Tear Me Apart

by J. T. Ellison

  What if, what if, what if?

  “Grow a pair,” he says to himself and gets out of the truck.

  54

  The sense that everyone is staring makes Zack uncomfortable, but then he realizes they are looking at the dog, not him, and he relaxes a bit. The doctor, Oliver, is kind and excited, watching his nurse take Zack’s blood sample then writing the label himself.

  “They’re going to messenger this to the lab and get the test done immediately. We’ll know in an hour at most if you’re enough of a match. If you are, we start the process. It’s going to take a couple of days to get everything straight, get Mindy prepped, so you guys will have plenty of time to visit. We’ve had her on a non-myeloablative regimen, so we’d be ready the moment a donor appeared. We’re going to move to an intensive myeloablative regime for the next two days, then, with any luck, transfer the stem cells.” He claps a hand on Zack’s shoulder. “Congratulations, sir. I don’t know what else to say.”

  “Could you say what you just said in English, maybe?”

  “We’re going to nuke all the bad cells to prepare her body to receive the clean ones.”

  “Copy that. I guess I have a lot of catching up to do on the lingo.”

  “Ask Mindy. She understands everything. She’s been studying exactly what happens. That kid is a seriously smart cookie.”

  “How do you get the stem cells?”

  “We’ll hook you up to a machine that pulls out your blood, captures the blood cells we need, then returns your blood to you. The second I see these results are positive, we’ll start you on a drug called Filgrastim. It pumps up your blood cells. Normally it’s a five-day process, but to be frank, I don’t know that we have that long, so we’re going to ramp it up and make it go faster.”

  He pushes up his glasses. “In other words, you’re going to feel like crap for a couple of days, and Mindy will, too.”

  “You have to make her sicker to make her better?”

  “Yes. That’s the problem with these treatments. But, with a specifically coded DNA match, this will go a lot smoother for her than it would from someone who’s a match but completely unrelated. At least, that’s my hope. I have a great partner who’s been making serious strides in this field, from Boston University. He was here and laid out the entire protocol last week. It’s all set and ready to go, including a specific treatment designed for Mindy’s DNA so she doesn’t suffer graft-versus-host disease. We have been planning for this, as you can tell. We want to give her the best possible chance to kick the cancer and go into remission from our first round.”

  “Graft-versus-host—that’s when an organ transplant is rejected, right? It can happen to blood?”

  “Yes, it can. But with this new treatment, it shouldn’t be as high a risk as it might have been with an outside allogeneic donor. You being her father, your DNA is much closer.”

  Juliet sits outside the glass door to the lab, in the waiting room, watching intently while holding Kat. He smiles at her, gives a little wave.

  “Thank you, Dr. Oliver. I appreciate you explaining things to me.”

  “No, thank you, Mr. Armstrong. If you can help me save my favorite patient, I’ll owe you one.”

  They shake hands, and Zack enters the waiting room.

  “All set?” Juliet asks.

  Zack adjusts the bandage around his elbow. “Yeah. Good thing I don’t have to do needles often. That hurt.”

  “You’re a baby. Even Kat thinks so. I swear I saw her shaking her head at the faces you were making.”

  He spits out a laugh. “You are a seriously mouthy woman.”

  She grins, and he realizes again how young she is. “I just like to have fun. Come on. Jasper and Lauren are already in Mindy’s room, waiting for us.”

  Trepidation building in his stomach, Zack takes a close hold of Kat’s lead and lets Juliet steer him down the hallway.

  She knocks on the door, and three faces turn toward them. Zack seeks Mindy’s eyes first. She is staring at him, then ducks her head shyly.

  Juliet nudges him, and though Lauren is pale, she nods encouragingly, so he takes a few steps into the room.

  “Hey there. I’m Zack.”

  Mindy looks up again, and he has a moment where he quite literally feels the world turning on its axis. He’s afraid for a moment he’ll faint again. His daughter—my daughter—says, “Melinda Wright.” Her voice is Vivian’s, and his breath hitches in his chest.

  Lauren stands, takes Jasper’s arm. “We’re going to grab some breakfast, let you two talk. Juliet, would you care to join us?”

  “Heck no, I want to stay here and watch the fireworks.”

  “You’re coming with,” Jasper says, exasperated. “Let’s go.”

  Zack barely hears them. Mindy rolls her eyes at Juliet, her lip quirked on the left side, and he feels something break inside him. My God, she looks like Vivian when she does that.

  The three leave, and they are alone. Mindy doesn’t wait, jumps right in.

  “Can I pet your dog?”

  “Absolutely. Kat?” He gestures toward the bed. The dog pads forward, then gently puts her front legs on the bed and takes a couple of sniffs. Mindy sets her hand on the dog’s neck, waiting for Kat to make the next move. The dog pushes into her hand immediately.

  “You’re a pretty girl, aren’t you?”

  Kat closes her eyes in ecstasy. She loves being scratched around the neck. A low rumble comes from her chest.

  “Good grief, is she purring?”

  “Sounds like it, doesn’t it?” Zack answers, moving closer. “She rumbles like that sometimes when she’s really happy. She was supposed to be a full-blown service dog for military PTSD or autistic kids, but she wasn’t cut out for it, so I took her home with me. She’s a goof.”

  “You’re not a goof. You’re a gorgeous girl. Look at your pretty ears.”

  Kat takes this as an invitation and hops up onto the bed, knocking aside the IV pole with a crash. Zack lunges for it, catches it before the whole apparatus topples.

  Mindy starts to laugh and hugs the dog to her chest. “God, this is the most normal I’ve felt in a month.”

  “It’s been hard on you, the treatment?”

  “That, and being stuck in this stupid cast.” She gestures to the leg in question, still covered by the blanket. “It’s been a real bummer. I’m not used to being still. You look like you’re in shape. What’s your poison?”

  “I run.”

  “Does Kat go with you?”

  “Oh yes. She’s a fan of the park near my house. There’s a copse of woods on the far end, and she’s allowed off the leash there. She tears around like a torpedo, chasing everything that moves.”

  “I’d like to see her run.”

  “We can arrange that. She’s just a streak of black and tan when she gets going.”

  A small silence. He is trying not to stare, but Mindy is so beautiful. Under the paleness and black circles and bald head, he can see vestiges of the girl she was. Please, he prays to an invisible god. Please let me have more time with her.

  He clears his throat. “You like dogs. What else do you like?”

  “Skiing. Obviously. Snow makes me happy. Does it snow where you live?”

  “Nashville? Not very much, though every once in a while, we get walloped. They close school if there’s even a hint of snow in the forecast. Our buses just aren’t equipped.”

  “That’s ridiculous. You teach English, my dad said. Sorry, that was weird. I mean, I know you’re my real dad. But it’s going to take some adjusting to figure all this out, you know? And I’m... I’m sorry about Vivian. My mother.”

  He swallows hard, takes her hand.

  “I don’t want you to waste any energy worrying about this, Mindy. You have a battle ahead, and I want you to focus on that. We can sort out who
I am to you after you kick the cancer’s ass, okay?”

  She smiles wider this time. “Oh, thank God. Mom and Dad, sorry, and even Juliet, they can’t bring themselves to talk about it. Like uttering the words will make something happen. Yes, it’s going to be a nasty few days, but you’re here now, and it’s all going to be okay. I can feel it. I’m intuitive that way.”

  “I like your attitude. Yes, I teach English. I like to help young men and women find their voices. I’ve had a couple of students go on to become novelists. It’s very gratifying.”

  “Do you like to read? ’Cause that’s the other thing I love.”

  “I do. I saw your bookshelves. You have good taste.”

  The smile is so genuine, so open, that he can’t help himself. “Can I hug you?” he blurts.

  She thinks about it for a second, her gnomish forehead wrinkling. “Yes. I think that would be appropriate, considering you’ve been looking for me for almost eighteen years. Just watch the IV, it gets in the way. Mom’s always yanking the tubing out of the machine by accident.”

  He carefully sits on the edge of the bed, reaches over Kat, and gathers Mindy in his arms. Despite her height, she is so tiny, and smells like the hospital, and medicine, and oddly enough, the flowery scent he often catches in the woods behind his house. The feelings he has are utterly confusing, strong and intense. He wants to cry and shout for joy at the same time. Her arms slip around his neck, thin but strong, and he closes his eyes and finally, finally, begins to weep.

  She holds him, patting him on the back and whispering, not at all put out by the large grown man weeping into her shoulder. He finally calms himself, and pulls back, wiping his eyes. Kat is nestled between them, and Mindy’s eyes are shining, too.

  “I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this,” she says. “It must be incredibly difficult to find me after all these years and to have lost your wife, too. I really am sorry. I would have liked to meet her.”

  He watches her for a moment, those eyes of his looking back, the feminine face, the chin so like Vivian’s. “You’re amazing, do you know that?”

  The grin turns wicked. “You should see me ski.”

  55

  Lauren stares at the small biscuit on her plate as if all the answers will come from breaking the piece of soft bread wide open. Next to her, Jasper fiddles with a straw, folding it around his finger then unrolling it, over and over. Juliet babbles, as she usually does, talking about the police investigation to come, and how she likes the detectives from Nashville, and what steps they should take next. Jasper nods and answers a few times, but Lauren doesn’t hear, not really. She is consumed with thoughts of her daughter, her Mindy, upstairs, alone with the man who helped create her.

  And...her daughter’s innocent question that feels less and less innocent as the minutes tick by.

  V.

  Shit.

  Mindy knows. She found the letters, and she knows.

  This is all going south, she can feel it. Everything is wrong. She should be happy there is a chance for a match, a chance to save her daughter, but instead, she feels exposed. Like every bad decision she’s made in her life is about to be revealed.

  “Lauren, have you heard a word I said?”

  Juliet is staring at her, head cocked like a dog, brows raised in question.

  “Sorry, no. What was that?”

  “We’re going to have to get a formal statement from you about the conversations you had with Castillo. Plus, I need to see your paperwork.”

  “There is no paperwork! I don’t even have the birth certificate she gave me.”

  “Why not?”

  “When Jasper adopted Mindy, we had it changed. There may be some record of that in the Colorado databases. I turned the old certificate in to them. They made me.”

  “Was Kyle Noonan listed on the original birth certificate as Mindy’s father?”

  “Of course. That was part of the fiction Castillo created, that he was the father. That’s why I wanted Jasper’s name on there. That asshole was never part of our lives. Thank God he died before I brought Mindy home.”

  “In Mexico.”

  “Baja. A diving accident. You already know all of this.”

  “I do. But once the police start asking questions, they’re going to push for every detail. I’m trying to help you remember.”

  “Juliet, I think that’s enough for now,” Jasper says quietly. “It’s a difficult enough day without dredging up bad memories from the past. Can we give it a rest, and eat our breakfast, please?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. We need to focus on Mindy and the transplant, and her reaction to Zack.”

  “Yes, we do, and speaking of that, I’d like to go back up now. They’ve been alone for nearly an hour.” Lauren hears the edge in her tone, can’t help it. She drops the uneaten biscuit on the tray and stands. Jasper puts down his straw and stands as well, gathering the two trays together. Juliet watches them, a small frown on her face.

  “Are you coming?” Lauren asks.

  “I’ll be there in a minute. I need to make a couple of phone calls.”

  Lauren puts her hand on her sister’s shoulder. “We’ll see you up there. And, Juliet, I do appreciate you finding Zack. I do. It’s just hard to know things will never be the same again.”

  * * *

  They are laughing. Lauren can hear them from three doors away, both of them cawing, their laughs weirdly similar, brash and unforced. Jasper hears it too, and she sees his brow furrow. She stops and pulls him to her. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers into his chest. “This was never supposed to happen.”

  He lets her hug him, though she notices he doesn’t hug her back. Oh, he puts his arms around her and rests his chin on her head, but that’s it, no squeezing, no holding on for dear life, like she’s doing. It is a polite hug, nothing more.

  “I know, Lauren. This is hard on all of us, so don’t try to corner the market on feeling bad, okay?”

  She pulls back. “Wow. That’s awfully harsh.”

  “I’m not in a forgiving mood.”

  “Don’t take it out on me. I’m trying to hold this family together.”

  “Our lives have been turned upside down, Lauren, all because you chose to hide the truth from me. I’m not feeling charitable about it. Sue me.”

  “Sue you? What sort of flippant remark is that?”

  “The kind you get for lying about things for so long. You don’t seem to understand how this is going to affect us. How the police investigation is going to tear our lives apart, how the media are going to want to interview us. We’re not just the parents of a missing child. Her mother was murdered. Mindy doesn’t even belong to us. Technically, we have no legal rights to her. Did you ever stop to think of that?”

  “We don’t know that, we don’t know—”

  “I’ve done some research. Zack can walk out of here with her today, and a judge will take his side. It will be like our family, and the past seventeen years, never existed. Until they start investigating us for her kidnapping. You’ve read the reports on this. You know what happened to his wife. You are the one who got us into this, Lauren. I don’t know how you’re going to get us out of it, so I’m going to have to find a path for us. This is hard enough on me without you being temperamental, so please just knock it off.”

  “I’m being temperamental? Me?”

  “Yes, you!” They are yelling at each other now. Nurses are turning; the hallways are silent.

  “You’re being a complete and total ass, Jasper Wright. I can’t believe you’d say that to me. All I’ve done is try to make things easier on our little girl, and you say I’m being a jerk? Go, just go. I don’t want to see you anymore.”

  Zack is standing in the doorway now. Jasper sees him, gives his wife a satisfied now? look, then storms off. Juliet comes o
ut of the elevator, and he brushes past her like a bullet.

  Lauren fights back the tears. “I’m so sorry,” she says to the nearest nurse. “We don’t mean to disturb everyone. The pressure...it’s getting to us both.”

  It is Zack who comes to her side and puts his arm around her. “Come with me,” he says quietly and leads her down the hall to the private room, right past Juliet, who looks at them both in astonishment.

  56

  Inside the quiet room, Lauren sags against Zack and starts to cry in earnest. He holds her, lets her get it out. It feels like the kindest thing anyone has done for her in weeks, and it makes the tears come anew until she is sobbing.

  After a while, she realizes he is patting her back, murmuring to her as if she were a child who’s had a nightmare. She is having a nightmare. Her life has turned into one big, huge fucking nightmare.

  “Hey, it’s okay. You poor thing, you’re worn out, aren’t you? You’ve gotten no sleep. Mindy told me how you’ve been nursing her practically full-time since the accident. Why don’t you go home, Lauren? Get some decent rest.”

  She pulls away from him stiffly. “Why, because you’re here now? You’re riding in on your white stallion to save us all?”

  “I’m going to try,” he says, and the quiet strength of it makes her feel even worse. Zack is a victim here, just as she is.

  She doesn’t want this man to be so solicitous. He isn’t supposed to be the one comforting her, damn it.

  But here he is, big and solid and concerned, where her own husband has stormed off. She and Jasper were overdue for the fight. Jasper has been ridiculously patient, and she’s taken advantage of that, kicking the can down the road so she won’t have to deal with the bad feelings, the hurt and betrayal. Having Zack here so quickly messed with everything, in ways no one can truly understand. But she needs everyone on her side. She needs her team together if they are going to face down a police investigation and a stem cell transplant at the same time.

  She wipes her eyes and pushes her hair off her face.