Tear Me Apart

by J. T. Ellison

  “Better get Kat some extra water, too,” Jasper says, pulling down a large stainless steel bowl. “It can affect animals just like it does people. And let’s get some food in you. Burgers are ready, fries are done. You might not want to finish that beer.”

  “Thank you,” Zack says. “You’re right, I think I’ll stick with the water. I feel like a total wuss.”

  “Don’t. I’ve seen people laid low by altitude sickness so badly they had to be hospitalized. You’d be shocked, at the competitions, half the treatments the paramedics do are for altitude issues. No different than heatstroke at a hot beach.”

  “You’re both very kind. I’m so glad Vi—Mindy has you.”

  Jasper stops. “What did you start to call her?”

  “Sorry, I’m trying to reframe her name in my head, it’s not easy. Violet. That was supposed to be her name.”

  “Violet.” Jasper’s face grows utterly blank, closed, but he watches Zack with a new appreciation as if the whole thing has just clicked. “It’s a pretty name. I wonder what she’ll think about it?”

  Juliet puts the food on the table as if nothing’s happened. “Dig in.”

  Jasper is still watching him closely, as if he might explode at any minute. The reality is sinking in, he guesses, by the way Jasper is now fidgeting with a spatula. Zack’s lost daughter, lost life, lost possibilities. A girl named Violet, now known as Mindy. That Zack’s little girl is their little girl.

  “After we eat, I’ll show you her room, if you’d like.”

  Zack meets Jasper’s eyes. They are a shockingly light blue, he didn’t notice before, and veiled, as if he is forcing himself to be kind, to be open, while inside, he is slowly dying. He’s losing his whole family, just like you did. The realization hurts.

  “I’d like that very much.”

  48

  Mindy’s room is not what he expects from a teenage girl. It is immaculate, sparse. There is a small statue of the Buddha in the corner, sitting on a short wooden table, with a bronze gong and a few sticks of Nag Champa incense, a yoga mat unfurled. The walls are a warm green, like the forest outside, and the dark wood floors are unadorned except for a white shag rug and the mat. A desk completes the space, with bookshelves above, books alphabetically ordered. Mostly fiction, he notices, a pleasant flush going through him. It looks like a yoga studio, like a designer’s room.

  “Like us, she has a very minimalist aesthetic,” Jasper says. “I know it’s somewhat odd, but she has never been attached to things like other kids. Over the years, she’s given most of her stuff away, clothes to Goodwill, toys to Toys for Tots. She always asks us to make donations instead of giving her gifts on her birthday and Christmas. Very altruistic. Except for her ski equipment, which has its own room downstairs. That, she insists on the top of the line, though now that she’s so successful, the manufacturers are breaking down our doors to sponsor her.”

  Juliet is standing in the doorway, watching Zack with a small smile on her face. “Weird, huh? My room was always completely torn apart, books and clothes everywhere, posters stuck all over the walls. But Lauren’s was perfect, all the time. Bed made, clothes in the hamper, nothing lying around. She was my mother’s dream child, completely OCD, while I was always the mess. Mindy takes after Lauren in a lot of ways. She has a little OCD, too. It’s part of what keeps her focused on the prize. She just doesn’t bother with the extraneous stuff.”

  Zack looks at the iMac computer on the perfectly neat desk, a small notebook next to it. “Where does she go to school?”

  “Lauren homeschools her, for the most part,” Jasper says. “For a while, we had her in a program that allowed her to ski all winter and do school in the summer, but when she got onto the national circuit, it was just easier to do it ourselves. She loves school, loves to read. She’ll graduate at the end of the summer. College isn’t really in the cards right now, she’s...well, we have a lot of hurdles to overcome before we look into the future.” He glances at his watch. “It’s late. You have to be tired. Why don’t we show you to your room and you can get some rest.”

  They are halfway down the hall when Juliet’s phone rings. She listens for a minute, eyes darting over to Jasper, then to Zack, and then thanks the person and hangs up.

  The men watch her. Her face is unreadable. Finally, she speaks, a small catch in her throat.

  “Well, we have one hundred percent confirmation. Zack, you are Mindy’s biological father.”

  Jasper looks at his watch again, lips thin, his face suddenly pale. Zack barely notices. He stands in shock for a few moments, trying to wrap his head around what his heart hasn’t let him fully experience. His girl. He’s found his girl. This is real. It’s happening. He starts to smile.

  “My God. I didn’t even want to hope, I mean, I didn’t think I’d ever find her. I don’t know, what do we... God.” He has no words for the emotions he is having. He looks at Jasper, who is not looking joyful. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize. This situation isn’t of either of our making.”

  “You’re her father as much as I am, Jasper. Lauren is her mother as much as Vivian was. Don’t think I’m not aware of this. It’s hard for all of us, but we’ll figure it out.”

  Jasper claps him on the shoulder but doesn’t say anything. Kat wakes from her nap in front of the fire and woofs at them, as if she too is celebrating.

  “We should call the Nashville cops, let them know. They’ll want to get moving on this right away,” Juliet says.

  “No. We should call Lauren, tell her first.” Jasper already has the phone in his hand.

  Zack nods. “Yes, you’re right. Lauren first. I think the cops can wait until morning.”

  And inside, all he can think is, She’s yours. She’s yours. But who stole her away? Because whoever did killed Vivian.

  49

  VAIL HEALTH HOSPITAL

  Lauren hangs up the phone and stares out into the night.

  She should be ecstatic. There is a good chance Zack will be enough of a match that they can at least do an initial stem cell transplant. Maybe he’ll even be a perfect match, and Mindy will go into remission. This is the best news they’ve had in weeks.

  But the pervasive dread stalking her edges closer, and she shivers in fear.

  Mindy is, thankfully, still asleep. It seems the worst of the flu bug has passed and she is going to be okay. They need her as healthy and strong as possible before the transplant, because it’s going to be hell on her. Isolation, heavy chemo to kill her immune system, then the transfusion itself, almost an afterthought, strange blood snaking into her body, into her very essence, possibly making her whole.

  She dials Dr. Oliver’s line without bothering to glance at the time. She knows it’s late, but she also knows this is news he’ll want to hear as quickly as possible.

  He answers right away, knowing she’d only call him if there is an emergency. She’s been very careful not to abuse the privilege of having his personal phone number.

  “Lauren? Is everything okay with Mindy? I know she caught the gastro floating around, but I thought she was improving.”

  “She’s been feeling badly, but I think we’re past the worst of it. That’s not what I’m calling about. I’m sorry to bother you so late, but I wanted to let you know right away. We’ve found Mindy’s biological father.”

  His intake of breath is gratifying. “How’d you find him?”

  “My sister ran a DNA search and discovered his wife in the system. It’s a long story, but he’s here, in Colorado. At my house, actually.”

  “Okay then. I’ll have to send out my own tests, of course, and see if the cellular match will work, but this could be very good news, Lauren. Don’t get your hopes up too high, though. Often siblings are a better match than parents. Does he have any other children we can test?”

  “Not that I’m aware of
. It’s a rather...difficult situation, Dr. Oliver.” She blows out a deep breath. “It seems the doctor who helped me adopt Mindy did so illegally, and Mindy was stolen from this couple. The mother was murdered. It’s terrible, and we’re all very upset to learn that we’re going to be involved in a scandal, but right now, all of us are focused on the next steps for healing Mindy.”

  He whistles, long and low. “Goodness. Well, I’m sure we’ll have time to discuss everything in detail tomorrow. I’ll get on the phone right now, and we’ll be ready to do the testing first thing in the morning. Can you have her father—biological father—at the hospital at 5:00 a.m.?”

  “Of course. See you then.”

  “Lauren?”

  “Yes?”

  “This really is good news.”

  “I know it is. I’m just trying to temper my hopes.”

  “Understandable. Get some rest.”

  He clicks off and she shoves the phone in her back pocket, and thinks back to that first night, seventeen years ago, when she brought Mindy home.

  Frantic. That is the only word for this feeling. The baby won’t stop screaming, no matter what she does. She gives it her breast, though she knows there will be no sustenance, but hopes the child’s basic instincts will take over and then Lauren will slip the nipple of the bottle in her mouth, too. It doesn’t work. She warms a fresh bottle, changes another diaper—there’s been nothing but urine since she brought her home, but she doesn’t know how much the baby should go, considering she hasn’t eaten yet. Lauren walks and joggles and swaddles and sings, and still the child cries, pitifully, turning her insides out, and making Lauren’s ears ring.

  “Shhh, baby, shhh. It’s okay, Mommy is here.”

  Of course, Mommy isn’t here, but Lauren can’t think of that now, can’t think of anything but the crying, the crying, the crying.

  Lauren remembers these first few nights with such clarity: the fear, the sorrow, the knowledge her life will never be the same, that they are all changed. The abject horror of the child’s screams, Lauren knowing somehow it is her own fault for wanting the child so much, though that is silly, it’s no one’s fault, but she had a moment where she thought the baby blamed her and was punishing her. She understood, she did. If you were inside of one woman for nine months, and suddenly, that familiarity and warmth was gone and in its place an inexperienced stranger who can’t even feed you...yes, Lauren supposed she would have screamed her head off, too.

  If something goes wrong, don’t go near the hospital. Take her somewhere else. A clinic. A friend.

  Two days into the crying, desperate, she’d gone to the emergency room. The baby was quickly diagnosed with jaundice and put under a lamp. After the first couple of bowel movements, the frantic crying ceased, and Lauren’s world righted itself.

  She should have known. She should have realized something was wrong. She was too wrapped up in her guilt, in the idea that she wasn’t worthy, to recognize actual distress.

  She hovered over the baby until Jasper came along, and he had a way with Mindy that Lauren envied. She always quieted for him, always ate for him, always napped for him. Their date nights consisted of wine and pizza and a movie from Blockbuster so they could be close if Mindy woke and needed them.

  Lauren fell in love with Jasper, without a doubt, but that was after, when she realized she and Mindy couldn’t function without him. Truly, love was a bonus on the back end of things. Yes, he was handsome, but truthfully, Jasper wasn’t really her type—Lauren always went for the bad boys, and Jasper was the preppy boy next door, a former English major and active tennis player, with his floppy hair and crooked smile and law degree.

  They met at the laundromat, him washing an oversized comforter, Lauren scrambling to get the baby’s clothes clean and folded while she napped; the warm whirring of the machines always lulled her to sleep. Of course, some idiot came in with a boom box and the deep bass rumble woke Mindy, and she’d started to cry, and the cute guy next to her had offered to hold her while Lauren pulled her clothes out of the dryer, and the next thing she knew, they were eating at the pizza place next door, and she realized he’d been holding Mindy the whole time. When he asked her for her phone number, she felt something akin to relief, that maybe she didn’t have to do this all by herself.

  She’d been so young, so naïve. So lucky. He could have kidnapped the baby, stolen her away. He could have been a killer. Though she likes to think she would have sensed evil coming off of him.

  Jasper could have had anyone, but he’d chosen them, and she didn’t question it, just counted herself among the luckiest women on the planet. She always thought he considered himself lucky, too.

  The love came in like a wave one afternoon. She was exhausted—nothing new, everyone with a newborn is exhausted—but it was worse because Mindy had started an early tooth. She hadn’t cried so long and loud since the jaundice episode, and even Jasper’s magical touch couldn’t ease their little girl’s pain. He was carrying her around, singing softly, and had looked up with an expression of bemusement, and Lauren had smiled at him, and something inside her had clicked, like a big light switch going on, and she had a single thought, which she said aloud. “I love you.”

  He stopped, and smiled, and stuck a finger in Mindy’s mouth. “I love you, too. Now, fetch me the whisky, will you? I think a little on her gums will help.”

  “We can’t give the child whisky. They’ll arrest us.”

  “Then don’t tell anyone.” His eyes were sparkling; she’d pleased him with her unscheduled announcement. She got the bottle of Scotch, poured out a finger, and watched him dip the tip of his thumb in and swipe it on Mindy’s sore, red gums.

  It worked, like everything Jasper tried with the girl.

  The crying ceased, and the two of them managed to get her down for a nap, then snuck off to the bedroom themselves. After, he’d told her she was a good mother, and she’d cried a little when she said no, it was he who was the good father.

  And he’d kissed her, hard, and proposed, right then, the two of them tangled in the sheets, smelling of baby spit and whisky and love, and she hadn’t thought she could be happier than she was at that very moment.

  50

  “Mom?”

  Mindy’s voice pulls her from her reverie.

  Her little girl’s eyes are sunk into her head, but they have some sparkle back in them, thank heavens. Lauren gently caresses her cheek.

  “Hi, sweetie. You’re awake. You’ve been out for hours. How do you feel?”

  “Empty. Can I have some crackers?”

  “Of course. Hang on. I’ll go get some.”

  Should she tell her? Should she?

  She grabs the crackers and some fresh ginger ale and goes back to the room. Mindy has adjusted the bed so she sits up and is looking decidedly better than before.

  “Did you go home?”

  “No, I’ve been here all night. I didn’t want to leave when you were feeling so awful.”

  “You should go, get some sleep.”

  “I will. Let’s see if you can keep any of this down, first.”

  She watches her daughter nibble and sip, a brow raised, one hand on the green plastic biologicals bag—so much better than the old plastic tubs—but it is clear the worst is over. They both sigh in relief.

  The urge to confess is overwhelming.

  “Honey, I have some news.”

  “What’s that?”

  “We think we’ve found him. Your biological father.” Once she starts, she can’t stop. “He’s here in Vail, at the house, actually, with your dad and Aunt Juliet, and Dr. Oliver is going to test him first thing in the morning, and I met him, and I think you’re going to like him, he’s very quiet, and your dad said he was very polite and well-mannered. Oh, and he has a dog. A big dog, really pretty, she’s named Kat. Isn’t that funny, a dog named Kat?”
r />   “Mom, you’re babbling.”

  “Oh, I am, aren’t I?” Lauren pushes her hair off her face. “I’m just excited, honey, and nervous. He seems like a good man.”

  “He could be an ax murderer for all I care if his blood’s a match to mine.”

  “Melinda. How could you say such a thing? And don’t you dare say anything like that to him, do you understand?”

  “Because his wife was murdered?”

  Lauren freezes. “How did you—”

  “You guys are really bad at keeping your voices down. I have my phone.” She shakes it at Lauren. “I looked him up. You’re right, I do look like them. It’s kind of weird, knowing that someone killed her right when I was born.”

  “It’s tragic, sweetie. Such a tragedy.”

  “Are the police going to come talk to me? I was a witness, right? I mean, I know I was, like, ten seconds old and all, but maybe some regression therapy, and I’ll be able to remember my birth.”

  The little idiot grins at her impishly, and Lauren huffs out a breath and shakes her head. “You are impossible, you know that? I don’t know where you hear these things.”

  “Daytime television, Mother dear.”

  Mindy puts out a hand, and Lauren catches it. “Mom. Listen. I may still be upset with you, but you will always be my mother. No matter what. Nothing that happens will change that. I love you and Daddy.”

  Lauren brushes the tears from her cheeks. “Oh, my sweet girl. If only that could be the case.”

  Mindy seems like she wants to ask something more, but Lauren puts a finger on her daughter’s lips.

  “I love you, peanut. I love you very, very much.”

  “I love you, too.” She pauses, then blurts, “Mom, do you have a friend you call V?”

  And Lauren feels the world shift under her feet.

  “V? As in victory? No, I don’t.”

  Mindy nods. “Oh. Okay. Well, if I’m going to meet my biological father—what should we call him, my biodad?—I need to get cleaned up.”