Hatsukoi

by Hildred Billings

  Her reprieve from this odd display came with the next act, a single young woman wearing a long red dress who sang old enka songs set to poppier music. Not as many men stood up for her, but plenty of applause erupted after every song. A man in front of Aiko commented to his friends that he loved the singer’s “rugged innocence.”

  Aiko hoped the show would be over before she threw up.

  When the final applause for the updated-enka singer died and the curtain came down, Aiko thought about the possibility of Shizuka and Reina’s group having the same kind of creepy followers. Could she handle a bunch of men in business suits and T-shirts doing obnoxious dance moves while her cousin and lover attempted to work? No wonder neither of them talk about their jobs. The mere thought of standing on that stage, singing like a chipmunk and shaking her rear, made Aiko’s sympathy create a shield around herself. Now she knew why few women were in the theater.

  An announcement came introducing the next act, MARS. Aiko sat up in her seat and put a cap on so nobody on stage would recognize her. If her presence threw Shizuka off, she would complain about it forever; if Reina found out, she would probably never speak to Aiko again.

  The curtain rose on a dark stage swarmed with four shadows. The moment before the music cued, two men started cheering in the front row, followed by a wave of hands with fans lifting into the air. Tossing his leftover peanuts on the ground, the man in the business suit also stood with his hand up. Oh God, not this uncle!

  Dance beats erupted throughout the theater, to the cheers and excitement of all the men around Aiko. She had to stand to see the stage: spotlights poured onto the four figures, the one marching up front and catching every man’s attention belonging to Anna, the blond American. Her white disco dress glittered in the light and her hair shone like a badly made wig, but her voice as she sang was low and powerful. She rarely cracked a smile on her stoic face.

  Aiko’s nerves fluttered when the woman spinning from behind Anna turned out to be Reina, in her drab blue dress that turned out not-so-drab when drenched in a hundred lights. Her voice picked up where Anna’s left off, stunning Aiko. She knew Reina’s speaking voice was low, but it often sounded forced, making the sudden tenor bellowing into the hall a complete surprise to Aiko’s senses.

  She was disappointed when Shizuka and Michiko never sang more than the backing vocals during the choruses, but their kind faces and smooth dance movements balanced out the harsh demeanors coming from Reina and Anna. Every time one of the performers had a moment to either sing or dance by herself, a torrent of men whipped themselves into a fury chanting names and count offs. The businessman next to Aiko shouted Reina’s name above the crowd when she had a last solo – Aiko almost had the gall to tell him, “Sit down and shut up, because I’m the one sleeping with her!” He’d never believe me.

  After three non-stop dance songs featuring four women strutting around a stage while singing about “burning nights” full of “fuck off romance,” the group took a final bow and escaped off stage before an avalanche of letters and plastic flowers fell on them. The men in the audience chanted for an encore, but the curtain came down and the announcer mentioned the next and final act: a girl wearing a dress decorated in candy and sneaking views of her panties whenever she pivoted on her schoolgirl heels.

  Aiko thanked any deities roaming the sky when it was all over. She took off her cap and ran out of the theater as fast as her feet would allow, for the stank of man sweat was fast encroaching.

  However, she did not go home.

  She passed into the alley beside the theater and tiptoed to the staff door, the same one she hung around whenever visiting Shizuka. Before she could step inside, however, the duo from the first act spilled out wearing sweats and bemoaning the cold weather…with deep voices. A second glance confirmed the girls Aiko originally thought were middle schoolers were probably in their late teens, at the youngest.

  Aiko entered just in time to see Anna stalking Michiko, chastising her in English about missing Saturday’s show. The two of them continued their one-sided argument in another room – Aiko didn’t see Shizuka or anyone else aside from a couple stage hands pushing brooms.

  Except for Reina, of course, who sat at her dresser, removing her make-up.

  “Hey!” Aiko scuttled across the room and stood beside the dresser. “How are you? Long time no chat.” A whole week, at least.

  Reina dropped her hairbrush and whipped her head around; her dark eyes lit in surprise. “What are you doing here? Come to see your cousin? She’s off somewhere else.”

  Aiko kept a respectful distance from Reina. A whole week since I last talked to her! Longer since we were last together! The weekend she spent at Reina’s house…the best weekend of her life.

  “Well, I came to see you, too,” she said.

  A tissue fell off the dresser and landed at Reina’s foot. “Here I am.” She bent down to pick it up. “See me.”

  Tongue sloshing against her chapped lips, Aiko tightened up and watched Reina dab her eyelids with a clean tissue. “Oh, I see you, for sure.” How brazen!

  “Huh?” Reina snorted in amusement. “When did you get so naughty? I like it.”

  Aiko continued to grin like an idiot. “I got naughty last weekend.”

  Slowly, Reina lowered her make-up removers, as if Aiko had just told her some shocking news. “I guess you did.” She leaned back in her chair and stretched her arms above her, the lining of her dress tugging against its seams. “Sorry I haven’t called you lately. I’ve been busy.”

  “Oh, I know, Shizuka told me about your extra shows recently. Don’t worry. I didn’t think you were avoiding me.”

  “So busy,” Reina reiterated. “And now here you are after my show.”

  “Actually, I came to see your show today.”

  “No way! Don’t tell me you sat through that awful shit! I’m so embarrassed now.”

  Aiko searched the room to make sure nobody watched them. “I thought you were a powerful singer. I was surprised by the maturity of your show.”

  “Ha, especially compared to the other shit, right?” Reina swerved her stool around and leaned against the dresser, her arms crossing while a hand patted her knee.

  Craning her head around once more, Aiko assured herself nobody cared about what went on in the far corner of the muted room. She eked closer to Reina and sat on her lap; a hand wrapped around her waist. Aiko expected somebody to waltz over at any moment.

  “I thought the other shows were…interesting.” She adjusted herself so her legs straddled Reina’s. “Not really my sort of thing, but interesting.”

  “They’re pervert fodder.” She says it so casually! “These creepy pervs come to see girls dress up in ridiculous costumes and prance around like sex objects. Nobody talks about it, but it’s true. When I started here I didn’t know, but I threw such a stink when I found out and threatened to quit with Mi-chan. That’s when our manager came up with the more ‘mature’ woman theme for our group to make us happy.” Reina rubbed Aiko’s back. “You prefer mature women, right?”

  “Of course.”

  “Anyway, somehow we became popular, especially with certain types of men who I think are masochistic. But whatever. I don’t have to actually talk to or touch them.” Her nails dug into Aiko. “I’m sorry I haven’t called you. My mind’s been elsewhere.”

  Reina’s voice dipped into a sad tone, moping like a teenager with nothing to mope about. Aiko’s heart stilled. “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “You can tell me.”

  “Really? Maybe it will upset you to hear.”

  “No it won’t.” Aiko had to tell herself it wouldn’t. Besides, what could it be?

  Another heavy breath eased out of Reina before she continued. “I was rejected by a lover this weekend, and it stung a lot.”

  It stung Aiko, too. She held a hand against her chest, trying to not let her shock show through her face. While she was aware Reina had other lovers, it
didn’t mean she wanted to hear all about them. “Why would somebody reject you?” Aiko asked. “I thought you could have anyone you wanted.”

  “Not always. Nobody is really like that.”

  The hand stopped rubbing Aiko’s back. “But who? If you don’t mind me asking.” Even I can’t reject you.

  “Mi-chan.”

  She wanted to pretend she never heard the answer, but it clamored inside her head and led to images of Reina and Michiko entwined with one another in the love hotel Aiko always visited. She asked Michiko to be her girlfriend. How close had Aiko come to being nothing but an extraneous lover?

  “She said she’s looking for her dead girlfriend. Or something. And she’s moving back to America this spring.”

  The sadness in Reina’s voice prompted Aiko to turn around and put a hand on a warm cheek. “I’m sorry.” She didn’t know how sorry she actually was. “Are you two still friends?”

  Reina shrugged. “I guess. I don’t know. We didn’t speak much today.”

  “I hope you two are okay. She’s your best friend, right?”

  “Apparently,” Reina mumbled. “Come here and give me a kiss so I’ll feel better.”

  “What if somebody sees us?” Even in the shadows of the corner, Aiko was sure every eye would be on them the moment they started swapping saliva.

  “No way, nobody cares. People make out back here all the time. My manager knows I’m gay, so whatever.”

  “He knows? And is okay with it?”

  Reina brought Aiko’s head down for that sought after kiss. “He just cares that I don’t get pregnant.”

  An odd statement to kiss on, but Aiko supposed it was true. As their lips met, she reveled in the idea of becoming Reina’s girlfriend, the one who got to kiss her first every day. I wouldn’t reject her. Reina came with her own sort of lifestyle baggage, but none of it was awful enough to make Aiko not even want to try a healthy relationship together.

  However, she discounted her own family.

  “Nani kore?” Shizuka’s angry voice zapped across the room, followed by her thumping footsteps. “Aiko! Reina!”

  Aiko scrambled off Reina’s lap like a puppy caught in the garbage. By the time she straightened herself, Shizuka was upon them, hand reaching to slap Reina.

  “You fucking creep!” The sick sound of skin on skin echoed in the room. Reina hunched over, hand on her cheek, while Shizuka continued to shout at her above. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? That’s my god damned cousin, you pervert!”

  “Shi-chan!” Aiko lunged forward and held Shizuka’s arm back.

  “Stand back!”

  “No!” They danced together as Aiko fought to keep Shizuka away from Reina. “It’s okay! I kissed her! Don’t hurt her! She didn’t do anything!”

  Shizuka glared at Aiko with the power of a thousand angry deities. “Do you know what you’re doing? My god!”

  “Yes, I do.”

  Aiko’s rational voice managed to calm Shizuka long enough to let Reina stand up and fortify herself in the far corner of the room. She kept one hand on her cheek, her eyes never once leaving Shizuka’s.

  She dropped her arm and wagged a finger beneath Aiko’s nose. “Don’t tell me this has been going on for a while.”

  “I’m an adult. If I want to date Reina, I can.”

  Shizuka spun and spat another wave of vitriol in Reina’s direction. “What have you done to her? Keep your disgusting hands off her!”

  “We haven’t done anything bad,” Aiko reassured her. “Please, leave her alone!” She looked to Reina, hoping she would come to either of their defense.

  Instead, Reina stood in her corner, frowning.

  “What’s all the yelling for?” Michiko trotted to the fray, her eyes searching between the three of them and calculating the vehemence in Shizuka. “Is there a problem?”

  Shizuka whipped around, Aiko still hanging onto her arm. “Yeah, there’s a problem. Your friend is messing around with my cousin.”

  Michiko remained nonplussed. “Reina wouldn’t be with somebody who didn’t want to be with her.”

  The impasse following almost gave Aiko a heart attack: Shizuka’s scrunched face and twisted brows burrowed into Michiko’s calm and cool façade. Shizuka forfeited their battle of the minds by grabbing Aiko with one hand and her own jacket with the other.

  “We’re leaving.” Shizuka yanked on Aiko’s arm so hard a small pop came from one of her joints. “It stinks like dyke in here.”

  Aiko barely had time to look over her shoulder at Michiko and Reina, the former creating a barrier while the latter refused to move from her spot. The next thing Aiko knew, the bite of the outdoors hit her, and Shizuka continued to haul her down the alleyway.

  “Shi-chan!” Aiko struggled to get out of her cousin’s grasp as they floundered with every step. “Stop it! You’re overreacting!”

  Soon Shizuka was in Aiko’s face, her hot breath fuming against icy cheeks. “I’m not going to let that pervert get to you. It was a mistake for you to keep coming around here. I’m taking you home.”

  Before she could turn around and resume her march toward the station, Aiko shook free of Shizuka’s clutches. “Enough! I know who she is! I know who I am!”

  “And who the hell are you?”

  “I’m…” Aiko squared her shoulders. She could hear the words flowing through her head, but saying them was another matter. Nobody knows yet, except for Reina. The thought of her getting slapped again brought tears. She had to say it. “I’m a lesbian.”

  Expecting Shizuka to yell at her again, Aiko was surprised to see her cousin chuckle softly and then laugh out loud as if her cousin were some great comedienne. “From one kiss! That’s ridiculous.”

  “No, not just a kiss. I’ve been dating Reina for over a month now. We’re lovers.”

  Finally, Aiko could hear and feel the still of the night. Trucks and motorbikes sputtered a few roads away, but the air was tranquil and the sky clear. Shizuka craned her head back and counted the stars above. Aiko wondered if her cousin would ever speak again.

  “She never made me do anything I didn’t want to. She’s a good person.”

  Shizuka leveled her head. What’s she thinking? What’s she gonna do? A thousand images relayed themselves, each one more fantastical than the last.

  “You’re just confused, Ai-chan.”

  “No! Well, yes. In the beginning.” Aiko stepped forward. “I couldn’t understand my feelings, but I do now. I am a lesbian. I’m gay. And that’s not Reina’s fault so don’t blame her.”

  “Then who do I blame?”

  “Please, don’t blame anybody.”

  “Ai-chan.” Shizuka met her halfway and put a gentle hand on her shoulder. She stood a few centimeters taller, especially in her boots. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I want to have relationships with women. Please don’t think less of me.”

  They hugged. Aiko rubbed her cold face into Shizuka’s sweater and fought back her tears. “I don’t think less of you,” Shizuka said. “I just worry about you.”

  “Well, don’t. I’m an adult.” Even though it doesn’t feel like it.

  “I guess I don’t care if you’re gay.” They parted, Shizuka keeping both hands on Aiko’s shoulders. “That’s your own business. But stay away from Reina. You can do much better than her.”

  Aiko remained standing in place as Shizuka turned and began to trudge down the alley. “Why? What’s wrong with Reina?”

  Shizuka stopped. “Because she’s a selfish whore who doesn’t care about your feelings.”

  Not a single response sufficed to that. Aiko followed her cousin to the train station in silence.

  They took a train in silence.

  They reached Aiko’s station in silence.

  Aiko disembarked in silence.

  She waved at Shizuka through the window as the train pulled away from the platform. The entire walk home was filled with a mixture of relief and anxiety: relief from coming out
to Shizuka successfully, and anxiety from wondering what would happen with Reina in the future.

  “She’s a selfish whore.”

  Aiko shivered all the way home, her cousin’s words pounding into her head. As she reached her gate she contemplated how true that statement was. Reina was a little selfish, but nothing she couldn’t handle. And Reina did have various lovers with whom she had a robust sex life. Before, Aiko didn’t care about either one. Now she wondered if that was her naiveté ruling her brain.

  After saying hello and goodnight to her mother and father, Aiko went to her room and holed herself up in bed without changing her clothes. What should have been a lovely day watching her cousin and lover perform turned into an ugly affair. I want to talk to Reina. She hoped she was all right.

  Somewhere, somebody must have listened to Aiko. The phone rang in the distance, but she remained curled in her comforter as if it were a cocoon. I want Reina.

  “Ai-chan.” Junko’s voice floated outside the door. “Phone.”

  She slithered out of bed and followed her mother downstairs. Aiko picked up the phone in the cold hallway, teeth chattering and fingers numbing. “Hello?”

  “Aiko.”

  Reina. Reina’s beautiful if not tired voice. Aiko stood up straight, the energy returning to her body. “Are you okay? Did she hurt you bad?”

  Static played with the line, muffling parts of Reina’s jarring voice. “I’m fine. Nothing hurts. Are you okay? Is your family…”

  Aiko didn’t know what Reina wanted to say. “I’m fine. My family…” she lowered her voice, “doesn’t know. I don’t think Shi-chan will tell anyone. She eventually came around to the idea of me being you know.”

  Another strange pause. “Gay?”

  “Yes. She said she didn’t think any less of me.” Aiko refrained from telling Reina the rest. “When can we meet again? I want to see you.”