Any Given Lifetime

by Leta Blake

  “Listen, Neil,” Derek had said, “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but it’s like you’re not even here. I don’t expect a lot from you, and I know we’re not dating, but I care about you, and—you know what I mean?”

  Neil hadn’t been entirely sure, but he assumed that Neil meant he’d been a lousy friend lately. He’d gritted his teeth against the waves of stomach-tingling nausea that kept rushing through him every time he thought of Joshua’s phone call and focused on Derek. “I wasn’t listening. I’m sorry. It’s the project. I can’t stop thinking about it. But I’m listening now.” He’d gestured with his hand for Derek to go ahead.

  It hadn’t even been a full minute before Neil had fallen into thoughts of Joshua again, and when he’d broken off to head back to his work at the lab, he’d noticed that Derek’s eyes looked a little hurt. He hadn’t apologized. He hadn’t even known what to say. Derek should find a real boyfriend; he deserved that. Neil could learn to live without having someone to fuck.

  Tired and hungry, Neil put aside his work and checked to make sure his phone was working properly. Joshua hadn’t called yet, and it was getting late in the day. He’d usually phoned by now, completely destroying Neil’s productivity until he’d had time to calm down, which was why he’d taken to spending a lot of nights in the lab.

  There was still nothing. Neil checked all messages—text, email, and digi-center—and there was nothing from Joshua. He cursed himself for having told Joshua to leave him alone the day before, suddenly worried that Joshua would do just that. He’d meant it at the time, mainly because he’d been shot through with intense adrenaline and felt like he was going to burst out of his skin. Now, though, he thought he’d burst out of it if Joshua didn’t call.

  He considered calling Alice, but it would worry her if he called two days in a row. He considered calling Joshua—he’d never done that since the funding was approved, actually. He’d never had to. But it occurred to him that he had Joshua’s number; he could invent a reason. He could say that he wanted to get Joshua’s approval before moving forward with the decompression work, or, if he could figure out the code for the acceleration rate, he could claim that he was ‘reporting back’ to Joshua regarding that resolution.

  He rubbed the bridge of his nose and shook his head hard, trying to get his mind back in the game, but it was no use.

  Neil shut down all the applications and hung up his lab coat. There was always lunch at the apartment, and if he got there before Derek left for his afternoon class—or whatever it was he did at that time of the day—he could take some solace in Derek’s ass, too.

  It was weird, though. Since Joshua had started calling regularly, fucking Derek wasn’t as good as it had been. Neil had started feeling a weird guilt about it, like he was betraying Joshua in some way. He forced himself to shake it off because it was ridiculous, and fucking was one of the few real pleasures of his life. And yet the orgasms didn’t seem to pay attention to his justifications. His cock just spit out his spunk with less satisfaction than he’d ever known before. It was annoying.

  Regardless, Neil was too tired, anxious, and hungry to get any more work done. He decided to head home. Maybe, if nothing else, he could manage to nap.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Atlanta was broad and big compared to Scottsville, but with skinny little roads that people seemed to travel down recklessly with little concern for traffic rules. Joshua felt lucky to have escaped an untimely death as his rental autocar pulled into the parking lot in front of the student apartment building.

  Adair had given him Neil Green’s address on Emory University’s campus. Joshua had decided to start there, despite a nagging part of him that insisted that it would be more appropriate to go to the building housing Neil’s office and labs, or to at least phone ahead. But another part of Joshua was curious about how Neil lived and wanted to see something more intimate than he’d get from what was essentially Dr. Green’s office space. And besides, if he called Neil first, then he’d miss the element of surprise and only see what Dr. Green wanted him to see. That wasn’t what Joshua was after at all.

  Joshua walked up the set of outside stairs, noting the apartment numbers as he went. He untucked his shirt, undoing a few buttons at the top, and wiped a hand over his forehead. It was hot in Atlanta, even though it was November. Almost eighty degrees. Joshua wished he’d worn a short-sleeve shirt instead of his usual business button-up, but he hadn’t anticipated this kind of weather in the middle of autumn.

  Besides, he’d wanted to appear…he wasn’t sure. He’d told himself that he wanted to look professional, and that still held true, but he also wanted to remind himself of the power dynamic between them. With all of the outrageous thoughts Joshua had been having, the hopes, and the unreasonable speculation, Joshua felt like he could easily be overpowered if he wasn’t careful to keep in mind that he was the older person and the one with the money. He repeated a mantra under his breath as he reached the top of the steps. You hold all the cards. He ignored how that felt like a lie.

  Joshua stood in front of Neil’s apartment and took a long breath of strangely muggy air, pulling it through his sinuses and trying to get a good grip. He reminded himself that no matter what this Neil said, no matter what he looked like, or what he did, he was just a kid, not a ghost. It seemed less true than ever, though, and he turned his back from the door, saying under his breath, “Come on, Joshua. Be tough. You can do this. Be strong.”

  The door opened, and he swung around, not really prepared to see Neil but expecting it all the same. Only, it wasn’t Neil at all. It was a young guy about Neil’s age with dark hair, a sleepy smile, and big bag of trash. The same guy from the video in the coffee shop.

  “Oh, uh, hey,” he said to Joshua, looking around outside the door like there might be someone else to explain who Joshua was and why he was there.

  “Hi,” Joshua began, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking past the guy into the apartment. “I’m looking for Neil?”

  “Oh, Neil, yeah…um, he’s at the lab. Didn’t come home last night. Do you…I mean, can I help? Or do you wanna come back later?”

  Joshua looked around, there had been rain earlier and steam came up in waves from the black asphalt in the parking lot below. “Could I maybe wait for him here? It’s an awfully hot day to wait in my car.” The kid looked apprehensive, so Joshua went on, “Or should I go to the lab? Meet up with him there?”

  The guy stepped aside and pushed the bag of trash back into the apartment. He waved with a hand. “Naw, come on in. He’ll be back soon, I bet. He’ll be hungry, and they aren’t allowed to keep food in the lab.”

  Joshua stepped in, looking around, as the guy continued to talk. “They’ve had some big breakthroughs lately,” he was saying. “Neil’s been staying all night at the lab a lot.” The kid gestured to the room and said, “Make yourself comfortable. It’s all clean, I promise. Neil makes me vacuum every day.”

  Despite the kid’s insistence that the place was clean, it looked like a typical student abode. There were pizza boxes with the crusts still inside strewn about and some empty soda cans. The guy shoved a longish strand of dyed black hair out of his eyes and said, “So, want a Coke while you wait?”

  Joshua smiled politely and asked for water instead.

  “Sure, no problem. I’m Derek by the way.” He turned to the kitchen—which did, Joshua had to admit, look pretty clean for a college kid’s place.

  Handing the drink over, Derek frowned. “So, I can’t promise that Neil will be back. I mean, he should be, but…he’s in and out. You should text him or call. I used to know his schedule pretty well, but he’s been really busy lately. I don’t see him as much.”

  “The best kind of roommate, right?” Joshua said, trying to relate, but he felt old standing in this apartment with a scrawny little kid gawking at him from underneath his stupid statement hair.

  “Nah, I wish he was around more,” Derek said. “He’s cool in his own way. W
hen he’s not bitching me out for talking to his momma too much or freaking out about my messes.”

  Freaking out about my messes. Joshua remembered Neil’s fastidious apartment, how diligent he’d been at cleaning up Magic’s fur, and the way he’d stare skeptically at Paul’s piles of dishes.

  “Oh?” Joshua asked, thinking that he must not appear as weird as he felt, or else the kid would have kicked him out by now. “So, you like him, then?”

  “Yeah, well…yeah,” the kid said, his face turning slightly red as he looked away.

  Joshua’s eyebrows went up, and he had to close his mouth quickly. He had no idea why the relationship hadn’t already occurred to him, but it hadn’t. He’d thought Dr. Green was probably gay, but Joshua had admitted to himself that it might just be part of his delusion that he thought so. Now, though, he had a bit of proof—Dr. Green was gay. And living with this guy. Another student, someone his age. The same kid as in the video; yes, the one Joshua had written off as just being a friend, but now…now it was clear that there was something more here.

  Joshua felt like he might be sick. Disappointment and fear roiled through him. He’d been so close. Could this guy actually be what kept him away from Neil? Or was Joshua just lost in delusion after all?

  Joshua asked, “You’re Dr. Green’s boyfriend?”

  “Oh, no.” Derek blushed even harder, then, though. “Neil doesn’t do boyfriends. A boyfriend is more than he has the time or inclination for. He’s too busy, what with being the biggest genius to grace God’s green earth in a few decades.” The kid smiled. “I mean, he’s got two of the prof’s classes to teach and this new massive dream-come-true study to run. He’s a busy guy.”

  Joshua swallowed and decided to take the plunge. “I don’t mean to be nosy, but doesn’t he research reincarnation, too? On the side?”

  “Yeah.” Derek started to frown a little, looking Joshua up and down. “How’d you hear about that? He’s private about it.” Derek paled. “Wait, you look an awful lot like… Who are you, anyway?”

  “Joshua Stouder,” Joshua said, putting out his hand. Derek’s eyes went wide as he shook.

  “Derek,” he said. “Derek Matthews.”

  “Right, you said.”

  Derek’s eyes were huge. “Wow. Okay, so…you’re here. He actually met you.” Derek looked like he might laugh, or cry. He looked exactly how Joshua felt. “Did he totally piss himself or what?”

  Joshua’s heart thumped in his chest, but he wanted more. He wanted something explicit. Proof. “I’m sorry. I’m not following.”

  “Oooh, so he didn’t tell you. Of course he didn’t. What am I thinking? I mean, what’s he going to say?”

  “What’s he going to say?” Joshua repeated, dying to hear Derek’s response, willing him to mention something about reincarnation, about a truck, about Magic, about Dr. Neil Russell, about how his outlandish delusion was true.

  Derek stared at him, clearly caught in a place where he didn’t know how to respond.

  The key sounded in the lock, and Derek’s eyes flashed strangely. He cleared his throat and said, “He’s home. I’ll just…um.”

  Neil came in, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw Joshua.

  Joshua took in his piercing blue eyes, the length of his throat and prominent Adam’s apple. He looked at the black jeans Neil was wearing and the black button-up shirt. He took in Dr. Green’s curly hair that was exactly the same color as his Neil’s had been, and Joshua crushed the urge to grab him, hold him close, and make it real.

  Joshua’s head spun.

  Derek picked up the bag of trash. “Going to the Dumpster and then…for a run? And then over to Mary’s to shower and, uh, stay?” He said it all like it was a question, like he was waiting to see if this was what Neil wanted him to do.

  Neil nodded vaguely, his eyes not leaving Joshua’s face. Derek had to push past him to make it out the door with the trash bag. He paused for a minute and looked between Joshua and Neil, his eyes welling with tears. But he only said, “So, uh, I’ll see you tomorrow, Neil. I’ll just…stay with Mary tonight.”

  “Later,” Neil said. His gaze hadn’t left Joshua’s face.

  Neil had to move out of the doorway so that Derek could shut the door, and the motion seemed to wake him from his surprise. He looked thinner than Joshua remembered, and Joshua briefly wondered if he’d been eating enough.

  “What are you doing here, Mr. Stouder? I thought we had an understanding—you either trust me, or you don’t. Or is that the problem? Are you here to pull the plug on the whole thing? Or just to check up on me again?”

  “I’m not. I’m…not sure why I’m here,” Joshua said. How could he explain that he’d dreamed of bees every night, and that the bees had urged him to seek out Neil? Or that his long-dead lover had come to him in his sleep and turned into Dr. Green beneath his palms, in the middle of a kiss? How could he say what he suspected was true? “I came to see you,” Joshua said lamely.

  Dr. Green tensed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “You must have a better reason than that. I know I’m a good-looking guy, Mr. Stouder, but not so good looking that you’d fly down here to stand in my living room and stare at me.”

  The comment was so Neil-like, so much older than the person who stood in front of him, that Joshua didn’t know what to do with it.

  “So, let’s have it. If you’re here to argue more with me about the compressing units, I’ve already told you, I have the protocol designed to shave off that snag, and even though hearing your voice rise in anger is kinda hot, I’ve barely had any sleep and don’t think I can deal with trying to school you on advanced nanite engineering right now.”

  “Some people say that arguing is a kind of flirting,” Joshua said, feeling as shocked as Dr. Green looked when the words came out of his mouth.

  “Or foreplay,” was Dr. Green’s rejoinder, obviously uttered on instinct and the force of his personality.

  They continued to stand and stare at each other for a few moments, a frisson in the air between them, until Dr. Green said, “So…what? You came down here to, uh, ‘argue’ with me some more about the compressing units because, what? You’re that hard up?” His lips turned up in a small smirk. “If I recall correctly, you’ve always gone for a slightly older guy, Mr. Stouder. I’m not exactly your type.” He gestured at his own body. “You’re no chicken hawk.”

  Joshua took a sip of the water he’d nearly forgotten he was holding. It was refreshing, cool against his hot throat, so he took another while waiting for an explanation to come to him, some reason to explain why he was there that wasn’t completely ridiculous.

  “I keep dreaming about you,” Joshua said. That was not the explanation he was searching for.

  Dr. Green went very still, except for his fingers that seemed to tremble against his leg. “Gotta admit, didn’t see that one coming,” he said, his voice low and quiet, almost intimate.

  “What? I caught the great Neil Green off guard?”

  Dr. Green’s eyes narrowed a bit, and his lips pressed into a nervous, familiar line that Joshua had seen on his Neil more than once, usually when they were discussing something that both thrilled and terrified him.

  Dr. Green said, “I know it’s a bit warmer than you’re accustomed to at this time of year, but are you suffering from heat stroke, Mr. Stouder? I’m expecting Screamin’ Jay Hawkins’ ‘I Put a Spell on You’ to start playing any second now.”

  That song was already old when Joshua was a kid. He remembered Neil singing it one day, waggling his fingers around, and joking, “You’ve put a spell on me; it’s sickening.” Joshua felt a creeping, crawling sensation down his back, as he stared into Neil’s blue eyes, sharp and exactly the same.

  “Did you?” Joshua put the water down on the side table next to him and stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Did you put a spell on me?”

  Dr. Green blew an annoyed raspberry. “What are you talking about? I’m a scientist, remember? Spells aren’t based in scie
nce. And don’t even start on those ridiculous spells cast by Wiccans or whatever they’re calling themselves this generation, because—”

  This generation. Joshua’s hands were sweaty, and his legs felt weak. “I don’t mean an actual spell, Neil,” Joshua said. “I’m talking about nanites. You can program them to do anything. You’ve said so yourself. Did you program nanites to make me dream of you?”

  He had been clinging to this last shred of semi-sanity—even it was a stretch, because how would Neil have introduced the nanites to his blood stream? How would they have bypassed the blood-brain barrier, when that was part of what Joshua’s funding was going toward developing? But it was his only hope—otherwise, he’d either officially lost his mind, or Dr. Green really was Neil, and he couldn’t deal with how much he wanted the latter to be true. He needed it to be true.

  Dr. Green seemed to react to Joshua calling him by his first name. He grew a little more still, and he looked a little more fragile, less full of brass and balls. Joshua tried it again: “So, did you, Neil? Did you use nanites to make me dream those things?”

  Joshua felt cold through and through thinking that Neil—no, Dr. Green would do that to him. “Did you mess with my mind that way? Are you trying to make me think I’m crazy? Was it some kind of payback—?”

  “Mess with your mind? Nanites to make you dream about me? Even if that were possible, Mr. Stouder, why would I want to do that? Payback for not initially funding my project? That makes no sense.”

  “I don’t know you.” Joshua’s stomach was tense and felt full of swarming bees that buzzed into his veins, setting him vibrating.