Everything

by Williams, Jeri

  I looked down at the card. His first name was Justin, Justin Parks. Hum.

  Aria thanked him and lingered in the kitchen to start dinner, which meant heating up leftovers, and I walked Officer Parks to the door.

  “Thank you for making that as easy as possible. You really did lift at least one weight off my shoulder,” I joked halfheartedly.

  “You shouldn’t have nearly as many weights on your shoulder as you do.”

  “You’re right, but what can I do?” I shrugged.

  He looked as though he was about to say something, then thought better of it and dipped his head to say good-bye, turned, and left.

  I breathed a sigh and went into the kitchen to find Aria placing two plates on the table and waiting for the microwave to ding. I thought I should tell her I wasn’t hungry. I started to when she started talking.

  “Today was just full of good news,” she beamed.

  The microwave dinged, and she took out the dish and started portioning the food onto the plates.

  “None for me. I’m beat. And what other good news did you get today?”

  She eyed me like she always did when I told her I wasn’t hungry. “Dacey, you have to eat, I know things are...you know right now, but you still have to eat. And I got the part I wanted in The Frost.”

  “You did! A, that’s great!” I clapped, bypassing the first part of the conversation.

  “I found out today, to be honest I forgot all about it. I don’t know if I want to do it now that it was for Mom, you know, and now—”

  “Don’t you dare say you’re not going to do it. Mom is watching, you know, and what about me? I want to see you act too, you know!” I scoffed.

  She raised an eyebrow at me. “I guess. Riley said he would go too. You think Jussy would go too and Opal? I want people in my section since...” She trailed off, but I knew what she was going to say.

  “Of course, you’ll have a mob,” I promised. “Okay, fix me a stinking plate,” I rolled my eyes, and she squealed. This would be the first time that we had eaten together since the he-who-must-not-be-named incident, as Aria so expressively put it.

  We ate our dinner, and she talked about the play, but I kept eyeing our parents’ room, aching to crawl into my cave. Too much happened today, and I hadn’t been able to go to the cemetery to see them.

  “I think I’m going to find Riley. He’s at Spinner’s or Sharkey’s with the others. Is that okay?”

  “Yeah, sure, just be home before curfew,” I said, referring to the curfew my parents had set for her of midnight.

  “Kk, I love you.” She dropped a kiss on my cheek and hugged me.

  As soon as she was gone, I loaded the dishes into the dishwasher, took a shower, and went straight for the door at the back of the kitchen. I curled up in a ball and tried to forget the day’s events like I always did. The forgetful aunt who called the cops on me, the townspeople who knew the aunt was crazy and waited for me to turn crazy, the concerned friends and sister because my boyfriend decided he no longer wanted to be my boyfriend anymore. One good thing: I no longer had to worry about Aria going catatonic about being responsible for our parents’ death. It’s the little things.

  I didn’t know how long I lay there. It usually took me awhile to fall asleep, as my mind refused to stop trying to work things out. Suddenly, my phone rang with Aria’s ringtone, some song she put on there about hollering at the DJ to turn it. I always preferred she text me.

  “You’re changing my ringtone to a less annoying song as soon as you get home,” I said when I answered.

  “If I get home,” she replied grumpily.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked, on alert by her tone.

  “Promise you won’t laugh?”

  “I make no promises like that, you know me.”

  “I ran out of gas.”

  “Aria,” I half-whined, half-chastised.

  “I know, I know. Daddy used to warn me all the time. I know, okay?”

  “Where are you?”

  “Spinner’s.”

  “Isn’t Riley with you?”

  “His mom has his car. He got dropped off, and none of our friends can give us a lift. Dacey, please just come get us,” she pleaded.

  Fuck. “You owe me.”

  Grabbing my keys, I headed out the door. I didn’t have a gas can, but I figured we could leave her car there and pick it up in the morning. Of course, when I got there, the parking lot was packed and I didn’t see Aria anywhere, so I sent her a text asking where she was. She replied saying she had to use the bathroom.

  Sighing, I turned off my car and decided to go inside and meet her. The wait in line for the bathroom in there was usually twenty minutes, and I didn’t want to wait in my car that long. As I was walking in, I reached for the door the same time it was pulled back from the inside and found myself standing face to face with Trevor...and Kelly.

  I hadn’t seen him since the day in my parents’ bedroom. I had been careful to avoid the places I knew he would be, and just when I didn’t expect to see him, he popped up, with Kelly.

  “Dacey,” he said, shocked.

  I was just as shocked, not because he was there, but because he was there with Kelly. As my gaze traveled down, I noticed their intertwined hands quickly release.

  “Dac, wait,” Trevor reached for me as I started to back up.

  I turned and ran for my car. I heard him call my name, but I was lost in the crowd. I pushed through crowds of people, shoving them out of my way before I completely lost it, before I completely broke once and for all.

  Once in my car, I thought my breathing would slow down and the ache in my chest would ease up, but it didn’t. I looked around frantically, praying he didn’t see my car. I couldn’t stay here. I couldn’t risk Trevor finding me, so I sent a quick text to Aria telling her that my keys were under the seat of my car and that I had gotten a ride. Then I got out and started to walk.

  I walked, and walked. I walked and let the numbness wash over me, not caring if my feet were going to hurt later and I would have blisters. I walked not caring that the temperature had dropped and all I had on was a Halestorm T-shirt and a pair of jeans, not expecting to be out all night. He was with Kelly. He didn’t love me, but he was with Kelly. Trevor was the one guy who made me feel wanted when I thought Wally didn’t want me. It was why I clung to him so much, why our relationship thrived. What I never got from Wally, the hugs and affection, I got from Trevor. Not in a gross pedophile way, but an affectionate way. It was later that it turned into more and he became the man I fell in love with.

  But now, he could move on so easily. Was I that easily replaceable that, in a few short weeks, he had someone else? And Kelly at that. This wasn’t love. He was right—he didn’t love me. But I was sure it was love on my part because I was sure that what I felt in my heart and my stomach when I saw them together was my heart breaking. I walked and walked, not seeing where I was going, so lost in thought, I didn’t even notice a car coming up alongside me.

  “Dacey?”

  I looked over and vaguely recognized Officer Park’s squad car but didn’t reply. I just kept walking, so he got out.

  “Dacey, are you hurt? What’s the matter?” He stopped in front of me, forcing me to stop. “Dacey, are you hurt? Did someone do something to you?” His eyes roved over my body, doing an assessment of my clothes, looking for tears or scratches.

  When I still didn’t reply, he tried again asking me where I was going. “Are you going home? Where is your car?”

  I didn’t reply. I didn’t trust myself to speak without going into some rant or crying spree if my mouth opened, so I kept it closed. Tightly.

  He took my phone out of my hand that I was white-knuckling and dialed someone.

  “Hi, Aria? This is Officer Parks. No, no. She is fine, sort of. I found her wandering at Madison and Pine, but something’s wrong with her, she isn—”

  He was cut off by whatever Aria said, then, “I see. Okay, I can bring her back home if yo
u like. Okay, see you in a bit then.” He breathed a heavy sigh and shook his head.

  “I’m so sorry, Dacey. I’m going to take you home, okay? I have to touch you to put you in the car, okay?”

  I didn’t really hear him. He touched me lightly on the arm and steered me into the front of the car, and I let him put me in the front seat and close the door as I sat straight-faced and stared out the front window, not really seeing anything. Then he started driving.

  My parents, Opal, they didn’t have a choice. But Trevor, he chose this, and this is the hardest loss of all.

  “Sometimes, the hardest loss is the one we learn from the most,” Officer Parks said.

  I hadn’t even realized I said that out loud.

  When he finally pulled into my driveway, Aria rushed out the door to meet us, and she yanked open the passenger door and hugged me, Riley right behind her.

  “Dacey, are you okay? You scared me! Where did you go?”

  I refused to talk to her. I refused to talk to anyone. I just looked at her, and she let me go. I went inside and climbed into my parents’ bed, curled in a ball, and there I stayed for four days.

  Chapter 16

  To say I was broken was an understatement. Aria didn’t get concerned until the third day. I refused to eat or drink anything, and I didn’t go back to school. Logically, I knew I should snap out of it and calm her worry, but I just couldn’t. I kept replaying the scene of Trevor and Kelly hand in hand and his words over and over in my head, then I kept replaying his words over the years—lies now, but they had made me feel wanted. It was cruel, really. Where I should have been giving my love to Wally, who loved me, instead I gave it to Trevor, who never loved me, and now I have neither of them and that was what kept me in this room, curled in a ball.

  Opal came over and tried to talk to me, but even she couldn’t get me to eat. Her appointment in Orlando was tomorrow. They all said I would snap out of it. My phone was ringing off the hook, as Tina was trying to get a hold of me, and on the fourth day, I heard Aria talking to her.

  “Jussy, I don’t know what to do. This is more than Mom and Dad. Trevor did something.”

  Then there was silence while Aria listened to what Tina was saying.

  “Okay, okay. Bye.”

  Early on the fourth day, it had just reached dawn when the door opened. I assumed it was Aria checking on me as she usually did, although it was early for her. The bed dipped, and a body molded itself to my back.

  “You have to stop having these life-altering events. My car is old and can’t handle all the mileage I put on it,” Tina said.

  I should have known she would come here. I was surprised it took her this long.

  “I would have been here sooner, but I had to convince mami you were about to die. Apparently, I didn’t exaggerate enough.”

  “Don’t joke like that, Jussy!” Aria had appeared in the doorway.

  I was glad Tina was here, but I didn’t think I could rehash it all again. It would make things worse.

  “Hey, you don’t have to tell me. Just...drink something for me, okay?”

  When I didn’t reply, she let me go and came around the bed to look into my eyes.

  “Day, please, you have to eat something. You’re scaring Aria. You’re scaring me. Por favor,” she pleaded.

  I must have looked really bad because a tear slid down her cheek, and Tina never cried. Aside from when my parents died and the day she moved, she didn’t cry. It was why we got along so well—we didn’t get all girly like that. But now, she cried.

  She was holding her necklace in her fist, the one we both shared. “Dacey Wacey, please.”

  She put her head down and wept softly, repeating her plea, telling me I was her sandbox.

  “Dacey, please, talk to me! I can’t lose you too! I won’t watch you die. You can’t leave me. You’re all I have left!” screamed Aria, coming into the room, crying fully.

  “Aria,” I croaked out. “I need...I need...” I couldn’t get it out. My throat was dry from disuse.

  “You need what?” she screamed, dropping to her knees in front of me.

  “Wait, I’ll get you agua.” Tina left and was back a second later with a small cup of water.

  I sipped it slowly, letting the cool water flow down my throat, coating it, then tried again. “I need to tell you I’m sorry. I’ve scared you, and I haven’t been there for you and left you and made you feel like I have felt these past few weeks, especially these past four days, and I would never want you to feel this way because this—this is horrible to feel.” My voice started to grow thick with tears, but I continued because I had to get it out. “I never want you to feel unwanted by the one person you thought loved you, and I do love you. I will always love you, and I never lost sight of that. I was just overwhelmed, and I still am! I don’t want you to have to deal with all these things that I do, so I take them, but I couldn’t handle them.”

  “What things, Dacey?” she cried, with tears running down her cheeks.

  “Things with Opal and me, but you’re an adult and we are all each other has, and I can’t do this alone, Aria. I can’t.”

  “I don’t want you to, Dac. I can’t do this without you. I need you. You’re all I have.” She put her arms around my neck and pulled herself onto the bed next to me and cried into my neck loudly.

  “I’m sorry. Know that I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m just dealing with so much hurt. I thought I could handle anything, but this...this is different. Mom was right—the pain, the hurt, it’s what makes me who I am, and it’s going to make one hell of a story one day,” I smiled weakly.

  “Dacey, that’s not funny.” She buried her face deeper in my neck.

  “Yes, it is.”

  “Will you eat something?”

  “I have to start off slow. When I was majoring in nursing, I remember that much.”

  “Now that was funny,” Aria said, even though I hadn’t been going for a joke.

  “You know, I have Lifetime at home. I drove two hours for this?” Tina joked.

  “You can’t get autographs from those people,” I joked.

  Tina wrinkled her nose. “And it’s not Smell-O-Vision either. Ugh, Day.”

  “Oh, yeah. I suppose I need a shower.”

  “I wasn’t going to say anything because you’re my sister and I love you but...” Aria trailed off, pulling off of me.

  “Fuck that, I’ll say something. You’re funky. Go shower, and when you come out, eat some Jell-O, like five cups.” Tina pointed to my parents’ bathroom.

  I got up from the bed, stiff from lying so long in the same position but glad to be getting up. I did feel marginally better. The hurt was still there but not as bad as it was four days ago. I was going to try my hardest to have it not be like that. I couldn’t fall that far down again. While I was taking a shower, I gave Tina the CliffNotes version of what happened so that I didn’t have to actually see her face. That didn’t stop me from hearing her reaction though.

  “Muthafukinshit, I’m gonna kill him.”

  Here we go.

  “Tina,” I cautioned, although I knew it was no use.

  “No me Tina. I told you, didn’t I? If he hurt you—and he damn near killed you—that I was going to kill him, and I am. Who breaks up with someone and starts seeing someone else a month after they bury their parents, then gives them the shittiest excuse in the fucking book to boot?” she said argumentatively.

  Cue Spanish rant.

  “Ese pendejo no sabe el error que cometio pensando que las cosas son major en otro lado, que estupido. No te puede remplasar porque no hay nadie major que tu—”

  “Tina, Tina, you’re doing that thing again when you’re mad,” I cut her off. I had gotten out of the shower to find her pacing the length of my parents’ bedroom floor.

  “Mad? No, mad was when Robbie Sampson dumped me the night of the summer solstice dance to have sex with Shannon in the parking lot. I’m livid! What he did to you—” She broke off into another S
panish rant.

  It was best I let her get this out of her system. I went to the guest bedroom—my room—to get some clothes. Pulling on some jeans that hung a little loosely and a black T-shirt, I put my hair in a messy bun on top of my head, as it was still wet, and went back into the kitchen where Aria had placed exactly five Jell-O cups on the table for me to eat.

  I ate two and drank two glasses of water. Although they weren’t happy about it, they conceded. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was still there. I wasn’t so naive to think that a shower and a speech would make it go away. It would take time, but for now, I could come out of my cave.

  Aria, Tina, and I went into the living room to sit and talk. I told Aria about Opal and how I was concerned about her memory and the last experience where she called the cops on me.

  “Espera, she called the cops on you?” Tina interjected.

  I nodded and told them about Officer Parks intercepting the call instead, how the whole neighborhood was there as usual to watch, and how it was the same day as everything else.

  “Speaking of Officer Parks, he wants you to call him,” said Aria.

  “Why?” I asked, taken aback.

  “Who’s Officer Parks?” Tina looked between Aria and me for an answer.

  “The officer who handled Mom and Dad’s case,” I explained.

  “He was also the one who brought you home that night after...you know,” hedged Aria.

  I remembered bits and pieces of that night, dreamlike. “Oh my god, he must think I’m batshit crazy. First the thing with Opal, then that?”

  “Should I rename this Opal and Dacey: The Untold Story?” Tina joked, and I gave her the finger. “I knew my girl was in there somewhere,” she smiled proudly.

  In truth, I was glad I couldn’t remember the encounter all that well. I’m sure I wasn’t at my all-time best.

  “Well, anyway, he seemed concerned and suggested that maybe you needed someone, like a professional, to talk to and wanted me to have you call him when you were feeling better, only he has been calling every day because you haven’t been feeling better in four days.” She looked at the floor.