by Leta Blake
Ren left to carry out the orders, and as they waited for the ice to appear, Urho began to chant prayers to wolf-god—old fashioned prayers, the kind that Xan hadn’t heard since he was a small child. It didn’t soothe him.
Ending one prayer, Urho turned to Xan and implored, “Go now. Do as I’ve asked. There’s no way for you to help here.”
Xan nodded, his eyes straying back to Janus’s clammy, chalky face. “Come with me, Caleb.”
“He needs me here,” Caleb said, smoothing another cold, damp cloth over Janus’s feverish forehead. “I can’t leave him alone.”
“Urho will be with him.”
Caleb ignored him.
Xan kissed his omega’s forehead and left him hovering over Janus with Urho. He couldn’t help by hovering too. He returned to the house and followed Urho’s orders to a tee, and then checked in on Jason and Vale in their rooms.
The rest of the night was a whirlwind of confusion. Liddy Bainson, a local doctor, agreed to be on call for either Vale or Janus, should Urho come down with the illness, or should Vale go into labor while Janus remained ill.
Jason and Vale were on edge, but after the beta servants cleaned all the surfaces in the dining room and entry hall, they relaxed enough to come down and have a snack to make up for their interrupted dinner.
Urho joined Xan in his bed that night after taking a shower and dousing himself in an antiseptic lotion, looking exhausted. He held Xan close and scented along his neck and shoulders. “You smell healthy,” he said. “Stay that way.”
“I’ll try.”
“Have you called your father?”
“I couldn’t get through to anyone. There was no answer at the house at all.” Xan tried not to let on how much that terrified him.
“You should go to the city. Tomorrow.”
“Perhaps.” Xan wanted to go, but he didn’t want to make a mistake. With so much happening all at once, he didn’t know the right thing to do. He hoped a good night’s sleep would clarify that for him. “Where’s Caleb?” He hadn’t heard him go into his room or use the bathroom in their adjoining hallway.
“He’s stubborn,” Urho said.
“He is,” Xan agreed, twining his fingers into Urho’s. His heart ached and his nerves sang anxiously. “I think he loves him.”
“I think he might,” Urho agreed, dropping a kiss on Xan’s head. “Does that hurt you?”
“No.”
“Do you fear he’ll leave you for him?”
“I don’t know.”
Urho sighed. “Janus is a very sick man.”
Xan tightened his grip on Urho’s fingers. “I hope he doesn’t die.”
“Funny, the last time you saw him, you hoped he’d be hit by a train.”
“Yes,” Xan whispered, swallowing thickly. “But I didn’t want him to die.”
“I know,” Urho said gently. “This thing with him and Caleb…”
“I don’t know,” Xan murmured. “We’ll have to wait and see.”
“Caleb loves you.”
“Yes.” Xan sighed and tucked in against Urho. “But we both know that love comes in different forms—philia, agape, eros. I don’t know what form his love for Janus takes.”
“Not eros.”
“No.” Xan sighed. “But there are levels to all those kinds of love. Take philia—brotherly love. I don’t love my neighbor as I love my best friend. It might be that he loves Janus more deeply than he loves me.”
Urho snuggled him close. “He loves you,” Urho repeated again. “No matter how he’s feeling now, Janus could be no competition for you.”
Xan thought Urho’s affection for him made him biased. But he didn’t protest. He simply closed his eyes and let exhaustion wash them both out into an anxious, tossing sea of sleep.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
“What do we know about the local hospital?” Vale asked the next morning over breakfast, cradling his stomach nervously. To Jason’s pride and Urho’s satisfaction, it had grown greatly over the last week or two. He was now obviously quite pregnant at even a glance.
“For you or for him?” Urho asked, rubbing his bleary eyes.
It’d been a long night. After Xan had fallen asleep, Urho had gotten out of bed, dressed, and left the main house to pace the hallway of the detached wing. He’d listened for Janus’s cough, monitoring it lest it grew much worse, and tried very hard not to overhear the quiet words Caleb shared with him.
But he hadn’t been able to miss everything.
Like one exchange that had troubled him all morning:
“Promise that you’ll forgive me,” Janus begged during a brief period of consciousness. “Promise, Caleb.”
“I do forgive you, Janus. I promise. Now be quiet and rest.”
“I love you. It’s always been you.”
Caleb released a choked sound.
“All the rest were…” Janus coughed violently.
“Shh. Rest. Sleep. Heal.”
“They weren’t you. None of them were you, Caleb.”
“Janus…”
“Tell me you love me too.”
“I did care about you once—”
Janus cried, “Can’t you even lie to a man on his death bed?”
“You’re not dying,” Caleb whispered furiously. “Now shut your mouth and sleep.”
Medicine had been delivered to the house from the pharmacy first thing in the morning, and Janus was resting more easily now. Well enough that Urho didn’t mind leaving him to shower again, wipe down with the antiseptic lotion, and then eat breakfast with his very worried alpha-shaped omega and their nervous friends.
Caleb had refused to leave Janus. He’d declared that Ren would bring a plate for him when he brought the ginger broth Urho had prescribed for Janus. Urho had agreed to this only if Caleb promised to also drink the lemon, pepper, and ginger tea, and to wash up regularly, coating his hands with the antiseptic lotion.
Xan picked at his food, pushing it around the plate, his mind clearly elsewhere. Urho wondered if Xan had gotten through to his parents this morning. Xan had been holed up in his office until breakfast, as far as Urho knew, while he’d been so busy dealing with the patient and handling the hygiene orders for the servants.
“Are you listening?” Jason asked gently.
Urho blinked at him. “I’m sorry?”
“Never mind. You look exhausted.” Jason went back to his breakfast, always able to pack away more food than Urho could manage in a full day.
Xan sat upright, tense, and radiating silent anxiety. Xan didn’t meet his gaze, still focused on shoving around his eggs. Urho took a long swallow of his coffee, smiled at Jason, and said, “Forgive me. I’m tired. But please, ask the question again?”
“I’d wondered if you’d spoken with the local hospital and whether they had a place for Janus there. Obviously we want you to deliver the baby, not a stranger at the hospital.”
“Jason would lose his mind,” Vale whispered, sipping his prescribed tea—the same that Urho was forcing down every gullet in the house—and looking quite pale with worry.
“Don’t fret,” Urho encouraged him. “It’s all going to be fine.”
Xan’s fork banged against his plate, but he said nothing.
“So the hospital will take him?” Jason asked.
“No.” Urho sighed. It would have been so much easier for him if they had, but he couldn’t fault their reasoning. “They’ve asked us to keep him here. He’s contagious and the hospital is small. They’d endanger their already weak patients bringing him in. So, with him in the detached wing and all of you drinking strengthening tea and practicing good hygiene, we should get along just fine with him here.” Urho hoped that was true.
“Especially since you’re a doctor,” Xan said with a heavy sigh. He shoved away from the table, flopping back in his chair miserably. He stared up at the ceiling with a pinched brow.
“What are you going to do about your family?” Urho asked gently.
Jason stop
ped eating, and Vale went very still, both of them wearing expressions of concern.
“I spoke to my father’s assistant,” Xan snarled, obviously stung that his father hadn’t come to the phone to talk with him directly. But if his pater really was sick, then it was unlikely Doxan Heelies would leave his Érosgápe for any reason. Even to talk with his only alpha son. “He says Ray has taken a turn for the worse and Pater is…” His voice gave out on him, and he sat forward enough to take a sip of his water. Then he simply shook his head and said no more.
“You should go to them,” Jason urged, his blue eyes wide and earnest. “You were always your pater’s favorite. If he’s that sick, you shouldn’t risk remaining estranged.”
Xan swallowed spasmodically and his voice sounded tight. “Father ordered me to stay away.”
“Your father is an asshole—and worse, he’s wrong,” Jason spat. “He’s kept you from your pater this entire year and for what? Because he’s always been jealous of you, that’s why.”
“No…” Xan flushed red, and Urho wanted to reach across the table to protect him from whatever he was about to confess. “It’s because of the rumors.”
“There have always been rumors,” Jason said, waving it all aside. “He’s jealous of how your pater adores you. Érosgápe can be unreasonably possessive even against their own children sometimes.”
Vale rubbed his stomach thoughtfully again, a frown marring his forehead.
“Don’t worry,” Jason said, placing a hand on Vale’s belly too. “I won’t be like that.”
“I hope not.”
Xan rolled his eyes and snapped, “Fine. Maybe my father is a jerk. Not everyone has perfect parents like yours, or a pater so accepting of perversions.”
Jason’s eyes gleamed smartly. “Your pater has never given a single wolf-goddamn about what you do in bed and you know it.” He pointed at Xan with his fork. “He caught us that time when I was staying at your house while my parents went to the beach alone. He pretended he saw nothing.”
Xan squirmed in his seat, his cheeks growing even redder. “Don’t talk about that!”
“We all know about you and Jason,” Vale said calmly. “You two don’t have to pretend it never happened. Urho and I used to fuck too. As everyone here is aware.”
Urho shot Vale a silencing glance as Xan scrubbed at his face. Vale rolled his eyes.
“Yes, let’s all stop pretending now,” Jason agreed, his jaw set in that stubborn way Urho was all too familiar with from Jason’s early days of courting Vale. “And let’s stop pretending that the reason you didn’t catch the first train this morning was because you want to respect your father’s wishes. The truth is, you’re scared to face him.”
Xan’s angry, hot eyes flashed at Jason as he clenched his fists. He opened and shut his mouth, like he was looking for the right retort, but his expression crumpled. He covered his face with his balled up fists, hiding. “Maybe I am. How many times have you confronted the possibility of losing everything?”
“Xan…” Jason said tenderly. “I didn’t mean… Look, you know what I’m saying is basically true.”
Urho suspected it was entirely true. After all, Jason knew Xan’s family well and interacted with his father and pater even more often than Xan did these days. He had every reason to have a good grip on the family dynamics.
Just then, Zephyr stalked into the dining room and sniffed the air delicately before turning around and marching right back out. Urho realized he hadn’t seen her in days. Xan probably envied her ability to disappear whenever things got uncomfortable for her. No doubt he’d love to crawl into a hidey-hole somewhere right about now.
But Jason was right—at least about Xan needing to go see his pater and brother. Fantasies of escape must be pushed aside. The all-too-real world demanded he step up into it.
“Pater always said that if Father found out or suspected the truth about me there’d be hell to pay for both of us,” Xan whispered from behind his fists. “And he was right. He gave us both hell to pay by keeping us apart this year.”
“So what? You’re a grown alpha now,” Jason said. The future father in him was easy to see in his determined face. “Take it from me—our parents think they know what’s best for us long after they no longer actually do.”
Xan stopped hiding. “What do you recommend then, oh Mighty One of Great Knowledge? Just show up on the doorstep and hope Joon lets me in?”
“Yes! Take charge of this situation and your life.” Jason was getting fired up now, and he leaned forward over his food, his eyes bright and his voice ringing with certainty. “Show up on their doorstep and demand to be let in. You’re Xan Heelies, Doxan’s heir and only alpha son. You have rights. For wolf-god’s sake, demand them!”
Xan swallowed again, but this time his chin came up. He met Urho’s gaze, and Urho nodded at him. Jason was correct. Xan had rights.
“Go see your pater,” Jason said more gently. “If he gets better, then no harm is done beyond enraging your father. Hey, you do that easily enough without even trying.” Jason’s voice went even softer, and yet the sobering possibility attached to his words surely dug into every heart at the table. “If your pater doesn’t get better, then you didn’t miss your chance.”
Vale rubbed his stomach and frowned down at it. Urho was familiar with that look from his years of dealing with pregnant omegas. Vale was no doubt wondering who, exactly, was growing in his body, and what grief this child might cause him in the future. Urho hated to break it to him, but there was no way to tell. It was part of life’s ever-evolving mystery.
His own father and pater, both religious and devout, would be horrified by what he did with and felt for Xan. He was no doubt far from the offspring they’d hoped for when he’d grown in his pater’s stomach. That was the way of life.
“You make it sound so easy,” Xan said, shoving his plate away. “I’d be risking Father’s wrath, which isn’t an easy thing to endure. Not only that, but I’d be risking losing my inheritance entirely. He’s threatened already to give it over to Janus. Look, I’ve been banned from visiting the city and specifically banned from coming to see pater and Ray.”
“Oh? Did he tell you himself today on the phone?” Vale asked quietly. “That you’ve been banned from these places and people?”
“No. He passed it through his assistant.”
Vale’s lips twitched into a devious smirk. “Obviously there’s been a misunderstanding. All you heard from the assistant was that your pater and Ray were very sick. You thought you were wanted in the city immediately.”
Xan’s lips quirked up. “Maybe, but then his assistant would never hear the end of it. I’d think more highly of myself it I did the way Jason advises. Chin up. Demanding my rights.” Then he laughed bitterly. “But let’s be honest. I’m Xan Heelies. Unmanned coward, so I’ll probably do it Vale’s way instead.”
“You’re brave,” Urho said gruffly. “The bravest one at this table.”
“I told you,” Vale whispered to Urho, his dark brow raised.
“So you did,” Urho conceded.
“Look,” Jason said, sighing heavily. “I know that you’re scared, but in the end your father isn’t going to have you arrested for unnatural inclinations. He might find a way to disinherit you without taking it before the Church and courts, but I doubt it. Those laws are pretty tight. Even if he does go that far, without proof or witnesses you wouldn’t be arrested.”
“Just outcast,” Xan said.
“Well, your life would be yours, won’t it? I’m perfectly happy living in Vale’s house on Oak Avenue, and we’re going to bring our baby home there. I want to raise him in that house where Vale grew up.”
Vale made a soft noise of surprise. “You do?”
Jason nodded. “That’s important to me.” He looked back to Xan. “You have this house in your own name, in the trust from you pater’s father. You could live here. Or if you can’t find a way to afford the upkeep, you could sell it and you and Caleb
could live well enough on the proceeds. My father would give you a job. You’ve done such good work on the office here. You could help open a satellite facility for Sabel Industries too.”
“Your father would hire me? If I was known to be unmanned?”
“My father ignores rumors like that so long as the work gets done.” Jason tilted his head earnestly. “All I’m saying is that you aren’t without resources and friends. You could survive the loss of your family’s money. And maybe you’d even be happier without it, Xan. If you could live honestly.”
“And be true to who and how you love,” Vale murmured, giving Urho a significant look.
Urho felt suddenly tongue-tied. “And… Well, obviously no matter what happens with your father, I’d never let you go without. Never.”
Xan swallowed thickly. His eyes shone with love, and emotion swelled in Urho as well.
Urho cleared his throat. “That’s it. End of discussion. Xan needs to go. Come on. You need to pack your bags and catch the next train.”
Xan blinked at him in surprise. “You want me to leave?”
“No.” He hated the idea of Xan being away from him for even a night, and even more hated the idea of him heading into a household of sickness, but Xan needed to do this. He needed to see his pater and Ray, and he needed to stand up for himself in the family. It was the only way he’d ever be free. “But you need to go.”
Xan nodded and stood. His hands were still visibly shaking, and he licked his lips anxiously. “There’s so much to do here, though. I need to call Edes and let him know I’ll be gone. He’ll need to take over at the office here in town in my absence.”
“You can do that while I start packing for you,” Urho said. Xan glanced around the room, worry creasing his face. “Don’t fret about the house,” Urho added. “I’ll hold down the fort here. Me and Caleb.”
“And we’ll be happy to deal with any household issues that don’t involve direct contact with Janus,” Jason said. “Or I will. Vale will probably just stare at his stomach and hum the entire time you’re gone. But I can help keep the place going if Caleb is otherwise occupied.”
