Elemental Fear

by Ada Frost

  My hands itched to touch him, to comfort him but the feelings I harbored for him made me feel like it would be shameful to offer such support. But he’s your friend first! Could I offer support and not relish in the close contact of him, would it be wrong to comfort him, hold him and feel like my heart was going to break out of my chest? But watching him slumped and defeated in the chair broke my heart, I didn’t want him hurting and I couldn’t stand so far away without comforting him. He has helped me on more than one occasion without having any ulterior motive, so I should return the favour and keep my emotions under wraps. With that thought I walked towards him, I must have been quiet because when I lifted my hand and softly ran my fingers through his hair his body gave a slight jerk. I didn’t stop though; I simply spread my fingers a little wider to feel the soft waves of his hair. The waves teased my knuckles and I became entranced by the movement, almost like a boat sailing through calm water. A soft moan echoed through the room brining me back to reality. When my hand stilled in his hair, Dominic lifted his face to look up at me. I felt his hands circle my waist and pull me towards him. He opened his legs and moved me to stand between his legs. I lifted my other hand and threaded it through his hair, cradling the back of his head with my hands, he swallowed hard the bobbling of his Adams apple transfixing me to the contours of his throat and he closed his eyes as if my touch was sheer bliss. His head fell forward and pressed against my stomach, his arms banded around me in a tight hold. At first I remained still, unmoved but then I cradled his head to me, holding him, comforting him, but mainly loving him.

  After a considerable amount of time passed, us simply holding one another he lifted his head to rest his chin on my stomach, he stared up at me as I absently ran my finger through his hair.

  “I wish it was possible to be like this always.” He whispered. Then a look of total disbelief crossed his face, as if he couldn’t believe he had said it. He pushed me back gently and stood up. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t say that...sounds weird...I just meant...you’re a good friend, the best. We should get going.” his words came out in fast succession then he turned entered the living room, returned to the kitchen holding his briefcase and suit jacket.

  And yet again he broke my heart. It wasn’t the first time he had rejected me, and I suppose I allowed it so it wouldn’t be the last. But the feeling of hurt was something I would never be accustomed to

  ****

  We arrived at the floor to our offices and were greeted by Alistair “Good morning Evelyn. Dominic I need a word if you would spare a few moments.” He gestured towards Dominic’s office. Dominic nodded to me and walked to his office.

  I entered my office and powered on my computer, the blinds in Dominic’s office were open so I could see them talking. His back was to me so I couldn’t make out what they were saying. Dominic turned gesturing in my direction. Panic shuddered through my body.

  “Evelyn can I have a word in my office please?” He said, it was clearly a demand rather than a request. I didn’t answer I simply stood and followed him with my eyes to the floor. I stole a look at Dominic as I passed his door. I needed this place, coming here and being close to Dominic everyday was all I had to look forward to. I couldn’t breathe, please don’t let me pass out.

  I walked out of his office half hour later with a huge smile on my face and a giddy feeling in my stomach. I went back down to my floor and as I passed Dominic’s office he was perusing through his filing cabinet near his door, I caught the expression on his face. He was smirking, he knew I’d be scared and he’d stood by and watched me squirm. I wanted to be annoyed, but how could I when he had just given me my escape.

  My day passed in what felt like a fluffy cloud of happiness, I couldn’t believe I had been asked to head the development of a test drug with implications of merging with another company, and more exciting than that was I got to spend time alone with Dominic, away from everything. I phoned through to our other testing lab for details on the base component and finalised the required samples I needed to take down with me. I talked through details with Dominic and assisted Liam preparing schematics ready for the trip

  ****

  “mum! Is anyone home?” I shouted as I walked through the front door. My mood had remained light all day and it had been a long time since I had felt this happy that I felt almost drunk with it.

  “In here.” called Louise.

  I placed my bag down and tossed my keys on the dining table. I walked through the kitchen to the living room. My sister sat on the sofa with her knees tucked to her chest hugging them tightly. My mood dropped immediately when she lifted her head and I saw her red puffy eyes and the broken look in her eyes.

  “Lou, what’s happened? Is everything okay?” I stood staring at her, the worry rising in me. I could never fend off the idea Elliott had attacked in my absence. Then a heart wrenching thought crossed my mind “Is it the baby?”

  A loud sob broke free from her, she hiccupped another sob in an attempt to speak. When clearly she couldn’t respond she shook her head.

  Still not settled with her obvious distress I gently called her name “Lou, come on talk to me.” I slid onto the sofa next to her and rubbed her back, trying to coax her to speak. I needed to know everyone was okay.

  “He...” She hiccupped again “he...I, God I can’t” high alert hit me, rationality fled and utter panic engulfed me. I continued to rub her back and softly soothe her, praying the outcome wouldn’t involve my vile partner. I waited patiently for her to cry her hurt out of her system because I knew nothing good was going to come from the situation.

  She took a long breath lifted her head and straightened her shoulders as if preparing for a monumental task “That bastard text me at work today and said he wanted to talk about the baby, he said he was sorry how he acted and could we meet at his house to talk things through. Yes, I know before you say it I was all ‘I’ll never take him back’, stupidly I thought that he had gotten used to the idea and that we could give us another try, why I thought that I have no fucking clue because he is the most selfish arsehole I have ever met. I mean come on what guy takes his girlfriend to a football match on valentine’s day when it’s fucking snowing – “

  “Lou, honey you are rambling. And in his defense you suggested the football, you like footy as much as him” when she turned and gave me the death stare

  I whispered “just saying, sorry.”

  “Shit! No I'm sorry I did suggest that, but while I'm ranting sis, just don’t...he’s a bastard, lets blame everything on him okay? He is the reason you stand in dog shit when wearing your favourite shoes, he’s the reason it pisses down when you’ve forgotten your umbrella. He...argh...I don’t know he...he...” She snapped her fingers and pointed at me “he’s, the bastard who invented marmite!” She nodded to punctuate her brilliance. I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of me.

  “Lou you are insane, but I love you. I'm going to blame this outburst on hormonal imbalance –“

  “Blame the bastard.” She snapped.

  “Well technically –“

  “Urgh don’t remind me.” She huffed.

  “So what has Dar...I mean the bastard done now?” I asked.

  “I went to see him this afternoon, I know he’s a little dumb sometimes and yeah I amongst many would rather –“

  “Lou!” I snapped at her going off on another tangent.

  “Sorry. He said that he wanted to get back together that he was an idiot to dump me and that he’s never loved anyone the way he loves me, basically all the sappy shit you’d want to hear from your boyfriend. He really laid it on thick, flowers, he even wore my favourite shirt and aftershave.”

  “Erm...I’m really struggling to understand why he’s the step-in-dog-shit-bastard”

  “Oh I'm getting to it. So he’s being all perfect and sweet, he said that when he finishes his doctorate that we can get married, can you believe that crap he wanted to marry me!” She practically shrieked the last part. At this point
I simply shook my head because none of this was making sense, Darren had professed his love, all but begged her to take him back and promised the future she wanted with him but –

  “All this I can have, the bright happy life being the wife of Dr Darren White if I abort our baby! He only wants me, not, and I quote ‘a drunken mistake’. It wasn’t a drunken mistake it was me needing anti-biotics and the pill failing to work, which I might add he’s the future fucking Dr so should have known the risks...the prick.” She let out a huff of breath and shook her head.

  I sat dumbfounded.

  “I may have messed up and yes I admit it takes two to make a baby but I'm facing it. It’s...I can’t see abortion as an option for me Eve, I mean...it’s a huge shock, and yeah I wanted the result to be negative. I prayed I wasn’t pregnant but I am, and...I just can’t go through with an abortion. I mean the only reason to have one is to placate the bastard and to take this mess away. But I would have to live with it for the rest of my life, I’d have to live with knowing I made a mistake and to cover it up I took away another life.”

  “You can’t –“

  “I know that sounds judgmental of others but it’s not I swear Eve, I just...I don’t think I could come back from something like that. I love Darren, but he clearly doesn’t love me enough to support us through this. And not only that how could I trust him not to dump me after an abortion? He’s lost my trust, everything we were together has died with how he reacted. I wish I could turn my love for him off, but with time it will fade because after today...he used me Eve I can’t forgive that.”

  “He loves you Lou I don’t doubt, he wasn’t using you. He may be misguided in his selfish –”

  “Today, he used me...he said...we were lying in bed...naked...when he said all that shit about an abortion.” She put her head in her hands and shook her head. “I was so stupidly happy thinking the man I loved and our baby had a future and – wham! – just like that he took it all away again.”

  “Come here” I said pulling her towards me and wrapping my arms around her. She buried her face in my shirt and wept more.

  “I feel so stupid”

  “Louise you are far from stupid. He’s the idiot and he will realise that given time when he has lost the most amazing woman ever and child if he refuses to have anything to do with the little yolk sack”

  “What?” She screeched pulling away from me “What the fuck, you can’t call my kid a yolk –“

  I laughed at her outrage “At this stage in the pregnancy the embryo is snug in a little yolk sack –“

  “You are such a geek.” She smiled

  “Hey, I was looking on the net today at pregnancy and stuff to see if you needed –“I paused when she burst into another round of loud sobs. “Lou, I'm sorry please don’t cry.”

  She shook her head then threw herself at me and hugged me tightly.

  “Thank you, I needed to hear that.” She sat back on the sofa wiping at her eyes “these damn hormones.” She laughed “I’m going to go take a shower before mum and dad get home. Do you fancy a chick-flick tonight, I can do your toe nails in that new polish I got the other day?”

  I nodded “as long as I get to choose the film.” Lou grumbled “Yeah but no musical crap.”

  “We could watchGlee” I said hopefully

  “You are a twenty-five year old woman, get a grip of yourself, it is wrong on so many levels you would watch that crap.” She said in disgust.

  “They do some great covers.” I defended.

  “No!”

  She ran out of the room. But then came back popping her head around the door “Thank you Eve, for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  I smiled as my eyes glistened with tears you have no idea what I would do for you I wanted to say. I smiled and shook my head, happy that she was in a better frame of mind.

  My phone chimed and I grabbed it, my heart doing a little flip at the hope it was Dominic. It wasn’t instead my heart plummeted

  Angel I will b home tomorrow night

  Wear something sexy we r going out Pick you up at 7

  There goes a perfect day completely ruined by his impending arrival.

  Okay. Where r we going?

  I really hated the weekends when he came home.

  Meeting some friends in town You okay?

  What could I say no, please stay in Manchester and leave me in peace?

  I'm good, I had some good news today.

  Mr Ealing wants me to go to Salisbury next week to help finalise a new product

  I anxiously waited for his reply hoping above all else he would be happy for me and finally acknowledge I wasn’t an idiot like he accused me of.

  We will discuss that when I get home

  What the hell does that mean?

  Is something wrong? It’s a great opportunity

  I agree but you are NOT going

  What? Is he for real, why would he not want me to go? My heart started pounding as if he had just walked in the room, my skin prickled and I knew he would forbid me from going and I wanted this, I loved my job and advancements in the pharmaceutical world were fantastic to be a part of and I would be heading this.

  I already agreed. I want to go, It’s too good an opportunity to miss.

  I leave Monday.

  With a defiant strength I pressed send and swallowed. I felt proud of myself, I almost felt liberated that I had expressed my wish and that I was not going to change my mind.

  I received no reply so I happily enjoyed my small victory. I spent the rest of my evening with my sisters doing nails until Ellie’s bedtime then Lou and I finally agreed upon the mirror has two faces to watch.

  Chapter 8

  The Loft was very busy, I looked completely out of place in my dark jeans and long sleeved tunic. Most women wore beautiful bright coloured tops, skirts or low back dresses. Although most left little to the imagination they made the women in them appear faultless and beautiful. I, on the other hand looked like someone’s embarrassing eccentric Aunt. The only skin I showed was that on my face and hands. I looked unfashionable and very uncomfortable. Elliott’s meaning of wear something sexy is code for look like a tart and I beat you senseless. I had once made the mistake of wearing a gorgeous back knee length halter neck dress to a work party. That evening when we got home a very drunk and angry Elliott taught me never to wear sexy by giving me two cracked ribs and a fractured wrist. Luckily mum and dad were on holiday so whilst I recuperated they were none the wiser.

  Elliott wore his black Ralph Lauren denims with his white V-necked t-shirt. I admit once upon a time I found this look a little enticing; now it repulsed me and I wished to have those days back, start at the beginning so I could take it all back and walk away from him. Elliott was a very handsome looking man it was the inside that was utterly ugly.

  Elliott and I had been dating for over seven years now. It would be easy to say it was love at first sight, cherubs with bow and an arrow shooting us with their love magic, the reality is I stumbled into a relationship with him. And yet again it all comes back to my, I suppose obsession, with Dominic. I grew up with both boys, by moving next door to them at a young age we became inseparable. From the moment I met Dominic I had a silly girlish crush on him. I never understood the dynamics of age difference, he may have been seven years my senior but to me he was simply my best friend. I would follow him everywhere, mum used to say we were the inseparable duo. Whether that was simply me following Dominic everywhere or that he wanted to be with me I don’t know but I suspect the latter, because he would seek me out as much as I him. Elliott was always a little harder to like, he would be mean one minute but kind and caring the next as if he liked to make you cry but relished in making you smile afterwards. When I was little I would avoid being alone with him, because if I'm being truthful he scared me. But the thing with Elliott was he had this strange magnetism, almost like when he did turn the charm on, you needed to be near him. Why did I eventually end up in a relationsh
ip with him?

  I was sixteen when Dominic decided that he no longer liked commuting every day to university, so he decided to rent a student flat with some friends from campus. Adam was on his course, Vanessa also who moved in with them, she needed the Chemistry, biology and physics for her foundation stage training. Dominic never mentioned girls or girlfriends and to my knowledge he never had a serious relationship whilst he was there. I could only assume there were relations of sorts going on because let’s face it he is unbelievably gorgeous. So when he moved into his new accommodation I went from seeing him daily to seeing him at weekends, then due to his increased course work and dissertations he returned home at weekends less and less. My friends at school would invite me out to parties and we would go to a few bars and clubbing using our fake ID but I constantly missed him. Elliott started coming round more to our house and we would spend time together, watching films or video games and I will admit that he was sweet and managed to make me laugh quite a bit. I didn’t feel quite as lonely. I liked the attention and he made me feel special, like I mattered and that I wasn’t a silly little girl. He did tell me that he liked me more than a friend, and that if I wasn’t so in love with his brother he would ask me out. I remember smiling and being ridiculously embarrassed because I didn’t know what to say back to him. He was sweet though and never pushed for anything and I did consider him a true friend and I liked spending time with him. But then it all went nightmarishly wrong and here I am today, beaten bruised and totally broken.