I rush forward and hold up the pill. “All you have to do is take it!” I raise my hand to his lips and he grabs my waist, pushing me until my back hits his door with a thud. And then his lips are on mine, hot and angry and tasting faintly of peppermint.
For a moment I’m shocked, and then my arms fly up around his neck to pull him closer, and we’re kissing hard. His body presses to mine, strong and rough, his hands around my back. I feel his fingers digging into my skin, pulling me, and we’re both held together by a sense of absolute desperation that braids itself around us, pulling us tighter. Our mouths are both hungry, an incessant stream of moans and whimpers rising up from my throat. I’ve never been kissed like this. In fact, I’ve never felt passion in my life until this second. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel like this—like I needed to fuse myself to him.
And just as quickly as it started, he pushes away, raising his arms to his head as he takes several steps back, bumping the bed, staring at me like, Holy shit, what have I done? I’m like Jello, leaning against the door, my arms limp at my sides, breathing heavily. His jeans strain against the bulging erection inside, and I press my thighs together, holding in another whimper.
Hans’s lips move, and though I can’t make out the words, the music stops. My ears thump in the sudden silence. Just our breathing fills the space.
I whisper, “Please don’t overthink this.”
And he whispers back, “Too late.”
He sits on the bed, the fire leaving him, and he rests his face in his hands. I gently pull one of his hands down and press the pill into his palm. He closes his hand around it, but his eyes glaze over like earlier and I’ve lost him again to his thoughts.
“You shouldn’t come anymore.”
That hurts, but I’m not surprised to hear it. “How much longer until your mission?”
“Ten days.”
I let out a shaky breath. “Then I’m not stopping. Expect me every day.”
He doesn’t argue, just grits his teeth, and I leave him, my lips still searing with our kiss.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Hans’s face is made of hard lines when he opens the door the next day. Every nerve ending in my gut is firing with anxiety. I don’t even enter his room.
“Let’s go to the zoo.” I turn without waiting and head back for the elevator. Behind me, I hear him sigh, but I smile to myself at the sound of his footsteps following.
For more than an hour we are silent. Silent in the hover ride to the zoo. Silent as we enter the enormous estate and begin trekking through. It thrills me a little to hear the sound of birds, so I head straight for them. Hans keeps a step behind me, to my side, his hands in his pockets. There’s a comfort between us, even in the quiet, even after yesterday’s explosive events. Not that I’m in any danger here on Mars, but his presence makes me feel safe.
I’ve gotten used to women, and some men, stopping in their tracks to openly survey him. He is quite the specimen. In his state of depression he doesn’t seem to notice the eyes on him, checking out the effortless swagger in his walk. I’m glad, because I don’t want to share his attention.
We leave the bird exhibit and see the monkeys next. Mars has a surprisingly big selection of animals that they’ve shipped over from Earth. I feel sad when I think about their long journey, though they’re running and swinging and calling out to each other happily now.
When we round the next corner we both stop abruptly. A crowd has formed around two horses attempting to mate. The giant male steed is gigantically hung, as one might imagine, and we get there just in time for him to find his target. The female mare throws her head back, letting out a series of neighs and shaking her mane. Everyone laughs and claps.
Okay, they’re animals and this is nature but I still feel my face turning hot.
Hans crosses his arms, and I’m too embarrassed to look his way. All I can think to say is, “Lucky her.” And the second I say it I get even hotter, patting my cheeks and shaking my head. I have to turn away from the spectacle. When I happen a glance up to see if Hans is coming, he’s standing there glaring hard at me with his arms crossed.
“You shouldn’t say things like that around me.”
I wonder how pink my stupid cheeks are. “I think we’re past that.”
When I walk, he follows, saying, “You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”
“Harder is good.”
A guttural sound escapes him and I hold back a giggle, stopping at the drink and snack stand.
“What do you want?” I ask.
“Nothing.” Fine.
“Water and a frozen banana,” I say to the teenage girl.
She smiles and takes my Mars card, handing it back to me with my food. The chocolate covered frozen banana looks amazing, but it’s huge, and I immediately regret the purchase as I stare at the phallic treat. Hans stands before me with his arms still crossed. I peek at him and he has an eyebrow arched at my banana.
“You are really fucking trying to kill me.”
I can’t help it; I laugh now. “I wasn’t even thinking about that when I got it! I haven’t had one of these since I was, like, seventeen.”
“Oh, God.” He rolls his eyes as I try to catch my breath from giggling.
When he peers down at me again, I dart my tongue out and lick the tip of the banana, causing his entire face to freeze and his body to go rigid.
“I’m out.” He turns stiffly away and I race to catch up, laughing even harder now.
“I’m sorry! I swear. I’ll be good now. Don’t look—I’m going to take a bite.” For good measure I turn my head away from him as I bite the banana and the chocolate cracks. “Mm. It’s really good. Want some?”
“Definitely not.” He’s still walking fast, not looking at me.
“Oh, come on, I can’t eat this whole thing.” I take another bite as he leads us to the lion exhibit.
When I’ve finished half of the dessert I say, “I can’t eat the rest. If you really don’t want any, I’ll throw it away.”
Without looking away from the lazing lion, he takes the stick and proceeds to put the entire rest of the banana in his mouth, biting down and pulling out the stick. It’s such a huge bite that he even tries not to laugh as his lips work to stay closed while he chews.
“Show off,” I say, smiling.
I put the stick in the biodegradable bin and drink some water. Now’s probably a good time for his meds, so I pull out the pill and hand it to him with the drink. I tilt my head when he glowers.
“Pretty please?”
He lets out a grunting sigh, then tosses back the pill and takes two glugs of the water, shoving it back into my hands. Hans leans against the post, staring out at the lion for a long while.
“It was wrong to bring them here. Birds, monkeys, whatever. But these hunters? It’s wrong for them to sit here and have someone else feed them. Goes against nature.”
“I agree,” I whisper.
“That’s how I feel when I take these fucking pills. Like I’m being caged.”
I raise my head to his face, surprised. “Hans what you’ve been through, and what it’s caused…your brain is not developing the chemicals it should be right now. That’s the cage. These pills are trying to get things right in your head, so you can deal—in a healthy way—with the hell you’ve been through.” My voice catches. “I’m trying to help you out of that cage so you can hunt again.”
“I’m not a hunter anymore. I never will be.”
I don’t know what to say. Sorrow settles deep inside of me, a helpless feeling.
“Come on,” I whisper, taking his elbow gently. “Let’s go.”
We walk from the zoo, taking a hover together to his place. He leans his head back and closes his eyes the whole way. The tension never leaves him. When we get on his hall, I take his hand, twining my fingers into his and he lets me, his fingers even tightening around mine and making my heart flutter. We stop at his door and I whisper, “Good night.”
>
He gives me a nod and disappears inside.
CHAPTER TWELVE
The next week leads me into a downward spiral of despair. As the date for the mission nears, Hans disappears farther into his mind. No matter what I do or say, it’s as if his true self has gone deep into hiding, and I cannot bring him out. I even broke down into tears and begged him to talk to me, but all of his responses are robotic.
He’s preparing to die.
Last night we went to a pool hall, and even though Hans played like everyone else, he didn’t laugh or talk like the others. He greeted his fellow Hornets with hand clasps, and let Reesa hug him, but after that…zombie mode. No celebration when he hit his mark. I caught Rees watching him a lot and then she’d send me a sad expression. She can see it too.
In my desperation, I talk to my brother and Reesa, along with each of Hans’s original crew members. They’re all concerned, though they don’t show it well on their stoic faces. Tripoli kept saying, “He’s fine. Don’t sweat it. He’ll be a’ight.” Which caused me no end of frustration. I know they see what I do. His complete lack of humor. His distant eyes. Protective mechanisms. Everyone wants to hope for the best, and nobody wants me to worry, but it’s too late for that.
I keep hoping his meds will help. He’s been on them two weeks now. They should start kicking in soon, right? God, I’m a mess. After tonight we have two more days.
“Come with us to Sky Club,” Reesa says tonight when we finish dinner. When I don’t respond she puts a hand on mine. “Look at me, Lanna.”
I slowly lift my eyes to her serious face.
“Whatever happens is not your fault.” Her voice cracks and she pauses until she’s composed enough to continue. “You’ve been amazing with him.”
“I failed him.” Both our eyes are watering now and she squeezes my hand, shaking her head.
“Not even close, Lan.”
I pull my hand away and wipe my eyes. It doesn’t matter what she says. If Hans doesn’t make it back from this mission, I’ll always feel like I failed the most important test of my life. The only test that truly mattered.
“You love him.” Reesa’s declaration comes out a whisper, and I’m glad her mom and my brother aren’t at the table anymore.
I wipe my eyes again, neither admitting or denying. Because right now it hurts to love him. And I do. I love Hans Rawko.
“You should tell him, before it’s too late.”
I laugh. “That’s the exact kind of thing that would get me kicked out of his room before I could even finish the sentence. He won’t hear it. He’ll just get angry.”
“Make him hear it.”
“Um, you’ve seen that he’s a little bigger than me, right?”
“He won’t kick you out of his apartment if you’re naked.”
She takes a sip of her drink, eyebrows up, and I can’t help a small smile at the thought. I wouldn’t even have time to get the shirt over my head before he was throwing me out. But being naked in his presence is a nice thought. I’ve never actively seduced someone. Every man I’ve ever dated has been more than willing to have sex at barely a hint of interest from me.
And at this point, will sex help anything? I mean, I know it’ll help me and my Hans-obsessed libido, but will it help him? Or will it just make him feel weak for giving in to the urge to do something he feels is disrespectful to his Captain?
As if reading my mind, Reesa says, “Maybe Lex and I should talk to him. Together. Make sure he knows that nobody will fault him if he has feelings for you and acts on them.”
“Not feelings. I think he’d have sex with me in a heartbeat if I wasn’t a certain someone’s little sister, but that’s not the same as feelings.”
“Are you kidding me?” She smirks. “He gets jealous if any other man rubs elbows with you.”
I shrug. “Only because of that stupid male sexual claiming instinct or whatever. He won’t have sex with me, but no other man is allowed to either.”
Another disbelieving smirk. I wave a hand to say whatever. This all hurts my head.
“Fine, I’ll go to the bar,” I say to get her off my back.
She claps her hands and smiles.
Two hours later the drinks are going down way too easily. I’m craving the numbness that alcohol brings. Just for a couple hours I want to be free of the fear and guilt and sorrow that I feel every time I think of Hans.
I must be drunker than usual because I let Reesa and Sheralyn pull me out on the dance floor, where I’m pretty sure I kick some shins and calves when I try to dance like Sheralyn but nobody complains. I wave wildly when I see Hensley dancing with some chick nearby and he nods, giving me that huge grin.
My mood doesn’t falter until I see Reesa stiffen as she glances over at the bar, so I look too. Yep. There he is, standing up there with my brother and all the other Hornets. He’s got a drink in his hand and a hundred-yard stare going on, but he’s there. And he’s not surrounded by women. It takes two seconds of me watching him for his head to turn and find me, his bright eyes catching on mine. Our gaze stretches for several long moments before I realize I’m the only one on the dance floor not dancing.
The room spins a little and I have the exact opposite thought from what I should have. I need another drink.
“You okay?” Reesa shouts at me.
“Yeah, I’m getting a drink.”
She has that worried look on her face, but I move away, touching bodies to keep myself steady as I make my way through the sea of dancers. Hans is looking pointedly ahead as I approach, but I can tell from his rigid body language that he senses me. I decide to ignore him and go straight to the bar behind him. Match grins at me with his tiger hair and slides me another Morphian mixture.
The next twenty minutes or so are a bit of a blur. I drink more. I think some Mars guy bought me a drink, and it caused a bit of a rumble among the Hornets, who had to talk the man into standing at the other end of the bar from Hans. But it’s not until I stumble and spill my drink all over the front of newbie Hornet Mace that Hans takes me by the arm to my brother.
“What the hell, I’m fine,” I slur.
“Cap. I think she needs to go.”
In my mind I’m standing perfectly straight and totally in control, so when I start to lean and Hans has to pull me back up, I laugh.
“I thought I was supah-dupah sober.”
Russ narrows his dark eyes down at me. Then he looks at Hans.
“I’ll let you take care of this.”
“Sir?” he asks. “You mean put her on a hover? What’s the address again?”
“I ain’t goin’ home,” I say. “Rainell’s prolly screwing Tiko.”
“He’s standing right behind us,” Hans says.
I yank my arm away from him and put my hands on my hips, slightly leaning forward.
“Wellll, I’m not going there, so jus’ deal with it. M’kay? Imma get another drink.” I start to turn, getting confused when my body goes in a farther circle than I meant, and realize it’s Hans turning me right back to face them.
I cackle.
“Let her sleep at your place,” Russell says, somehow managing to sound angry about his own command.
“My place, sir? But…she’s drunk.”
I huff. “I’s gonna try ‘n seduce you but then I decided nah.”
My brother pulls a face and grumbles, “Jesus.” Hans’s face looks pale in the flashing lights.
“Russy…” Sudden tears fill my eyes. “He’s hurrrting.”
My brother cringes. “Get her out of here.”
“Cap.” Hans puts his palms up. “I’d rather not.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you’d rather do. Take care of her.”
“I can’t take care of anyone!” It comes out as a shout that causes everyone in the near vicinity to go still and quiet, staring.
My brother and Hans lock eyes, and I watch them, not even sure what’s going on.
“Yes, you can,” Russell says quietly. Then he w
alks away from us. Hans looks around, everywhere but at me. All of the Hornets turn away from us. Reesa is the only one who meets my eyes, giving me a small smile of encouragement. With a pissed off grumble, Hans takes my elbow firmly and leads me to the elevator.
I’m not in the frame of mind to grasp what is going on as I lean heavily against the corner in the elevator. Hans’s eyes slide down me, landing on my thighs. He clears his throat and looks away, saying grumpily, “Pull your dress down.”
When I look down at my legs it throws off my equilibrium and I have to grab hold of the hand rails on either side of me. My head dangles down as I rock side to side, staring at my legs. “Tha’s alotta thighs.” I giggle.
Hans rubs his face hard with both hands. We get to the bottom and he takes my elbow again to lead me out.
“Why you so mad?”
“I don’t particularly like babysitting.”
We stop at the curb and I pull away, putting one hand on my hip and waving a finger around. “Firs’ of all, I ain’t a baby, Hansss.”
“Okay, Carolina, get your ass in the hover.”
He guides me into the seat and climbs in, his hips pushing me over as the door glides shut. He punches an address hard into the screen, sitting back and crossing his arms. His eyes flicker down to my lap and quickly back up.
“You still haven’t pulled your fucking dress down.”
“Oh, my God, you fucking prude, it’s jus’ legs. You see them all the damn time.”
“Not yours. And why are you cussing so much?”
I lean toward him and say, “Fuuuuuuck.”
His jaw flexes.
“Hey, ‘member that time we kissed?”
The hover is silent. His jaw relaxes and he stares forward. It’s not until we stop at his building and he’s climbing out that he mumbles, “I remember too well.”
He helps me up and I make him stop at the women’s bathroom where I sing a country tune at the top of my lungs and make friends with a Mars girl with a golden wig to her waist. We’re totally besties by the time Hans yells into the doorway, “Enough already!”
My bottom lip is pouty when I stumble out. “I was making a friend.”
Out of the Stars (Into the Stars Book 2) Page 8
