Complicated

by Ashley Love

  "Fuck him," Harry spits, stepping to me, and I know I should take a step back but I hesitate. I always hesitate. "And fuck them. Scarlett, I don't care." His voice is soft and broken as he brings his hand up to run the backs of his fingers down my cheek. "I just wanna be with you."

  His eyes are large and pleading as I swallow hard, my entire body trembling. My tongue is thick as cotton in my mouth and he's begging me to stay. With every fiber of his being he's begging me to stay and my heart aches. He's so close to me, I can feel the heat from his skin, feel his breath fanning across my face. I can't do this. I can't. He has to go. I take a step back.

  "Harry, my flight leaves at a quarter to eight tomorrow," I say as evenly as possible, brushing his words away. His hand falls to his side, his face wounded and sad. "I have... I have things to do. It's...it's late." I swallow hard. "You...you should go."

  "I love you, Scar," he replies softly and it's like a punch in the gut. "You're just gonna leave me? I love you. More than anything." His voice breaks and he looks down, biting his bottom lip hard. "You're...you're just gonna leave?"

  My heart is breaking, cracking and shattering and I'm falling apart inside. I can't do this. I can't do this. He's looking at me, his lip practically trembling and he looks as lost as I feel right now.

  "I don't have a choice, Harry," I say softly, fighting the urge to touch his face, fighting the urge to throw my arms around him and seek the comfort he would unwittingly give.

  "Yes, you do!" he exclaims weakly and his eyes are wet and I can't do this. "You stay. You say 'fuck you' to your professor, and my parents, and my manager and you tell me you love me and you stay." He reaches for me again but I pull back. He scowls. "You stay, Scarlett," he says, his face determined, his eyes hard and bright. "You stay with me."

  "It's not that easy," I plead, my chest tightening. I sigh, shaking my head at him. "You're so young—"

  "What does that have to do with anything!" he laughs humorlessly, shaking his head in a baffled way. "I don't care if you're twenty-three or eighty—" I snort and he glares at me. I look down, chastised. "I don't care. You're always gonna be that much older than me forever. And that's how long I'm gonna love you so you need to get the fuck over it."

  "Harry—"

  "You can't tell me you don't love me," he says, his eyes determined, barely holding his tears at bay. "I know you love me. Why won't you just say it?"

  "I can't do that," I say, shaking my head and swallowing hard. "You know I can't say that to you."

  I can't. If I say it I'll never leave. He has to know that. My entire body is trembling, every ounce of willpower being used not to cry and he's shaking too as he lets his head fall back with a defeated sigh, biting his bottom lip hard. He brings his head forward again, his eyes boring into mine and when he opens his mouth to speak, his voice isn't his own. It's a defeated whimper of sound as he begs me.

  "Please, Scarlett."

  I shake my head, my eyes closing because I can't see him so broken. I can't see the impact my leaving has on him. He has to go. He has to leave so I can leave. I can't do this. My eyes are shut tight so it's a shock when he's against me in an instant, his hands curling around my jaw, holding me almost painfully. I open my eyes and his face is wet, tears streaming from his blue eyes and a sob works its way from my throat to see him so distraught, to know that I'm the one that's hurting him so deeply. His breath is coming in hisses between his clenched teeth, his fingers digging into the delicate flesh behind my ears, his hands shaking hard as he grips my face.

  "If you're gonna leave me, tell me you love me," he whimpers, his voice uneven and weak and it's all I can do to keep my tears at bay.

  "Harry..." I breathe hard, sucking in air the best I can because fuck, this hurts like hell, seeing him this way, knowing it's me that's causing it. "Harry, I can't."

  "FUCKING TELL ME!" he screams, his hands sliding down to cup my neck and he forces my forehead against his, grinding our skulls together and I can't hold it back anymore.

  "I c-c-can't," I sob, my entire body convulsing with it. I shake my head, my nose bumping against his as I grip his wrists tight in my hands. "I w-w-won't...god Harry, I can't."

  "TELL ME DAMMIT!" he yells, shaking me a little, his breaths coming in wet gasps, his face screwed up in anguish as tears drip from his nose and jaw. I choke on a sob, my nails digging into the delicate skin of his inner wrists and his grip loosens, bringing his hands up to cup my face tenderly. Calloused fingertips brush my hair back from my face and his voice is a broken whisper as he says, "Tell me and I'll let you go."

  I let my eyes slide shut, tears falling down my cheeks and he wipes at them with his thumbs, still taking care of me even when I'm breaking his heart. The silence in the room is deafening, nothing but the sound of our ragged breaths and suppressed sobs. My heart is breaking and I can't take it. I can't do this to him. I can't bear it. I love him too much and I know what I'm about to do will kill us both, but I can't do this anymore.

  "I love you..."

  It's no more than a shaky whisper, barely audible even in the silence but it's as if the room explodes when I say it, a guttural sob pulling from his throat as his mouth crushes to mine. Stars explode behind my eyes, as our tears mix on our faces, breathing into each other's mouths because between our sobs we can't breathe but we can't not kiss either; I need his lips like I need air. He holds me hard against him and my arms circle around his shoulders, trying to press myself as close to him as possible because I can't let go. Not now. Not ever. His arms slide around my waist, his hands wide and warm against my lower back. He wraps his arms fully around me and bends his knees just enough to get the leverage to lift me up and my feet dangle a few inches off the floor.

  I gasp into his mouth as he staggers the few inches to the bed, laying me back and crawling over me, his lips only leaving mine for a split second. My hands delve into his mass of curls, my legs splaying on either side of his hips, allowing him to press intimately against me, pushing my body up into his as his lips smudge across my jaw and down my neck.

  "I love you," he murmurs softly against my skin as his hands smooth my shirt up my body.

  I'm completely spun as he touches me gently, reverently, my brain fuzzy and clouded. But that's how it always is when I'm with him. So I do the only thing I can, something I've never done when I'm with him. I turn my brain off, and I let my heart take over.

  "I love you, too," I whisper back and his hands stop as he pulls back to look me in the face, his eyes uncertain as if he can't trust his own ears.

  I smile softly at him, cupping his face in my hands, running my thumbs along the soft skin under his eyes and they close, his lashes tickling the tips of my fingers. I place one hand on his shoulder, the other reaching up to fluff the curls off his forehead and I just let my fingers trace his features. My fingertips brush his forehead, my forefinger trailing down the bridge of his nose and across his cheek. They skate over his jawline before I cup his chin, my thumb brushing across his full bottom lip which he licks in response.

  I bring my mouth to his softly and my stomach quivers, a well of emotion washing over me. His lips slant over mine and his tongue slides past my lips, tasting me slowly and sweetly. My heart is thundering in my chest as he pulls back slightly, his hands smoothing my t-shirt up over my breasts. I raise my shoulders off the bed to allow him to tug it off.

  There is no gawking or staring like before, he just tosses it aside and crosses his arms over his body to pull his tank top over his head. I watch him, somewhat mesmerized. He allows his body to fall back over mine, his chest pressing against me, skin on skin, and it's enough to make me sigh contentedly, my arms wrapping around his back. I press my cheek against his shoulder, his skin warm and soft against mine and his hand slips under my head, cradling it gently as his other arm slips between my back and the mattress, holding me against him.

  My eyes well as that wave of emotion hits me again, my chest tightening with it, causing me to press my face harder i
nto him, my palms flattening against his back before I dig my nails in just slightly. He kisses the side of my head, his nose nuzzling in my hair before his lips smudge along my cheekbone, then down my face. I loll my head to the side, giving him full access to the long column of my neck and he smiles before he dips his head, kissing my pulse point and then dragging his lips down to nibble at the crook of my shoulder.

  He pulls back and looks down at me, a look of awe and adoration and love as fierce and unrelenting as an out-of-control blaze washing his features, and it scares me, but it's all right because he's with me. He reaches up, his fingers hovering tentatively at my hairline before he drags his fingertips down, and I close my eyes as they brush across my eyelids, down the bridge of my nose and cheeks and stopping briefly at my lips, reading my smile like brail. I open my eyes and he's still gazing lovingly at me, causing me to pull my bottom lip between my teeth, shy under his penetrating stare and he tugs it free with his thumb before leaning in to kiss me deeply.

  His hands skim down my body, his touch light and gentle, memorizing me by touch and it hits me that this could be the last time we ever do this. Panic seizes me and tears pool in my eyes, my hands clutching at his skin desperately. He pulls his face from my neck just in time to see a tear slide from the corner of my eye to my hairline and his brow knits, his hand cupping my face. I shake my head as I open my mouth to tell him it's okay, but he kisses me before I have the chance to speak.

  It's slow and deep and in a moment all I can think of is the way he's pressing into me, the way his skin is so warm against mine. My hands smooth down his sides, thumbs hooking in the waistband of his basketball shorts and he pulls back, resting his forehead against my own as I shimmy them and his boxer-briefs over his slim hips. He kicks them off his legs before sitting back slightly and staring down at me, his hands skimming down my body. His fingers stop at the barrier of my sleep shorts, tracing the skin softly before peeling them and my underwear off.

  When he lies over me, he's touching me everywhere, his hips against my thighs, his belly against mine, the insides of his arms nestled against the outsides of mine, and I've never felt this close to a person before. His hands move slowly down my body, his grip reaching down to cup one of my knees before smoothing up the outside of my thigh and then underneath, his fingers curling so that his nails scratch me gently, smoothing the backs of his fingers down to my knee again. His eyes search mine and I gaze back up at him uncertainly, butterflies setting loose in my stomach, my hands rubbing against his sides tentatively.

  We've done this dozens of times but for some reason, right now, him touching me feels like the first time. It almost feels like I've never done this before and I feel somewhat lost and kind of ridiculous because it's sex and, of course, I've done this before, but I can't shake this nagging feeling that I haven't done this before. It doesn't make sense even to me, but somehow I sense that he understands. It's in the way he's looking down at me, his eyes soft and reassuring as his hands come up to cup my face gently.

  He smiles down at me and licks his lips before kissing me over and over again. I whimper against his mouth as my heart flutters like a spooked bird in my ribcage, but he holds me steady, his hands cradling my face gently. My hands are clutching his sides, palms flat against the dip of his waist, holding him somewhat uncertainly, as if I don't know what to do with my hands, but I know I want to be touching him. He pulls back just slightly and nuzzles his nose against mine, shifting his hips, and I tremble when I feel him press against me intimately.

  My eyes are wide as I look up at him, my heart hammering inside my chest, and I'm sure he can feel it. My breath is coming in short pants against his lips, my eyes flitting from his to his cheek, his gaze so intense and intimate that I can't look at him for too long.

  "Scarlett," he says my name softly, reverently, like a prayer and my eyes lock on his as his hand skims down my thigh again. "It's okay," he whispers, his lips brushing mine. He smiles. "I'm scared, too."

  My breathing hitches and my hand comes up to fist in the curls at the base of his skull as I press my cheek to his, my breath coming in short pants against his ear. He's shushing me softly as his hand slides beneath my lower back, lifting my hips just slightly so that he's poised at my entrance. My nails scratch lightly against his scalp as my other hand clutches at his back, my entire body shaking and I can't believe I'm being like this. It's just Harry. It's just sex. But something tells me that those two things together will never be "just" anything anymore.

  "You ready, baby?" he whispers into my hair before pulling back and cupping my face gently.

  He's looking down at me lovingly, his eyes blue and deep and I let myself fall into them in that way I've only ever been able to do with him. I take a deep breath and nod slightly, nuzzling my face against his, letting my eyes close as I tighten my arms around him and try to relax.

  "Look at me, Scarlett," he whispers softly as the backs of his fingers brush my cheek tenderly, and I open my eyes just in time to see him smile.

  He pierces me and I cry out, my heart exploding as my back arches, pushing my body against his, needing to be close to him because right now being away from him scares me more than anything. He shushes me gently as I whimper and writhe, clutching at his body as if he were going to pull away at any second. His hand wraps around my jaw gently, holding me steady as he presses and presses and presses until he's buried deep inside and we're both trembling.

  "God, Scar," he whimpers, his head dropping to my shoulder, and I clutch at his back, holding onto him for dear life.

  He swallows hard, settling his body flush against mine, our bellies pressing softly together as he supports himself on his elbows. His tongue sneaks out to wet his lips as a smile tugs at his mouth and his eyes never leave mine as he touches my face tenderly. We're both panting as he brings his lips to mine, hovering just slightly, not wanting to break our gaze and when he presses his lips to mine, he's still watching me, even up until my eyes slide shut in pleasure. His tongue dips in and I shiver hard because he's touching me everywhere. Outside and inside, he's all I can feel, and this overwhelming sense of closeness envelops me. And I don't just feel full. I feel whole. Complete.

  I pull back, pressing my forehead hard to his as a small whimper pulls from my throat. He's so close and he's all over me and it's the most amazing thing I have ever felt. To not feel empty and alone, to be completely connected to someone, to him. And to have him look at me like I'm perfect and have him touch me like I'm the only thing he could ever need. To finally feel wanted and loved and good enough. His mouth presses to mine again and again and again, his body buried deep inside me and I'm dizzy from it all, from his mouth, from his hands, and from this feeling that is completely overtaking me.

  When he slides back just slightly, I gasp at the loss but it melts into a low moan when his back arches and he dips back in slowly, his body deep inside mine once more. My hands grip and clutch at his sides, holding him as close to me as possible, feeling his heart thud against my breast. He moans low in his chest as his lips brush mine and it's hard to imagine that I could ever possibly need anything more than this. When his nose nuzzles mine and he whispers that he loves me, my breath catches in my throat at the sincerity in his voice, and I do the only thing I can. I say it back.

  He smiles widely at me, his body settling over mine before he begins to roll his hips, setting a slow and steady pace that has me breathless. I lift my legs, my thighs gripping his hips as he tugs back and pushes in again and again. I'm whimpering with every roll of his hips, the closeness overwhelming and it's almost too much but he's right here with me. He's here and he's not going anywhere... at least not for now.

  His forehead is pressed to mine and he's staring down at me through heavy lids, his lips bumping against mine as we breathe each others breaths and if I didn't know better I'd say our hearts were beating in time with each other's. But that's impossible, isn't it? That only happens in romance novels. I breathe deep, concentrating on the feeli
ng of his heart thudding against my skin and the roar of my own in my ears and it's impossible. They can't be...

  He groans deep before his mouth captures mine and I shiver as he kisses me slow over and over again until I'm dizzy and I can't think or care about anything else but him here with me. My hands are curling and uncurling against his back, gripping him tightly as he slips in and out of me slowly, my hips rocking to meet him thrust for thrust. His pace is languid and easy, his hip bone bumping my clit pleasurably as he moves, and I'm panting hard, pleasure coursing through me.

  His mouth is on mine, kissing me sweetly over and over again, his hands curling around my shoulders before sliding down my arms. One hooks under my thigh, tugging my leg around his hip and I mimic the motion with my other, crossing my ankles at his lower back allowing him to slide deeper into me and I cry out against him, my cheek pressing into his shoulder because it's too much. I hold onto him and he's got me. I know he has me. He wouldn't let me go. I know this. I know it.

  His hand grips my jaw again, turning my face to him and I whimper softly but his lips coax me gently, kissing me and bringing me back to him, holding me and keeping me here in this moment with him, and he has me and I am safe. Our breathing is ragged, our bodies rocking against each other, holding onto each other for dear life because in this moment we are all we have. We are all we need.

  "Oh...god...Sc—" It melts into a moan before it can fully leave his lips and he buries his face in my neck, his breath fanning my damp skin. "I love you."

  I choke back a sob, tears welling in my eyes as my arms tighten around him, and when he pulls back and kisses me they slip down my cheeks.

  "I love you," he murmurs, kissing away my tears and I'm waiting to wake up because this has to be a dream. It feels too good and he's too perfect.

  "I love you, too," I somehow manage to breathe and the smile that breaks out over his face dazzles me