“Would you step aside for the sake of their friendship?” Noel asked.
Shoving to the edge of the couch, Evie felt a rush of rage. “Don’t you fucking do that to him. He doesn’t have to choose when he can have both of us.”
“Can he?” Noel asked. “What happens when the siblings argue, Evie? Whose side are you going to take? I think we both know the answer to that one.”
“I would always expect Evie to stand with Taylor,” Oakley said.
Turning slowly, she couldn’t believe that he was so clear and serious. “You would?”
“Of course I would,” he said. “And I’d expect to grovel to make it up to both of you… I’m never going to ask you not to care about Taylor… I just want you to care about me too.”
“I do care about you,” she said, her heart breaking a little that she might not have made that clear. Sliding toward him, she picked up his hand. “I trusted you. I’ve told you the truth… I haven’t told Taylor anything about Beth or Gemmell… I didn’t show her how I live, my traps, my insecurities… Oak, I asked you to put your hands around my throat… I’ve given you so much of myself.”
Brushing his fingers across her cheek, he used a gentle tone. “I know that. I told you I don’t take your feelings for me for granted… I meant it when I said I wouldn’t ask you for a commitment, but I want you to understand that I’m in this all the way… and sometimes I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing when I’m honest with you about that.”
“Are you?” Noel asked. “Are you in it all the way, Oakley? From how I understand it, you’ve had your fun with Evie, you’ve had sex with her… Shouldn’t you start losing interest in the relationship now?”
“I’ve had sex with her,” Oak said and the edge of anger in his voice made her wary, she didn’t want him to be offended. Sometimes Noel was confrontational just to provoke a reaction, maybe she should’ve warned Oak about that. “That doesn’t mean I’m done with her… And yes, I’m in it all the way. I love her.”
“Because this is not going to be an easy relationship. It will never be an easy relationship,” Noel said. “And if you care about Evie, you have to be aware that it will take time to build intimacy and trust… I’m, quite frankly, amazed by how much faith Evie has shown in you, about how vehemently she defends you, about what she shares with you about her past. Evie wants to love you, whether she knows it or not.”
nineteen
Her therapist sure didn’t beat about the bush. Evie hadn’t been convinced that bringing Oak here to her therapy session, to meet Noel, was a good idea… she still wasn’t sure.
Oakley’s hand scooped over her cheek even though she wasn’t looking at him. “I want her to love me; I’m not going to pressure her into doing anything before she’s ready. But, doctor, I will take her word for it if she says she is, I trust her and if she tells me she’s ready for something or asks for it, I will give it to her. I will do it even if it’s against your advice.”
“I’ll probably never be ready for anal sex,” Evie said, but her joke didn’t break the men’s stare.
“She uses sexual humor to deflect when she’s nervous or uncomfortable,” Noel said.
“I know,” Oakley said. “And she uses it to tell me she’s done discussing a subject or expressing a particular emotion.”
“Uh,” she said, raising both hands to shoulder height. “I’m right here.”
Oakley took her hand. “We’re ignoring you, Sweet, because your doctor is trying to figure out if I’m for real or playing with you… Listen, doc.” Sitting forward, Oakley kept her hand, letting it drape between his wide thighs as he rested an elbow on his knee. “You should be worried about Evie; you’ve known her a long time, and it’s your job to help her make sense of developments like me. I want her to keep coming to you, for as long as she needs to. Just like I told her about the traps she sets and sleeping with the light on, it’s all ok with me. I’ve never been to therapy in my life, but I offered to come here because I want to help Evie too… I love her. You can question that. You can tell her to dump me. You can tell her she’s not ready and I’ll tell you that I don’t mind waiting until she is. Nothing is going to make me love her less. I want to be with her. Not just this week or next, but I want to build a life with her, a long one.”
Noel waited a minute, assessing them both before he took a deep breath and eased back in his chair. “I’ll be honest, I came to this session assuming that you didn’t know what you were getting into or that Evie would guard herself. Your actions and reactions to each other, and things you’ve said… It’s made me think… this could be a positive development for you, Evie.”
She’d never needed Noel’s approval, never needed anyone’s approval for anything. But having it made this relationship take on a new significance.
“You think?” she asked, and clenched Oak’s hand tighter. “He could kill me one day.”
Noel countered. “Or he could father your children and give you the measure of stability you’ve always lacked.”
“Now it’s my turn to remind you both that I’m here,” Oakley said, but he seemed relaxed again.
It was only when he kissed the back of her hand that she thought about how they’d moved together, sitting so close there wasn’t any light or air between them, their fingers locked together like they were… partners.
“Don’t think that this won’t be a lot of work,” Noel said, warning them both. “Oakley, I’m going to ask you to join Evie for future sessions.”
“Any time,” he said without hesitating for a second, overwhelming her with his conviction.
“We’ll have to set out a plan,” Noel said. “Yes, Evie, you will likely drive a lot of the physical developments, and I don’t just mean the sexual ones, but other physical factors. How comfortable are you with the idea of letting Oakley near your apartment?” She shook her head. “I didn’t think so. Oakley, if Evie wants to come to—”
“I’ll get her keys made for my place,” Oakley said. “She’s welcome any minute of the day.”
“Good,” Noel said. “You have to understand what this will mean for your life, Mr. Orion. Evie is going to be…”
“Difficult?” Oak asked. “Yeah, I already know that about her.”
“No,” Noel said. “Her trust in you may waver if you give her even the slightest excuse to doubt you.”
“I wouldn’t think about touching—”
“Evie’s insecurities aren’t rooted in sex,” Noel said. “She may be completely comfortable and confident with you in sexual matters. Her issue is trust.”
Oakley was intent as he pulled her closer. “I don’t understand what—”
“Secrets will be significant to her,” Noel said. “I’m not suggesting you can tell her every detail of every second of your day, but if something is happening in your life, or an event happens that may be brought up at another time, I’d suggest you make the effort to tell her about it. Especially if the matter is personal.”
Self-conscious, Evie tried to play. “So, if he develops a burning rash he should—”
“No,” Noel said, displaying the patience of a saint as he came up with an example. “If he’s thinking about having a party for his sister to celebrate a birthday or a life event, how would you feel if he discussed that with someone else or made plans without telling you he’d even had the thought?”
It wasn’t difficult to answer that question because she reacted just at the idea of it. “I would feel… pushed out, suspicious—”
“Doc, I would never—”
“That’s my point,” Noel said. “I’m not suggesting that there would be any reason for it. Perhaps you just hadn’t seen Evie that day or something serendipitous happened that made you make a call to arrange something on the spot. It could be benign, perfectly innocent, but Evie’s perception could—”
“I got you,” Oakley said. “No parties without consulting Evie.” He kissed her hand again. “The truth is that even in business decision
s I find myself craving her input, so it won’t be a problem.”
Peeking at him, she was surprised again. Oak winked at her. “You should get used to talking to each other on the phone and exchanging emails,” Noel said. “Both of you. Evie, you should keep taking your notes for these sessions, but you should also exchange those spur of the moment thoughts with Oakley when you feel comfortable enough to do so… You must help him understand what you’re going through and how he can help.”
“He told me that already,” she said, thinking about the bed in his Washington hotel room.
“And, Oakley, you must get used to keeping Evie’s confidence, it’s extremely vital that—”
“I would never betray her. I haven’t breathed a word of anything she’s told me to anyone and I have promised her that I won’t.”
“Again,” Noel said. “I must emphasize that it may be something less significant than events with Beth, these sessions, or her anxieties… Don’t share what she tells you without her permission. Nothing.”
“No one even knows we’re having sex,” Oak muttered. “I’m good at keeping secrets.”
“It bothers you,” she said, twisting to look at him. “You want people to know.”
“I would find it easier if they did,” he said. “It would be easier for me to include you if they did.”
“Because you’d invite me into more meetings?” she asked. “I won’t be at MatchMate forever, and people will resent me if they think I’m manipulating you. Look at what Kody said about my tits during that Regent meeting… And Taylor, she needs both of us right now, she should think we’re there for her, not creeping off at night to talk about her.”
“I have to say,” Noel said. “Openness is going to be vital in your relationship with each other. But I have to support Evie’s need for privacy at this time. I don’t think you should have an extended period of secrecy, no more than a month or two. But for now, there may be questions that neither of you will be comfortable answering.”
“Questions?” Oakley asked.
Evie answered. “What if Taylor wants to come to your apartment for dinner?” she asked. “You guys eat together all the time, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So, what if she asks me to join her? Why wouldn’t I stay the night with you? Why wouldn’t I want to go out to dinner with you guys and then go home with you? Why would I be happy to have sex with you in the office in the middle of the day or take a room with you here, but I won’t share a hotel room with you if we’re away as a group?”
“Exactly those questions,” Noel said. “Evie shouldn’t have to tell everyone about her past. It’s a big deal that she told you and you’ve already acknowledged that.”
“I understand,” Oak said.
Evie was impressed by how he was taking this in his stride, accepting and adapting to everything that was being said to him.
Leaning forward, she kissed his lips. “You’re making it very difficult,” she murmured, and he smiled before kissing the end of her nose.
“But, Miss Dewar, don’t think all of the onus is on Oakley.”
Oh shit, that made her spin away from her man fast enough. “What do you mean?”
“This is going to be hardest on you and I’m going to demand the most from you… At the moment, no one is asking you to put language to this, but that will have to change. You will have to start thinking of yourself as being in a committed relationship whether you say the words out loud or not.”
“It’s not like I was having tons of sex before this,” she said. “I think Oakley can be assured that I’m not going to be sitting on any other cocks any time soon.”
“Just like I said to Oakley, this is not about sex,” Noel said. “Those needs will be fulfilled. You have already proven that you will take what you need from Oakley. Of course you shouldn’t sleep around, that goes without saying. But beyond that, you must include him in your life.”
“Like sending him my notes.”
“Yes,” Noel said. “And you must be open to discussing them. You must listen to his hopes and fears too, not just for this relationship but in all areas of his life. Compromise, Evie. You have to think of yourself as an involved woman, decisions should be made as a couple, even if they only seem to involve one of you. Picture your future with Oakley, think about what you want, how you want it to look. You don’t have to express the details to him now, but you should make yourself comfortable with the notion that he’s going to be around for a while.”
Thinking about this, Evie shivered when Oakley leaned in behind her to whisper, “A long while.”
Perking up at the opportunity he’d lined up for her, she grinned. “A long, hard while?”
Noel wasn’t impressed, but Oak pressed her hand to his thigh, so she took that as his approval.
“No one wants you to change who you are,” Noel said. “Either of you. But more than most couples, you’re going to have to make the effort to integrate each other into your lives, especially since your relationship is secret at the moment, that will increase the intensity of it, and ultimately nurture your intimacy, which is a positive, but it will be difficult.”
Hmm, he probably didn’t use the word ‘hard’ on purpose. “We will try our best, Doctor Brewer,” she said, nodding like the dutiful student. “Tell him we’ll try our best, Oak.”
“We will try our best,” Oakley said.
Noel smiled, and she hissed at herself. “Shit. I just did it again.”
“It’s ok, Thirteen,” Oak said, rubbing her hand on his thigh. “I don’t mind being your bitch. You let me take the lead where it matters.”
“Sex?” she asked over her shoulder.
“You seem to be in charge of oral, but I’d say I take the lion’s share of the work in… other areas.”
It was so funny that he didn’t seem to like being explicit in front of Noel. Oak would get used to it, she was sure, not just because her language was explicit with the doctor, but because the more time the men spent together, the easier it would get to be blunt.
“The largest hurdle you are going to face, and the one that will likely cause the most frustration for both of you, is Evie’s issues with spending the night away from her apartment.”
“It’s not the apartment that’s the problem,” Evie said. “It’s my… setup.”
“Would you feel comfortable in my place if we set it up like yours?” Oakley asked.
Sweet of him to ask, but she shook her head. “I would never do that to you… You can’t sleep with the light on.”
“Why not?” Oakley asked. “I’ve never tried. I’ll adapt and if I don’t, I’ll buy a sleep mask or something.”
“And if someone comes in while you’re wearing this mask?” she asked.
“Interesting,” Noel said.
She growled aloud and threw her hands up, though one was still connected to Oakley so it came with hers. “What? What did I say?”
“You are as concerned for Oakley’s wellbeing as for your own.”
“Yes,” she said. “I’m worried I might accidently stab him while I’m having a nightmare too.” That admission was meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but as she considered it, she sagged. “Oh, God, what would I do if I was the one to hurt him?”
“Your nightmares are less of a problem now than they used to be,” Noel said. “Far less… And if you let me prescribe—”
“No,” she said, straightening a finger. “I won’t take drugs. I can’t be out of it. If I’m attacked—”
“Like I said, this is going to be the greatest hurdle,” Noel said. “Spending the night together is not about the physical act of sex, it’s about a sign of the relationship and that Evie is mending. How can you marry or have children if you can’t live together? How can you have children if Evie fills their bedrooms with razor blades and makes them terrified of imaginary intruders?”
“We just got past, ‘no one is asking you to put language to this relationship’ and now you want us to have childr
en?” Evie asked. “Can we please take a step away from that for a second and just focus on the fact that I’m even in a relationship at all? I mean, what the hell, Noel, did we ever think I would get here?”
“I always told you that you would, but I understand what you’re saying, and you’re right. This is significant enough for the moment.” Everyone relaxed. “Now, Mr. Orion, since we are going to be spending more time together and you know so much of Evie’s past, please, tell us something about your own. Let’s focus on getting to know you.”
So they did. For the rest of the session, Oakley was honest about his family and his upbringing. There wasn’t time to go into everything, but he spoke about his father’s death and how he’d adapted to taking care of his mother and sister.
Evie listened to every word. His story was intriguing and amazing; he’d stepped up for the family, and taken on every responsibility so that his mother and sister wouldn’t have to.
At first, Evie was annoyed at herself for making their relationship so much about herself. She hadn’t taken much time to get to know him.
But the more he spoke, the more worried she got. Was she just another responsibility? Did Oakley need someone to take care of and now that his mother and Taylor were moving on, was she the next crutch?
Evie was proud to be with him, and awed by his strength and fortitude, but she wondered what she’d ever be able to do for him that he couldn’t do for himself. How would he ever need her or rely on her when he was so sane and she was so… not?
twenty
That had been an interesting lecture. MatchMate events were always interesting, in one way or another.
Evie was standing at the edge of the conference center beneath the long row of screens that displayed events that were going to be on over the next few weeks. Noting down the ones that she thought looked interesting, she knew she had some time to kill before the next event.
It was a workshop, which usually meant she’d be forced to participate more than she wanted to, but there was another lecture after and she was looking forward to it, so she’d hang around.
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