Emma

by Peggy McKenzie

  Quinn’s look gave her pause. “What is it? What is it you aren’t telling me, Quinn?” For a moment, she thought he wouldn’t answer, but finally, Quinn spoke.

  “Emma, when our parents died, we three boys inherited a substantial amount of money. And with our youngest brother’s death, that means Colin and I share the entire estate. Trust me, he has all the money he needs to disappear for as long as he wants.”

  Emma’s hopes plummeted, but she wasn’t going to give up on this man she had fallen in love with. “God brought me here for a reason. Colin is that reason. He needs me…and I need him. I won’t let him go without a fight. He can’t leave until the livery stable opens tomorrow morning and he can buy a horse and supplies. I’ll just have to find him tonight.”

  Her resolve firmly in place, she rushed to get her stocking cap and coat. Sarah called out to her. “Where are you going? You don’t even know where to start looking for him. You don’t know this town, Emma. Let Quinn go.”

  “God brought me and Colin here to Angel Creek so he could bestow upon us his mercy and grace. He knew we needed each other. Don’t you see that, Sarah? There’s no other explanation. Colin is my purpose and I am his hope. Without purpose and hope, what good is this second chance at life God has given us?”

  She saw the understanding in Sarah’s eyes. “Then do what you must, but please be safe, Emma. Don’t take any unnecessary chances. Please promise me you’ll be careful.”

  “I promise.” Emma wrapped her scarf around her throat and stuffed the ends into her coat to keep them tight against the cold night air. She shoved her hands inside her wool mittens and stepped out into the night. A shiver sent goosebumps to pebble across her skin. For a moment she allowed her doubts and fears to rob her of her courage.

  She looked up into the night sky and saw the Christmas star shining bright against the inky black of the night sky. “Dear God in Heaven, please guide me to Colin. I know You wouldn’t bring me all this way to let me fail now. Give me a sign where he’s gone so I can help bring him back to the land of the living.”

  A calmness settled on Emma and she breathed a sigh of relief. God was with her. He would lead her to Colin. All she had to do was start moving forward. She stuffed her mitten covered hands down deep inside her coat pocket and left the yard. She turned toward the saloon even though she knew she wouldn’t find him there.

  Emma walked up and down every single street in Angel Creek. It was getting late and the town grew quiet. Even the raucous noise of the saloon’s piano had died away. Her feet were freezing and her face was numb. She would have to go home soon. She couldn’t stay out all night even though she didn’t want to go home without Colin. He needed her. And she needed him.

  Fear and disappointment at not finding him slowed her determined steps. She had looked everywhere for him. In every alleyway. In every unlocked doorway. He wouldn’t have left town. He couldn’t have, so why hadn’t she found him yet? Where would he go? She wondered. Where would a desperate man holding on to his last thread of hope go on a night like this?

  Worried and exhausted, Emma knew she needed to go home and get warm. She consoled herself that Colin was a seasoned soldier. He knew how to protect himself from the cold and he would find someplace warm to spend the night. But it wasn’t the elements that frightened her for Colin’s safety. It was Colin himself. If he succumbed to his usual method of dealing with his pain—drinking whiskey until he was dead drunk—he could then just lay down somewhere…and die.

  Emma fell to her knees on the cold ground, tears fell down her frozen cheeks. “Dear God in Heaven, please help me find him. He needs me. He needs us. Please show me the way.” Emma begged.

  She knelt on the frozen mud in the middle of the empty street begging for God’s help. Soon, the pain of the cold forced her to rise. Feeling lost and abandoned by God, she turned toward home. She wouldn’t give up on Colin. She just prayed he would still be alive in the morning’s light.

  She was about to turn the corner when a sudden gleam of moonlight reflected off the church’s stained glass windows. She could just make out the outline of the nativity scene in the window. Something caught her attention. A movement inside the church? But that couldn’t be, could it? There were no lights on, so it was either a thief or…

  She didn’t want to get her hopes up and she couldn’t be certain she had seen anything at all. Perhaps it was only wishful thinking on her part that was making her see things. She stood and stared at the stained glass window. Nothing. She stood still a little longer, hoping against hope there was someone there. Still nothing. Disappointed, she decided she must have imagined it when something, or someone, moved inside the church again. A faint shadow moved across each window as it—or he—headed toward the pulpit at the front of the church.

  Could it be Colin?

  There was definitely something…or someone…inside the church. But who would be inside the church this late at night without any lamps lit? She knew the answer. “A desperate man holding on to his last thread of hope.”

  She ran across the frozen ground toward the church. She knew if she rushed inside, Colin would only run from her again, so she prayed again. “God, I know you have a plan for Colin. Please reveal it now because I may have only this one chance to help him. Otherwise, I fear he will be lost to both of us.” She approached the church on quiet footsteps. She had no idea what she was going to do…or say…but she had faith that God had a plan and he would reveal it when he was ready.

  She inhaled a deep breath for courage and tried to find a way inside the church.

  Chapter 17

  Colin was holding on to his sanity by a thread. He had rushed out of his brother’s house with no notion of where he was heading. He just knew he couldn’t go back to the saloon because that’s the first place his brother would look.

  It was then he’d seen the pastor coming out of the church. The idea of hiding in the church took root. He waited for the preacher to lock the door and head home. He just needed some time to figure out what his next move would be.

  When he was certain the preacher was gone for the evening, Colin tried both the front and the back door. They were both locked tight. He didn’t feel right about breaking one of the beautiful stained glass windows to gain access, so he hunted for an alternative way in. Luckily, he found it in the small door next to the large rock fireplace. The opening was used to stack firewood without dragging it through the church leaving chips and wood shavings on the floor. It was also used to remove the ash from the fireplace for the same reasons.

  He slipped through the opening with little trouble. For once, he was grateful for his weight loss. If he had been his former self, he would never have made it through.

  Once inside the quiet church, Colin had just enough light from the moon’s glow shining through the stained glass windows to maneuver around the interior. Muted colors fell across the polished wood floor. Even he could admit it was beautiful and the quiet sanctuary gave him a sense of peace he hadn’t had in more than a year.

  It was going to be a long cold night, but he’d spent worse nights trying to sleep in uncomfortable places. This was better than most of those. Since he obviously couldn’t light a fire to keep warm, he hunted for something to cover himself with. His coat was suitable, but it wouldn’t protect him from the dropping temperatures. There were no clouds in the sky tonight, so mountain temperatures were going to drop very low.

  Colin shuffled up and down the pews in search of something to keep him warm. He was about to give up when he spied something laying on a back pew. It was a blanket.

  Grateful for something, he picked it up and realized it was a small pink blanket with tiny lambs on it. A baby’s blanket. No matter. It was an extra layer of warmth and he would make good use of it.

  He wrapped the thick blanket around his shoulders and made his way back toward the front of the church. There was more room to stretch next to the preacher’s pulpit. And he was tired…not physically, but emotionally he w
as exhausted. He wished he could have found a bottle along the way. It would help to keep him warm and it would numb his ability to feel and feeling was the last thing he wanted to do.

  Colin settled his back against the pulpit and pulled his legs up to cover as much of his body with the blanket as he could. He knew Quinn was looking for him. He hated that he caused so much pain to those who loved him…and those he loved.

  Thoughts of Emma surfaced again, and he tried to push them back. This time, they wouldn’t leave. Instead, they came back to tease him with visions of her smiling face and trusting nature. Memories of their kisses and attempt at making cookies brought a smile to his face, but just as quickly it vanished. She probably knew by now what kind of man he was. He was sure Quinn had told Sarah and Emma about his confession. He shrugged off his pain. It didn’t matter. He would make sure she never had to lay eyes on him again. She’d be better off. That much was for certain.

  He snuggled down into the baby blanket and tried to get comfortable. It was going to be a long night. He needed a plan for tomorrow. He figured Quinn had already made the rounds to the livery stable and any store owners he could contact tonight warning them of Colin’s intentions to leave Angel Creek.

  But that wouldn’t matter. His brother couldn’t stop him from leaving town. Buying a horse and supplies wasn’t illegal and Colin hadn’t done anything wrong. He just didn’t want to have another emotional confrontation with his brother. Or Emma. He didn’t think he could survive it.

  He forced himself to relax as much as he could considering he hadn’t eaten anything all day and he was lying on the floor in a cold church covered with a baby blanket. Maybe later, when he was certain Quinn had stopped looking for him for the night, he’d sneak out and find a bite to eat.

  A clock somewhere nearby struck midnight. It would be at least six more hours until sunrise. He might as well try to get as comfortable as possible. It was gonna be a long night and an even longer day tomorrow.

  He stretched out on the floor and covered his arms and trunk with the blanket, trying to get as comfortable as possible. He wished he could just go to sleep and forget about…everything.

  Colin sat in the dark church for a half hour or so when a sound alerted him that someone was about. He turned his head to hear better. There it was again. He was no longer alone.

  The moon was still high in the sky, so he hadn’t been there long. Could it be the pastor was returning for something he’d forgotten? Colin couldn’t see anyone, but he could hear them moving around in the dark.

  “Colin? Are you in here?” He heard Emma’s voice call out to him.

  Damn it. Of all the people who would come looking for him, he had hoped it wouldn’t be Emma. So much for never laying eyes on her again.

  “Colin. I know you’re in here. Talk to me. Please.” She called out to him.

  He didn’t want to talk to her. And yet he hated the worry in her voice. “Go away, Emma. You don’t belong here.” He spoke to her through the darkness.

  “I’m not going away, Colin. Please, please talk to me.” He heard the desperation in her voice, and he couldn’t deny her request.

  “Come to the front of the church.” He heard her moving toward him and then he saw her. “Emma, why are you here?”

  “I want to know what happened to you that day? I want to hear it from you.”

  “Didn’t Quinn give you the full gory story?”

  “He said you told him you knew what was going to happen beforehand and that you could have stopped the bloodshed…but you didn’t. There’s got to be more to the story. You aren’t the kind of man to willingly allow someone to die without trying to save them. It isn’t you.”

  Colin’s emotions bubbled over. “It is me, Emma. Don’t you get it? I’m that man. The very same man before you is the very same man that allowed his whole company, almost to a man, to be murdered. I could have saved them, but I didn’t.” He sobbed unable to control his emotions any longer. “Now, you know the truth about me. Please, forget you ever knew me. You’ll be better off.” He turned to leave, but Emma grabbed hold of his arm keeping him in place.

  “Tell me the details, Colin. Tell me exactly what happened that day. Please,” she begged.

  “You really are a glutton for punishment, aren’t you?”

  “I just want to understand what really happened that day. I don’t believe it is as black and white as you paint it to be. Tell me, Colin. I need to know all of it.”

  Colin didn’t want to relive that day, but if her hearing the details would make her leave and never look back, then it was a sacrifice he was willing to make…for her.

  “Alright, you want to know the details. Here they are in all their bloody, gory, messy truth.”

  He sat down on the front pew. Emma sat down beside him still holding on to his arm. Her presence beside him in this quiet sanctuary was comforting. Calming. She gave him the courage to pull all those ghosts from the past and breath live into them with his words.

  Colin took a deep breath and focused on the day he had spent the last fourteen months trying to forget. “It was a calm spring morning in April. We were camped about ten miles outside of Loudon, Tennessee. It was just after six o’clock revelry when Colonel Bellamy called me to his tent. Captain Cassidy, he said, I want you to assemble a company of men and get ready to march on an outpost of Johnny Rebs just this side of Loudon. I remember the conversation as if it were yesterday.

  “I knew that Loudon was heavy guarded by Confederate soldiers. I also knew they had cannons surrounding the town. It would have been suicide to attack that town without reinforcements and I told the colonel as much. He refused to listen to reason. So, I tried another tactic hoping to persuade him to reconsider his plan.

  “What did you say to him.” Emma whispered in the dark.

  “I proposed an alternative plan to take a few of my sharpshooters and see if we can find any weaknesses in their defense. If we were able to position them in the right places, then they might have a chance to pick off the cannoneers before they could send cannon balls into our company of men.”

  “And what did he say?” She squeezed his hand to encourage him to continue with his story.

  “He said we didn’t have time for that because it would take the better part of a day to ride there, do recon, and ride back. He said his damn informants told him that now was the time to attack.”

  “I begged him to let me ride to the edge of town to try and gain some edge against the Rebels. If you want a win, Colonel, we have to be smart about this advance.

  “Something I said must have gotten to him because he agreed. He gave me four hours to do what should have taken all day, but it was all I had so I took my best sharpshooters and we rode hell-bent for leather toward the town.

  “Three hours later, I had a pretty good plan in place. It wasn’t bulletproof but it was something we could hang our hat on. I knew I was running out of time so I left the sharpshooters in place and I rode as hard as I could back to camp. Thirty minutes into the ride, I heard all hell break loose. I rode up on a rise above the town and…I couldn’t believe my eyes.

  “The colonel had lied to me. The dirty bastard hadn’t waited for me to return. It was plain to me now that it never was his plan to wait on me to return. As soon as he saw me ride over the encampment’s ridge, he ordered an entire company of men, one-hundred men, to attack the town from the north.

  “I saw they were riding straight into the face of those damn cannons, so I rode as fast as I could toward my men hoping to warn them, but it was already too late. The cannons picked them off one-by-one, ripping them apart right before my eyes. I gave the order to retreat knowing I would be court-martialed for insubordination for disobeying my commanding officer’s orders, but I didn’t care. I had to try to save my men.

  Colin stopped and drew a ragged breath. His heart was pounding inside his chest. It was as if he were back on that battle field watching it all happen again.

  “Go on. Tell me
what happened next.” Emma encouraged him. Her small hand slipped inside of his and he held on tight, clinging to it for support.

  “I was too late. The cannons tore my men apart. The ones who had managed to hide behind hay bales or trees in the fields outside of town were picked off by Rebel sharpshooters. In less than an hour, one hundred good men, brave men, lay dead under a beautiful clear blue sky of spring.”

  When he finished, he watched Emma’s face for signs of her reaction. There was nothing. No disgust. No pity. No…nothing. What was he supposed to make of that?

  He shook his head in frustration. He wasn’t supposed to make anything of that. Not a damn thing. Because it didn’t matter what Emma thought. He wasn’t staying.

  “Colin, you can’t blame yourself for their deaths. Other people were involved. Your commanding officer was the one who decided to send them into harm’s way. Not you. I know you feel responsible, but it was out of your control—"

  “It wasn’t out of my control. Didn’t you hear what I said?” Colin’s anguish at reliving that day threatened to overcome his control. “I was responsible for those men. I was the only thing standing between them and that lunatic, Bellamy. Everyone knew he wasn’t right in the head. I should have known I couldn’t count on him to keep his word, but instead of staying with my men to make sure they were protected, I rode away hoping for a miracle. Well, the miracle didn’t come, Emma. I prayed to God for a miracle and it…didn’t…come.” He sobbed.

  Emma’s hand reached out and caressed his face. “Colin, that’s not your fault. And the only reason you know what your commanding officer was up to is through hindsight. Anyone can do the right thing with knowledge of the past. But you didn’t have the luxury of that knowledge on that day, did you? You didn’t know that your commanding officer was going to send you off to gather information and then betray you once your back was turned. You trusted him, and yes, maybe you could have done something to stop their deaths if you had known he would not honor his word, but you didn’t know that then.”