurred to her really, for some reason. Maybe because so much work was still left to be done, and she was always focused on that. Or maybe it was because she was not a colonist, not from the beginning. But some of these people had been working to right this tremendous wrong for close to ten years…if you counted those from the very beginning of Diaspora.
Fi rested her head against Asher’s chest. “Today,” she murmured, “we celebrate.” Laying down the burden of the future, the “what ifs” and the “what nows,” Fi determined that she would accept just this moment of joy and accomplishment.
“Fi,” Asher frowned. “I have to go see Tom.”
His tone was urgent, and she realized why he still looked so serious. He had not set his burden down. The only thing he could think about, she knew, was the lists.
She nodded. “I’ll see you later at your pod.”
She kissed him goodbye and then watched with concern as he hurried away. His preoccupation with the lists since Jean had first mentioned it had seemed…excessive. It worried her that he was so hopeful. The odds that his parents had survived were so slim. But, she thought, it wasn’t fair to make him an orphan like her if he really wasn’t one. She just hoped that his search didn’t wear him down. Turning back with a sigh, she saw Sean and Sara talking with Larry, Gary, and other gathered colonists. Sean’s face was pink and animated, and Sara was laughing. Yes, she thought, it was a good day in a long, dark journey.
----------- Asher ----------
At the edges of Eden, Asher strode into the radio room.
“Asher!” Tom broke into a sudden grin. “I heard that you all were back, but of course someone always has to guard the homestead.”
Asher pulled up a chair, his heart beginning to beat faster. “Tom,” his voice wavered a little, and he cleared his throat. Unfolding the paper with the lists from Jean, he handed it to Tom. “I know that you have a lot on your plate, and that this request is going to become more burdensome each day…” his voice trailed off.
Tom studied the paper. “Asher, what is this?”
“It’s lists, Tom. An idea from the new station. They put together lists of the missing and the found. It’s like when we used to have disasters. If we gather this information each time we set up a new station, we may be able to reconnect some people and turn the missing into the found.” He stopped and held his breath, waiting for Tom’s reaction. What if Tom said no? What if Eden didn’t support the idea?
“Asher, this is too much,” Tom said. “I mean, it’s not too much right now, but if you gather information from all the colonists, and from Diaspora, and from the stations…it’s going to grow. Plus we can’t tie up Eden’s frequency.” He stopped when he saw the look on Asher’s face. Though he tried to cover it, Asher knew that he was flushed with anger.
Tom glanced back down at the lists, his eyes scanning. The moment his head jerked in recognition, Asher closed his eyes.
Tom read aloud, his voice quiet. “David Alexander Grey, 11/9/1987, Chicago. Anna Quinn Grey, 2/14/1992, Chicago. Jesus, Asher, I’m sorry. I didn’t think about it.” He leaned back in his seat. “Honestly, there are people I’d like to put on this list too.”
Asher felt his anger drain away. “No, you’re right, Tom, we’re definitely going to have to think about the logistics of it. That’s why I was afraid you wouldn’t be willing to do it. But it wasn’t my idea; it was the new station’s idea, because it’s everyone’s idea. The survivors need closure, we need to find people, or…bury them in our minds. I know it will be hard, but we do have to do this, Tom.”
We have to, he thought, and his chest tightened.
“I agree,” Tom said.
Asher exhaled gratefully, the relief so great that it almost burned. “Thank you. Thank you, Tom. I just, ” he stopped.
Tom waved away Asher’s explanation. “No, Asher. I’m sorry I resisted at all. You’re absolutely right.”
Asher smiled and took a deep breath. It felt like the first full breath he’d drawn since he’s slipped the lists into his pocket. The two began to discuss logistics. It was decided that a separate frequency would be set up just for the lists, and that they would be digitized. Each week, the radio room operators at Eden would record any updates to the message. That way, they didn’t have to read it more than once. Otherwise, they could just broadcast the recorded list for the week.
“I’m sorry, Tom,” Asher said, his face twisting into a rueful smile. “This list is going to grow quickly, because I’m going to interview as much of Eden as I can before we go back out for the summer.
”
Tom chuckled. “That’s ok, Asher, it will be a great thing for the survivors. I’m glad, and I do mean that. Eden should be a beacon of hope…for everyone.”
Asher patted Tom’s shoulder and headed out, suddenly drained. He was ready for a shower and a nice, deep sleep with Fi tonight.
----------- Fi ------------
A week later, the Seeders got ready to go back out on the summer trip. The most difficult part, Fi thought, was not the packing or even the planning. It was the goodbyes.
When she’d sat down with Kiara, it had been really hard to explain that she would be gone until the fall, nearly six months in all. And what was worse, she was taking Asher and Sean with her. Kiara was a tough little thing, but it was a lot for her to handle. Fi knew that Kiara would worry the entire time that they were gone.
“I’m sorry that we’ll gone so long, baby,” she said sadly as Kiara snuggled against her on the couch. Fi stroked her hair and pressed her lips to her head. It was true, the idea of leaving Kiara made her nearly ill. It was something she hadn’t truly thought about when she’d accepted the Seeding mission. She knew Kiara would be safe and happy staying with the Skillmans, but Fi was going to miss her horribly. They had not been apart for longer than a Seek since they’d escaped the old world.
“Aunt Lucy and Uncle John said that what you’re doing is brave and important…and that we all need you to do it.” She looked up at Fi with tears in her eyes. “But I don’t want you to go, even though I know it’s wrong.”
Fi rocked her gently as tears came to her own eyes. “I know, baby.” She looked deep into Kiara’s violet eyes. “Kiara, if you ask me to stay, I’ll stay. They can send someone else out there with Asher, Sean, and Sara.” As she said it, she knew that she meant it. It would just about kill her to stay, but she would do it for Kiara.
“No,” Kiara shook her head. “You have to go. You can’t leave them alone.”
Seeds of War Page 8
