Everything

by Williams, Jeri

  I rolled my eyes. “Speaking of entertainment, what’s going on with the professor?”

  “Professor?” Aria asked, eyes widening.

  “Come on, don’t taint the young’un with sex talk.” We pulled out of the hug and sat down on the couch and two-seater.

  “Young’un? I’m eighteen! I’ve kissed boys and done things,” Aria scoffed.

  “Wait, what things?” I looked at her, shocked. I knew my sister was no angel, but I also knew she still held on to her V-card proudly. Please let her still have it.

  “You have a boyfriend, Dacey. You know things.” She gave me a smirk.

  My mouth dropped open.

  “Dios mío, say it ain’t so? Little Aria? What boys did your milk shake bring to the yard?” Tina asked.

  I held up my hand. “We are not having this conversation.”

  “There is some boy out there who I’m sure would like to keep his life,” I looked at her.

  Aria rolled her eyes and laughed.

  I wasn’t kidding. Why was she laughing?

  “Relax, I was safe, before you ask, and my clothes stayed on. There, you happy?”

  “Not really.”

  “Why am I just hearing about this now?”

  She shrugged. “It never really came up in conversation.”

  “Oh, that’s the kind of thing you make come up,” Tina giggled. “Oh, hey, Dac. How’s it going? So guess what? I totally made it with so-and-so last night. He went to...” Tina mocked.

  “Hey, that’s not how it went, Jussy!” Aria shrieked. “And besides, the opportunity for that conversation never presented itself, and then I just forgot.”

  “You forgot? He must not have been very good.” Tina said, shocked.

  “Jussy!” Aria started turning red.

  I was more than a little uncomfortable with this conversation. I couldn’t picture my sister doing the things that Trevor and I did. “Okay! Let’s pretend this portion of the evening never happened and focus back on you and the hot married professor.”

  “He’s married?” Aria scandalized.

  “Yes, but wait, did your mom know about you and Mr. Not Very Good?”

  “No! Are you crazy?” Aria screamed.

  “Dropping the subject. Now,” I said with finality.

  Tina rolled her eyes but didn’t mention it again. She started telling Aria and me more about her hot professor and how she had been shamelessly flirting with him since she got to Miami but he had treated her like nothing more than a student.

  It was nice to talk about regular things, normal mindless things for a change. We laughed, and I forgot for once that my world was full of death, that tomorrow I would be burying half of my family, that my aunt was losing her mind, that it was just me and my sister, and that we were in college and alone. Yeah, forgetting was good.

  Before we knew it though, Mrs. D came in and said that it was getting late and we had an early and long emotional day tomorrow and had better get to bed. So Aria and I said good-night to Tina and Mrs. D and headed upstairs to our room.

  “Dacey, are you scared about tomorrow?” Aria asked.

  “I have a knot in my stomach the size of a watermelon, but I don’t know if scared is the right word for it. Are you?”

  “Not for the reason you think.”

  I think I knew why.

  “The whole town will be there, everyone will be looking at us and pointing and whispering. I wanted people’s attention in acting. Not this way.”

  “I know. It’s just tomorrow, and then everything will go back to normal.” But even as I said it, I knew it wasn’t true.

  “What’s normal? We will always be the girls who lost both of their parents.”

  “Maybe. You know what Mom would say. She would say, ‘Make a new name for yourself. Don’t let what happened to you define you.’”

  “Yeah, but what does that even mean?”

  “It means we are not the accident. We are more than the girls who lost their parents.”

  “But what if we’re not?” She had started to cry.

  I got up and went over to her bed and lay down with her, hugging her back like I did that first night that seemed so long ago.

  “We are. I know we are. We just have to start healing from this. It can happen.”

  “Dacey?” Her tears flowed harder now.

  “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry I took him from you.” It was barely a whisper.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’m just sorry,” she choked out and broke down some more.

  I didn’t reply. I just rocked her and shushed her until her sobs eased up and became hiccups, and she soon fell asleep in my arms.

  I didn’t know what she meant by taking him from me, unless she was feeling bad again in how differently he treated us and she felt the need to apologize again for him. I would tell her again when she woke up that it wasn’t her fault and that I didn’t blame her. She couldn’t live with this because it would eat her up.

  I dozed off into a fitful sleep and dreamed of emptiness.

  * * *

  My first thought was ugh, it’s D-day, and my second thought was I’m gonna be sick. I untangled myself from Aria and ran to the bathroom in time to make it to the toilet.

  “Dac?” Aria knocked on the door frame of the bathroom. “Are you okay?”

  “That’s left to be seen,” I said, trying to catch my breath as another wave of sickness rolled over me.

  “I’m going to get Mrs. D,” she said worriedly, then went downstairs to retrieve her.

  I tried to tell her that wasn’t necessary, I was fine, but my response was lost in the toilet.

  By the time Mrs. D and Tina came barreling up the stairs, I had flushed the sickness and was brushing my teeth.

  “Dacey, mi hija?”

  “I’m fine, really.”

  She moved in to put her hand on my forehead, checking for a fever. “You feel fine.”

  “I am. It was just...a case of the nerves, I think. It’s over.” In truth, I didn’t feel better, but I didn’t feel sick anymore.

  “Are you sure, dear?”

  “Yeah, really, I’m fine.”

  “Okay, I’ll go start on breakfast, something light.” She went back downstairs while Tina and Aria followed me back into the room.

  “Not how I wanted to wake up this morning. Throw-up,” Tina shivered.

  “Sorry, I tried to tell her I was fine.”

  “I was worried,” Aria shot defensively.

  “Did you think I had some of your brownies again?” I teased.

  “Shut up, I was worried. One minute you were asleep, the next you’re running to the bathroom sick.”

  “I’m sorry I worried you.” I went to the closet to get my black dress I had hung up the night before. “You think anyone will notice if we don’t show up?”

  “You think?” Tina quirked an eyebrow at me.

  I laid the dress out on the bed and took a deep, steadying breath in through my mouth.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Tina asked.

  “Tina, I’m fine.”

  “No, I’m only asking because I’m sitting next to you and if you—”

  “I’m fine,” I emphasized again, more forcefully.

  She held her hands up in surrender and gave me one last look before heading back downstairs to get ready and see her if her mom needed any help.

  I started getting ready in silence, willing my nerves to calm down, telling myself that in a few hours it would all be over.

  Aria got her dress out, a gray one, and started getting dressed as well, and we moved about the room in a depressed silence.

  Once we were done, we both went downstairs to find that Aunt Opal had arrived with Mr. Eugene and Riley.

  “Good morning, girls. You both look lovely,” Mr. Eugene greeted us.

  “Thank you,” we replied in a sad harmony, causing him to smile.

  The doorbell rang, then the door opened and Trevor walked in al
ong with his mother.

  “I figured the door would be open with so many people coming in this morning,” he said, coming over to me and giving me a kiss on the cheek and a hug while eyeing me nervously. “How are you?”

  “She got sick this morning,” Aria quickly told him.

  “I’m fine. It was just nerves,” I told his worried face.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, his frown deepening.

  I assured him it was nothing, then turned to his mother. “Hi, Mrs. Martin. How are you?”

  “I should be asking you that question, dear. I regret I haven’t been able to come by sooner, but I am sorry, to both of you girls.” She dabbed at her eyes.

  “Thank you, and it’s okay. Trevor told me you sent your regards.”

  “Mom, don’t start. We haven’t even left the house yet,” Trevor gave his mom a handkerchief.

  I went over to get some OJ from the fridge because there was a lump forming in my throat that I didn’t want to acknowledge. It was starting, and I knew once the wave of grief started in me, I would succumb to it.

  No one really talked a lot. Aunt Opal didn’t even crack a joke or act weird. Mrs. D made toast and eggs, but everyone just nibbled, except the men. We waited for Mick, but he never showed, and when the cars from the funeral home arrived to pick us up, Aria and I shared a look and knew that we would never see Mick again. No one else mentioned him or thought it was odd that he wasn’t there. He was just swept under the rug as gone.

  Trevor came up to me before we got into the cars to tell me that while it would be hectic, he would be thinking of me and he loved me.

  “Stay strong, baby. I love you,” he said.

  “Thank you.”

  He gave me a hug, then moved on to Aria. Then Riley did the same. We piled into the cars and rode over to the church, Aria and Aunt Opal in a car with me. We laced our fingers together the moment we got in the car.

  “Hold on to dat strength today. You’re gonna need it,” Opal had said, motioning to our hands.

  There was only one church in Shaddy Groves. The same church my parents had gotten married in was the church they had to have their funeral in. Only now, there wasn’t flowers everywhere and nice music wasn’t playing. It wasn’t beautiful; it was morose. As we walked in, Aria squeezed my hand tighter.

  I pulled her to me. “Just hold onto me. Don’t let go. I’ve got you.”

  I sat through the service. I wish I could tell you that it was a beautiful service and that everything looked so nice, but I couldn’t. I focused on one peace lily plant the entire time so as not to look at all the sad faces that passed us or focus on the sad words that people said about our parents, remembering them and their life, some telling individual stores, some telling joint ones. I focused on the peace lily and Aria’s warm hand squeezing tightly periodically when things got too much, for me or her, I didn’t know. And when it was all over, I focused on the peace lily that was being carried by a service member instead of the caskets we had to walk behind while everyone watched and pitied us. I found the eyes of my friends and extended family, and they gave me encouraging smiles that I didn’t return, and then I focused my attention back on the peace lily. Back in the cars, headed to the cemetery, eyes red from crying, we were all silent.

  The burial was the hardest, for me or Aria or both, I don’t know. It was all so final, and the realization hit us like a ton of bricks at the same moment.

  As the preacher was saying, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,” Aria’s hand squeezed mine so tight while I squeezed back. I turned to her to hug her at the same time she turned to hug me, and a wave of grief hit us as we clung to each other and sobbed loudly. I knew we needed to calm down and let everyone else hear what the preacher was saying, but I couldn’t stop the loud sobs from escaping my chest, knowing that this was it. It was like Aria sensed it as well, as her sobs got louder too. Riley and Trevor came over and gathered us up and ushered us back to the limo.

  “Shhh, it’s okay, girls, it’s okay. It’s over now.”

  We stayed in the cemetery in the limo, huddled together sobbing, while Riley and Trevor stood outside the car and the preacher finished the burial part of the ceremony. It was only a short while later that everyone started walking back toward their cars and wanted to stop by and check on us. Wisely, the boys deflected their concerns and told them we had had enough for one day and just needed to get home.

  Tina scooted in with Opal and hugged us, not offering any words, just letting us know she was there. By the time we got back to the house, the tears had stopped but the grief was still heavy in the air, and my eyes were almost swollen shut from all the crying. When I had found out about my parents’ death, I thought I had cried all I could cry, but this was nothing compared to that day.

  Tina and Aunt Opal thanked the limo driver, and then we all piled out and met everyone else at the door of the house, waiting to get in.

  “Oh, I have the key here.” Mrs. D dug in her purse for my keys I had given her earlier.

  Once inside, everyone seemed to not know what to do exactly. Before the funeral, there was a purpose, a common goal everyone had to work up to. Now, everyone seemed lost.

  I felt drained. I wanted the remnants of today off me, so I headed straight for the bathroom and stripped off my clothes and hopped in a hot shower. I huddled with my knees to my chest and let the hot water beat on my back, trying to wash away all the images in my head from today.

  I tried to bring up the picture of the peace lily in my head, but the picture of the caskets kept popping up and the finality of the preacher’s words kept ringing in my ears. I shook my head to try and shake out the images and words, but it didn’t help and finally the ache in my chest came back and the tears fell, silently this time, down my face. I missed my mom. I missed Wally. I missed the tap dance we did around our feelings and how I know I reminded him of my mother.

  But it was all too late now, and that’s what made the ache hurt more, the tears come harder.

  “Day?” Tina knocked at the door.

  When I didn’t answer, she jiggled the knob. “You know I don’t care about seeing your parts. I will come in there.”

  I cleared my throat to mask the fact that I had been crying. “I’m fine, you perv.”

  “You’ve been in there awhile. You sure?”

  Had I? “Yeah, just soaking.”

  “In a shower?”

  I could hear the disbelief in her voice. “Yes, in a shower. Is there something you want?”

  “My mom is leaving. She wanted to say bye before she left, so get your ass out of your soaking shower and come say bye.”

  I sighed and got up and turned the shower off. I got out, wrapping myself in a towel, and went into Aria’s room to put on some pajamas, then I muddled down the stairs. Mrs. D was at the door already with her suitcase. When she saw me, her eyes started to water.

  “I hate to leave so soon. I feel like you need me the most now.” She hugged me tight to her.

  “No, it’s okay. You have to get back. I’m sure Mr. D is starving,” I tried to joke.

  She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “Justina is leaving early Monday morning so she can make it to her first class, and we still have our house here, Dacey, so we will be in and out of town all the time. This isn’t good-bye, as I’ve said before.” She gave me a pointed look to let me know she meant it now more than ever.

  “I understand, and thank you for everything. I don’t know what I would have done without you here these last few days. It has meant a lot, and I know it’s meant a lot to Mom too.”

  “There are still casseroles in the freezer and fridge, but I’ve also made food and stored them for you. You can use the one that has the oldest date on it first. It should hold you over until I come back and I can make you some more. No arguing, it’s settled.”

  I didn’t know how I felt about Mrs. D cooking for us when she was in town, but I wasn’t all too opposed to the idea.

  She gave me one final hu
g and was out the door.

  I turned back and went to the kitchen to find that everyone, with the exception of Opal, Mr. Eugene, and Mrs. Martin, was still there. When I asked where they were, Aria said Mr. Eugene had taken Opal home to change and they would be back, and Trevor’s mom had taken his truck home.

  I stared at my parents’ bedroom door. I had been avoiding looking at it since the day we had gotten back from the hospital that night. But now, I stared at it, wanting to be closer to them somehow because I would never be close to them again physically.

  “Are you going in?” Aria brought me out of my daydream, and I tore my eyes away from the door to look at her. Her brown eyes were red-rimmed, and her face was pale. She looked so sad.

  “I was thinking about it. Now that Mick isn’t here pressuring us about a will or a fake heirloom.”

  “Can I come?” she asked, as if I would do it without her.

  I held out my hand to her, and she took it.

  “Are you guys sure you want to do this now?” Trevor asked cautiously. “You’ve only just stopped crying, and at the cemetery you guys barely made it through.”

  Everyone looked as though they agreed, except Tina. She nodded as though she understood.

  “If I don’t do it now, then I won’t ever do it.” I turned to Aria. “You don’t have to if you’re not ready. Trevor is right.”

  “No, I’m ready. We have to do it eventually, right? Rip the Band-Aid off.”

  “We’ll be out here waiting,” Riley said.

  I towed her across the kitchen and stopped at my parents’ door. Taking a deep breath, I turned the knob, pushed open the door, and went in, closing the door behind us.

  The bed was unmade, probably because Wally had been the last one to leave the house that morning and he never bothered with making the bed. It was always Mom who had made it. No matter what time she came home from work, she would make the bed back up. One of Wally’s work shirts was thrown about on the end of the bed, the pocket ripped. It looked like he had changed at the last minute that morning because of it.

  Mom’s perfume still lingered in the air from the door being closed and the windows not being opened. Her nightgown was on the reading chair next to her bed. Aria went over to her reading chair and picked up a book that was lying on it. It was a collection of poems by Robert Frost. No doubt, Mom had dug this out after my visit last week when Mick was here.