Landslide

by Jenn Cooksey

“It’s okay, Daddy, it’s a girl thing,” Lola tells him seriously and with a sympathetic nod.

  “Wait a—Did that just happen? Did I just get ganged up on? That’s not cool.”

  I chuckle at him.

  “Do you like cats? I have a cat.”

  “Mmhm, I do, most of the time. And I know you have one, I’ve met him,” I reply, thinking of Prince Sparkle Bottom and his inclination to scare the bejeezus out of people sitting by that chair next to the loft. In thinking about him though, it occurs to me why his name is so ridiculous. “I bet you’re the one who named him, huh?”

  She grins and nods. “I got him on Christmas three years ago. There was all this glitter in the box he was in so his behind was super sparkly. My daddy said it was magic dust from Santa’s workshop. I have a dog too. I got her for Christmas the Christmas after I got my cat. Her name is Skull Eater, ‘cause Prince Sparkle Bottom gave me and my daddy and my grampa a dead bird for Christmas and Skull Eater got it and ate the bird’s skull. We heard the crunching and everything!” My aghast eyes fly to Cole. Sarcastically impassive, he just nods, like, yep. Welcome to my life. “I got a fish for Christmas last year. It disappeared though.”

  Disappeared as in became a light snack for the cat, I’m guessing. “What was your fish’s name?”

  “Kevin.”

  I blink. “Uh, why Kevin?”

  She shrugs. “I dunno. He needed a name. Kevin is a name.”

  I nod in acceptance while Cole stifles his amused laughter at me. “True. Kevin is a name.”

  “Daddy, I have to go potty.”

  “Okay, pumpkin, let’s go.” Automatically, Cole reaches for Lola’s hand but, she shies away—towards me…

  “Can Miss Erica take me? Please?” she asks so sweetly, looking up at me with the most hopeful and angelic of faces.

  My heart stops. And judging from his expression, so does Cole’s. With more than slight reluctance pervading every one of his features and the whole of his body language, his eyes flash to mine before he reaches for her hand again and opens his mouth to tell her no. I suck in a breath and get my words out faster.

  “I can do it.” His eyes bore into mine and my heart feels like it’s scaled the slippery surface of my throat and is stuck there now, but I nod my head anyway and reaffirm my position. “I’m okay. I can take her.”

  Clearly nervous, he mutters his stubborn disinclination, “I—I don’t know if it’s a good ide—”

  “Cole. It’s a trip to the bathroom,” I rationalize and cross my arms over my chest, becoming a smidge defensive and upset with him for being so averse to me being alone with Lola for less than ten minutes, as if he doesn’t trust me. And I’m sorry; I get how protective of her he is and all the reasons why he has the right to be, but it’s me. How does he expect me to come to terms with her or even begin to consider integrating myself into their lives like he’d so passionately begged me to do if he won’t give Lola and me time to get to know each other without him standing guard? “Do you want me to get to know her or not?”

  He blinks, his nervousness still very much in evidence as his gaze passes back and forth between Lola’s face and mine. However, he nods his consent, takes Lola’s candy cane that she hands him, and then he takes a hesitant step back from her. “I—I’ll, just…wait—uh, here,” he stumbles through his words, looking around and pointing in several directions at once, exhibiting that he really has no idea what to do with himself now, “I guess. Um, or…over there…by that tree.”

  I’m shaking my head at him, knowing he’s most likely going to try sucking down as many cigarettes as humanly possible while we’re gone, when without warning, Lola slips her hand into mine. I feel my eyes widen in surprise and I have to tell myself to breathe. Cole notices.

  “Yeah, that tree looks good.”

  I forcibly keep myself from openly agreeing with him…

  “Come on, Miss Erica…bathroom is this way, and I gotta go,” Lola tells me and begins towing me by the hand, “I’m not supposed to hold it ‘cause of my tummy, even though I got my tummy fixed. My doctor says holding it is bad for you even if you don’t have tummy problems like I did.”

  “Your doctor is right. Holding it too long can cause urinary tract infections…you know what those are?”

  She nods, a little too vigorously and out comes the bow altogether. I stoop to grab it. “Mmhm. I had to take yucky medicine every day to stop them but I still got sick with them all the time on account of having a secret other tube no one knew I had going from my right kidney to my bladder,” she stops and giggles, and when I look at her in question, she explains, “Bladder is a funny word.”

  Just to hear myself say it, I say bladder aloud a few times and in as many different ways, putting emphasis on as many alternate parts of the word as I can think of, making Lola giggle even more and me come to the conclusion that she’s right; bladder is kind of a funny word.

  “So, when did you get your tummy fixed?”

  “In October, right before Halloween. I got to go trick-or-treating in the hospital. It was so much fun!” she squeals and lets go of my hand for a quick second to twirl in a circle with her arms spread wide. “I had tubes coming out of my tummy and one in my arm, and that one was attached to a bag of medicine on a pole, so my grampa pulled me in a wagon! And I got lots of candy! No candy with nuts though. Some kids have allergies and the hospital had a no nut rule.”

  We get to the bathroom and without even thinking about it, I help Lola take her gloves off and work the button on her pants; she does the rest on her own but not without pointing out her scar first. It’s very similar to what a C-section scar looks like; horizontal and about three inches long, and it sits right below her bikini line, except hers will shrink as she grows up and will most likely hardly be noticeable once she hits puberty, and she has an additional smaller slit-type scar above the big one from where a drainage tube was placed.

  “That’s pretty impressive, Lola. I bet it didn’t hurt though, did it?”

  “Mm-mm.” She shakes her head and hops up on the toilet; the one bow left in her hair slips a bit. I pull it out as well as both rubber-bands and get to work redoing her hair so that the bows won’t come out again until they’re taken out.

  “Here, I’m gonna fix these for you while you go potty, okay?”

  “Okey dokey.”

  First feeding one of the ribbons through a rubber-band and then tying it around the band before gathering a few ringlets with my fingers, I ask her, “Were you scared to have surgery?”

  She shakes her head again. “No. My daddy and my grampa were though. They said they weren’t, but my Uncle Payton told on them.”

  “Uncle Payton told you they were scared?”

  “Mmhm. My Uncle Payton quitted the Air Force just in time to sit with them in the waiting room and he was teasing them for it afterwards. Then my daddy told on my Uncle Payton on account that he was the one who cried first when the doctors were done and they all got to see me. But I was still sleeping so I didn’t see anyone crying. Do you know my Uncle Payton?”

  I nod and tightening up the first bow, I move on to the second, marveling over the fact that this little girl has those three grown men utterly wrapped around her little finger and she doesn’t even have to try. In fact, I’d be willing to bet she doesn’t even know it. “I do. Only a little bit though.”

  “I love my Uncle Payton. I can’t wait for him to live here. He’s so big and cuddly. He makes my daddy laugh and we’ll get to read together all the time in real life. I used to get to practice reading with him on FaceTime when he was living in other countries and when he was deployed. Do you know what deployed is?”

  “Mmhm.”

  “Do you like to read?”

  “I love to read.”

  “Me too. So does my daddy and my Uncle Payton. We like reading all kinds of stories together, but especially happily ever after stories. My Uncle Payton even painted my new room for me with all kinds of pictures and parts of storie
s all over the walls!”

  “I know. I saw what he did…he must love you a lot.”

  She nods and reaches for the toilet paper. “Time to do the paperwork!”

  The paperwork… That still makes me giggle. I take a step back though and let her do her thing while I hold onto a chunk of un-banded hair in one hand. She finishes and goes to slide off the toilet. “Oh, hold still for another second, okay, sweetheart, lemme get this side done really quick.”

  Swinging her feet in what I’m guessing is a sign of boredom, she heaves a breath and then asks, “How do you know my daddy?”

  “Oh, well…I grew up with him. I met him when I was even younger than you are now.”

  “You did?”

  “Yep. He was my best friend. Still is too.”

  “Then do you know my other daddy too?”

  I pull up short, not knowing if I should be talking about Holden with her without Cole around to run interference. Then it occurs to me that if Cole has told her all about Holden, he might not object. And besides, it’s one simple question and I can’t not answer her.

  “Mmhm…I did,” I mumble and finish with her hair, “All done!”

  She hops off the toilet, flushes and starts doing up her pants again. I help her wash her hands, and when I’m helping her get her gloves back on I notice her delicate pink fingernail polish with a clear layer of glitter over it.

  “I like your nail polish, Lola. It matches your jacket very nicely.”

  “Thank you. Miss Amelia and my grampa took me to get my fingers and toes painted at this place in Florida where they serve this drink called champagne. Except I didn’t get to have any like Miss Amelia and my grampa. The nail people gave me orange juice instead, but there was no pulp…I like pulp. And I wanted red fingernail polish but my grampa said no. He said I’m too young. I told him I’m not so he called my daddy. Then he said I have to wait until I’m at least ten.”

  “I wasn’t allowed to wear red polish or even red lip gloss until I was eighteen.”

  “Really?”

  “Mmhm. I was okay with it though because there’s all sorts of pretty colors I was allowed to wear.”

  “Your mommy sounds way stricter than my daddy is.”

  “Oh, well…it wasn’t my mommy. It was my grandma…she and my grandpa raised me.”

  “How come?”

  “Because my parents and my brother died when I was a baby.”

  Her eyes grow huge, and I suddenly realize Lola and I share something. “Mine too. Except I never had a brother and my daddy died before I was ever even born. His heart stopped working.”

  I nod and try to not let myself get weepy remembering the moment I heard. “I know.”

  “And my mommy was just sad. She didn’t get a happily ever after like my daddy did.”

  My forehead wrinkles. “Um, Lola, what do you mean that your daddy got a happily ever after?”

  “My daddy told me my other daddy had a beautiful girlfriend who was like a fairy princess and she loved him lots and lots and lots so he got to die happy. ‘Cause of her love,” she says, solemnly nodding and with the utmost seriousness.

  I have to start blinking and fake a sneeze to wipe at the tears building in my eyes before Lola notices how shaken I am—how moved. In a way, Cole told her about me. He used me to comfort her; to give her peace of mind about her father’s death. The selflessness that must’ve taken him to do…the unbridled love…knowing what Holden did and how, at the time, Holden was the reason Cole wouldn’t have his own fairytale ending. Cole freely gave it to the two of them…to Holden and his daughter.

  We round the corner, Lola’s hand comfortably in mine. Through misty eyes I scan the area we were at before and through the sea of kids playing and parents huddled together talking, laughing, and sipping hot beverages as their younger children wait in line to sit on Santa’s lap, I spy Jerry animatedly speaking to a tree. A puff of gray smoke comes from behind it and disappears as it joins the gaiety of the holiday atmosphere. Jerry sees us and hands a coffee cup to the tree.

  “You prolly know my daddy’s girlfriend too, don’t you?”

  I stutter to a stop, completely unsure how to answer. “Um…I—uh…I—”

  She interrupts, rescuing me from an incredibly awkward moment where no answer I could think of would’ve been an uncomplicated one or something she would understand. “Do you think she loves him still?”

  “I think she must.” Following Lola’s gaze to see Cole watching us intently while leaning against the tree instead of hiding behind it, I have to admit to myself that he was right. Despite the awful thing he did, there was more to Holden, and he nor his life should be defined by that single act…he deserves to be remembered for all the good—he deserves grace and forgiveness.

  Lola takes her hand from mine and turns to face me, tipping her head back a little so I bend to her level, knowing she wants to see my face when she asks, “Do you love my daddy?”

  “Mmhm, I did. Everyone loved Holden,” I tell her and quickly wipe a tear from my cheek.

  She giggles at me and rolls her eyes. “No, silly, not that daddy. I mean my real daddy.” Her arm swings around and she points at the tree behind her without looking. “Do you love him?”

  Everything inside me comes to a complete and total halt. I can’t even breathe. On their own my eyes gravitate to Cole still leaning against the tree, wearing curiosity and maybe mild tension on his face. I look back to Lola and meet the innocence in her eyes, tears filling my own.

  Terrified, I feel my head barely nodding as I whisper, “Is—Is that…okay with you?”

  Lola smiles and nods enthusiastically. “Do you think you might love him happily ever after?”

  Tears cascading down my face, I look at Cole again; unmitigated concern is clearly in his eyes and worry is etched deep in his face now. On alert, he pushes from the tree, and like when I thought I was dying, every memory spills through my mind. I feel so stupid. I don’t know how I didn’t see it years ago, and I don’t know how I ever thought I could get away with lying to myself and him once I did…or how I could even consider not fighting for us…not pouring every single ounce of myself into giving him everything he could ever want, like he’s given me all my life. I don’t know how I could be jealous or think he would ever put Lola ahead of me or his own child if we have one…he has more room in his heart than the sky has stars. All I know is that at the end, when I thought I was closing my eyes forever, I had to get back to him so I could make sure he knew that I have loved him all my life…and maybe it hasn’t been as much as he’s loved me, but I needed to tell him how much I desperately want to try to love him even more than that.

  I look back at Lola’s expectant face, the soft brown of her eyes—of Cole’s eyes—intently staring back at me, insistent yet patient. For all the pain and loss she’s experienced, she doesn’t know what any of it feels like—it’s never truly touched her soul. Because of Cole—because of her real father. And I don’t know if I’ll ever have days where I feel hateful towards Holden or not, and I don’t know how the future will work or have even a clue what it’ll be like, but I know I want to help Cole make sure this little girl’s soul stays pure and untouched…I want to help bring her peace. And I know I can start doing that right now just by telling her the truth—truth that’s been buried in the past and by lies of all shapes and sizes…truth that she helped me unearth once and for all.

  “There’s no might and I don’t have to think, Lola. I know I do. I know I love your daddy happily ever after.”

  49

  “All That You Are”

  —Cole—

  Exhaling while making my hand open and shut like the beak of a duck, I shake my head and roll my eyes at Jerry yammering about how his kid didn’t scar my daughter for life by showing her his wang. I mean goddamnit, she’s six! And let’s be real here…penises are not attractive in the least, even Payton would agree with that I’m sure, and seeing one had to be some scary shit for an innocent, six-
year-old little girl. My innocent, six-year-old little girl.

  “Come on, man…Roxy nosed him really good. He thought it was broken and he was afraid to look, that’s all! He’d barely even gotten his pants down before I came in and saw what was going on. Swear to God, she couldn’t have seen it for more than two seconds if that!”

  “Nope. She’s ruined. Your son ruined my baby girl.”

  “Oh, Jesus Christ… Ruined?! What do you want him to do? Marry her now?”

  My jaw drops and I gasp in horror. “Are you out of your mind?! She’s not marrying Alec!”

  “Are you saying my son isn’t good enough for your daughter?”

  “Yes. Yes, I am. But it’s not him exclusively. It’s all boys. She’s too good for the lot of ‘em.”

  “You are so screwed… I can’t wait until you’re standing on my doorstep begging me to get you drunk because she came home with her first boyfriend and she’s on her first date.”

  “Never happening. She wouldn’t do that to me. Because I’m gonna tell her the truth about all guys. And that means she’s not getting married either.”

  “Ha! You know you’re raising her to be the kind of girl who’ll be strong enough to know she’s capable of doing everything she wants to do, right? And you know that girl is gonna wanna get married. To a boy.”

  “Nope…she’s never getting married. Simple as that.”

  I put another cigarette in my mouth and go to light it with the already lit one when Jerry picks up his coffee cup that I’ve been using as an ashtray and shoves it at me. “Shit, put it out…they’re coming back.”

  I drop the burning smoke into the cup and stuff the other one back in the pack, looking around at nothing and sort of smacking my lips together. “I need gum or mints or something.” I would eat Lola’s candy cane, but…that’s not cool. And I’d hear about it. For months. Or years…

  He sighs and digs into his pocket, retrieving a small tin of mints as I peek around the tree to see if it’s safe and how much time I have. They’re talking so I casually step out from behind the tree and lean against it, as if I’ve been patiently waiting like this the whole time, and not going out of my mind wondering how they are, what they’re talking about, and not burning through just shy of half a pack of cigarettes while I wasn’t making myself insane.