Salmonella Men on Planet Porno (Vintage Contemporaries)

by Yasutaka Tsutsui

  “Hello?”

  “Hello, yes? What can I do for you?” said an old woman’s voice at the other end.

  I’d been told that the village headman’s wife operated the telephone exchange. The village headman himself was at least seventy. So the woman on the other end must have been his wife.

  I took care to speak politely. “I’m sorry to trouble you, but may I make a call to the mainland?”

  “The mainland, you say? Oh! Yes, the mainland.” For some reason, she sounded quite thrilled. “Yes, of course. What number?”

  Reading from the receipt slip, I repeated the number of the Daitsu City Branch to the stupid woman several times.

  “Oh yes, yes, I’ve got it now,” she said in great excitement. “Please replace your receiver and wait for me to call.”

  I waited in a state of mounting irritation for about fifteen minutes, until the phone finally rang.

  “Hello? Yes. Well, at last we have a connection,” the old woman said cheerfully.

  “Daitsu.” The girl’s voice sounded awfully distant.

  “Yes, hello? My name’s Suda. I gave you a trunk to ship on the 6th, but it hasn’t arrived yet.”

  “One moment. I’ll put you through to the Dispatch Office.”

  Next, a young man spoke. He sounded even more distant. “Hello?”

  “Hello?”

  “Er, hello? We have a bad line here. Hello?”

  “Hello? Yes, my name’s Suda. I gave you a trunk to ship on the 6th, but it hasn’t arrived yet.”

  “Ah. Hold the line. I’ll put you through to the Duty Clerk.”

  Next, a middle-aged man spoke. I repeated the same thing to him.

  “Really. Well, I’ll look into it,” said the man, as if it were too much for him. He obviously had no desire to look into it at all.

  “Will you look into it now, please?”

  “What, now?” the man said in a sullen tone, followed by silence.

  “It contains something important that’s urgently needed. Actually, it’s medicine. Without the medicine, someone could die.”

  “Really. Just a minute.” He seemed to be looking, albeit reluctantly. “Er, what was the name again?”

  “Suda.”

  “Shudder?”

  “No, Suda.”

  “No shudder?”

  “Er, Suda.”

  “Er shudder?”

  “S for Sparrow. U for Unicorn. D for Donkey. A for Ant.”

  “…Eh?”

  “S for Sparrow—”

  “Mr Sparrow?”

  “S for Sparrow. U for Unicorn—”

  “Mr Uniform?”

  “SUDA. The name is Suda. Suda.”

  “Mr Suda?”

  “Yeeessss. That’s right.”

  “Oh yeah. Here it is. Item received on the 6th. One trunk, was it.”

  “That’s the one. That’s the one!”

  “Sent to… how do you read that?”

  “Pomegranate Island.”

  “Yeah, Pomegranate Island. Well, yeah, it’s already been sent.”

  “…What?”

  “We’ve already sent it out.”

  “Hello? Hello?”

  “Yeah. Hello.”

  “I’m actually calling from Pomegranate Island now.”

  “Really.” He wasn’t even slightly impressed.

  “And it hasn’t arrived yet.”

  “That’s funny. It should have done.”

  “Yes.”

  “It should be there by tomorrow.”

  “That’s what I’ve been thinking for the last two days.”

  “But it’ll arrive by tomorrow. No problem.”

  “And what will you do if it doesn’t?”

  “What do you want me to do?” He was laughing.

  “Couldn’t you trace it for me?”

  “Trace what?”

  I was beginning to lose my patience. “I would like you to trace the whereabouts of my trunk.”

  “Well, once we’ve sent it out, it can’t be traced.”

  “Surely it can. You must know the shipment route. Could you please telephone and check.”

  “Could who please telephone and check?”

  I snapped, momentarily. “You, of course! No, not necessarily you. It doesn’t matter who. Could someone please look into it?”

  “Well, no, actually. We’re very busy with other shipments here.”

  “I’m busy too! That trunk is important to me!”

  He laughed again. “And our shipments are important to us.”

  “It’s a matter of life and death!”

  “Really.” He thought I was exaggerating, of course.

  “Hello?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Would you mind telling me your name.”

  “Murai,” he answered grudgingly.

  “Well, Mr Murai,” I said in a tone of authority, “could you please check out all the points along the route. I’ll call you back later.”

  “All right then. Yeah, OK, I’ll check them out. It must be serious if it’s a matter of life and death, eh?” He suppressed a laugh.

  I slammed down the receiver in great annoyance. “Jesus. How rude can they get.”

  “What’s the matter?” asked my wife next to me.

  “The Daitsu people. Their attitude is abysmal. As if it’s more than their job’s worth! Who the hell do they think they are?!”

  “What do you expect? They are the best in the country. And I hear the recruitment exams are really hard. They only hire people from top universities, you know.” She cast me a sharp sideways glance. “They’re the élite.”

  Her sarcastic tone made me all the more annoyed. “And that gives them the right to be arrogant, does it?”

  “Well, yes. They’re not bothered about a piffling little trunk. They specialize in hauling heavy machinery, construction equipment, that kind of thing. Their main business is delivering steel girders in the right order when a railway bridge is being built. Mobility, that’s what they’re all about. So it’s no wonder they pooh-pooh our insignificant household effects.”

  “If you knew that, why the hell did you use them?”

  “Oh come on. Who else is going to transport a paltry trunk to the middle of nowhere?” she asked with a derisive smile.

  “They’ve got a monopoly?”

  “Correct.”

  “Damn them!” I brought my fist down on the table. And my heart started to palpitate immediately. I quickly took out the medicine bottle and swallowed two tablets. Only three left now.

  For a few minutes, my wife seemed lost in thought. Then she looked up at me. “Maybe they’ve deliberately delayed the trunk, out of spite.”

  “W-why?” I stared at her. “Do you know something I don’t?”

  She answered with a serious expression, as if to stoke my anxiety. “Well, I had a bit of a set-to with the Daitsu driver. He came on his own to pick up the trunk, and asked me to help him carry it. I said why didn’t you bring someone with you, carry it on your own, that’s your job. Then he gave me a really nasty look.”

  “What was his name?”

  “It should be on the receipt,” she said with a smirk.

  There was no Daitsu delivery the next day either. I went to the ferry landing stage with my wife. The only thing to come off the boat was a group of five students who’d come to the island on holiday. They were all male. My wife immediately started chatting to them as if she’d known them all her life.

  She said she wanted to buy something at the local Co-op, so I went back to the observation point on my own. Our son, who’d been having his midday nap, woke up and started howling. I managed to get him back to sleep, then phoned Daitsu. It took half an hour for Murai, the one I’d spoken to the previous day, to come to the phone.

  “Yep.”

  “It’s Mr Suda on Pomegranate Island. We spoke yesterday?”

  “Right.”

  “The trunk still hasn’t arrived.”

  “That’s funny.
It should have done.”

  “Of course, you did look into it, didn’t you.”

  “Well, yes. Your trunk should eventually arrive at the Shimizu Branch. You could phone to see if it’s there yet.”

  “For goodness’ sake! That’s what I wanted you to do! Never mind. I don’t know why I should do it, but I’ll call them. I haven’t got time to mess about. Would you let me have the number.” I wrote down the number he gave me. “By the way, Mr Murai. I understand my wife had a little misunderstanding with the driver who came to pick up the trunk. It’s possible he might have deliberately held the trunk back, out of spite.”

  “No, no, that’s not possible!” He laughed.

  “I assure you, it is possible. Would you please check it out. And I’ll contact the Shimizu Branch.”

  Murai replied with exaggerated courtesy. “Yes, sir. I’ll be sure to check it out.” Of course he would do no such thing.

  I replaced the receiver, and had just asked the village headman’s wife to connect me to the Shimizu Branch when my wife came home.

  “Still on the phone? That’ll cost a packet.”

  “Who cares? I’ll charge it to the company.” That gave me an idea. “How did you settle the bill with Daitsu? Payment on arrival?”

  “Uh-uh. In advance.”

  “You should have made it payment on arrival. I could have used that as a bargaining tool.”

  “Don’t be childish. They don’t give two hoots about the payment, do they?!”

  “Do you have to keep saying things like that?”

  She seemed to have a spring in her step.

  I was put through to the Shimizu Branch.

  “Yes, hello, this is Mr Suda speaking from Pomegranate Island. Has a trunk arrived for me yet?”

  The voice on the other end was gravelly, like a fisherman’s. “Hold on a sec. I’ll have a look.” Five minutes later, he returned to the telephone and continued in his gravelly voice: “No, nothing’s arrived.” At least the provincial employees were a little more polite.

  “I had it sent from the City Branch, you see. They say it should be there by now.”

  “Well, if it hasn’t arrived, it hasn’t arrived. We have to deliver everything as soon as it comes in, otherwise we’d be overrun with parcels. We deliver ’em as soon as they come in. So we aren’t going to keep anything back, are we.”

  “No, I suppose not.”

  The man with the gravelly voice hung up abruptly. There was little doubt that the trunk hadn’t arrived.

  I was waiting to be connected to the City Branch for the third time, when my wife emerged from the back room in skimpy swimwear.

  “Why are you dressed like that, at your age?” I asked. “Are you going swimming on your own?”

  “Uh-uh. Those students who arrived today are camping down by the beach. They invited me over, so I said I’d go.”

  “No way!” I shouted. “You’re not cavorting around half-naked with a group of young men when your husband’s facing a life-or-death crisis!”

  “Oh dear. I do believe you’re jealous.”

  “I’m not jealous! It’s simply that distrust between partners or suspicions of infidelity are the very worst things for my condition. You’re not to go!”

  “As I thought. You’re jealous,” she laughed. “You drag me to this hellish island, then have the nerve to tell me what to do and what not to do? Take a running jump!”

  “If you must go, take the child.”

  “Certainly not! He’d show me up,” she said on her way out.

  My whole body was shaking with rage, when my call came through.

  Murai came to the phone, so I let rip at him. “The Shimizu Branch say the trunk hasn’t arrived. Where the hell is it?!”

  “Really. That is worrying,” he said in a wholly unworried voice. “Of course, it might be better if we knew whether it went by rail or road. If it went by rail, it would arrive at the Yabuki Branch. If by road, it would go to the Itagaki Branch. I know! Why don’t you try calling the arrivals desk at Itagaki? If they haven’t got it, it must have gone by rail, so it could be at Yabuki. Er, the phone number of the Itagaki Branch is—”

  “Isn’t that your job?!” I roared. “Take some responsibility, for Christ’s sake!”

  “No need to shout. Hahaha!”

  “It’s not funny! If you don’t search for my trunk, I’ll ask the police to investigate it!”

  “Really. But it’s bound to be somewhere on the way, isn’t it.”

  “And I’m asking you to find out where!”

  “Hello?” Suddenly, the coarse voice of the village headman’s wife interrupted our call. “I’m sorry, but are you going to be on the line much longer? I’ve quite a few other people wanting to make calls.”

  “Shut up! I’m still talking!” I yelled.

  “I wonder, could you please be brief?”

  I could hear Murai laughing.

  “Shut up! SHUT UP!” I screamed at the top of my voice. “I’m still talking, I said! I’m still talking! I’m still toh-toh-toh-toh—” I suddenly found it hard to breathe, and clutched my chest.

  “Is something the matter?” the old woman asked nervously. “Hello? Is something the matter?”

  I replaced the receiver and hurriedly looked for my medicine bottle. I had stopped breathing altogether. My eyes were bulging, my body was twisted and bent backwards. I opened the medicine bottle with shaking hands and swallowed down the last three tablets without water.

  “My medicine’s run out,” I complained to my wife in a tearful voice that night. “What am I to do? I told the man at Daitsu that I’d get the police to investigate it, but he didn’t seem to care!”

  “Well, he wouldn’t, would he,” she replied, sniggering. “After all, they’re corrupt from the top down in that company.”

  “Yes…” I remembered an incident from some years back.

  She wanted it again that night. In fact, she seemed more aroused than usual. Probably because she’d been flirting with those young students.

  “No, no, no,” I cried. “I’ve no medicine left. What would happen if I had an attack? I would surely die.”

  “All right then!” she shrieked hysterically. “Because tomorrow, I’m going to be unfaithful with one of those sweet boys!”

  “Why do you torment me by saying things like that?” I pleaded in falsetto. “Don’t say such things, please! You should know that sexual activity is bad for people with heart disease. Are you trying to kill me?!”

  “I’m saying you don’t have to do it!”

  “But then you’ll go and do it with someone else!”

  “Huh. Not much of a man, are you.”

  “All right. If that’s what you’re saying, I’ll do it for you.” I put my hand on her.

  She pushed my hand away. “You don’t have to feel obliged.”

  “I don’t feel obliged. I really want to make love to you. Honestly.” More or less ready to die, I forced myself to embrace her.

  Perhaps because it had been such a long time, I was finished in no time at all.

  “What?! Is that it?!” my wife said in obvious dissatisfaction. “You deliberately finished quickly to protect your heart. I can’t stand this any longer. I’m going to be unfaithful tomorrow. I’ll have it off with all five of them, that’ll show you!”

  “Please don’t! Please don’t!” I pulled the sheets over my head and sobbed in sheer misery. My heart was already starting to palpitate after all that strenuous exercise and aggravation. I couldn’t even shout at my wife as I would usually have done. “I think I’m going to die. I’m dying. I think I’m dying. Yes, I’m dying.”

  The trunk still hadn’t arrived by the next day. Work was out of the question.

  I telephoned Murai at the City Branch again. “It’s Mr Suda from Pomegranate Island.”

  “Well, hello! Hahaha. Has your trunk arrived, then?”

  “Of course not. That’s why I’m calling you.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, of cou
rse.”

  “My medicine has at last run out.”

  “Medicine? What medicine?”

  “The medicine for my heart problem.”

  “Really.”

  “The next time I have an attack, there won’t be any medicine.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Do you know where my trunk is?”

  “No. I don’t.”

  “Did you try to find out?”

  “Really.”

  “Did you try to find out?”

  “Find out what?”

  “Where the trunk has gone.”

  “Who?”

  I gave a great sigh. “All right, I’ll do it. Please give me the numbers of the Yabuki and Itagaki Branches.”

  I wrote the numbers down and phoned both branches. Neither of them had my trunk.

  I asked for another long-distance call, this time to the Kawashita Clinic.

  A nurse answered. “Kawashita Clinic?”

  “Hello, my name’s Suda. I’m one of your patients.”

  “Sorry? We have a bad line here.”

  “May I speak to Dr Kawashita?”

  “I’m afraid he’s not here.”

  “Oh dear. Could you tell me where he is?”

  “He’s away at a conference.”

  “Oh. A conference. Do you know where it is?”

  “Sapporo.”

  “Sapporo?”

  “That’s right.”

  “Well, actually, you see, Dr Kawashita gave me some medicine, but it’s been lost, you see, and I wonder if perhaps you could urgently send me some more, please?”

  “You’re breaking up. I can’t hear you. Hello? Hello?”

  “Hello? Yes. I would like you to send me some serpentina alkaloid urgently, please.”

  “Celluloid?”

  “No, no. Serpentina alkaloid. That’s the name of the medicine.”

  “Medicine? What about medicine?”

  “I want you to send it urgently, you see.”

  “I can’t issue medicine without the doctor’s instructions.”

  “Yes. Of course.”

  “Pardon? What did you say?”

  “Er, hello? I wonder if you could tell me where Dr Kawashita is staying in Sapporo?”

  “Wear what?”

  “What hotel is he staying in?”