Spiderstalk

by D. Nathan Hilliard

  “Huh?? Because I can’t ask out women anymore, I’m dangerous to be with?”

  “No, because of the reason you can’t ask women out anymore, you’re dangerous to be with. There’s a difference. Besides, you really don’t have a reason you can’t ask a girl out anyway…although I guess from now on it will have to be one of the girls with us. But there’s plenty of them,” Antonio assured him cheerfully, “so you’ll be okay.”

  “Wonderful,” Adam grouched. “After we’ve got Tucker back, I’ll just hobble up to the first one I see and say, ‘Hey baby, wanna dance? Oh, wait a minute, how about a nice sit instead.’”

  “It would be a start,” Antonio mused, “but you’re proving my point. You have no confidence, because you’ve made getting rejected too painful in your mind to risk. You’ve already decided it would be some kind of affirmation you’re no longer a man and you don’t want to face that. So I’m going to help you.”

  “Help me? So when you aren’t running secret societies bent on world domination, you do self help seminars?”

  “I should!” the big man exclaimed. “Ah, the things I’ve learned and the wisdom I could share. But at the moment you have me all to yourself. That doesn’t happen very often you know, so you should feel fortunate...and eat your chili dog before it gets cold.”

  “Okay, oh wise one,” Adam laughed and took a bite. “Enlighten me on the evil mastermind’s secret to getting women.”

  “Very well, Adam. I want your undivided attention. Are you ready?”

  “I’m ready,” Adam chewed, “lay it on me.”

  “Okay. Remember this, and all will be well,” Antonio held up a finger as if to drive home the point. “Women are cheeseburgers.”

  “Wh-what?” Adam descended into a fit of choking as a stray bit of chili went down the wrong tube. Clutching the dashboard, he struggled for breath as he tried to wrap his mind around Antonio’s latest pronouncement. “Y-you want to run that by me again?”

  “Women are cheeseburgers,” Antonio said with all the gravitas of a Confucian monk. “Know this truth, and you will do fine.”

  “Okay, how does that work?”

  “Adam, imagine there is an array of cheeseburgers before you. Beautiful, plump cheeseburgers made in a variety of ways…and naturally, you want a cheeseburger.”

  “Okay, gotcha. Lots of cheeseburgers. Now what?”

  “So what do you do?”

  “About what?”

  “The cheeseburgers! You’re hungry, and there are cheeseburgers. What do you do?”

  “Grab a cheeseburger?” Adam took another bite of his chili dog.

  “Ah, but the cheeseburger you want is out of reach. You stretch, but your fingers don’t quite make it. Now what, Grasshopper?”

  “Grab a different cheeseburger?”

  “EXACTLY!” Antonio erupted with enthusiasm. “You don’t worry about it, you don’t judge yourself over it, and you don’t sabotage yourself with self doubt! It’s just a cheeseburger! You don’t put the cart before the horse and get emotionally invested until you have the cheeseburger in hand. Wait till you have something, then you can worry.”

  “Okay.” Adam pointed his chili dog at Antonio. “I follow your logic, but the problem with using that approach, is all I end up with is a cheeseburger.”

  “Untrue.” Antonio shook his head gravely.

  “No?”

  “No. Now you have a gorilla.”

  “Oh.”

  The two men rode in silence for a moment, looking at the road ahead. On the left side of the highway, empty fields of plowed dirt and the occasional farmhouse flew past. On the right, cattle grazed in still green pastures, a product of the mild South Texas winters. Adam took a bite of his chili dog and chewed thoughtfully, while Antonio unwrapped a second BBQ sandwich. After pondering his partner’s words for a moment, Adam spoke up again.

  “Antonio?”

  “Yes?”

  “My cheeseburger turned into a gorilla. Is that supposed to happen?”

  “It always does. Without fail.”

  “Really?”

  “Absolutely.” Antonio nodded sagely. “You have now graduated to the second metaphor.”

  “The second metaphor?” Adam gave his driver a narrow look. “Sounds ominous.”

  “Oh, it is. Imagine yourself locked in a room,” the other intoned, “and the only thing sharing the room with you is a grumpy gorilla.”

  “Why is it grumpy?”

  “Because that is the nature of the beast. But you are not totally defenseless.”

  “I’m not?”

  “Nope. You are armed with a large bundle of bananas.”

  Adam shoved the last of the chili dog into his mouth. “Bananas?”

  “Bananas.”

  “Ooookaaayy. Bananas then.”

  “Yes. The bananas represent ‘appeasers’…things you use to keep the gorilla complacent. These are things ranging from ‘I love you’s,’ to flowers, to dinners, all the way up to your paycheck, doing the dishes, and the ever necessary ‘yes dear’ delivered in such a way as not to sound like ‘yes dear.’ All of these things, delivered correctly, keep the gorilla in a sedate mood.”

  “So let me get this straight…” Adam closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose between his finger and thumb. “When I tell a woman I love her, I’m actually giving a banana to a gorilla?”

  Silence hung in the air for one pregnant second.

  “Adam,” Antonio replied somberly, “if you ever have any doubts about that, just let her catch you slipping one of her bananas to another gorilla.”

  Adam paused and digested this.

  “Okay, now you’re really beginning to scare me…because that made way too much sense.”

  “Oh there’s more to it, my boy. There is the whole field of Banana Economics to be mastered. It’s not merely a matter of tossing any old banana at the gorilla, you know.”

  “You’re kidding,” Adam murmured in awe. “You actually went and made an economic system out of this?”

  “Of course. Bananas vary in value, and some depreciate rapidly when used. Then there is the matter of feeding the gorilla the wrong banana. When that happens you often have to hurry and give her four or five more bananas to make up for the mistake. And if you’re not careful, you’ll find yourself flinging bananas randomly, and leaving peels everywhere. That’s usually a sign of Banana Deficit.”

  “Oh my God,” Adam breathed. “No wonder you live in secret. If the National Organization of Women ever found out about you, they would send assassins.”

  “It’s a solemn burden,” Antonio nodded his head seriously. “But someday I may need to record this knowledge for the benefit of mankind.”

  Antonio’s cell phone chimed and he put the device to his ear.

  “Yes? Mhmm. We’re about two hours from our destination. We’re taking the roundabout way, remember? Yes, we stopped to eat. What?” The man frowned into his phone. “How far back? Okay, I understand. No, I don’t foresee a problem, but I’ll take precautions. Thank you, Olivia.”

  Antonio tossed the phone back on the dashboard and frowned at the highway ahead. He obviously had something on his mind.

  “Problem?” Adam queried, wondering what could be wrong when they were still two hours away from the encounter.

  “Olivia is tracking two Highway Patrol cars about a mile behind us.”

  “She can do that?”

  “Yes. She says they installed all their cars with GPS locators for safety reasons, which apparently means she can track them at will.” He waved his hand dismissively. “You would have to ask her for the specifics, as it’s all over my head.”

  “Okay, so we’re being followed by the Highway Patrol. This is bad, right?”

  “Maybe.” Antonio fished a syringe out from a seat pocket, took off the end cap with his teeth, and managed to inject himself while still driving the van. “I’ll know for sure in a little bit.”

  “You can read them from a mile away
?”

  “No,” Antonio laughed, “nowhere close. There is a little service station about three miles up the road. We’ll stop there, get gas, and let the police catch up with us. I’m willing to bet money they just drive on past on their way to somewhere else, but I’m not in the mood to take chances today.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  ###

  Cristobal signed rapidly as he walked alongside Olivia down the basement hallway, his hands flashing in the air.

  One of the convenient things about working with the Chief’s niece was that he didn’t have to self monitor the speed of his signing with her. Most of the People didn’t sign at all, and he always carried a small notebook for those occasions. Some did, mainly the ones he worked or lived with. But the Chief, and even his own wife Mariel, had to occasionally ask him to slow down or repeat himself.

  Not Olivia. She followed him effortlessly, even when he was talking fast. He loved Mariel with all his heart, but had always admired the Chief’s beautiful niece for the prodigious intellect he knew she possessed, and the poise with which she utilized it. Next to Chief Antonio himself, he looked up to her like nobody else.

  “I’m not sure how long I will be gone,” she answered his query. “It will simply depend on how matters develop. I’ve left my rooms in good order, so you needn’t worry about them. The Chief’s rooms, as I’m sure you’re aware, are probably another matter.”

  Cristobal flashed another quick question.

  “Mr. Sellars?” She paused and frowned at the floor. “His future status is still undetermined. At the moment, keep the rooms he is using as they are. There is an outside chance he may return with a small boy, about seven years old. You may wish to provision accordingly.”

  The young man tapped his hand as they resumed walking and made a meaningful twist with it.

  “Yes, I’d like to borrow your station wagon for this trip. It has more room and would also blend in better where I’ll be staying than my Lexus. You and Mariel are welcome to take my car and…”

  The pair of them came to a stop as they entered the garage and spied the four men waiting for them.

  Cristobal immediately recognized the Elder, Cesar, hunched under the weight of his age and the native shawl he preferred to wear. Cesar’s grandson, Aurelio, stood tall and disdainful by his side in a three-piece suit, with his hair done back in the traditional manner. Flanking the pair, Aurelio’s toadies, Antu and Apolo, loomed in modern haircuts and casual wear.

  The four stood on the walkway in front of Olivia’s Lexus.

  Cristobal instinctively started to step between Olivia and the men, but refrained at a small gesture from her. He knew his action would have been a grave insult, especially to an Elder and another man many considered to be the leading candidate to one day be Chief. On the other hand, he was well aware of Cesar’s hostility toward Chief Antonio and didn’t like this surprise encounter one bit. He also didn’t like the way Aurelio looked at his Chief’s niece.

  A glance over at Olivia revealed nothing of her own feelings about this unexpected meeting, and Cristobal knew all he could do was follow her lead.

  After a moment’s pause, she resumed walking and headed straight for the group of men who awaited them. Cristobal followed, his hands now still. Olivia approached the men with a brisk walk and stopped four feet from them, setting down the travel bag she had been carrying.

  “Elder?” She inclined her head respectfully, pointedly ignoring the other three. “You do me honor. How may I be of service to you?”

  “You can start,” Cesar rasped, “by explaining that ridiculous scene your uncle put on down here this morning. Exactly what kind of crazy plan has he come up with, and what does he hope to accomplish with these antics?”

  “Didn’t he state the objective of this mission in Council?”

  “He stated his intention to use Adam Sellars to gather intelligence on the Spider People,” the old man snapped, “not his plan. And speaking of this plan, did he come up with it or did you?”

  “I came up with the underlying theories the plan is based on, Elder. Chief Antonio then worked out the implementations. If you wish, I can do a write up of the mission plan and email it to you this evening. I’m afraid it won’t cover whatever last minute variations the Chief has added though. And of course, depending on the outcome of today’s venture, all those plans may come under drastic revision.”

  “And of course,” Aurelio sneered down his nose, “all of those plans involve you going up and joining him near the territory of the Spider People…recklessly endangering yourself and the future contributions you could make to the People.”

  Cristobal could tell by the way Aurelio leered that any contribution he hoped to get from Olivia had little to do with the People.

  What offended the young man most about the other’s attention on her was that he knew Aurelio would never harbor honorable intentions in regards to Olivia because of her mixed heritage. Her bloodlines made her completely inferior in the prospective chieftain’s eyes, despite her clearly superior intellect and poise.

  “Elder,” Olivia pointedly ignored the grandson, “I’m sure you appreciate how sensitive and fluid the situation is at the moment, especially in light of our recent discoveries concerning the possible reality of the Matriarch and the aggressive behavior of the Spider People. We felt it best this operation be conducted using minimal personnel, with the highest autonomy of decision making, so we could adapt swiftly to new developments and also keep sensitive information only at the highest levels.”

  “So sensitive he’s dressing up like a hippie lunatic and taking a complete outsider on the mission with him!” Aurelio tried again.

  “But,” Olivia continued, “in light of the Council’s concerns on this matter I shall definitely file a report and send copies to all Council members this evening. I can see the merit in keeping the relevant members of the People informed, and I’m sure Elders Alejandro, Marcus, and Delgado will want to be apprised of the situation as well.”

  Cristobal enjoyed watching Aurelio seethe at Olivia’s complete dismissal of his existence. The fact her current status as Chief Antonio’s second meant she actually outranked him, and could quite appropriately treat him this way, made the act that much more of a pleasure to watch. At the same time he knew Aurelio’s thin-skinned pride would never let him forgive her for this humiliation, and she was making a dangerous enemy.

  If Olivia noticed the hate in Aurelio’s eyes, she gave no indication. Instead she remained in a polite posture toward Cesar, awaiting his answer.

  “Very well,” the old man conceded after a pause, “send us your reports and keep us informed. But know this, and feel free to inform Antonio when you see him, the Council will be looking into the matter of who qualifies as appropriate personnel to take on dangerous missions in the future.”

  “Yes, Elder.”

  “And while I admire your loyalty to your uncle, I expect you to not let that get in the way of your judgment or your obligations to the People. You are important, Olivia, and your loss would be a great blow to us. Do not risk yourself unduly. Am I clear?”

  “Yes, Elder.”

  “Then that will be all.”

  “Yes, Elder.” Olivia inclined her head respectfully and stepped aside as the old man led the others past and headed for the exit hallway. Aurelio’s eyes lingered on her as he strode past, but she kept her gaze firmly fixed on the ground. With a sneer, he turned his attention forward and followed Cesar toward the elevator.

  Cristobal glared after them, resenting both their intrusion and their implied disrespect of Chief Antonio. But like Olivia, he kept his peace until their footsteps had faded down the hallway, and they heard the chime of the elevator. Then he turned to the young woman, his hands flashing.

  “It’s okay, Cristobal.” She moved to the trunk of her Lexus, opened it, and pulled out another bag. “I should have anticipated this. It really changes nothing, though.”

  The young man shoulder
ed the bag and signed another query at her.

  “Yes, for Cesar to move so openly suggests he feels strong in the Council. Since Marcus almost always supports him, we must assume either Delgado or Alejandro are wavering. On the other hand, if this operation succeeds then my uncle’s position will be secure and Cesar would have a hard time even getting support from Marcus against him.”

  Cristobal followed her over to his station wagon. It was a refurbished Chevrolet from the nineteen seventies. A big boat of a car, he had gotten it in anticipation of soon starting a family with Mariel. He handed over the keys with ceremonial solemnity, then helped her load all the bags in the back seat. After loading the last bag, he turned back to find she had her computer tablet out again.

  “I want you to take Mariel,” she said, her fingers flying over the tablet, “to San Antonio for the next three days. I’ll have reservations at the Marriott near the Riverwalk waiting. No, don’t worry about our rooms. Uncle Antonio is a big boy now and picking up the clothes he leaves lying around will be good for him. Besides, you may still be back before we are.”

  Cristobal stared morosely at the keys to the Lexus as she handed them to him.

  “I doubt Aurelio will forgive me soon for today’s encounter, and he will also be angry at you for witnessing it. It’s best to give him a few days to cool down, and there is little you can do for me over the next few days anyway. If I have need of you, I have your cell number and will text you.”

  The young man gave a wry shrug and gestured at her.

  “I will be fine.” Olivia walked around the front of the car and opened the driver’s door. “Chief Antonio will be waiting for me when I get there. He is an expert at these sort of operations, and can handle any eventualities that may arise.”

  ###

  “Aw, crap!” Antonio yelled.

  Adam looked over to see that the meat in the chopped BBQ sandwich Antonio just opened had slid out from between the buns and landed in a long saucy plop down the front of the man’s shirt.