Everything

by Williams, Jeri

“Hello?”

  “Hey, babe.”

  “Oh, hey, Trevor.”

  “Oh?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I was just expecting another call, that’s all.”

  “Some other guy calling my girl?” he teased.

  “Yes, actually, but not what you think.”

  He waited for me to elaborate.

  “It’s the lawyer guy.”

  “Oh. You want to go to Spinner’s tonight?”

  “I can’t, babe. We are going back to school tomorrow, and I want to get a fresh night’s sleep.” Plus I didn’t want to leave Aria.

  “Oh, okay,” he said dejectedly.

  “I’m sorry. We can go later this week, okay?”

  “Yeah, sure. You want me to come by?”

  “I’m just going to turn it in early tonight, babe. I’m sorry.” I knew it wasn’t fair to him. I hadn’t been spending much time with him these past few days, and I knew he was giving me my space, but I didn’t know how much longer he would continue to do so.

  “Are you okay, babe...? Is everything okay, I mean?” he asked, concern in his voice.

  No, my sister thinks she killed my parents and people won’t stop staring at us. “Yes, just Aria stuff,” I said.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  How could I tell someone and have them understand?

  “No, I’ll be okay,” I said.

  He sighed heavily and said he was there if I needed him, then hung up. I knew he wanted me to open up to him and let him in. It’s just a part of me still needed him to be that island, and though it sounded selfish, I wanted him to wait for the time where I needed him and give me space to work through everything I needed.

  My phone rang again, but this time it was the lawyer.

  Turns out, my parents were clients of his and did have a will. He stated he would need the death certificates faxed over to him, then he would call me to set up an appointment time.

  Hanging up, I thought snidely that it would surprise Mick to know that Mom actually did have a will, although what was in it was still left to be seen.

  I went upstairs to see if Aria was awake, knowing she would want to know. I found her sitting on her bed.

  “So the lawyer called me back, and turns out Mom and Dad did have a will.”

  “They did?” she asked, shocked.

  “Umm humm. The lawyer is going to contact me once he gets the death certificates from the medical examiner’s office.”

  “What do you think is in the will?” she asked, intrigued.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not like they had money stashed away and were these secret millionaires.”

  “Wouldn’t it be cool if they were?”

  And just for a second, my little sister was back. She clapped her hands and jumped up and down and made this elaborate story of us being millionaires and moving out of this Podunk town to LA and her being the rich millionaire who acted just for fun and me writing because it was a hobby and I was good at it, and we laughed and made up names for our butlers and maids.

  “It feels good to laugh,” I said.

  “It does, but I feel...” Aria trailed off.

  “You feel guilty?” I guessed, because I was feeling the same way.

  “Yes, like I have no business laughing when they can’t, ever.”

  “I don’t think they would want us to feel this way, to not be happy.”

  “I know, but I can’t help it, especially if I caused it.”

  “Even if that were the case, do you think Mom or Dad would not want you to smile your beautiful smile again?”

  She was thoughtful for a moment, then said, “No, I guess not. But it still feels wrong.”

  “It will feel easier. At least that’s what they say,” I said airily.

  She smiled, and for the rest of the evening, we weren’t the two girls who lost both their parents in a terrible car crash. We were just two girls who were preparing to go back to school tomorrow after having been gone for a week.

  Going back to school was as seamless as ever. It was as if we had never been absent for a week straight, and the kids at school didn’t stare like the people in town. The teachers all acknowledged once that they were sorry for my loss, then it was business as usual, and I was swamped with makeup work. I started my days back up on Opal watch, alternating with Mr. Eugene again, and made time for Trevor as much as possible. When he came over to stay the night, we stayed in the guest room so Aria got her room to herself and we didn’t have to sleep on the couch. Aria liked me in the room with her, but I was going to move into the guest room permanently when she was more comfortable with it.

  Trevor and I were coming up on our two-year anniversary soon, and I had no idea what to get him. I had been putting a lot of thought into it because it had to be special, as he had been so good to me these past few weeks with being there for me after my parents’ death.

  I was headed out the door with anniversary gift thoughts in my head when my phone buzzed. I took it out to see I had a message from Trevor. I thought it was odd because I knew he was at work, and he never texted me unless something was wrong.

  Hey

  Hey, everything OK?

  Just thinking

  About?

  Us

  Ok?

  U don’t seem happy w/me

  I am R U?

  Not lately

  He wasn’t happy? I knew that I was still working out my parents’ death, but I thought I had come a long way. True, I hadn’t “bounced back,” as he put it, and we hadn’t had sex since before they died, but it had only been three weeks. When I didn’t respond right away, I got another text.

  I have tried being ur island and being there 4 U but its 2 much 4 me

  U sound like ur saying u want 2 break up

  There was a long pause in between text messages, so long that I thought he may have gotten busy at work and had to go, which would have caused me to go to his job and finish this conversation because I wouldn’t have been able to continue my day without that question being answered. Just when I was about to reply again, he responded and all the wind was knocked out of me as I leaned against the door for support.

  I am

  My first thought was this is a joke, he was just fucking with me, and he would text “gotcha” soon, and I would laugh.

  R u serious?

  Yes, I’m sorry

  So it was real. He was breaking up with me. By text message.

  Ur a coward, text message really??

  I didn’t even wait for him to reply, my fingers typing on their own accord now.

  I can’t even process this right now

  Look I didn’t mean 4 this 2 happen like this

  4 what 2 happen like this?

  How I told u

  But u did want to break up?

  Yes

  Fuck u

  Dacey

  NO! Fuck u. I luv u

  Can we talk about this l8r I have 2 go

  I didn’t bother texting him back. I didn’t even bother going to school, and since Aria had already left, I had the house to myself. I went in my parents’ bedroom in a daze and climbed in their bed, curling myself into the tightest ball possible. I cried my soul out. I cried because it felt like everything I knew in my world was crumbling. I cried for my parents again because what kid deserved to have to bury their parents? I cried for Wally, for the lost relationship we would never have and for the one we did have, how horrible he was to me, but he loved me and I loved him. I cried for the cards that were kept and what they meant.

  I cried for my sister, who thinks she killed our parents, the agony she is going through and has gone through keeping that secret. The unease of not knowing. I cried for my aunt, who may not remember me one day, and I would lose her too. And finally, finally, I cried for Trevor, for my relationship, my island of sanity. I had loved Trevor so much and so fiercely. He had become so embedded into my family that I thought he was it for me, the one, and for h
im to just break up with me so easily on top of everything that I had been through was just icing on the preverbal fucking cake.

  I lay curled up in that ball crying until I couldn’t cry anymore.

  My phone buzzed with text messages, then phone calls several times, but I didn’t answer them. They weren’t from Aria or Opal, so it didn’t matter.

  The morning sky turned to afternoon and still I lay there. I couldn’t move. If I moved, more shit would happen to me, the world would find something else to throw my way. So I lay there.

  The afternoon sky turned to dusk, and I heard the front door open and close. Aria was home, and I knew she would come looking for me, knowing she saw my car. Sure enough, ten minutes later the door opened and her head popped in.

  “There you are. Why are you in here?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Are you sleeping?”

  I was glad my back was to the door. I pretended to be asleep.

  “Dacey?”

  She stood there for a few more minutes, then closed the door quietly so as not to wake me. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Not right now, not for a long while.

  The dusk sky turned to evening, and there was a soft knock and Aria stuck her head in again, saying softly that Trevor was here and wanted to come in.

  “Did something happen, Dacey?” Her voice wavered.

  She must have seen me tense by the sound of his name that first said I wasn’t asleep and second that I didn’t want him here.

  I didn’t have a chance to reply because he came in the room and asked Aria to give us some privacy.

  She didn’t know, so she closed the door and left.

  “Dacey, why haven’t you answered my text or calls? I’ve been worried.”

  I cleared my throat. “I think you gave up that right this morning.”

  I still had my back turned to him, and he didn’t make an effort to face me. A large part of me thought he might be here to tell me that he’d had all day to think this through and he had made a mistake and he was stupid and would I please take him back. It was what I was silently wishing for, because the world couldn’t shit on me this much in three months, could it? He wasn’t this mean, was he?

  “Why are you here?”

  “I wanted to check on you and make sure you were okay, and I want to finish our talk.”

  “I’m alive, and talk.” I avoided using the word “okay” because I was far from okay.

  “Look, it’s cheesy as fuck to use this, but I swear it’s true. Don’t think it was something you did. It was me,” he said.

  “Really? Said every lame-ass movie ever? Be more original.”

  “No, I don’t mean it like that. Shit, I’m not explaining myself right. What I have to say is going to sound bad, but hear me out? Please.” He came over and sat in Mom’s old reading chair, which put him directly in front of me. “I had this picture in my head of what I thought I needed to be happy and I how I would know I was in love, but I had the best girl and the perfect job and I still wasn’t happy, and I don’t think I was in love. I don’t think I was in love because I don’t truly understand what love is. I never grew up with it like you did. You had both a mom and a dad to show you what it’s like. I never had that, and my mom didn’t date men, at least not in front of me, so I have nothing to base it off of. All I know is sex, and sex isn’t love. I have feelings for you, and I care a great deal for you, but I don’t know if I ever was in love with you. And until I can figure that out, I don’t think we should be together.”

  If I had any more tears left in me, I would have cried. What he said shattered me. It broke a hole into my chest and dug out my heart. I was wrong, the world could shit on me this much. And it had.

  “Dacey, say something.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say. You just told me that after almost two years of being with me, you—the man I love, the man I have given my heart and body to—have never been in love with me? There’s kinda no word for that, Trevor,” I said sadly.

  “I am sorry, I never meant to hur—”

  “You don’t have to do that. Just go,” I cut him off.

  “Are you going to be okay from this?”

  “If you have to ask, then you already know the answer.”

  He stared at me, and when I wouldn’t make eye contact with him, he stood to leave. “Take care of yourself. I’ll see you around,” he said, and he left.

  The bad part about living in a small town was that I would most definitely see him around.

  I had always thought myself as being strong, as never taking shit from anyone and never showing a weakness, being tough as nails because Wally never gave out hugs and kisses. Given enough pressure, nails break.

  And I broke.

  Chapter 15

  To the naked eye, I functioned perfectly. I went to school, came home, turned in my homework like normal, but I was different. I didn’t hang out in between classes with Riley. I avoided Kelly like the plague and officially moved out of the dorm early and cleaned out my belongings without help from anyone. It was mostly clothes and my TV. I finally found Trevor’s missing boxers and contemplated burning them but opted for just trashing them. I didn’t go out for fear of running in to Trevor. The only places I did go were school, Opal’s, home, and lately, the cemetery. I found myself there a lot when I needed to talk to someone, especially Mom. I would sit there and pour my sorrow out until dusk, then go home and lie in their bed and fall asleep.

  Aria didn’t know what to do to make me feel better, and I wasn’t talking to her about it. Tina would text me, but I wasn’t talking to her about it either. I would text her back saying that I was fine, but she wasn’t buying it.

  I hadn’t told Tina he had broken up with me. I didn’t want to hear her say, “I told you so” or anything. In the end, she had conceded, knowing she couldn’t force me and I would tell her when I was ready. All she could do was tell me to call her if I needed her.

  I could tell she wasn’t convinced, but I just didn’t want to relive that with her just yet. I was getting pretty good at my poker face around Aunt Opal, but I would catch her staring at me when she thought I wasn’t looking. It was a week before her appointment in Orlando, and she hadn’t had an episode, until today.

  It was my morning to check on her, and I went over like clockwork after Aria had left for school. I didn’t knock because it was my day, so, using my key, I went in through the kitchen door and found her in her robe as usual standing in front of the fridge.

  “Auntie, what are you looking for?”

  She didn’t answer, just stood there not moving, staring in the fridge.

  I went up to her and placed my hand over hers to try and draw her to attention, and she flipped out. She started screaming and looked at me with wild eyes, eyes that didn’t recognize me, and backed up into the corner, knocking over the trash can.

  “Who are you? Whatchu doin’ in my house?” She scrambled back against the wall with her hands outstretched.

  “Auntie, it’s me, Dacey.”

  “I don’t know no Dacey.” She went to reach for the broom.

  This wasn’t going to end well. “I’m your niece, Dacey. Remember?” I said patiently.

  “I ain’t got no niece name Dacey. My niece name Susan.” She grabbed the broom and pointed the end at me.

  I held up my hands, palms up to show I wasn’t going to hurt her, and backed up.

  “Auntie, yes, you do. I’m Dacey, Susan’s daughter,” I stressed.

  “Susan ain’t got no daughter.” She tried to jab at me with the end of the broom.

  I backed up closer to the door, and she got her footing and inched closer with the broom.

  “Get, get out my house!” she screamed with each jab.

  I knew there was no point in trying to reason with her. I could tell by the glassy look in her eyes that Aunt Opal was not there. This was the Opal I didn’t know, the Opal who didn’t know me. I reached behind me for the knob to the door and opened it
and slowly eased myself out.

  “Auntie, I’m just going to step outside, but I won’t leave, okay?”

  “You damn right cha leavin’, and if you don’t leave my property, I’m callin’ the poleece!” She did one final jab, and I was down the last step. She slammed the door, and with a loud click, it was locked.

  “Shit,” I said to myself, as my things were inside. I had no choice but to sit on the step and wait. Whether she called the cops or not, I wasn’t getting arrested, but it was another thing for the town to talk about. I was just hoping that she would snap out of it before she actually called.

  When I heard the sirens, I knew she hadn’t.

  Shitshitshit.

  I went around the front of the house to meet whatever cop was here to humiliate me and tell him it was a false alarm when I saw an unfamiliar highway patrol car pull up. Why was a highway patrol car here? Then I saw a tall man in a tan-and-gold uniform with broad shoulders step out from the car, hand on holster.

  “Stop right there, ma’am. I got a report of an intruder. I’m going to need you to put your hands where I can see them,” he commanded.

  This guy couldn’t have been more than my age, but with his hand on his gun, I wasn’t inclined to disobey. Still, I wasn’t really in the mood.

  “Officer, there has been a misunderstanding. This is my aunt’s house, and she gets confused sometimes.” I raised my hands as he unhooked his holster as if he was going to draw his gun.

  “Right, we hear that all the time. Hands where I can see them, lady.”

  As he came closer to me, I noticed his name tag read J Parks.

  “Officer Parks?” I asked tentatively.

  “Have we had a run-in before?” His hand twitched to his gun.

  “I’m Dacey Harper.”

  A hint of recognition flicked across his face, and his hand hesitated, hovering above his gun. “You got identification on you?” He eyed me suspiciously.

  Yeah, inside. “It’s inside my aunt’s house,” I said and jutted my head toward Opal’s house.

  He looked as though he didn’t believe me, and, thinking fast, I started to think back to something he would remember talking to me about.

  “I can prove it. You told me about my parents’ accident. You were supposed to give us the official report soon,” I rushed out.