Gabriel's Rapture gi-2

by Sylvain Reynard

  who joined them on the patio, carrying a pitcher of homemade lem-

  onade garnished with a few frozen raspberries that floated delicately in the cloud of yellow. She served their drinks with an encouraging smile and vanished back into the house.

  Gabriel drank greedily, enjoying his reprieve.

  “So?” prompted Julia, sipping her lemonade.

  “Jeremy told me to stay away from you. I had no choice. He held

  Damocles’s sword in his hand.”

  “He let you go?”

  “With a handshake and a promise.” Gabriel grimaced as the

  memory of that dreadful conversation haunted him. “He showed

  me mercy. Then more than ever I felt obligated to keep my word. I

  resolved not to contact you directly until you were already assured your place at Harvard.”

  Julia shook her head stubbornly. “But what about me, Gabriel?

  You made a lot of promises to me. Didn’t you think about keeping

  them?”

  “Of course. Before I left Toronto, I put the textbook in your

  mailbox. I thought you’d find the passage in Abelard’s letter and read what I wrote on the back of the photograph.”

  “But I didn’t realize it was from you. I didn’t even look at it until the night you came to see me. That’s why I was running outside. I

  didn’t have an internet connection in my apartment and I wanted

  to email you.”

  “What would you have said?”

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  “I don’t know. You have to understand that I thought you’d had

  enough of me. That you’d decided I wasn’t worth the trouble.” Tears sprang to Julia’s dark eyes, and she brushed them aside.

  “I’m the only one in this relationship who was never worth the

  trouble. I knew I’d put myself in a situation in which I was careless with your heart. But it wasn’t done to hurt you. It was pride and bad judgment and mistake after mistake.” He looked down at his hands

  and began to turn the wedding ring around his finger.

  “Katherine Picton tried to help me. She said she’d see that the

  university left you alone during my absence and that she would do

  everything she could to help you graduate on time. She mentioned

  that an old friend of hers had left the Department of Romance Studies at Boston University in order to take a position at UCLA. She

  wanted my permission to nominate me as his replacement. I asked

  her to go ahead.

  “I interviewed for the position, and while I waited for their decision, I went to Italy. I had to do something to shake myself out of my depression before I did something I would regret.”

  Julia’s stomach suddenly tightened. “Something you would

  regret?”

  “Not women. The mere idea of being with someone else made

  me sick. I was more worried about other — vices.”

  “Before you go any further, I need to tell you something.” Her

  voice was stronger and more determined than the will behind it.

  Gabriel began to watch her carefully, wondering what in the

  world she was about to reveal.

  “When I told you that my relationship with Paul didn’t go beyond

  friendship, what I said was true. Technically.”

  “Technically?” Gabriel’s eyebrows flew up and his voice lowered

  to a growl.

  “He wanted more. He told me he loved me. And we — kissed.”

  Gabriel was silent for a moment or two, and Julia watched as

  his knuckles whitened.

  “Is Paul who you want?”

  “He was a friend to me when I needed one. But I never had

  romantic feelings for him. I think you know this already, but you

  ruined me for other men when I was seventeen.” Her voice trembled.

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  “But you kissed him.”

  “Yes, I did.” Julia leaned over and with a gentle hand, brushed a

  lock of hair away from Gabriel’s forehead. “But that’s all. I had no idea you were coming back to me, but I still turned him down.” She withdrew her hand. “Not because I wouldn’t have had a good life

  with him. But because he wasn’t you.”

  “I’m sure that distressed him.” Gabriel sounded sarcastic.

  “I broke his heart,” said Julia, her shoulders hunching. “And I

  took no pleasure in doing so.”

  The sight of Julia’s obvious discomfort tugged at him, but he

  couldn’t disguise the relief at her admission that he had no rivals in her affection. He squeezed her shoulder before he spoke.

  “I was worried that if we had any contact and Paul found out

  about it, he’d run and tell Jeremy.”

  “He wouldn’t have done that. He was good to me, even after I

  broke his heart.” Julia smoothed imaginary wrinkles out of her yellow dress. “I know you said you were faithful, and I’m not questioning you on that. But did anyone — kiss you?”

  “No.” He smiled ruefully. “I’d make a good Dominican or Je-

  suit, don’t you think? With my new virtue of celibacy? Although I

  discovered during our separation that I don’t have the disposition to be a Franciscan.”

  Julia gave him a quizzical look.

  “That’s a story for another day.”

  She squeezed his hand in affection and withdrew it, silently

  willing him to finish his story.

  “If I wasn’t offered the position at BU, I was going to resign my

  job in Toronto. All I had to do was keep myself together until after graduation.

  “I wanted to feel close to you, to remember a happier time, so I

  went to Italy. Truthfully, Julianne, those days with you in Florence and Umbria were the happiest days of my life.” He averted his eyes.

  “I even went to Assisi.”

  “To become a Franciscan?” She smirked.

  “Hardly. I visited the Basilica and I thought I saw you.”

  He looked over at her hesitantly, wondering if she would think

  that he was disturbed. “Your doppelgänger led me to the lower church and down to the crypt, to the tomb of St. Francis.

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  “At first, I stared at the young woman, wishing she was you. Wish-

  ing I hadn’t made so many mistakes. I was confronted by my own

  failures. My sin. I’d made an idol of you. I’d worshipped you, like a pagan. Then when I lost you, I was in danger of losing everything. I told myself I needed you to save me, that I was nothing without you.

  “I began to see how I’d been given chance after chance. Through

  no goodness of my own, I’d been given grace and love. And I’d thrown it away or treated it cheaply. I didn’t deserve the family who adopted me. I didn’t deserve Maia, who was the best part of my relationship with Paulina. I didn’t deserve to survive the drugs and graduate from Harvard. I didn’t deserve you.”

  He paused and brushed at his eyes again, but this time the

  moisture didn’t abate.

  “Grace isn’t something we deserve, Gabriel,” Julia said softly. “It comes from love. And God wraps the world in second chances and

  sticky little leaves and mercy, even though some people don’t want them.”

  He kissed the back of her hand. “Precisely.

  “In the crypt of the Basilica, something happened. I realized you

  couldn’t save me. And I found — peace.”

  “Sometimes we search for grace until it catches us.”

  “How are you not an angel?” he breathed. “Whatever happened

  to me, it made me want to be good. My experience caused me to

  focus on God, but also
to love you more. I’ve always been attracted to your goodness, Julianne. But I believe I love you more deeply

  now than before.”

  She nodded as her eyes suddenly blurred with salt water.

  “I should have told you that I loved you sooner. I should have

  asked you to marry me. I thought I knew what was best for you. I

  thought that we had all the time in the world.”

  Julia tried to speak, but her voice caught in her throat.

  “Please tell me that it isn’t too late, Julianne. Please tell me I haven’t lost you forever.”

  She stared at him for a moment, and put her arms around him.

  “I love you, Gabriel. I never stopped. We both made mistakes — with our relationship, with the university, with each other. But I hoped that you would come back to me. That you still loved me.”

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  She kissed him on the lips, and Gabriel felt an overflowing of

  joy mixed with guilt.

  He was embarrassed, she could tell. But Julia also knew that his

  damp eyes were the result of a myriad of things — exhaustion and

  frustration, and the pain that lingers from a prolonged depression.

  “Then you’ll stay?” His voice was soft.

  She hesitated just long enough for him to feel worried.

  “I want more than what we had before,” she said.

  “More than I can give you?”

  “Not necessarily, but I’ve changed over these past few month, and

  I see that you have too. The question is, where do we go from here?”

  “Then tell me what you want. Tell me and I’ll give it to you.”

  She shook her head. “I want us to figure things out together.

  And that will take time.”

  P

  Soon it was too warm to sit outside, so Gabriel and Julia returned to the house and settled themselves in the living room. He reclined on the leather sofa, while Julia made herself comfortable in one of the red velvet chairs.

  “Should we address the elephant in the room?” she asked.

  He nodded, suddenly tense.

  “Um, I’ll start. I want to get to know you again. I want to be

  your partner.”

  “I want you to be a good deal more than that,” whispered Gabriel.

  Julia shook her head vehemently. “It’s too soon. You took away

  my choices, Gabriel. You have to stop doing that or we aren’t going to get very far.”

  His face fell.

  “What is it?” she asked, dreading his answer.

  “I don’t regret trying to save your career. I wish we could have

  come to a consensus about it. But when I saw you in danger, I reacted.

  And what’s more, so would you if I were in danger.”

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  Julia felt her anger rise. “So this whole conversation, your apologies, mean nothing?”

  “Of course not! I should have talked to you before I did anything.

  But if you expect me to be the sort of man who watches the woman he loves lose her dreams, then I can’t meet your expectations. I’m sorry.”

  Julia flushed a brilliant red. “So we’re right back where we started?”

  “I didn’t hold it against you when you went out of your way to

  protect me from Christa, or from the committee. I didn’t hold your harassment email against you, even though we both agree it was a

  mistake. Can’t you give me the same consideration? Can’t you give

  me grace, Julianne? Your grace?”

  Despite his pleading tone, Julia wasn’t listening. At that moment, all she heard was Gabriel discounting her objections. Again.

  She shook her head and walked to the door.

  Here was the fork in the road, where the paths diverged. She

  could walk through the door, and everything with Gabriel would be

  over. There would be no third chance. Or she could stay, knowing

  that he refused to see his damned heroics in front of the committee as anything problematic.

  She hesitated.

  “Let me love you, Julianne. The way that you should be loved.”

  He stood behind her, his lips vibrating against her ear. She could feel the warmth of his body radiating through her clothes and against her back.

  “I am your faithful one, Beatrice. Of course I want to protect

  you. Nothing will change that.”

  “I would rather have had you than Harvard.”

  “Now you can have both.”

  She turned around. “At what cost? Don’t tell me that our situa-

  tion didn’t damage us, possibly irreparably.”

  He brushed her hair over one shoulder and pressed his lips to

  the bare side of her neck. “Forgive me. I promise I won’t rob you of your dignity or our partnership. But I won’t stand by and watch you get hurt when I can prevent it. Don’t make me to revert to being a selfish bastard.”

  In stubborn annoyance, Julia took a step toward the door, but

  Gabriel caught her arm.

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  “In a perfect world, there would always be communication and

  consultation between partners. But we don’t live in that world. There are emergencies and dangerous, vindictive people. Is my desire to

  keep you from harm so great a sin that you would leave me over it?”

  When she remained silent, he continued. “I will do my utmost

  to make decisions with you and not for you. But I make no apologies for wanting you to be safe and happy. I won’t be beholden to

  the rule that I have to consult you before I act in cases of emergency.

  “You want me to treat you like an equal. I want the same treatment.

  That means that you need to trust me to make the best decision I can, given the information I have, without being omniscient. Or perfect.”

  “I’d rather have you alive and carrying your shield than have you

  dead and covered by it.” She sounded obstinate.

  Gabriel laughed. “I think the battle of Thermopylae is behind

  us, darling. But I share your sentiment and would ask the same of

  you. My little warrior.”

  He kissed her neck again. “Take my ring.” He quickly slipped the

  wedding ring from his left hand and held it over her right shoulder.

  “I wore this to signify the fact that my heart, my life was yours.”

  She hesitantly took the ring from his hand and slipped it on

  one of her thumbs.

  “I’ll sell this damn house. I only bought it to be close to you. But I can find an apartment until we choose a home together.”

  “You just moved in. And I know you love the garden.” Julia sighed.

  “Then tell me what you want. We can take our time without

  making promises about the future. But please forgive me. Teach me, and I promise I will be your most willing student . ”

  When she was silent and unmoving for several minutes, Gabriel

  took her hand, leading her from the living room upstairs to his

  bedroom.

  “What are you doing?” she asked as they approached the door.

  “I need to hold you in my arms, and I think that you need to be

  held. That damn sofa is too narrow for both of us. Please.” He led her to the bed and positioned himself on his back with open arms,

  inviting her to wrap herself around him.

  She hesitated. “What about Rebecca?”

  “She won’t disturb us.”

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  Julia was unwilling to return to his bed simply because he invited her, and so she looked around for something, anything, to distract him.

  “What are these?” She pointed at what looked like two gr
oupings

  of large picture frames that were leaning against one of the walls and covered by a sheet.

  “Look at them.”

  Julia crouched down on the hardwood floor and removed the

  sheet. There were about ten large photographs, stacked in two groups of five, all black and white. All featured Julia. Some included Gabriel.

  She hadn’t seen most of them before as they had been framed after

  their separation. There were photographs from Belize, from Italy, and posed photographs that had served as part of her Christmas present to Gabriel. All were startlingly beautiful and amative.

  “It was difficult for me to look at them when I thought I’d lost

  you. But as you can see, I kept them.”

  Gabriel watched as Julia looked through the photographs once

  more before studying his favorite, a picture of her lying on her stomach on a bed in Belize.

  “What happened to the old ones? The ones you had before you

  met me?”

  “Long gone. I didn’t need or want them anymore.”

  She placed the sheet over the pictures before walking to the bed.

  She looked conflicted.

  Gabriel reached out his hand. “Relax. I just want to hold you.”

  She allowed herself to be pulled into his arms so she could nestle against his chest.

  “That’s better,” he murmured, kissing her forehead. “I want to

  earn your trust and your respect. I want to be your husband.”

  Julia was quiet for a moment, holding her breath, as his words

  sunk into her consciousness. “I want us to take things slowly. No

  more talk of marriage.”

  “Fortunately, I can wait.” He kissed her once again.

  This time, the kiss escalated. Hands roamed to find purchase on

  muscles and curves, mouths connected determinedly, punctuated by

  sighs and almost breathless moans, hearts began to beat faster. It was a 352

  Gabriel’s Rapture

  kiss to mark a reunion, to pledge the continuation of fidelity and love.

  Gabriel kissed her to show her that he loved her, that he was sorry.

  Julia kissed him back to tell him that she could never give her

  heart to anyone else. That she was hopeful their shared imperfections, once acknowledged and explored, could be ameliorated in order to

  provide both of them with a healthy, happy life.

  She pulled away first. She could hear his quickened breathing,

  and it cheered her that they still had this spark between them.