Not listening to the rational part of my brain—that told me to wait, to talk first—I spun around in his embrace, tilting my head to reach his lips with mine. My thoughts quieted when he nipped at my skin with his teeth. The slight, almost teasing pain startled me alive, and I had enough lucidity to register that the room was clean and that he tasted of toothpaste. Embarrassment tugged at my core—I hadn’t taken the time to prepare like he had. My mind swirled with that thought. He had made an effort. The apartment was clean and he was shaved, showered and tasted nice. For me.
The kiss softened. It was nothing like the one we had shared in rushed desperation. This was different. He was careful—patient. He waited for me to respond, and I did. Filled with confidence that I was doing the right thing—that we were doing the right thing—I pressed my lips firmer against his, letting my fingers tangle in his damp hair to pull him closer. When he replied in turn, I was unable to contain the longing that had simmered within me for years. The rough, unsettling session we had shared yesterday hadn’t sated that need because it was a need for intimacy, not just sex.
It felt as if I’d ripped my chest open for him to step inside, and it felt as if he had. He was there with me, restoring me with his affection.
It felt as if he loved me.
Tender lips and heated breaths, roaming hands and sweet words whispered into my ear. He dispelled every fear, every apprehension.
* * * *
We awoke early, when darkness still lingered outside our tiny world. Gabriel stirred, his muscles growing tense. I reached out with my hand to keep him with me, running my touch along his warm skin. I didn’t know why it felt like I should, or even that I could, but he grew still. His breathing stayed calm and I kept stroking his chest with my fingertips.
“What time is it?” he asked, his voice less laden with sleep than I had expected.
“I don’t know. Haven’t checked.”
He grabbed my hand and put it aside, sitting up in the bed to reach his phone. “It’s only seven.”
“Do you want to sleep more, or should I get us some breakfast?” I wanted to treat him to something, still bothered that he’d been alone on Christmas Day. He deserved to be spoiled with attention.
“I need a shower,” he said instead, rising from the bed without a glance in my direction.
A pang of insecurity struck me silent. I tried my tongue, but it didn’t work.
While he padded across the floor, my gaze followed his back, watching his defined muscles flex as he moved. My tongue unwound in response. “Do you want company?”
He stilled for a second and turned his head slowly, just enough to talk, not enough to look me in the eye. “Breakfast might be an idea, though.”
Why does he sound annoyed? Maybe I was pushing him too far too soon. I should have known better.
I forced a smile, even if he wasn’t looking. “Okay, I’ll get us something to eat.”
Trying not to think too much, I rummaged through my bag until the rush of falling water reached my ears from the bathroom. Fresh clothes would be wasted on me. In fact, Gabriel wasn’t the only one who needed to shower.
Eager to rinse off the traces of a long night, I got into my clothes from yesterday, packed my bag and left the apartment behind. As the door clicked shut behind me, I tried another smile, recalling the tenderness of his kisses instead of the uneasy distance I imagined between us. It was far too easy to misinterpret gestures and the tone of someone’s voice.
My footsteps echoed in the silent hallway. Few students lingered over the holidays, or those who had were still asleep. The air was empty, as if it should have been filled with sounds and voices, and it made me feel like I was trespassing. Hurrying my steps, I reached the stairs, taking them two at a time until I landed on the upper floor. It was equally empty but more familiar. I felt welcome.
The room I shared with Chris was a mirror of Gabriel’s, but a lot nicer. I loved Gabriel, but his sense of style—not so much. He seemed to abhor color, while I couldn’t get enough. Chris had agreed on the purple curtains, the burgundy rug and small touches of other colors scattered across the place.
I dropped the bag and threw myself onto my bed. I wasn’t sure why. Perhaps I needed the comfort of soft sheets around me.
Yesterday, everything had been so simple. He had been loving and gentle. Today, he had taken a step back, which meant that I had to do the same.
Give him time, I repeated to myself.
I knew I could be a bit intense, and I was more affectionate than most, but why did he have to complicate everything? I had already told him that our relationship, if you could call it that, would be kept a secret.
Stop thinking. It would get me nowhere. He needed time, and I could be patient.
With a newfound resolve, I stripped on the spot, grabbed a towel from my bag and got into the shower. Hopefully some warm water would soothe my aching body. I wasn’t complaining, but our session last night hadn’t helped with the healing process—no matter how gentle he had been. I smiled when I remembered. Last night should have been our first time.
* * * *
Twenty minutes later, I was standing outside the only convenience store that was crazy enough to be open at this time of the day, and on this particular day at that. I strode along the aisles and got us some stuff to make a simple breakfast, shivering slightly as I walked through the chilled sections. Leafing through my wallet, I decided that I had enough money for a treat. I knew he secretly loved hot chocolate, especially if it included marshmallows.
The cashier gave me a warm smile as I approached, showing off her deep dimples. “Someone looks happy today.”
Surprised, I smiled even wider. She was right. I was happy, although mildly confused as well. “Yes, very. It’s a good day.”
“Then let’s hope you’ll have a good start to the new year as well,” she added and checked me out. “Receipt?”
“Thank you, and no thanks.”
White flakes of snow fell from the clouds above, whirling around in circles as the wind caught them off guard. It appeared as if they were dancing, light on their feet. I didn’t stop to follow their movements. Instead, I trudged through the snow to my car, feeling ready to head back.
The engine was never happy starting in the cold, muttering before it flared to life. My parents and Chris were probably right—I should get a new vehicle—but I was oddly attached to this one. Perhaps because I had driven Gabriel in it through high school. I’d been his ride wherever he’d gone. That way I’d gotten to spend a lot of alone time with him, and no one else had been there to hear us talk.
When I’d driven him, he had opened up and talked about everything. It had been a nice feeling to be the special one in his life. Even when he’d had girlfriends, he would come to me with his problems. I’d been the one who’d known days in advance that he would break up with them. Gabriel had never talked like that if other people could hear. It had been even worse at home. His parents had had the habit of listening in, or so he’d told me on more than one occasion.
I’d had other friends, of course, but everyone knew that Gabriel and I were a team. Not together as a couple, but a team that no one could separate. Not until he tore us apart by throwing me out.
Taking a deep, calming breath, I swerved the car and parked it outside the apartment complex. It was time I forgave him for that stunt he’d pulled back in June. If I held tightly to that resentment, it would drive another wedge between us, and that was the last thing I wanted.
My phone purred restlessly inside my pocket. With stiff fingers, I got it out and smiled as I saw Gabriel’s name on the display.
“Hi.”
“Where are you?” He didn’t sound happy.
“Just outside. I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Thought you’d left. Bag’s gone and everything.”
“Sorry, I took a shower in my room.”
“So you’re clean?”
“Yes?” I replied, not really sure wher
e he was going with that line of questioning.
“Good. Then come inside.” His voice turned smooth as honey. “Breakfast can wait.”
I blushed and instantly felt the familiar stirring in my groin. I closed my eyes for a second, relishing the warmth simmering within me. There was nothing to worry about. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him. Perhaps I was simply questioning myself, because it was a little bit too good to be true.
Chapter Four
The week following Christmas went by in a flash. Gabriel and I settled into a routine, and with every day I became happier and happier. The slight bumps we had experienced at the start were smoothed over and Gabriel seemed to relax more every day.
In some ways, he wasn’t acting like my old friend, but most of those changes were for the better. He treated me like a prince, lavishing me with attention and soft-spoken words of love and devotion whispered into the shell of my ear. That Gabriel hadn’t been around before.
Seeing this new side of him made me realize how right I had been about him when I’d first fallen in love. He was so much more than the brooding guy with too much frustration bottled up and ready to blow. Of course, he had shown me these sides in the past, but now he had me wrapped up in that softness, and it cuddled me so closely that I couldn’t feel anything other than bliss.
He had me hook, line and sinker and I didn’t even mind that he knew it.
Snuggling into his wide chest, I caressed the warm skin showing just above the hem of his jeans. His black shirt had ridden up an inch, teasing me while we tried to watch an old episode of Breaking Bad. Tried was the key word. I wasn’t particularly focused on the screen. My mind was far too occupied with thoughts of how Gabriel felt next to me, how safe I felt when he covered my body with his. I should have been sated after everything we had shared, but the more he gave me, the more I wanted. He let me ride the high, merely chuckling as he called me wanton.
At first, embarrassment had kept me from wanting too much of the good, but Gabriel had read me like an open book and lured me out of my little homemade hiding place.
He wrapped his fingers around mine and his lips brushed my forehead.
“I think we should spend New Year’s Eve here, alone.”
I couldn’t think of anything better. My phone was filled to the brim with messages about dinners and parties, but I wasn’t ready to let go of our shiny bubble. I wanted a few more days of undisturbed bliss to cement what we had. I wanted to be absolutely sure that I wasn’t dreaming. I didn’t doubt Gabriel’s intentions toward me, or his love for me, but I wanted to cherish these first days together. We would never get them back if we let them go too early.
“I think so too.”
Gabriel’s chest heaved beneath me and he exhaled warm, moist air that blew down my sensitive neck. “Great. I’ll prepare something for us.”
“No, we should do it together,” I replied.
“But I want to spoil you, love.”
I smiled at that. My entire body sizzled when he called me ‘love’.
* * * *
Gabriel filled my glass to the brim while the sky bloomed with color outside. We had spent the evening together, just the two of us, celebrating the start of a new year. He had gone all out with preparations, spoiling me with a dinner fit for kings. That, and more than enough wine to make me tipsy.
It was going to be a fantastic year. I could feel the certainty pulsing within me. Never before had I felt so utterly content about anything.
My heart swelled with emotion as I stared into his warm brown eyes. “Thanks for tonight.” In fact, I should have been thanking him for every night since Christmas.
“You’re welcome.”
It was odd how he could turn me into putty by saying the simplest things. I had a feeling that my obsession with him was bordering on unhealthy, but I didn’t care. He was worthy of my devotion. Perhaps I was feeling it a bit extra because I was a tiny bit intoxicated.
“I think I shouldn’t. Drinking is bad, isn’t it?” I peered at the bubbles rising in the tall glass. He’d bought champagne, and that was another cheesy thing that I shouldn’t have cared so much about.
“You can drink when you’re with me.”
I clinked our glasses. “Hah. I can drink whenever I want. But good, I’m not going to stop drinking for you.”
“Do you know another thing that’s good?” The lewd grin on his lips made me smile. I maybe had an idea. My secret boyfriend liked plenty of things about me after all.
Leaning closer to his ear, I flicked his earlobe with my tongue. “You’re about to say something dirty.”
He chuckled, clasping his arm around my waist to keep us locked together. “Always so innocent. You don’t want me to say it, do you?”
“Maybe?” I didn’t know why I was uncomfortable with dirty talk, but I’d thought it might be easier when I was under the influence.
“You know where the bed is.”
“I do.” I sipped from the glass one more time. This could be fun.
“Then why don’t you get out of your clothes?”
“I could.”
A grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Maybe you want me to rip them off?”
I shook my head. He’d ruined more than enough shirts for me. “Stop being such a brute.”
A deep chuckle rose from his throat. “I’m a gentleman.”
“Then take me to bed.”
He carefully relieved me of the delicate champagne flute and scooped me up in his arms to place me on the soft mattress. The distance was laughable in the small room, but it was the gesture that counted.
Time seemed suspended as we lay there, smiling gently toward each other while we waited for a cue to start. He looked stunning in the dark glow of midnight, and a surge of emotion filled my chest.
“I love you,” I said, meaning every little part of the overused phrase.
Gabriel blinked, once, twice, then he smiled wider. “I love you too.”
He had said it before, but this time, as his hand traveled along my chest in soothing motions, I felt the true impact and weight of those words.
I closed the distance between us, meeting his lips with mine.
“You’re insatiable,” he said, inching back to caress my jaw with a lone finger.
“Only with you.”
Something flashed in his eyes, but then he smiled widely once more. “That’s right.”
I had no chance to answer, because he attacked me with as much passion as I could give in return.
* * * *
A few days later, we heard the first telltale sounds of boots hitting the hard floor along the corridor with a regular rhythm. The other students were steadily making their way back to their apartments and a new term. I lay wrapped up in Gabriel’s arms, comfortably relaxed while he tensed beside me.
“Are you okay?” I asked, aware that he was probably worrying about the risks of exposing our relationship.
“Yeah.” His voice came out like a hoarse whisper, still heavy with sleep.
“We’ll be fine, Gabe. I won’t tell anyone.” I had to give him time. I wiggled to turn around, not resting until our chests aligned. His was warm, as always, and his lips were soft beneath mine. “We will be fine,” I repeated.
I thought he would kiss me back, but instead he gave me a weak nod. “You’re precious.”
He knew exactly what to say to ease my mind, even if I was the one trying to ease his.
I suddenly thought of Chris, and how happy he had been after resolving everything with his boyfriend. He wore a constant grin on his face whenever he thought of Dante, screaming out a silent message to the world that he was in love. Now I knew exactly how he felt, and why that feeling was impossible to contain.
I doubted I would be able to hide my infatuation, but I had to try for Gabriel’s sake.
“Hey, I think Chris is coming back today too,” I said, thinking that I might have mentioned it before.
Gabriel let out a short hum i
n reply that was impossible to interpret. I waited for him to expand, but he didn’t continue.
“Perhaps I can spend some time with him today if you want to do something else.”
Gabriel drew a finger along my side. “I want to spend time with you, you know that, but I also have friends coming back. You should get back to your room and hang out with this guy.” Then he added, almost as an afterthought, “He’s not gay, right?”
Startled by the question, it took me a few seconds to answer. Obviously, that was enough.
“So, he is gay.” Gabriel’s eyes darkened.
“Gabe, don’t worry. He has a boyfriend and they’re very much in love.” My words seemed to placate him a little, but I could see that he remained a bit disturbed by the situation.
It wasn’t hard to imagine where his worry came from. Two gay guys together in a shared apartment might raise some suspicions, but not all guys were sex-crazed and desperate. Sure, Chris and I had shared one kind of desperation with each other, but it was far from what Gabriel obviously imagined.
“Gabe, trust me. Nothing’s happened between us, and nothing will.”
“I never should have kicked you out,” he said.
I blinked, taken by surprise. “Do you want me to move back in?”
He let out a deep sigh. “No, it would be too obvious, and you’ve come out among my friends. That’s why we can’t see each other in public like that anymore.”
The puddle that was once my heart let out a silent whine. Why does he have to be so blunt about it? It ached to know that I was the reason we couldn’t hang out, or at least from his point of view. I should have known how sensitive the situation was. It was also stupid of me to think that we could fix all that and go back to the way things had been before. The small world around us had changed since I’d come out. I’d been shunned by Gabriel’s friends, even though I had been their friend once too.
Toxic Page 3
