To compensate for all those hours spent in his arms, I worked around Gabriel’s schedule, joining Cameron at his studio when Gabriel was at practice. It was embarrassingly weak of me to tiptoe around a possible argument by omitting what I’d done when he was away, but I figured we needed a bit more time to settle down before I felt secure enough to tackle that subject again. There wasn’t any unsavory business anyway. I was learning a lot from Cameron and he seemed keen to make me into a proper photographer.
A string of mild curses sounded from the main room in the studio. Leaning back in the office chair, I saw Cameron through the doorway. He was wincing and holding his right foot in a solid grip.
“What happened?”
“I killed my pinky toe.”
It was absolutely appalling to laugh when someone was in pain, but he made such a huge deal out of it that I couldn’t help the bubbling laughter.
“You’re evil,” he said, removing his leather shoe to assess the damage.
“Maybe I should drive you down to the hospital then?”
The glare he threw me sent me into another fit of laughter. “I’m a necromancer, there’s no need for a doctor.” Obviously, the pain wasn’t too bad if he could make jokes. “Wait, it’s fucking blue. This isn’t right. What if it’s broken?”
“Does necromancy work?”
He winced again, rubbing his toes. “I’m not sure. I’m out of practice.”
It was easy to forget that I was working, and tonight was no different. In fact, when I checked the time on my phone, I realized I was in trouble. Gabriel would likely text me any minute to ask where I was.
I rose from the chair, grabbing my bag on the way. “Are you okay? I mean, I kinda have to run.”
He waved me off. “Yeah, I’m fine.” His toe actually was blue, which was a bit disconcerting.
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’ll stick around here for a bit, though. See you in class tomorrow.”
I felt bad about leaving, but the thought of having to tell Gabriel that I’d been lying for the past month wasn’t any better. I should have come clean about my sessions with Cameron long ago, but Gabriel had kept muttering about Cameron every once in a while. Clearly, he hadn’t forgotten about that first incident, even if we hadn’t argued about it since. I sighed. Maybe it was time to tell him. This couldn’t go on forever, and I lived with enough dishonesty these days. It was getting exhausting.
The bus seemed to take forever, and after about half the journey, my phone vibrated with an incoming message.
Where are you?
On my way home. See you soon. x
Home from where? Where have you been?
I shook my head. That was something he deserved hearing face to face.
The walk from the bus stop had me huddling in my coat. Hands buried deep into my pockets, I wished for February to be over.
Mist left my parted lips as I unlocked the main door to the apartment building and went inside. Warmth and the smell of stale alcohol greeted me and I greedily soaked up the heat.
I met a few faces in the corridor, which had me hiding beneath my hood. Gabriel still wasn’t all that comfortable with people knowing that I visited him. I had a feeling a lot of the students on this floor had a vague suspicion of what was going on, but since Gabriel refused to come up to my room, we were out of options.
I knocked and tried the handle, finding the door locked. Standing back, I waited to see if he would open up or if he was somewhere else.
Heavy steps sounded from inside, sending a shiver of worry down my spine. He most likely wouldn’t react well when he heard about my lies, but I had to tell him. There was no other way.
The lock turned but he didn’t open the door. Breathing in deeply, I placed my hand on the handle. Here goes nothing.
His hair was wet from a shower, dripping onto his black jersey. A hint of stubble darkened his chin, and all I wanted was to feel that scratch as we kissed.
“Where have you been?”
I got out of my shoes as if everything were normal. It had to be. “I was at the studio.”
“The studio? What?”
“Yeah. I’m Mr. McCain’s assistant, remember?” Maybe I should have taken another route to address the issue, but it was hard to focus when Gabriel was looming over me.
“You fucking what?”
The shove came out of nowhere. It all went so fast that I barely reacted before I braced myself for the fall. Tiny pieces of gravel left by dirty shoes dug into my palms, stinging while I tried to understand what was happening. The door slammed shut, rattling the thin walls as if they were shivering with distress. How could I forget to close it? I know he doesn’t want people to see.
“What are you doing?” I wanted to get off the floor, but his stance took the fight right out of me.
“What I’m doing?” The words were deliberately slow. Menacing. It wasn’t a question that required an answer. “You’ve been lying all this time, choosing him over me, and here you are, exposing us like I knew you would. What the fuck were you thinking, Adam?”
Scrambling to get myself and my bag in order, I tried to process what to say. It seemed as if I’d been pushed back in time, reliving our first ever serious argument that had splintered our relationship for months to come. He was right, but also very wrong. “I haven’t chosen him over you. You’re being irrational.”
“I’m irrational?” The warning in his voice made me want to shut up and run away, but this was my boyfriend, not someone I should be afraid of.
“Yes. I don’t want Cameron. I want you. You’re my boyfriend. You’re the guy I’ve loved for years.”
His brown eyes softened—a remarkable change that made it easier to breathe.
“I know. I’m sorry.” He offered his hand to help me up from the floor.
I dusted off my clothes, buying myself some time before I would have to tackle the tension between us. A ‘sorry’ wasn’t all that much after throwing me to the floor.
I moved a tentative step forward. “I don’t know how to deal with all this anger you’re carrying around, Gabe.”
He didn’t respond. Instead, he grew rigid as if his body had gradually turned into stone. His expression was solid, almost lifeless.
Discouraged, I took my time to decide what to say next. I had no intention of making the situation worse. “Gabe, please, I just don’t want to be handled like one of your football buddies. I’m not strong like them.”
His eyebrows twitched, but the rest of his posture showed no reaction. He didn’t even blink.
I swallowed my unease, trying to think of a way to recover from this weird fight. But, no matter how I replayed the words that had passed between us, they failed to make sense. I didn’t understand what he wanted from me. It was almost as if he had decided that we wouldn’t work, and because of that would fight against us rather than for us.
“I’ll go up to my room.” I couldn’t stand being so close but also so far at the same time. There was a rift between us, but it was a rift I couldn’t touch or see. It was just there, born out of nowhere.
I moved toward the door, but a firm hand around my arm stopped me. He squeezed his fingers deep into my muscles until I winced. “Stop it, Gabe. It hurts.”
“This is your fault, and you haven’t even apologized.”
“I’m sorry for lying.”
“I don’t believe you. And you know what? If you don’t get it, then get out.” Gabriel’s ice-cold glare chilled me to my core. I would have stepped back if not for the way he still held me in a vise-like grip.
“Let me go.”
He loosened his hold, one finger at a time, and I backed away with a hollow ache in my heart. This wasn’t the way I’d wanted the evening to end. I’d had a great day up to this point, and all I’d wanted was to be greeted by a loving boyfriend, watch a movie and cuddle with all the warmth in the world. I wanted him to love me like I loved him.
“I’ll go. We can talk about this later. We bot
h need to calm down.” I tried to be rational about it. Pressuring him obviously made everything worse.
He didn’t say a word, staring at me with a gaze that spoke of bitter disappointment. I was about to give in and beg him to forgive me, but I had to make him see. I left the room, holding around my bruised arm that served as a reminder of everything that had gone wrong. Perhaps it was a stupid decision to walk away, but he had to understand that he couldn’t manhandle me.
The door slammed shut behind my back—an eerie echo from the time he’d thrown me out and made it clear that I was never to return. Tonight, it had been my decision to walk away, but the emptiness inside me felt just as draining as it had back in June. I couldn’t believe any of this had actually happened. How could we go from fine to not fine simply because of a small fight that had nothing to do with our relationship? Cameron had nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with it. The lies were bad, but what was I supposed to do?
Pushing away the hurt, I walked toward the stairs, hoping that everything would be better in the morning. Gabriel couldn’t have meant what he’d said—he couldn’t be serious.
I reached the room I shared with Chris and got inside, battling the pressure across my chest. He waved at me with a smile but continued to listen to Dante’s voice coming from the laptop speakers. They used Skype to keep in touch while Dante was touring, but tonight, I wished that I could have been spared seeing them happy together.
I went through the motions while hearing them talk in the background, not listening to a single word they said to each other as I tried to temper my flailing emotions. I brushed my teeth, got into a T-shirt and slumped onto the bed, feeling alone despite the two voices mumbling sweet nothings. Chris was too occupied with Dante to notice, but perhaps that was a good thing. I didn’t want him to ask questions I had no answers to.
A new dawn, a new day, I told myself, closing my eyes and pulling the cover all the way up to my nose.
Chapter Ten
After a week of silence from Gabriel, Chris finally realized that something was up with me.
I had tried my best to pretend that everything was just the way it was supposed to be, but as the days passed, my smile faltered more and more. Gabriel wouldn’t take my calls, I didn’t dare knock on his door, and the few times I’d seen him on campus, he’d always been with his friends who couldn’t know about us. I was a mess.
“Adam, seriously, what’s going on?”
We sat on Chris’ bed, watching an episode of Twin Peaks on his laptop. The Log Lady was on a roll, but apparently that wasn’t enough to keep Chris’ mind occupied. His question came out of nowhere, but it rang with true concern, as if he had thought about it for quite some time.
“I think I’m coming down with a cold. It’s nothing to worry about.”
“I don’t like that you’re lying to me.”
‘Lying’. I hated it, but here I was, lying to one of my closest friends—if not my only close friend at this point. Chris deserved truth, but since Christmas, I had lied with disturbing frequency. I had lied to Gabriel, my family, Chris… The list went on.
“I think I’ve been rejected.”
Chris sighed. “You’ve never actually told me about this mystery person that you’re obviously seeing although you said it was over. Why can’t you tell me?”
“Because he’s not out of the closet.” It was the truth, and it was the easiest way to deflect the conversation. Even Chris had to have some kind of understanding for closeted gays.
“Like I would tell anyone.” He was annoyed, and I couldn’t blame him.
“I can’t betray his trust like that.”
“You’re awfully protective of someone who’s rejected you.”
His words stung. Hearing the word rejected coming from another made it ten times worse. It became real.
“I’m sorry, that was insensitive.” Chris patted my shoulder. The pity wasn’t much better, however. I didn’t want pity—I wanted to be left alone.
“It’s all right.”
“No, it’s not. You’re sad, and I’m not helping.”
“Can we just watch the show?” I asked, hoping that he would drop the subject.
“We can, or you can tell me more about that photography teacher you’re seeing all the time. You seem happy after you’ve been at his studio. I think I even saw a smile the other day.” Chris nudged my side, sending me an apologetic smile.
Cameron. Chris was right. Spending time at the studio offered me the opportunity to breathe, especially now that Gabriel wasn’t talking to me. When I worked, or when Cameron and I landed in a silly or deep discussion, I managed to reach through the haze of worry about my rocky relationship and could focus on other parts of my life. However, every night the spell broke as soon as I passed Gabriel’s corridor, hoping to catch a glimpse of him—or, even better, get a chance to talk to him. The silence between us was killing me.
Chris interrupted my thoughts. “Come on, tell me about him. Is he any good?”
I had to think for a second before I remembered that we were talking about Cameron. Is he good at what? Does Chris think that we do more than work together?
“He’s a great photographer,” I replied, choosing to ignore the possible hint from my nosy friend.
“He’s kinda cute.”
“Chris, stop it.” I hit his shoulder as I felt my cheeks redden.
“You totally have a crush on him.” Chris smirked, clearly satisfied with his powers of deduction.
“I do not.”
“You do. You’re blushing.”
“So what if I’m blushing? You’re implying that I have a crush on my teacher. It’s embarrassing.” Maybe I did have a small crush, but it was nothing compared to the feelings I had for Gabriel.
“Is he your mystery date?”
“Chris. Really, this is not funny.”
“Makes perfect sense that you want to keep it secret.”
I grabbed one of his pillows and hid behind it. This is not happening. Out of all the wild guesses, he chose this one. And the worst part was that I wouldn’t be able to prove him wrong unless I told him about Gabriel—which I couldn’t do. My stomach churned uncomfortably.
“I hope you know what this means,” Chris said.
“What?” My voice was muffled by the pillow, but Chris managed to make out what I was saying.
“I’ll make it my mission to get you guys together.”
I threw the pillow in Chris’ direction, but he punched it away with ease. “You’re not doing that.”
“Oh, but I am.” His eyes glinted with mischief—he was serious. Damn it. I wondered if he knew how uncomfortable I was beneath the banter.
“Please, Chris. You can’t. I work for the guy. Don’t screw this up for me.”
“Your puppy eyes are not working, not even when they try to be mad at me.”
“I’m serious. Cameron and I are just working together. Nothing more.”
“Ah, first name basis.”
I retrieved another pillow and smashed it into his face. “You’re not funny!”
“Fine. I won’t be obvious about my plan. Don’t worry. He won’t notice.”
I slumped my shoulders and got off the bed. It was ignoring-Chris time.
He laughed and continued to talk about his plan for how to get us together, but I stopped listening and went to brush my teeth instead. It was all too much. Just dealing with the thoughts of a failing relationship was enough, but no, Chris had to make it even worse.
* * * *
When I awoke the next morning, I was still upset with Chris and afraid that he would do something stupid to embarrass me in front of Cameron. I had even dreamed about it during the night. In the dream, Chris had surprised Cameron and me at the studio. He’d caused a scene that’d had me fleeing down the stairs. If that ever happened, Chris would wish he’d never befriended me in the first place.
I trudged to my first class, feeling less enthusiastic than usual at the prospect of seeing Camer
on. Instead, I grabbed a seat at the back of class with a tight knot lodged in my stomach that made it impossible to follow what was going on. Cameron directed a question to me at one point, and if not for my extra sessions at his studio, I wouldn’t have known the answer. Luckily, he didn’t seem to notice that I hesitated before answering.
Ten minutes later, the girl sitting next to me leaned over. “You’re his assistant, aren’t you?”
I had never talked to her. I wasn’t even sure I had seen her, but I didn’t have it in me to ignore her. “Yes, I am.”
“Gosh, you’re so lucky. He’s like the hottest teacher ever. I bet a lot of people are jealous.”
She must have known I was gay, otherwise she would never have said anything like that. Of course, I blushed even though it was the wrong response.
“Aww, you’re blushing. Is he gay? I mean, we’ve all been wondering. We all hope he’s bi at least, though.”
What’s wrong with people? I hunched over, refused to answer the question and tried to hide from the world. I’d probably made it worse for myself, but I couldn’t deal with anyone saying anything at the moment. Even thinking about Gabriel and our troubles was better than this alternate reality people were trying to shove me into.
The lesson continued, and to my relief, the girl stopped pestering me. She did ask a few more pointed questions before that, but I ignored her like I had ignored Chris.
When the lesson ended, I practically ran down the stairs toward the exit.
“Adam, can I talk to you for a second?” He was always professional whenever he addressed me in class.
The knot in my stomach bloomed into a web of tangles. Turning, I walked over to Cameron’s desk at the front.
“What’s up?” I tried to sound casual but failed.
Cameron frowned. “You okay?”
Great, more concerned people. Isn’t it enough to deal with Chris?
“I’m fine. Coming down with a cold or something.”
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