In Her Words (A St. Skin Novel): a bad boy new adult romance novel

by London Casey

  I looked up and saw people coming out of the back of the bar.

  I had to get the hell out of there.

  My mind started to breakdown a little, too. Seeing Matthew on the ground, damn near in a fetal position, almost in tears. He would have to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. Even if he tried to be tough and say he didn’t feel guilt, I saw it in his eyes. He felt guilt.

  That was good enough for me.

  I turned and walked to my motorcycle. I got on and got out of there. My motorcycle thundering into the night. The past was finally behind me. I did all I could for Scarlett. Her memory would live on in the blue eyes of Paisley.

  Now I had to protect and love my daughter and Diem.

  I had something else brewing in my mind.

  Something that would finalize the notion of family.

  A proposal for Diem …

  Diem

  NOW

  I walked through the front door of St. Skin, holding Paisley, and there was a barrage of yells and clapping. There was a bunch of tattooed and pierced grown men all standing there, cheering for Paisley. She had no clue that it was all for her, but it meant the world to me.

  There were pink streamers hung from the ceiling that stretched wall to wall. Everything was decorated in pink animals and was plastered with the number one.

  I covered my mouth, ready to burst into tears.

  I thought Paisley’s first birthday was going to come and go like it didn’t matter, but Cass made sure that didn’t happen.

  Everyone formed a misshaped line and they all wanted to see and hug and kiss Paisley. I knew most of them and they were all friends to me. No, better yet—they were all family.

  “This is for the little one,” Tate said as he slipped me a birthday card. “Don’t let Cass see it. He’ll spend the money on whiskey.”

  There was a little table set up with a stack of presents.

  A highchair right in front of the glass counter, covered in pink with a big number one balloon tied to the back of it.

  And Cass stood next to the highchair, arms crossed, muscle flexed, a cocky grin on his face. He knew he had pulled off something that meant the world to me. I blinked fast as I walked his daughter to him.

  He took her from my arms and put her up in the air. He twisted her left to right saying Happy Birthday, pretty girl! and my heart damn near exploded into pieces.

  I touched the string of the balloon and sucked in another breath.

  “I can’t believe all of this,” I said.

  “It’s our girl’s first birthday,” Cass said. He slipped an arm around me and pulled me close. He kissed my cheek. “She deserves the best. I mean I know it’s a tattoo shop full of crazy guys …”

  “No, it’s perfect,” I said. “It’s right where I want it to be. This is home, Cass. For all of us. My house is officially on the market as of today. I meant what I said to you. I want to live here with you. With Paisley. This is—this is our family. Our daughter.”

  There, I finally had the courage to speak the words that been haunting me for such a long time.

  Our daughter.

  My daughter.

  I was Paisley’s mother.

  Yeah, I would have a life of conversation with Paisley about her birth mother, but that was okay. I could handle that when the time came. And when she wanted to weep for her fallen birth mother, I would be there to hold her. To love her. To guide her through the pain, grief, and questions.

  And Cass would be right there with me.

  “Our daughter,” Cass said.

  The three of us hugged as the party continued behind us.

  I put Paisley in the highchair.

  Cass was right there with me, hands all over me. The guys from the shop all gathered around the highchair.

  “Where’s Danielle?” Cass asked.

  Tate stuck his fingers into his mouth and whistled.

  “That’s how he gets women,” Prick said with a grin.

  “You want to say that to my face?” Tate asked.

  “Easy now,” Axel said. “No fighting at a kid’s party.”

  “Wouldn’t be the first for me,” Prick said.

  “Excuse me,” a voice called out.

  The group split and there was Danielle, holding the cake. It was small, round, lots of pink and black. A skull in the middle of the cake. For a split second I thought about yelling at Cass. But I saw the smile on his face. And it also helped that the skull had a pink hair clip, which made it look insanely adorable.

  Cass took the cake from Danielle. “Got the candle? A lighter?”

  “Check and check,” Danielle said.

  She put a number one candle into the cake and then lit it.

  The cake sat in front of Paisley. Her little hands were already eager to go to town on it.

  I crouched down and kept her hands from grabbing at the tiny flame.

  “Sing it, boys,” Cass said before he glanced at Danielle. “And girl.”

  The entire group broke out into Happy Birthday. There were some sights in life I’d never forget, including the entire party itself. But watching these rough and tough men, pierced and tattooed, ready to drink and fight, singing to my little girl, that was just something that struck me hard.

  I looked up at Cass with my eyes glossed over.

  I couldn’t believe how far we’d come. It had been merely a dream almost to find Cass and see what would happen. Now we were a family.

  Just as the song came to an end, the door to St. Skin opened.

  “Sorry I’m late,” a voice called out.

  I looked and saw Susie standing there.

  I gasped and that’s when the tears came.

  Cass crouched and said, “I knew you couldn’t have a party without her. She helped you out a lot, darlin’. She’s part of our family too.”

  “Cass …”

  Paisley reached forward and slapped a hand to the cake.

  “Yeah!” Prick yelled and whistled.

  “Let’s blow out the candle together,” Cass said.

  On three, we blew out the number one candle and everyone clapped.

  I took the candle from the cake and we all stood around and watched as Paisley had herself some fun. Smacking her hands into the icing. Licking her fingers. Wiping the cake on her face.

  I hurried to Susie. I hugged her tight and thanked her for coming to the party.

  “I wouldn’t miss it,” Susie said. “I couldn’t believe when Cass called me. That’s one very persistent man you’ve got there.”

  I looked at Cass. Crouched next to Paisley. She wiped cake on his face and he licked it off, making stupid noises to make her smile. He was fucking beautiful. Not just any man either, but he was my man.

  “Yeah, he’s something else,” I said.

  I took a step, wanting to go to my man and my daughter. That really felt good to think, say in my mind, and believe.

  But that’s when the door opened behind me. I turned and saw a police officer walking into the shop.

  For a second, I felt like my heart had stopped.

  Then Tate called out, “Jonesy! You made it.”

  Cass stood and gave a wave. “Hey, Jonesy. Thanks for coming.”

  I let out a sigh of relief, but it was short lived.

  The second Jonesy got within reach of Cass, he grabbed his right arm. “Cass, I have to arrest you.”

  Cass

  NOW

  I swung my arm free and put a hand to Jonesy’s chest. “What did you say?”

  “Listen to me,” he growled. “Don’t make this hard. Just listen to me. There’s a warrant for your arrest. You have to come with me. I don’t want anyone else to pick you up.”

  “What’s happening?” Diem asked.

  To my left, my daughter in her highchair, covered in her birthday cake, looking up at me. All around me, my friends—my brothers—they were looking at me.

  “Wait a second,” I said. “A warrant? For what?”

  “Assault,” Jo
nesy said.

  “Assault?”

  I looked at Diem and I felt like someone punched me in the gut.

  Matthew.

  I looked at Jonesy again. “Let me walk out of here on my own, man. You know me. This is my daughter’s birthday party.”

  “Just don’t do anything stupid. I’m your only hope right now.”

  Jonesy walked to the door and waited for me.

  I reached for Diem’s hand and pulled her close to me. I looked around and gave a nod to Tate. He slapped his hands together and got everyone to break up. The entire party had taken a sick and twisted turn.

  “Cass, what’s happening right now?” Diem asked.

  “I’m so sorry, darlin’. I have to go with Jonesy. There’s a warrant for me.”

  “A warrant? For what?”

  My stomach was sick. My heart was heavy. “I did my own research, Diem. On Scarlett.”

  “What?”

  “I couldn’t let it go. I’m sorry. It just burned in me. The mother of my daughter was killed. I had to find my closure with that. I really did. So I found the guy who did it. Jonesy helped me.”

  “You found?” Diem’s chin quivered. “You said ‘the mother of my daughter’. So what am I then? Am I just a fill in?”

  “Jesus, Diem, no,” I said. “I found the guy. He was drunk at a bar. He was trying to drive. So I stopped him. I hit him. Okay? I could have goddamn killed him. But I held back. I swear, I held back. I thought about you. I thought about Paisley. You two are my world. My life.”

  I tried to touch Diem’s arms and she swung, breaking away. I reached again and she let out a whimpering cry and slapped me across the face. Jonesy stepped forward and I put a hand out, keeping him away.

  “I’m mad at you,” Diem said. She blinked, tears rolling down her cheeks. “You love her. You still love her.”

  “She gave me Paisley,” I said. “But so did you. I had to see him, Diem. Face him. Speak my mind. But the second I got there and got close to him—it meant nothing.”

  “But you hit him,” Diem said. “For her.”

  “Yeah, I did. For her. And for her.” I pointed to Paisley. “For all the conversations we’re going to have with her. For all the uncomfortable feelings you have, Diem. For—”

  Diem swung again and hit me harder in the face. This was a full punch. It stung like hell. She yelped in pain and grabbed her hand. She looked at Paisley and broke down crying.

  I threw my arms around her, hugging her. “I swear, Diem, I love you. I’ll never forget Scarlett but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”

  “Cass, we have to go,” Jonesy called out. “If they send a car down here for you, I can’t help you.”

  “Please look at me,” I said to Diem, ignoring Jonesy.

  Diem threw an elbow at me. I let her go and she jumped at Susie. The woman hugged her, gave me a warning look, and I stood there. I felt empty inside.

  I looked down at Paisley.

  “Come on,” Jonesy said, now behind me, grabbing at my wrist again.

  “I love you, pretty girl,” I whispered to Paisley. “I won’t lose you. Nothing can keep me away.”

  Jonesy pulled at me.

  I had to go with him.

  I turned and walked to the door, leaving St. Skin with what was left of my ripped-up pride. Jonesy cuffed me and put me in the back of his cruiser.

  I looked out the window and into the big window of St. Skin.

  I saw Tate standing there, a hand on Diem’s shoulder.

  The birthday streamers hanging all around.

  I fucking ruined my daughter’s first birthday. And I broke Diem’s heart.

  “I’m sorry, Cass,” Jonesy said as he started to drive. “It’s better if I get you in than someone else.”

  I simply nodded.

  I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry to everyone.

  Diem

  ALMOST A YEAR AGO

  I had plenty to cry about in life. But hearing the whines from Paisley in the upstairs nursery while I sat on the edge of the couch, hands in my face, trying to make sense of everything—that was what finally broke me.

  I was left in a state of complete shock since Scarlett’s death. The world paused but only for a split second. Then it was thrown back into a whirlwind, going even faster than normal. From the viewing to the funeral to becoming a mother to Paisley. Sitting in a funeral home with Paisley in a car seat on the floor. Meeting with lawyers, hearing legal mumbo-jumbo thrown at me, nodding when I had no idea what I was being told.

  It didn’t matter how young Paisley was, she knew something was wrong. And she was sad. She lost her mother. And I was the one to pick up all the pieces.

  Paisley cried even louder, a throat screaming kind of crying.

  I stood up and rushed to the steps.

  Not only did I become Paisley’s mother but I also had to endure everyone telling me how to raise her. How to feed her. How to change her. How to get her to sleep. So much advice it was overwhelming.

  In the nursery I lifted Paisley and cradled her in my arms.

  It took her ten minutes of red faced crying to finally start to calm.

  I rocked her left to right, soothing her. My body was tired. My heart was tired. But I loved the baby in my arms. From the day she was born, I loved her. It was a strange thing. Being in the delivery room and watching her come into the world. The doctors put her on Scarlett’s chest but handed her to me first when she was cleaned up. The second I held her, I fell in love.

  “It’s going to be okay,” I whispered to Paisley. “I don’t know how right now, but it’s going to be okay. I’ll never leave you. I’ll never give up on you. I’ll never not love you. We’re in this mess together. This is our life now. You and me, Paisley. You and me.”

  I repeated that in my head a million times.

  I put her down again and this time she slept peacefully.

  Back downstairs all I wanted to do was drink a glass of wine and cry. I skipped the wine and went for the tears. Sitting at the dining room table, a memory popped into my head.

  The night my parents died. Someone saved me that night. Someone carried me from my bed to the front yard. That someone disappeared into the night. Everyone thought I was crazy. Everyone said that I woke up and left the house on my own. That I did the right thing by going to safety. A doctor told me I made up the mystery figure as a way to cope with my parents’ death. But that was a lie.

  He was real. He was there. He saved me.

  I wept and buried my hands in my face.

  Where was he now? Why did he leave me then?

  More than anything, I wished there was a way he could come save me again.

  Cass

  NOW

  It was a month since the birthday debacle. My communication with Diem was down to text messages, setting up times that I could visit Paisley. My daughter hadn’t been to my house overnight since the night before her birthday. A few times, Diem wasn’t even with Paisley. Susie drove her.

  That’s what did it for me.

  I was finishing up a tattoo when Prick appeared in the doorway and said a “suit and tie” was out front looking for me.

  The charges with Matthew were dropped. Jonesy saved my ass by tossing me into jail for the night. I faced a judge, pleaded my case, and lawyered up. I refused to think I bought my way out of something, but rather had the chance to speak my side of the story about Scarlett’s death. I had the chance to face Matthew again and he was the one who pulled away. I promised to never go near the fucking guy again in my life. The only thing I could do was hope he would never get into a vehicle while loaded up and kill someone else.

  “I’ll be there in a few,” I said to Prick.

  With the latest tattoo completed, I stretched my neck and flexed my hands. It had been a long day. I rarely had days where I wasn’t feeling it, but today was one of them. The tattoo came out the way my client wanted it. One look in the mirror and the way his face lit up made the day all worth the hassle.
/>   We shook hands and he went out front to settle up his bill.

  I stood in my office for a few minutes. My mirror was lined with pictures of Paisley. I knew I fucked up. Going after Matthew like that was a really stupid thing to do. But it was my closure and it was now officially closed.

  I just didn’t want to lose Diem over it.

  In the reflection of the mirror I saw Prick appear again, this time with the suit and tie.

  “Cass,” Prick said.

  I turned and nodded. “Come on in.”

  The lawyer entered my office and shut the door. “Cass, good to see you again.”

  “Harry.” I shook his hand. “Here to bring me good news or bad news?”

  “That old stuff is settled,” Harry said. “I have new stuff for you.”

  He took out a stack of papers.

  “Paperwork,” I said. “And you charge by the page, huh?”

  “I have kids to feed,” Harry said with a sly grin.

  I shook my head. “I never thought fighting and getting laid would cost me so much money.”

  “That’s one way to put it,” Harry said. He took out a pen and clicked it. “Keep your fists and your dick put away then.”

  He presented me with the pen.

  I looked down at the paperwork. I called him a couple nights ago, drunk, demanding he get all of this in order for me. That was when Diem refused to take my call. And when she did, she called me a drunk asshole and hung up. The only way I knew how to get at her was with this. I didn’t want to call it going after Paisley but that’s really what it was. I was her father. I had my rights to care for her.

  “How’s this going to affect Diem?” I asked.

  “We take it to court, Cass,” Harry said. “I know you’re a good man in all of this. If everything is sided with you, then you and her can make any arrangement you want. Legally, you are Paisley’s father. Diem is not—”

  I waved a hand. “No. I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to hear a person say that Diem isn’t Paisley’s mother. Okay?”

  “That’s not how it’s going to be viewed,” Harry said. “It’s going to be down to facts.”

  “Fuck the facts,” I snapped.

  Harry clicked the pen again and put it down. “Okay. So you’re not going to sign this.”

  “Diem is Paisley’s mother.”

  “Not in the eyes of the legal system, Cass. I get what you’re saying. I respect it. I think it’s amazing what she’s done. You too. Right? But if you want to take this in front of a judge …”