Asa

by Jay Crownover

  She snorted at me. “Me, Jet, and this baby we just found out we’re having.”

  I almost dropped the phone because she said it so nonchalantly. “You’re pregnant?”

  Ayden laughed a little bit and I could almost see her pacing back and forth chewing on her lip as she confirmed the fact. “Yeah. It’s still really early on, probably too early to tell anyone, but I can’t keep it to myself, ya know?” She was giving me her secret just like I had given her mine.

  “I thought you wanted to wait.” I couldn’t help the pure joy that threaded through my voice. Ayden was going to make a great mom. Both she and Jet deserved to have a happy family and home life after the nightmare of both of their upbringings.

  “What can I say? I married a very persuasive man and there is just something about those tight pants that makes it impossible to say no to him.” She sighed happily. “And there was something different after I got back from Kentucky. It was like all the bad stuff from there was gone. There were no more cobwebs, no more resentment or what-ifs. It was just all gone. I want to have a family with the man that loved me enough that I had no choice but to love every part of myself, warts and all.”

  “I know exactly what you mean.” I laughed out loud and told her, “You’re going to be pregnant at Cora and Rome’s wedding.”

  They had finally decided on a Valentine’s Day wedding the following year. Rome couldn’t have been happier that his little spitfire was finally going to be legally tied to him for the rest of his life.

  “Yeah, well, Cora was superpregnant at Rule and Shaw’s wedding, and at the rate we’re all going, someone is always going to be knocked up or getting hitched.” She wasn’t wrong. I had heard through the grapevine that Nash had purchased an engagement ring for Saint, and Rowdy had mentioned more than once that Salem was none too subtly hinting around that she was ready for the baby-having portion of their relationship to start. That was a whole lot of happiness and future building happening around me, and even if I couldn’t have it in my own life, I was really happy I got to be around to bear witness to it in the lives of those I loved.

  “Congratulations, Ayd. I’m really happy for you and your guitar guy.”

  “Thank you. I’m scared out of my mind, but I figure if Rule can do it so can I.” I laughed, remembering the absolute look of terror on Rule’s face when he couldn’t fix whatever was wrong with his little boy.

  “You’ll be fine. I’ll absolutely make sure the new house has room for you guys and a baby.”

  We chatted for a little while longer. I think she desperately needed someone to talk to about the baby besides Jet. I couldn’t get enough of hearing the nervous excitement in her voice. Ever since I had woken up in that hospital bed in Louisville, all I had ever wanted was for Ayden to have the best kind of life—just like she wanted for me. I wanted her to be truly and fully happy. It was just one more way in which my entire life felt almost complete to know that she was there. She was happy and where she was always meant to be. It twisted my insides up a little to know that I would never get that with Royal.

  It was the following weekend that I finally found my dream house. It was a little farther away from the Bar than I initially wanted, just a few blocks away from Phil Milstein Park and the Platte River. It was totally a family home. Big and sprawling with a massive backyard that had a deck, a hot tub, and a privacy fence. There was a two-car garage and a media room complete with a popcorn machine. The house had an impressive, tricked-out chef’s kitchen, which was hilarious considering I didn’t own a single pot or pan, and it came equipped with more rooms than a single guy with no family could ever possibly need. But I loved it. It felt right, and the idea of needing to buy a lawn mower to care for grass that was all mine somehow appealed to me on a deeper level more than any of the other places I had looked at closer to the city had.

  I told the realtor I was working with, a smoking-hot blonde that was more interested in getting me into bed than she was in getting her commission, to put in an offer at asking price. She balked and told me the place had been on the market long enough to negotiate a better price. I didn’t want to gamble or play games. I just wanted the house. I wanted to be present, wide-awake in the here and now. I reiterated my wishes and turned down her offer to go out for a celebratory drink when of course the homeowners accepted. Eventually I was going to have to shake off the haze of Royal that clouded my mind whenever another lady showed some interest in me, but I wasn’t ready for that part of moving on with my life just yet.

  I went into my shift at the Bar a little stunned. I couldn’t believe I had just bought a house. For the very first time since I started working for Rome, I needed a drink before my shift instead of downing one when it was over. Dixie squealed in delight for me and Church just gave me a solemn head nod, which I assumed was his badass seal of approval. Darcy wasn’t really talking much ever since the debacle with Avett and Jared, but she managed to scrounge up a smile for me and a hug. She told me Brite would be so proud once he found out, and I had to admit that I liked making the gruff ex-Marine proud of me. He was the closest thing to a father figure I had ever had, so any kind of approval from him was always welcome.

  The shift flew by. Mostly because I was thinking about how different my life looked as spring bounced happily into summer this year versus last year. Last year it had been an endless string of pretty girls to keep me company in the dark because I couldn’t face them in the harsh light of day. It had been just trying to keep my nose clean and prove to Rome he could trust me. I had been getting shoved in the back of a police cruiser for a crime I didn’t commit and I had been willing to sit my ass behind bars because I really thought that was what I deserved.

  This year my family was happy, healthy, and growing. I didn’t need to wonder if Rome trusted me or about keeping my nose clean. Both of those things were just part of my every day now. I had a home, a job that was both fulfilling and exciting, with all kinds of potential. Quite possibly the biggest change was that I no longer worried about whether I had earned all the good things at my fingertips or not. Regardless if I had changed enough or given up enough in order to be worthy of all this good fortune, it was mine and I wasn’t going to squander it away like I had been doing before. I wasn’t going to sit my ass in a cell ever again trying to repent. The other big change was of course the fact that only one girl would do. She was the only one I wanted. The only one I couldn’t get off of my mind. The only one I dreamed about, obsessed about. She was the only girl that I had ever loved and there wasn’t a replacement for that anytime soon. Other girls might come and go, in time, but Royal would always hold my heart, and I knew there wasn’t any way to get it back from her. It was probably safer in her hands anyway. I had never taken very good care of it when it was in my possession.

  Dixie hollered at me that she had to take a call and disappeared about an hour before it was time to shut the bar down. The new guy was handling business like an old pro and I realized my time spent behind the bar was going to be cut down dramatically. I liked bartending. I liked the flow and freedom. I liked listening to other people’s issues and dramas. It always made me feel like my own story wasn’t so unusual. I hadn’t been kidding when I told Ayden the payout on the farm was enough money for me to not only go into the rehab business with Rome but also for me to look at buying my own bar. I liked the dive that Rome had brought back to life, but I also liked the secretive, exclusive feel of the place I had taken Royal to. There were a lot of options out there and I suddenly wanted to capitalize on all of them.

  Dixie came back into the bar laughing and smiling. Church asked her if she had been talking to a guy, to which she just rolled her eyes and told him to mind his own business. I didn’t know what was going on between those two other than a whole lot of back-and-forth, but I figured they would either figure it out or they wouldn’t. Dixie was a mushy and soft sweetheart. Church came across like he was made of iron and concrete. It was an odd combination, but I had seen stranger thin
gs work and lead to happily-ever-after, so I just kept my mouth shut as we closed down the bar.

  By the time I climbed into the Nova to drive the few blocks to my crappy apartment, I was drained. The reality of how fast my life was changing, the fact that it was all moving in the right direction but that I was doing it alone, sort of ripped me in half. I was proud of myself for making so many right steps, but still felt broken about the fact that none of those steps were taking me in the direction of the person I wanted.

  I shoved my key in the door very aware that my time of coming home to this shit hole of an apartment was very nearly at an end. I chuckled when I realized I was going to have to hijack one of the girls and take her with me to buy an entire house worth of furniture. I didn’t own enough to even fill up one of the rooms in the place that was now mine.

  It took me a second to recognize that I wasn’t alone once the front door was closed. All the lights were off like I had left them, except the light in the bathroom was on and casting a faint beam of light onto my bed, which was very much occupied. I tossed my keys on the bistro table and walked toward the bed. My eyes locked on the chocolate-brown pair that were watching me carefully.

  She was naked. Sitting up on her knees and looking at me like I had all the answers. Her auburn hair hung loose all the way to her waist, offering a small amount of coverage for the very pink tips of her breasts, which tightened and peaked as I drew closer to her. It wasn’t until my knees were touching the very edge of the mattress that I noticed around her slender wrists shiny metal handcuffs had her hands locked together in front of her. My heart started to race and I had to blink several times to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

  We just stared at each other for a long-drawn-out moment. I needed to ask her why she was here after all this time. I needed to know what all of this meant. Instead I reached out a single finger to push some of her hair off of her shoulder so it wasn’t covering her up anymore and I could let my eyes feast on all of her. She was so beautiful. I grasped the chain that kept the handcuffs together and gave it a little tug to draw her closer to me. She crawled toward me without a word.

  “I bought you a house today.” The truth of that statement rang steady in my voice. Her mouth fell open in a little gasp of surprise.

  “What are you talking about?” I tugged on the handcuffs again until I had her arms high enough to loop them around my neck. All her plush and naked curves pressed into me and I finally felt finished. She was what I needed to be a complete man. Whole.

  “I bought a house today. But I need you to make it a home, Royal.” I bent my forehead down so that it was resting against hers. I shouldn’t have been pouring my heart out to her until I knew why she was here, if this was as real for her as it was for me. It was going to kill me if she walked out again. “What’s up with the hardware, Red?”

  The metal around her wrists was hard and cold around my neck.

  “Well, I had this brilliant idea to show you that I trusted you, that I need you more than I need the truth. I figured getting naked and handcuffing myself to your bed would not only illustrate that I do trust you to do the right thing by me but also fulfill one of the fantasies you’ve been throwing around since the beginning. Only I forgot you don’t have a headboard, let alone a headboard I could attach these to.”

  “No one has a headboard made for handcuffs in the real world.”

  She rolled her eyes and a smile tugged at her mouth. I was a goner. I wasn’t going to let her go again even if she wanted me to, but I needed to know why she was suddenly here, so I told her, “We need to talk about your change of heart, Royal.”

  She lifted one of her burnished eyebrows at me and her dark eyes danced in merriment. “I know. But I’m naked. I have on handcuffs and I really missed you, Asa.” She turned her head a little so that she could touch her lips to my own. “Plus you bought me a house. I think I need to say thank you in a way you’ll always remember.”

  My better judgment told me to figure out where this was leading, to remind her that I had a major secret I was never going to be able to tell her, but she kissed me again. Every predatory instinct I had ever had roared to life with the need to claim, possess, mark, and own her forever as mine. Common sense had never been my strong suit anyway.

  I tumbled her back on the bed with a growl.

  CHAPTER 20

  Royal

  I spent weeks vacillating between the overwhelming amount of love I had for this man and the burning need to know what he was keeping from me. One day I was sure that whatever secret Asa was hiding didn’t matter because I wanted to be with him more than I wanted anything. The next I would be eaten alive with curiosity about what he was hiding, and I knew I would never be able to let it go. It was like being caught in the middle of an emotional tug-of-war between my head and my heart, and neither one was winning.

  My mom kept telling me to get over him. Dom kept telling me to go after him and I had no idea what the right thing to do was. I was lonely and I missed him, but it wasn’t until Ayden called me today and told me that Asa had bought a house and that he never would have done that if it hadn’t been for me, that I really understood that I did love him enough to let him lie to me. Ayden also hinted that if I really thought about it, I could probably figure out why he was adamant that he keep this particular thing from me and that got me bogged down and long-repressed instincts churning back to life. When some of the pieces started to click into place, I had to evaluate whether I really wanted to know the truth or not. I loved him and I loved my mother, and I had a feeling prying into that particular Pandora’s box was going to change how I felt about one if not both of them forever. Plus, while Ayden wasn’t about to let the proverbial cat out of the bag, she had given me enough hints and clues on top of my suspicions to know that certain lines that were unforgivable no matter how much I loved either of them hadn’t been crossed. I knew whatever had happened between the two people I loved the most wasn’t pretty, and I was resigned to leave it at that if it meant I got to keep them both.

  One secret wasn’t enough to give up a love that felt like it was going to come along only once in a lifetime. Ayden eased the remainder of my fears by reminding me that the only reason Asa was keeping something from me in the first place was because he was trying to protect me … just like he had done all those months ago when I was in a downward spiral and he stopped my fall. He wasn’t lying to me to hurt me; in fact it was the opposite of that. Even when he was being secretive and cryptic he was always there to catch me.

  I had to trust him and I had to show him that I did; thus I was handcuffed and naked while he crawled all over me. I was supposed to be vulnerable and open to him, only I didn’t feel that way. I felt right. I felt like this was where I was supposed to be all along.

  I knew he needed a grand gesture, something more than words to show him I needed him more than I needed the truth, and this was all I could come up with in a pinch. Besides, he’d had a thing for my handcuffs since the very beginning, so I called Dixie and asked her to text me when they were done for the night, parked around the corner, and then snuck into his place with a key Cora had snagged for me. There was something entirely exhilarating about stripping naked and binding your hands together in a symbolic gesture for a man like Asa. Handing myself over to him both body and soul should have been terrifying, but as soon as he opened his mouth and told me he had bought the house for me, I knew I had done the right thing. No secret was worth giving up a man that told you he needed you to be his home.

  His heavy weight settled on top of me, and for the first time in two months I felt like I was grounded, not floating between what I was craving and common sense. This was where I needed to always be, with him, under him, inside of him. He made me feel real.

  “How does it feel to be the one hooked up for a change?” He moved my arms from where they were looped around his neck and stretched them out as far as they would reach above my head. I drove the tips of my breasts into his chest and made ever
y line of my body arch up into his. His eyes glowed hot enough to light up the entire room and his gaze made a warm flush work up under the surface of my skin.

  “Under the circumstances not so bad.” I gave the unforgiving metal a little tug and felt the response in Asa where our lower bodies were pressed together.

  “They look way better on you than they ever did on me.” The dry humor in his tone wasn’t lost on me as he bent his head and sealed his mouth over mine.

  It had been far too long since we had shared a real kiss. Not one filled with good-bye or regret. I missed it almost as much as I had missed him. His tongue twisted with mine while his hands swept down my naked sides and slipped around to grab on to the curve of my backside. He ravaged my mouth with his own. He ate up my response and I hardly noticed that he was moving us to the edge of the bed. He lifted his head and kissed each of my eyelids, the tip of my nose, and then moved on to the tip of each of my breasts, which were ridged and practically begging him for attention.

  I nearly bolted upright at the first flick of his tongue across one turgid nipple. It felt like my entire body was electrified everywhere he touched. I lifted my hand to thread it through his hair and stopped short when both my arms jerked up over my head, forcing my eager flesh even farther into his waiting mouth. He laughed when I grumbled in frustration and lifted my eyebrows at him as he climbed off the edge of the bed so that he was on his knees between my legs.

  He smirked at me, lifted one of my legs, and rested it on his shoulder. I squirmed a little bit because his delicious intent was clear all over his handsome face.

  “Asa …” I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to say to him, but apparently his name was enough to convey all the emotion that was churning around inside of me.

  “I know, Red. Believe me, I know.” And then his head disappeared between my legs and all conscious thought ceased.