All the Difference

by Edward McKeown

  Eldra returns with two small bags likely containing tonight’s dinner. She spots me staring out to sea. She goes inside and returns quickly with a hooded jacket similar to the one she is wearing.

  “Come on, Maauro. The exercise will do me good, and maybe it will keep us both from fretting.”

  I nod. I take the jacket she offers me to be polite.

  “Oh dear,” she says looking at my feet. “It may be a bit cold for open-toed sandals.”

  I note the thicker sport shoes that she has on, a moment later my feet reshape themselves into a matching pair. I also open an interior compartment where I keep my sunglasses.

  Eldra simply laughs. “What a marvel you are. And yet it is so easy to forget and to see you as just a pretty girl.”

  I shrug. I find it odd how often it is the small things I can do that seem to draw the most comment from biologicals. “It is a simple matter to reconfigure something like a foot, unlike the energy and computing power to make something exponentially more difficult and mobile such as a face. I find light clothing difficult as it must hang and move like fabric, which is why I sometime wear ordinary clothes. It is less wasteful of power, too.”

  We walk out of the house, accompanied by the dog. The animal does not know quite what to make of me and eyes me uncertainly.

  “I’m sorry, Maauro. He’s usually very friendly.”

  “I am sure, but I am not a form of life he recognizes. I consider myself to be living but I do not think Benton agrees.”

  “We’ll have to teach him better.”

  I stop and face her. “Do you accept me as living being?”

  She stops in surprise. There is a long silence. “I made one mistake that lost me my son for over a decade. I won’t make that error again. Wrik loves you. I don’t understand how such a thing can come to be, but I accept it.”

  As I walk along the seashore with Eldra, the wind whips up the waves. It is colder today, and we have less company on the beach. “I don’t pretend to understand what is between you and my son,” Eldra repeats as we walk on, sand and shells crunching underfoot. “Maybe it’s because you look so much like a pretty young girl that I find it easy to accept you as… the human mutation of your cover story.

  “What I can see is that you and he have powerful feelings about each other. Even without the stories you have both told me, which, had I not seen you with my own eyes, I could not begin to believe, it is obvious how much you care for each other.”

  “Is it?” I ask.

  “Yes, with Wrik anyway. He lights up whenever you enter a room. He clearly wants your approval and agreement for what he does—”

  “Less than you think,” I reply. “I have found in him a distinct tendency to agree with what I propose, then to proceed as he thinks best. Charitably, it is usually in circumstances where he perceives I may be in danger. This causes me both anguish and frustration, as I am so much less vulnerable than he is, and now I must worry about him. He appears to make strategic use of deceit in our relationship.”

  Eldra chuckles. “You will find he is not unique in that regard as men go.”

  “And how do you judge my heart?” I ask Eldra.

  She smiles at me as the wind ruffles her hair. “You too, my dear, light up when he is around. Unless something is demanding your attention, you are looking at him. There are dozens of little gestures between you that tell of intimacy. But more, I will not forget your face when you learned of the headstone. You were very angry.”

  “Yes. I have emotions. Not as deep perhaps, nor as easily summoned as a humans’, but I can love and hate with power and intensity. Wrik is mine. Perhaps that is the wrong way to say it, but he is precious to me. I do not tolerate people mistreating him. I have rewarded most who have done so with death. Now I am forestalled, not by concerns of your law, which means nothing to me, but by the nature of family bonds, which allow cruelties that I, a machine made for war, would practice only on my enemies.”

  Eldra sighs. “Too true. You may find that in these battles your most effective weapons are kindness and forgiveness. Even these may not be up to the task.”

  “Have they worked for you?”

  “Some,” she replies. “With my daughter, kindness and forbearance and some measure of forgiveness have made our relationship possible, if not easy. With Wrik’s father … no. What he did to my son and far, far worse, what he pressed me into doing, that can never be forgiven. I will neither speak to, nor see him again in this life, not for any reason.

  “I am angry with Wrik, not for the battle, I couldn’t care less about that, but for leaving his home. For never sending me word that he was alive. But I have to accept that when he last saw me, I was, if not one who condemned him, one who remained silent, cowed by my husband and the opinions of others.”

  I place a gentle hand on her shoulder. Her voice has grown ragged, and her eyes are filled with tears. “Forgive me. I have caused you distress with my endless questions and ignorance.”

  “No,” she replied, patting my hand with hers, “best to air this out completely and be done with it. I have had more than a decade of silence and isolation for my sins, trying to find some way to atone. Now, at last, I have a chance, so, to return to what you first asked me, I see you as a living being. I would treat you as one for Wrik’s sake if for no other reason, but if it is worth anything to you, well, walking here with you on this beach and having you listen to my ramblings, I see you as a very kind person.”

  “I try to be kind. I try to be good. These are not programmed concepts for me, and I fear that my understanding of them is fraught with errors. It is difficult to transition from dispatching my enemies with weapons to trying to understand them as people.”

  “Again, too true.”

  The dog dances about us.

  “Here,” Eldra says, bending down to pick up a long piece of driftwood. “If you toss this, the dog will enjoy fetching it back.”

  I analyze the degraded cellulose and choose a velocity and vector that will keep it intact and retrievable. I toss the stick and a delighted Benton races after it. The animal returns it to Eldra, who hands it to me, and I fling it again.

  Eldra chuckles. “He’s getting old. He’ll do it a few more times, then he’ll be happy to walk with us.”

  I nod.

  A stout, older woman calls out to Eldra from her yard and hurries over to us. She seals her windbreaker as she clears the protecting dune and joins us on the beach proper.

  “Hello Ruatha,” Eldra says with a smile. “How are you? Did you just get back from your daughter’s?”

  “Oh, good as always and yes. But I just heard the news on my messenger! I so hope it’s true.”

  “Yes, my son is here. He’s alive and well.”

  “Thank God,” the older woman says. “I know how you’ve worried. I always hoped this would happen.”

  “This is my son’s girlfriend, Aurelia.”

  I am momentarily nonplussed at being introduced, but extend my hand in greeting. Ruatha gives me a bright smile and an inquisitive look, but my sunglasses save me from further explanation.

  “Ruatha knows my family history,” Eldra adds. “She knows Piet Van Zyle is my son.”

  “And I know how his mother has suffered all these long years awaiting word from her son.” There is a note of accusation in that which draws a warning glance from Eldra.

  “Piet came home as soon as he could,” Eldra says. “There have been a lot of developments for him. When you meet him, for example, he uses the name Wrik Trigardt.”

  “Well that’s nice,” Ruatha says, perhaps realizing she has trod on sensitive ground. “I guess all that is important is that he is home safe and sound.” I sense she is networked to Eldra and feels her friend has been wronged by Wrik’s long absence.

  “Wrik is master of his own starship,” I add, “the SS Stardust and a part
ner in the Lost Planet firm.” Benton stands next to me, tail wagging impatiently. He drops the stick, and I pitch it again.

  Ruatha’s eyes widen. “Wrik Trigardt. Oh, Heavens, that’s where I heard that name. He’s the one from the Lost Planet expedition. The news just came in a few days ago. I never put it together but Eldra…”

  Eldra raises a hand. “You know me and the news, I never watch it. I only learned of these things when they appeared at my door.”

  “Wrik and his companions found the lost colony, rescued the Bexlaw expedition… you must be so proud of your son.”

  “I’m just grateful to see him.”

  “Were you on the expedition, Aurelia?”

  I nod. “I played a small role. I worked on the ship. There was a lot of confusion about me, since the robot we had aboard rather looked like me.”

  “Oh, these idiots in the media never get anything right.”

  I nod, which seems to be the appropriate response.

  Eldra diverts the other woman with some trivia of our arrival. She also hints that matters are delicate around her house just now. Benton returns but drops the stick as if he has lost interest in it.

  “Say no more,” Ruatha says, bending to pet the dog. “You attend to your business, but all of us are right around the corner if you need us for anything at all. If your son and his girlfriend would like to come to dinner some time, we’d be delighted, but I understand entirely if you are too busy.

  “It was lovely to meet you Aurelia,” she says with a cheery wave. “Call me if you need me, Eldra. I’ll take care of letting the others know.”

  I smile and wave back.

  “I’m blessed with good friends,” Eldra says, gazing fondly at the other woman’s retreating back.

  We move on. The long walk with the dog is oddly soothing. I enjoy the varying pressures of the wind on my body. Eldra enjoys it too. We do not speak much, merely enjoying the sight and sound of the seashore. Like a human, I find the motion of the sea with its ceaseless rhythms oddly reassuring. It has rolled thus for hundreds of millions of years and will so long as liquid water remains on this world.

  We eventually wander back, with other neighbors calling out greetings. Eldra makes us a lunch, which I ingest to keep her company. But even in this little ritual, there is comfort, as Eldra treats me like the young human female I appear to be. This is a new experience for me. When Jaelle and I spent time like this, there was more the sense of two friends doing something together. Here, something else is present, a nurturing element I have not found in other relationships.

  The sudden memory of Jaelle strikes a melancholy note with me, but I find that this is not an area I wish to discuss even with Eldra. This works out as she is mostly interested in learning of Wrik’s life, and I avoid much mention of the female whose place has come to me. I do the dishes, and Eldra advises she is going upstairs for a nap. I assure her I will be fine in the meanwhile. I return to my post by the porch and watch rain begin to fall out at sea. To my surprise, the dog joins me there. He circles three times and lays on a rug next to me, his back against my hip. I put my hand on him gently and stroke his fur as I have seen the others do until I sense he is asleep. Benton has decided I am of less interest than a human and more welcome than the vacuum cleaner. Well, it is some progress on an otherwise slow day.

  Chapter 15

  I followed Rena into a house that combined rustic and traditional elements with modern conveniences, such as the robo-server that rolled up.

  “Can I offer you a drink? I’m going to have one,” Rena said.

  I nodded.

  “Sit,” she said. I dropped onto an overstuffed chair next to her, looking at animal heads hung on the walls, the flags and other memorabilia from the war. I was glad not to see Ncome Commando insignia up there.

  She caught my gaze as the robot server returned with two large glasses of some local red wine. “I wish I could talk my husband into getting rid of the bits of dead animals. They used to give the kids nightmares. He thinks it’s important that our son face his fears. Of course, it’s not like he shot any of them himself.”

  There was an unmistakable bitterness in my sister’s voice. I looked up from the glass that the machine was extending to me on its servo. For a second, I thought I saw something in my sister’s eyes, but it was shuttered instantly.

  “I used to feel the same way,” I said. “Our father had trophies all over the walls. I think he would have put up a Solari head if he could have.”

  My sister drank from her glass. “What’s the old saying? Those who do not learn from the past are condemned to repeat it.”

  I stared at her, lost for a second. “Did the old man call you to tell you I was back?”

  “Are you back?”

  “What the hell, Rena?” I snapped. “You’re looking right at me.”

  She bit her lip slightly. “Sorry, badly put. I didn’t mean it to sound like I’m playing games. I’m not as fond of that as I once was. Who knew games could be so expensive and no do-overs either…” She shook her head. “No, I meant, have you returned to stay?”

  “You didn’t answer my question.”

  “Yes. Dad called me, yesterday. Told me you came by. Didn’t say much more, just that he expected you’d call on me at some point. I told him I was far from sure that was true. The rest I heard from my husband.”

  I raised my eyebrows.

  “Oh, there’s rather a buzz going around political circles on Retief, especially among the Rebels, both old and too young to remember what it was like looking at an overcast made of Confederation ships. The name and news of Wrik Trigardt took a little bit to get out. I guess you escaped the capitol and eluded the media before they heard about you and the Lost Colony Expedition. We had the press here looking for you. I sent them to my husband’s office. He used some influence to keep them from bothering Mom.

  “I figured it out when I saw your picture from the Seddon expedition. My older brother, a starship captain, operating beyond the borders of known space, rescuing lost expeditions and battling ancient war machines.”

  While dating an ancient war machine, I thought.

  “You didn’t look much different then when I’d last seen you. Oh, you’ve filled out some, but it was clearly you.”

  I nodded.

  “They say you’re a hero, Wrik Trigardt. Does it mean any more than it did when they said you were a coward?”

  My sister’s thinking and speech eluded me; it was like talking to a complete stranger. “I don’t really know what either word means. As for praise or condemnation, well, one helps less than you think, and one hurts more than you can believe.”

  “No,” she said, her voice distant. “Not more than I can believe.”

  “So far, of the people I wanted to see, I’ve found the Old Man, with the expected result, my friend Delt, who, to my shock, is my friend again and my mother, who was glad to see me.”

  “Thank God for that. I wondered if I should call her but decided I would leave things be for a few days.” Rena said.

  “You’re surprised that Mom was glad to see me?”

  “No, merely glad it’s happened. Perhaps she can climb down off the cross now. She nailed herself up there good and proper.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Does she even look like our mother anymore?” Rena asked, drinking more. “She hasn’t taken very good care of herself: exiled herself to the seaside and waited either for death or your return. I’ve been keeping her afloat, running her investments, but I don’t know how much longer—”

  “What does Mom need?” I asked.

  “Times haven’t been that good,” Rena said, defensiveness in her tone. “Some of the investments didn’t work out, and her health has been chancy. She won’t take anything from my husband, or our father—”

  “What’s needed?” I re
peated.

  “She goes through about 800 Dirands a month.”

  “Will 100,000 Confed credits do for starters? That should buy her house outright. If not there will be more.”

  My sister stared at me over the lip of her glass. “As easy as that?”

  “Give me the account information, and I’ll have it transferred immediately. I won’t mess with anything you’ve been doing in the twelve years I’ve been gone.”

  “Generous,” she nodded. “Looks like you really are a hero.”

  “Meaningless noise, Rena. But I did this to Mom. I’m back here trying to fix some of what I wrecked before; money is the easy part.”

  “Be nice to see Mom happy,” Rena said. “I wonder what that looks like?” She stopped and looked at me, then put down the glass. “She made you come see me. I wasn’t on your list.” It wasn’t a question.

  “Yes,” I said flatly.

  She looked away. The old Rena would have thrown the glass at me, raged, screamed insults. This one only stared out the window.

  “The kids are out playing in the back,” she finally said. “Would you like to meet them?”

  I hadn’t even considered her children.

  She rose, still not looking at me. “They have uncles, aunts and cousins on his side. You’re the only family they have on my side, beyond Mom and Dad.”

  “You want me to?”

  Now she looked me in the eye. “Their slates stay clean. All this….crap we’re standing in is ours, not theirs.”

  “I’ll do… the best I can. Not really sure what to say.”

  “Who the fuck does? Come on. I’d like you to meet them before their father gets home. Let’s make it straight and honest.”

  I followed her out onto the back deck that overlooked a broad swath of lawn, dotted with fruit trees and bushes. I could see a fine playhouse for children. A cat blinked at me from the second level of it. In the distance, I saw some dogs sniffing about.