Bad Bridesmaid

by Portia MacIntosh

  ‘My mum says you’re pregnant,’ Meg says to me in wonderment, like it’s the coolest thing she’s ever heard. ‘That’s awesome!’

  ‘Sorry to disappoint you, but she’s wrong,’ I tell her gently. ‘Can you give your sister and me a minute, please? And don’t mention to anyone that I’m up here.’

  Meg, disappointed, grabs her phone and leaves the room.

  ‘Nope, I’m not pregnant,’ I say again, now that it’s just Hannah and me, ‘but, someone is, and I think that someone is you.’

  Hannah doesn’t need to say anything, the terrified look on her face confirms everything.

  ‘Shit, Han, you should have told me sooner.’ I sit down on the bed next to her and put my arm around her. ‘How long have you known?’

  ‘I only found out for sure yesterday,’ she admits. ‘I guess I already knew. We did it, but we didn’t use anything – Lee said I couldn’t get pregnant the first time.’

  ‘Well Lee is a fucking douchebag,’ I tell her. ‘Did he put pressure on you?’

  Hannah nods.

  ‘He said there were plenty of other girls who wanted to do it with him, but I was his girlfriend. I wish I hadn’t now.’

  ‘I meant what I said before, never ever sleep with someone you don’t absolutely want to do it with. Wait for someone you trust.’

  Hannah raises her eyebrows at me – she’s obviously heard at least something about last night.

  ‘Look, I’m not going to tell you that you should only ever sleep with one person, and that it should be when you’re madly in love and getting married, but you should only sleep with someone you want to, who you trust, when you are absolutely one hundred percent ready – and with protection,’ I add. ‘Always use protection.’

  ‘It’s a bit late for that now,’ she laughs. Bless her for smiling in what must feel like such an awful situation.

  ‘You’re not going to want to hear it, but you need to talk to your mum,’ I tell her.

  ‘She’ll go mad,’ she squeaks. ‘Look at how she reacted when she thought it was you.’

  ‘Yeah, but that’s ‘cause she thinks it’s your dad’s baby I’m having,’ I reason, and she looks horrified.

  ‘She didn’t tell you that bit?’

  Hannah shakes her head.

  ‘Doesn’t matter. Look, don’t worry, I’ll talk to her with you, OK? She’ll be cooler than you think.’

  ‘Will you tell her for me?’ she asks.

  ‘Tell you what, I’ve got some stuff to do today, your mum needs to calm down and you need to prepare yourself for telling her. Think things over and then later tonight take your mum to one side, come and find me and we’ll see what happens. You can try and tell her but if you really can’t, I’ve got your back, cool?’

  Hannah nods her head and smiles. She still looks terrified, but there’s a hint of relief there now too. She knows she’s not alone and that’s all I care about.

  It would be awful to say that I’m glad to be tackling Hannah’s problems instead of facing my own, but I am pleased to be helping her instead of making things worse for myself. Like I said before, I’ll be back home soon enough, but this lot are stuck with this life, and I don’t envy any of them one bit.

  Chapter 40

  Helping Hannah gave me a real rush of something, like I can make a difference if I want to. That’s why I have decided I will do everything I can to find my sister a replacement cake of some description. I’m not having much luck though, and as I sit alone at the kitchen table after hours of making calls and searching the net, I decide it’s probably best to call it a night. It’s nine p.m. after all, and there’s always tomorrow. I’m just not sure where else to try.

  I sip my coffee, but it’s gone cold. It’s the third one I’ve made that has gone cold, which either has something to do with the fact I’ve been trying so hard to find a cake or the frosty atmosphere in this house. Everyone is so mad at me for so many things that no one wants to talk to me. Throwing myself into finding a cake isn’t just about making things right with my sister, it’s also a very welcome distraction from being public enemy number one.

  I am startled by someone falling in through the outside door. As he climbs to his feet I realise it’s Leo, and he’s drunk.

  ‘Mia Valentina,’ he greets me. ‘What are you up to?’

  ‘I’m trying to find a cake,’ I tell him, but he’s not really listening. ‘Jesus, you’re absolutely wasted.’

  ‘Enough about me,’ he babbles. ‘I am here for my refund.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘My refund, from you. I went to see your film. For Better, For Worse,’ he informs me. ‘It was shit and I want my money back.’

  ‘Well you’re not exactly my target audience,’ I tell him, only a little wounded by his unconstructive criticism.

  ‘It was all a lie,’ he practically shouts. ‘All that love stuff, you don’t even know what love is.’

  ‘The other two write the love stuff, I do the sex scenes,’ I joke, trying to diffuse the situation. ‘Let’s get you a coffee.’

  ‘Money back first,’ he demands.

  Oh, for God’s sake, I have absolutely no time for emotional drunk men right now.

  ‘You do realise the cinema don’t just pop the money in an envelope and post it to me, right?’

  For Better, For Worse is my latest movie, currently showing in cinemas here. It’s your typical wedding romcom, although I’m especially proud of this one because for once I got to make our leading lady a bit of a bad girl, not your usual naive ditz. There’s this girl called Lulu and days after getting engaged to her long-term boyfriend she meets this other guy. Her boyfriend is safe, sweet and dependable, but this other guy is a bit of a bad boy, he’s exciting and he makes her feel alive. Like bad boys do, he tries to convince her to ditch her boyfriend and run away with him, and while I certainly know what I’d do in that situation, this is a romcom, so by the end she realises that she loves her boyfriend far too much to leave him, even if he isn’t the most exciting option.

  ‘There’s this bit towards the end,’ Leo slurs. ‘When the girl decides she isn’t going to leave her bloke, and she says that she knew she was in love with him the second she set eyes on him. Do you believe in love at first sight?’

  ‘Does it really matter?’ I ask, pulling a face as I force him to sit down at the table. I fire up the coffee machine. I suppose the one good thing about Leo being so drunk is that we don’t have to have any serious conversations – I doubt he’ll even remember this in the morning.

  ‘And another bit,’ he continues to ramble, ‘where she says falling in love is like walking on air, but you don’t even know what love feels like, so it’s all a lie.’

  ‘Once again, I didn’t write that part,’ I explain, but I’m on the verge of losing my temper with him. ‘Falling in love isn’t like walking on air, it’s like jumping off a fucking building. You jump and then sooner or later you’re going to hit the ground and it will leave you crushed.’

  ‘So you’re just going to stay up on top of your building, admiring the view and never getting too close to anyone?’

  ‘It’s one hell of a view,’ I tell him, placing a strong coffee down in front of him. ‘Drink.’

  ‘You’re wrong,’ he tells me, his breath stinking so strongly of alcohol that I can smell it from across the table.

  ‘Oh am I? Because you’re such an expert when it comes to love. Drink,’ I prompt him again. The sooner he starts to sober up, the sooner I can send him off to bed.

  ‘OK, falling in love is like jumping off a building, because it’s scary and it takes your breath away but being in love… that’s different. Real love is the person on the ground with their arms open, just waiting to catch you.’

  ‘That’s awfully profound for a drunk person,’ I tell him. ‘And it’s that kind of shit that makes the females swoon over my movies – you could get a job with me if you come out with more shit like that.’

  I like how I say females, like
I’m not one of them.

  Leo finally takes a sip of his coffee.

  ‘Are you going to keep the baby?’ he asks, still slurring but in a far less confrontational manner.

  ‘Leo, there’s no baby,’ I tell him. ‘It’s all a big misunderstanding.’

  ‘Everyone saw the test,’ he continues. ‘So it’s mine? Because Mike can’t be the dad.’

  I roll my eyes. He’s so drunk, he has no idea what he’s talking about. Given that I didn’t even sleep with Mike, it isn’t very likely that he could be a potential father to my entirely fictional baby.

  ‘It’s like the film,’ Leo reasons. ‘You can have me and I will support you both or you can have Mike, but he’s a cheat and a liar. You have to make the right choice,’ he babbles, but I’ve had about as much as I can take.

  ‘For fuck’s sake,’ I snap, because I can’t take a second more of this. ‘I am not fucking pregnant. Hannah is.’

  There’s a look of shock and horror on Leo’s face.

  ‘What?’ I hear my auntie say angrily. I turn around to see her and Hannah standing in the doorway. When Hannah asked me to tell her mum, I don’t think this is what she had in mind.

  Chapter 41

  I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my twenty-nine years on this earth – most of them recently. From interoffice relationships to destroying wedding cakes to accidentally announcing my cousin’s pregnancy to her mum, I just seem to be fucking everything up. I’m down, but I’m not out. I’m just hoping people will judge me on how I fix my mistakes, rather than the mistakes themselves.

  My first job today – the day before the wedding – is to try and help Hannah. After what happened last night she ran away and her mum ran after her. The coffee didn’t help to sober Leo up, it just made him sick, so I made myself scarce while he was in the bathroom. I haven’t spoken to Hannah or Auntie June yet, instead I popped into town while everyone was still in bed, printed out some information on pregnancy – especially the stuff with advice for teens – and slipped copies under their bedroom doors. I also slipped an apology note under Hannah’s, not that it will change anything. I seem to be throwing apologies all over the place at the moment but they don’t do much good, that’s why I’m hoping my actions will speak louder than my words.

  So, the other two problems that need tackling. Well, as far as work goes, I know that if I knuckle down and do some work today that I will begin to find my way back into my boss’s good books, but my efforts to find a cake aren’t going so well. That’s why, instead of doing my own work, I have decided that I will bake. Yes, you heard me right, I’m going to get my hands dirty (instead of my dress) and try and make a wedding cake – wedding cupcakes to be precise. Well, I wouldn’t know where to begin making a proper wedding cake with tiers and stuff, but when Belle and I were younger, making cupcakes was our thing. Hopefully that, plus the fact I am making a real effort, will mean something to her, or at least save the day.

  Before I left the house I poked my head into the dining room where most of the household were eating lunch. The room fell silent when my face appeared – something I’m getting used to. I noticed that Belle and Dan weren’t there, but I didn’t stop to take stock. I said that I was going to Shell’s Café to make cupcakes as a surprise for Belle, and casually mentioned that if anyone fancied helping, it would be greatly appreciated. Of course, no one stepped up, no one even answered me. So far Shell is the only one willing to help me by letting me use the kitchen at her café along with most of the supplies I’m likely to need. I told her that I was responsible for the demise of the wedding cake, but I thought it probably best not to mention the details.

  As I climb the few steps to Shell’s Café, I somehow manage to drop my bag and a bunch of stuff falls out. I quickly retrieve it all, hoping no one saw me. I only had to buy a few things, just specific colours and decorations. I went shopping to find food colouring to match the dresses and the ties, as well as finding edible flowers that match the last minute wedding flowers we organised. I really am trying here.

  Pushing my way through the door with the shopping in my arms, Shell can’t help but laugh at me.

  ‘Oh, love, let me help you,’ she says, taking a few things from me.

  We head for the kitchen where I finally set everything down. I can see that Shell has got everything ready for me, but she can’t help me because it’s business as usual in the café. I’m just so happy she’s letting me use this place. I promised to find a way to set a scene of a movie in her café in exchange – she didn’t need any extra incentive to help me but it’s the least I can do, and I know it will make her happy. I’m not sure how I’m going to swing that, but I’ll do my best.

  ‘Right, you know where I am if you need me,’ Shell assures me. ‘I’ll be popping in and out anyway.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I call after her.

  OK, I can do this. We were kids when Belle and I used to make these, how hard can it be?

  I open up my recipe of choice on my iPad – one of the simplest I could find – and begin measuring things out. I have no sooner started when Mike pops his head through the door.

  ‘Hello gorgeous,’ he says.

  ‘Have you come to help me?’ I ask, skipping the pleasantries. ‘I can’t even work the scales.’

  ‘Oh, no, that’s women’s work,’ he replies, and I hope he’s joking.

  ‘Well, if you’re not here to help you can fuck off,’ I laugh. ‘This isn’t going to be pretty.’

  ‘I just wanted to talk to you,’ Mike says, approaching me slowly. As he gets close to me he stands behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. ‘About the other night.’

  ‘I really can’t talk about that right now,’ I begin to tell him, just as Shell pops in to grab something. I smile at her but remain frozen in Mike’s grasp until she’s gone.

  ‘Look, get off me.’ I wiggle free, knocking a box of eggs to the floor. Every last one of them falls out of the box and smashes on the floor. ‘Shit.’

  ‘I’ll go,’ he assures me, ‘I just need to know where I stand.’

  ‘You stand with your girlfriend, you moron. I can’t believe you let me think you were single.’

  ‘You didn’t ask.’

  ‘Oh, come on, you made out like you were. And anyway, it’s your business. You want to be a cheater, be a cheater. I’m not getting involved.’

  ‘Another visitor,’ I hear Shell call from the other room, shortly before we’re joined by Leo. Brilliant, another member of my angry male fan club, just what I need.

  ‘I found these chocolate flowers on the step,’ he tells me. I must have missed those when I was picking up my dropped shopping.

  ‘Fancy that,’ Mike replies. ‘I came across a cake the other night.’

  Leo doesn’t look impressed at this joke at all. I shoot Mike an angry glance.

  ‘If you’re not here to help, you can get out,’ I snap at them both.

  ‘Fine. To be continued,’ Mike chuckles. As he passes Leo on his way to the door he gives him a pat on the back. ‘See you, bud.’

  I exhale deeply and wipe my forehead with the back of my floury hand.

  ‘Not going well?’ Leo asks me when we’re finally alone.

  ‘It was never going to, was it? I don’t know what made me think I could do this.’

  I get down on my knees and start scooping the gooey egg mess into the box they came in. As hard as I try, it just slips through my fingers – story of my life.

  Leo gets down on the floor with me.

  ‘You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs,’ he tells me encouragingly.

  ‘At this rate I will’ be making her an omelette, at least I’m capable of that.’

  Leo laughs, flashing me his gorgeous smile, and however guilty I felt before, I feel a billion times that now.

  ‘Mike not helping you then?’ he asks, and I finally feels like I should explain, I just don’t know how.

  ‘No. Nothing really happened with him, you know.
I mean, we kissed, but it wasn’t ever going to be more than that.’

  ‘It looked like it was from where I was sitting.’

  ‘Honestly,’ I reply, and hopefully he can tell that I’m being sincere. ‘I couldn’t have done it.’

  Leo nods his head thoughtfully.

  ‘I feel like you should be angrier at me than you are,’ I tell him. ‘Not that I want you to be, just…’

  ‘I’m here to help you. The fact that you’re doing this is admirable.’

  I feel my heart jump into my mouth. The fact he’s helping me is what’s admirable, he should hate my guts.

  ‘Grab me some salt,’ he insists. I do, handing it to him before joining him back on the floor. I watch as he sprinkles salt over the broken eggs.

  ‘We wait for it to dry, then it will be much easier to clean up.’

  I stare at him in amazement.

  ‘You’re like a little old lady trapped in the body of a smoking hot man,’ I laugh. ‘Where did you learn to do that?’

  ‘From my mum. One of the many benefits of still living with your mum in your late twenties,’ he insists. ‘She teaches me all the vital survival skills, she doesn’t want me getting hurt.’

  And don’t I know it.

  ‘Well, if you do want to help, that would be incredible. Thank you so much.’

  ‘It’s nothing,’ he tells me.

  We do most of the cleaning up and preparations in silence, occasionally looking at each other and exchanging smiles. It means a lot to me that, after everything, he’s still willing to help me.

  ‘Belle will appreciate this, you know,’ Leo tells me once we’re well on our way, mixing the batter.

  ‘I wouldn’t be so sure about that, she’s pretty angry. She’ll probably accuse me of doing this on purpose to ruin her wedding, and then trying to fix things to make myself look good.’

  ‘Why would you do that though?’ he asks. It might not make sense, but it’s nothing new to me.

  ‘She thinks I’m jealous. Everyone does actually. Little sister having her dream wedding, tying the knot with the man of her dreams and then there’s me, accumulating dust on the shelf. Something like that.’