by Auriane Bell
“I see,” Vivian said with a grin on his face.
“I’m not like you, who was able to forget about his past so easily. Stop meddling. I will not go to her. Not after what happened…”
The punch hit him hard in the face. Adrijan fought the anger that dwelled up inside him as he wiped away the blood from his lips. Vivian looked at him with cold, unforgiving eyes.
“Stop being such a fool!” he grunted. “I know what you have been through, but it was a long time ago. There is no salvation for those who dwell in the past. Get a grip and don’t pass up on the chance.”
“What chance...?” Adrijan muttered. He was annoyed at himself, knowing very well that his brother had never forgotten Magdala. The cruel words had escaped him nonetheless.
Vivian ignored him and massaged his fist. “You will travel to Traumstadt tomorrow to prepare Mairin’s and my visit. It’s time that I reminded the people that the immortal is more than a fairy tale.”
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“It might be dangerous, but I believe it is necessary to lure out the culprit.”
Adrijan nodded. “I will go in the morning.” He took a deep breath and let it out loudly. “But I won’t follow your request to see her.”
Vivian rewarded him with a glare.
“You will go to Mairin, not by your brother’s request but by your king’s order.”
Adrijan flinched. The past few centuries his brother had not once made use of his authority over him.
Upon her return Mairin had slipped into the nightgown that had been prepared by Hilda and told the maid that she was going to skip dinner. Usually she would have protested, but today she had only nodded and walked away. Had Alfred told her what had happened?
The luxurious bed was warm and comfortable but it was still too early for her to sleep. Mairin stared at the ceiling and tried to collect her thoughts. Vivian had suggested to her that she talked to Adrijan before his departure, but it seemed absolutely impossible now.
“Can I come up?”
Was that Adrijan’s voice?
“Oh… oh… of course,” Mairin mumbled and repeated her answer more loudly. In a rush she got out of bed and wrapped the shawl she used in the mornings around her shoulders. There was no time to get dressed. In her excitement she walked here and there, ending up next to the stairs and suddenly Adrijan stood in front of her, gazing at Mairin in surprise.
“You didn’t have to get up,” he said shyly. “I apologise for disturbing you. I will just leave you alone so you can rest.”
Adrijan turned around and Mairin panicked, grabbing his arm.
“No, don’t go,” she requested. “Won’t you take a seat?” Mairin almost dragged her guest over to the chairs at the fireplace. The fire was still lit and spread its warmth.
“I have come to apologise,” Adrijan said once he was seated.
“There is no need for you to do that. I am sorry for bringing you into such a situation.”
Her visitor forced a smile, making Mairin feel awkward. It was difficult to share her thoughts.
“Actually, I’m not sorry for doing what I did.” Her voice was thin and she cleared her throat. “I just wish you wouldn’t have rejected me.”
Adrijan didn’t answer and continued gazing at her. What was she saying? It wasn’t right to force herself on a priest. Could the situation get anymore awkward?
“For a moment I forgot about your profession,” she explained. “And I had to fulfil the bet after all.”
“The bet?”
Mairin realised that nobody had told him about it and made up for it now, hoping that he wouldn’t leave right away after hearing the story. Against her expectations he waited patiently until she had finished.
“Why did you suggest something like that?”
“I didn’t want to take music lessons and after the past weeks I was certain you wouldn’t show up.” Mairin paused. “It was silly, but I thought that in case you did come anyway I’d at least be comforted by seeing you again. That was… before Vivian added the kiss to the conditions.”
“And you decided to choose me for your punishment.”
“But it wasn’t a punishment anymore after Vivian gave me the chance to choose you.” Mairin blushed. “At least it wasn’t until…” She left the sentence unfinished.
The girl was trying hard to convey her feelings to him and even though he was so much older than her he couldn’t get himself to talk to her openly. It was pathetic.
“I’m sorry,” he said once again.
Several strands had loosened from her neatly braided hair and he couldn’t help but notice that Mairin looked pretty, blushing in the scarce but warm light of the fireplace. What would spending time with her be like now, if he had accepted her kiss? She couldn’t possibly know how sorry he really was.
Mairin slightly inclined her head to the side, looking as if she were trying to read his mind. After a few moments she leant back in the chair and started to talk, gazing into the flames.
“I have two younger brothers and an older sister. Our family was never wealthy but we also weren’t poor. Mother and father loved each other very much and Renga and I were happy when they told us that we would gain another family member. I was only six years old when my mother gave birth to twins.”
Telling him about her past had turned her eyes watery. Mairin continued to speak, but her voice was trembling.
“Mother died that night and everything changed. Renga was twelve then and with the help of a friendly woman living next door raised the twins as if they were her own. Of course I tried to help as well but I was too young to do much.”
Adrijan continued listening, keeping from her that he knew most of what had happened in her youth.
“Father often got drunk. Sometimes he beat us when we tried to protect the boys. I think he despised them, blaming them for mother’s death and perhaps he hated us as well for reminding him of her. Still, he supported us financially at least.”
Adrijan only knew part of this story, but also some things Mairin wasn’t aware of.
“I knew your father,” he admitted in a low voice.
“How? Were you one of his students?”
Adrijan shook his head and decided to be honest with her. If she had feelings for him then they would be crushed by what he was going to reveal to her.
“I caused his death.”
He could see on her face that she had soon dismissed the possibility that he was speaking the truth.
“How would you have done that? Father died of natural causes. He never got over mother’s death and in the end his dark mood and the drinking must have been too much for him.”
“Mairin… has Vivian showed the hourglass to you?” Adrijan was careful with his questions.
“Mhm, today in the winter garden after you had left. But what he said can’t possibly be true!”
The girl was getting agitated and Adrijan was afraid he had said too much. Still, the truth wouldn’t become better just by keeping it hidden.
“Do you remember a priest visiting your father?”
“Hmm…vaguely. I only remember because I thought he looked scary. You see, his hair was-” Mairin’s eyes widened. “He had the same peculiar hair as you,” she whispered. “But the priest was a grown-up.” She shook her head. “It couldn’t have been you then.”
“Mairin…”
“It couldn’t...”
“I’m a lot older than I look.”
Mairin gazed at him unbelievingly. “How…?”
“I’m almost as old as Vivian. I think I may be only two or three years younger than him.”
Mairin tensed, clutching at the armrests of the chair.
“Please calm down.” His words sounded to her like spoken in a dream. Mairin felt slightly sick and dizzy. Adrijan had gotten up from the chair and gently eased her grip.
“Calm down,” he repeated and led her to the bed where she slipped under the blanket like a will-less puppet. It took a few
moments until she had recovered from the shock and when she did, she realised that she had started to believe what they had told her.
“Do you want me to leave and fetch Hilda?” Adrijan sounded concerned.
Mairin shook her head and sat up in bed, leaning against the back rest. She was shivering, even though she had drawn the blanket up to her chin.
“Will you tell me everything?” Mairin was scared of the truth, but she felt that she would become insane if she had to stay at Mondstein castle without knowing the secrets of its inhabitants.
“Everything?” Adrijan nervously grabbed some pillows and started piling them up around Mairin as if he were trying to build a fortress for her. He had noticed her shivering and had started the process without thinking.
“I would like to know who you are.”
Mairin’s words hit him worse than the knife her attacker had thrown. Was it alright to tell her his story?
“Where would you want me to start?”
Was she only interested in her father’s death or did she want to find out more about him? Adrijan wasn’t certain which was preferable. The outcome would probably be the same.
“About 700 years ago,” she replied.
Adrijan sat down at the foot of the bed and took a deep breath before he started to speak. This was going to be another long, long night.
“Only Vivian knows about my past and honestly I dislike talking about it.”
Mairin wanted to tell him not to force himself after all but Adrijan raised his hand before she could.
“I will do my best… for you.”
She felt silly noticing what kind of impact the choice of his words had on her mood.
“First off you must understand though, that memories can slightly change over time. Your brain adjusts them, adding one thing or the other without you realising it. For example I wouldn’t be able to tell you what I did on my 103rd birthday or who I spent it with. I might have been alone but perhaps I added Vivian to my memory because he has been with me for so long. Some of the images that appear in your head might actually be influenced by paintings or photographs that helped you to remember certain incidents or they might have also been modified by hearing the accounts of others. Anyway, the core of what I’m going to tell you is the truth as far as I can tell and hopefully won’t contain details my brain made up over the centuries.”
Adrijan paused. He seemed nervous.
“I’m sorry… was that confusing?”
Mairin shook her head. There were books she had read and she could have sworn that she had discussed them with Renga, if she hadn’t known that by the time she had held them in her hands, her sister had already been out of reach for her. Perhaps she had talked to her in her thoughts and her mind had turned it into reality.
“700 years is a long time. My memories have started to resemble a nightmare – and then again they are entirely different. Unlike a dream, memories have more power over you. It may feel like you’re remembering someone else’s experiences, but inside you’re shaken and before you know it, part of you has turned into the frightened child you once were. The pain you felt then is revived and although somewhat isolated by the time that has passed – it’s real. It’s similar to feeling sorry for someone else and then realising the person you feel sorry for is actually you.”
Adrijan cleared his throat.
“Hmm... now where to begin... ah- Maybe it would be best to tell you about my mother first. She was from a poor family and her parents died young. With some luck she was accepted as a servant to Mondstein castle which differed greatly from the Mondstein castle you know. For as long as Vivian’s father ruled, it was a dark and cold place, lacking compassion and benevolence. You see, the king was a cruel and self-loving man. He treated his wife badly and like it wasn’t uncommon back then regularly cheated on her, fathering countless bastards.”
Mairin watched Adrijan nervously play with his hands. Vivian surely seemed to share his father’s pastime, with the exception that he at least wasn’t married at the time and if one could believe him, he also had a reason for his behaviour.
“I can’t remember my mother’s face clearly anymore but I was told she was very pretty. I’ve inherited this peculiar hair colour from her, a trait that made her stand out and, counting myself, never brought her anything good.”
“So… the king… he…?” Was she making the right assumptions?
“I’m not certain if it was him or one of the noblemen who… raped her. Whenever I asked, my mother insisted that I was the king’s son, but of course he never acknowledged me and in the end it didn’t matter whose bastard I was. As soon as they found out that my mother was with child she was removed from the castle by the queen’s order – like many of the king’s victims before her – and she had a hard time fighting herself through. I can’t even imagine how, but against all odds she managed to stay alive and eventually gave birth to me.
Despite her efforts, life didn’t treat her any more kindly after the ordeal. I was too small to be of use to anyone and still required my mother’s attention, so nobody wanted to take her into their service. In the end she had to sell her body to support our living. When I was a little older she would sometimes send me away to play on my own for a while and I remember the sad smile on her face even though everything else is blurred. Maybe it’s one of those things my mind made up.”
Again Adrijan paused. It was obvious how difficult it was for him to talk about his past.
“Only once I didn’t comply with her request. That’s why… I know what she was doing. Finding out made me regret that I hadn’t listened to her.
Years passed and as I grew older my activities weren’t limited to suffering and waiting anymore. Most of the day I’d spent begging for food and other necessities but sometimes I’d also play near the castle, suffering from the delusion that the king would one day approach me and recognise me as his son.”
His voice sounded bitter and Mairin suppressed the urge to comment.
“I met Vivian when I was playing near Mondstein castle. His garments were dirty and torn in some places but they were of a much higher quality than mine and the way he walked and talked alone was enough to make me realise that we were living in two different worlds. While I wasn’t certain whether I should avoid him or play with him, Vivian never seemed to care in the least that I wasn’t like him. We started to meet each other almost daily and whenever he could he’d bring some food and share it with me. He often claimed not to be very hungry and ate little, leaving most of what he had brought to me. Thanks to his excuses I was able to accept his gifts without having to feel bad for my poverty.”
Adrijan got up from the bed and started pacing up and down. Mairin followed him with her gaze.
“In the evening I’d usually meet up with my mother so we could share our food – if we had managed to get any. Not all people were heartless but times were harsh and most families had their hands full with keeping their own children from starving. After I had come to know Vivian I was able to spend a lot more time playing, since meeting him usually resulted in obtaining more food than I could have gotten by a whole day of begging. With his support – even though it was only the support of a child – it was easier for my mother and me to survive the cold seasons and finally summer approached and the nights outside were easier to bear. It lies in the peculiar nature of life though, that it gets better before it gets worse. First the drowning man is offered the saving hand, a hand that promises hope, and then at the last moment it is drawn back and all hope extinguished.”
Mairin was glad that Adrijan finally decided to sit down again. His own restlessness as well as the content of his talk had started to affect her.
“Do you still want me to continue or am I boring you?”
The question surprised her and she hastily shook her head.
“Not at all. Please continue, if it’s alright with you.”
Adrijan nodded but the way he was seated with the back towards her, she couldn’
t make out more than that. When he continued speaking, Mairin realised that his inquiry had been the last attempt to avoid telling her about an unpleasant memory.
“It was on a warm summer evening when my mother didn’t come to the appointed place. It had happened before so I wasn’t too worried at first. Even though we had gone through so much we had always survived somehow and I believed that it would remain that way. Especially after gaining Vivian’s help I had also gained hope and was inclined to believe life was changing for the better.
The daylight was fading away when I started to feel nervous about my mother’s absence. She had come back with bruises before and then the quiet behaviour that had made her appear more dead than alive had always unsettled me. Still, I waited, hoping she would come, but when the moon was clearly visible in the sky and she hadn’t shown up I decided to go look for her. Usually we would camp outside town to avoid people and I was forbidden to go back on my own at night, but I saw no choice but to disobey and search for her. I walked about for hours, carrying the bag with food yet ignoring my hunger. It’s strange that I remember that day so well. Perhaps it’s because I dreamt of it often. The search consisting of panic and fear, dark and mostly empty streets, the shapes of strangers with expressionless faces and the important purpose that drives me.”
Adrijan fell silent and after a few minutes Mairin was wondering if he was going to continue to speak.
“Did you find her?” she finally dared to ask.
“I found her dead in an alleyway, covered with bruises and hardly recognisable in the faint light. Her clothes were torn. I knelt down next to her and tried to cover her with the rags. I embraced her and cried until morning.”
Mairin swallowed hard.
“Someone found me like that and I was thrown out of town together with my mother’s body.”
“They didn’t…” Mairin mumbled aghast.
“Besides my mother, Vivian was the only person that I trusted so I left her behind with a heavy heart to ask him for help.”
