Toxic

by Avylinn Winter

  Chapter Twenty

  The air was hard to breathe, gray and sullied inside my lungs. It didn’t matter that rays of sunlight filtered through the windows or that birds chirped in the hopeful trees outside. Green buds, new life—but not for me.

  I didn’t understand. I had thought it would get better as we grew closer, but it was clear that I was too naïve. One transgression, one tiny step in the wrong direction, and Gabriel had lost it completely. He’d taken it out on me until the anger had morphed into words of love, as he’d urged me to understand.

  I didn’t understand.

  With my back against the painted concrete wall, I sat on the hard floor in my room, staring at nothing. Thoughts betrayed me, lingering on memories I would have preferred to forget. The scene played over and over again, and each time it did, I felt how those fingers had bruised my skin. Love and lust had turned into something entirely different.

  I was sore, but most of all, I was afraid.

  We would leave for our trip the next day, but I was slowly realizing that our relationship had deteriorated faster than we could ever build it up. He didn’t trust me at all and I was losing the trust I had in him—trust that had taken years of friendship to settle.

  He needed my help to rein in those feelings that ruined him from within, but it seemed as if it became harder and harder to reach him beyond that anger. I’d tried again and again, but how long would it take? How long would I have to fight this raging battle for his redemption? Months were not enough. The small steps we had taken in the right direction were minuscule compared to the backlash that had hit us both.

  I wasn’t blind to his pain. Hurting me was hurting him as well, or at least it seemed like it when he touched me gently to soothe us both.

  I’d been looking forward to spending a week away in his company, but that feeling had been replaced by dread. I couldn’t go on, but I was terrified of telling him that I couldn’t join him on the trip. If his anger shredded our love because of something insignificant, how would he react when I asked to leave?

  My phone lit up and rang with an incoming call.

  Gabriel.

  I picked up my phone, reading his name over and over again while it rang.

  “Hi,” I finally replied.

  “Where are you?” He sounded worried.

  “I’m in my room.”

  “Come down to mine.”

  “Not tonight.”

  “What do you mean, not tonight? We’re leaving tomorrow. Haven’t you packed yet? I thought you would sleep here so we can leave early in the morning.”

  “I’m not done packing,” I said, which was true.

  “Then pack and come down here.” The warning was there. “Baby. I just want to hold you. I’m sorry about last night. You know I don’t want to hurt you like that.”

  I sighed. “I know. I’ll come down later when I’m done.” I didn’t have a choice, and besides, he needed me. Last night, after everything had turned to chaos, he’d told me I was the only one he could picture a future with. How could I not try? I owed him too much to simply give up.

  “Good,” he replied.

  I moved the phone from my ear, unable to say the words I usually ended our conversations with. Not this time.

  * * * *

  I closed my suitcase and sagged onto the bed, raking tired fingers through my damp hair. It was the third shower since yesterday, but my skin still felt soiled. Dead tired, I fell onto my back and stared at the ceiling, contemplating the idea of filling it with posters or something to keep it from being so dull and empty. I needed more things around that made me happy. This was my room, and Gabriel wouldn’t have a say. If he wanted me to dress in black and blue, then at least I could vamp up this room to compensate.

  He wouldn’t even know about it. He never came here—it was always the other way around.

  Chris rushed inside, resembling someone who definitely needed a break. It had been a trying term for both of us.

  “You’ve packed. Are you leaving? You’ve not said anything more about going to your parents’.”

  “Yeah.” I was. I’d promised Gabriel.

  Chris looked at me with wide eyes. “Where are you off to?”

  “Does it matter?”

  He looked torn, and suddenly, I felt bad. He didn’t deserve the anger I should reserve for Gabriel.

  “You’re going to your boyfriend, am I right?” he asked. It was the first time he had openly said the word boyfriend.

  “Yes.” I shouldn’t have said that, but I was tired of lying. I was tired of ruining everything because of a guy who gave me bruises to match my clothes.

  “Gabriel?”

  “You know I can’t tell you, Chris, so please stop asking.” I was breaking inside, torn between the urge to tell him absolutely everything and the promises I’d made.

  “Adam, you don’t have to go. Stay here. Please. It’s obvious that you’re not okay.”

  I shook my head. This week was my last chance. If our relationship continued down the path it had for the last few months, I wouldn’t be able to continue. But Gabriel deserved a chance just like everyone else.

  “Bye, Chris. See you after spring break.” I closed the door with a firm click, ignoring the pleading look in his eyes. If I’d stayed, I might have said even more, and I wasn’t ready to open the lid on all those secrets. It was bad enough that he had figured out that I was seeing Gabriel.

  With the bag firmly in hand, I walked down the stairs and didn’t pause until I stood in front of Gabriel’s room. My heart pounded as I gave the door a soft knock. I stepped back, closing my eyes as if that would prevent him from opening.

  He wants this. I repeated the sentence over and over. He needed me.

  I could hear the slight whine as he turned the handle. “You’re late.”

  My eyes flew open, but I didn’t have the strength to meet his gaze. “You didn’t say a time.”

  He curled his fingers around my arm, pressing tightly against the bruises beneath my thin sweater. I tried to break away, but his grip was too strong as he pulled me inside the room and shut the door.

  “I don’t get why you’re always fighting me, Adam. It’s like you’re doing this just to spite me and get a reaction.”

  “That’s not true.” I wanted to say more in my defense, but I was too afraid of reliving yesterday’s painful struggle. “Calm down. Please.”

  Gabriel’s shoulders fell an inch and his breathing remained controlled. At least he was trying to rein it in. “Don’t deny it. But let’s just forget this and focus on having a good time. I’m tired of fighting and I want to make you happy.” The way he nodded at the bed said everything.

  I wanted to tell him that I was already sore, that I wasn’t ready, but perhaps this time would be different. It had to be, because I couldn’t say no without setting him off again.

  Splaying my fingers across his chest, I looked deep into his dark eyes. “I don’t want you to fuck me, Gabriel. I want you to make love to me.” It was a plea, and I hoped he understood the difference.

  He stroked the small of my back, letting his touch travel up my chest. “Your wish is my command.”

  I didn’t believe that for a second, but perhaps he meant it this time. I wished he did. I wished so hard that my chest tightened uncomfortably. Trying to relax in his arms, I kissed his stubble, then his neck. I did my best to awaken the lust he’d stolen from me.

  He undressed me gently, almost making me believe that he was back to his old self again. His touch was warm, grazing across bruises that had yet to bloom. He kissed each and every one, whispering a soft ‘sorry’ before his lips found my skin. I had been desperate for that love, desperate to see him get better. And so, if I gave myself up for his pleasure, wasn’t that a small price to pay? I’d longed for this love for too many years to count. How could I leave and give up without a proper fight?

  He sank into me, pushing me down into the soft bed, but there was nothing soft about the way he pressed
deeper and deeper without giving me the time to adjust. I should have said something—I should have cried out with the pain that pierced me, but I couldn’t find my voice. It was trapped in the prison I had built over our months together. Instead, I bit into my lower lip until I tasted metal on my tongue.

  I didn’t come. He did, but he didn’t seem to care that I was left unsatisfied.

  When I returned to bed after washing the traces of him off my body, he was already asleep. I lay beside him, watching his chest rise and fall with every slow breath. He was at peace. As I should have been. He hadn’t been too rough with me this time—it was just the memories of last night and the lingering pains that had ruined it for me. He had tried to comfort me, and how had I repaid him? Lying. I should have told him that I was in pain. Then, he would have had a chance to choose if he wanted to continue or not.

  I chose that pain, I realized. With my silent approval, I had allowed it.

  Nestling into his body, I vowed to try harder. He needed me to fight back, but I had to be smart about it. So much smarter than I had been so far.

  * * * *

  I woke up to a firm knock on Gabriel’s door. My boyfriend was fast asleep, looking serene in the cold light of the early morning. His dark eyelashes cast a flickering shadow on his cheeks and the frown on his brow had softened during the night. He was strikingly handsome, and I remembered the moment I had realized that my feelings for him went beyond friendship. It had been a chilly winter night, just the two of us beneath the stars and a thick blanket. Huddled close, I’d suddenly wanted to know what his lips felt like. If they would be cold or warm, soft or firm.

  A second round of knocks urged me toward the door. As silently as possible, I slid out of bed and padded across the cold floor, snatching a pair of loose pants and a shirt on the way.

  I threw a glance over my shoulder to make sure Gabriel was still asleep before I nudged the handle. “Chris, what are you doing here?”

  He didn’t smile. “We’re leaving.”

  “What?”

  With a weary frown, he pulled me out of the room the way Gabriel had pulled me inside yesterday. I tried to shake him loose, but unlike Gabriel, Chris let me go once he had closed the door behind me. The strange feeling of being released without a fight made me pause.

  He placed his hands on my shoulders, holding me steady as if I would flee if given a chance. “I know what’s going on, and I’m not gonna sit back and let it happen. We’re going on a trip, and I’m sorry, but you don’t have a say.” He pointed at two bags on the floor.

  “No.” Didn’t he understand?

  “Yes, we’re going to the Bahamas, and that’s final. The plane leaves soon, so we have to go asap.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You can.” He hugged me tightly. “Please, Adam. You know he’s not good for you.”

  “But… I can’t. We’re supposed to…” I fought the tears, glancing back at the door behind us. The worst thing was that I knew he was right. I was in over my head and with every day, it became more and more difficult to breathe.

  “Think about yourself first for once.”

  I made a feeble attempt to struggle, but I didn’t have a chance as Chris continued to hold me. “Let’s go.”

  “No. I can’t. He’ll never forgive me.”

  “Wrong, he doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. Let’s go.”

  I didn’t know how he knew, and while I was stupefied by confusion, Chris took my hand and led me through the corridor. Barefooted and numb, I stumbled into the sunlight outside. My bruised skin became littered with goosebumps beneath the thin shirt, and not only because of the chilly morning air. He steered me to a car I didn’t recognize.

  I tried to get out of his grip. “I have to tell Gabriel.”

  Chris stopped again. “The entire point is to prevent you from interacting with him. You have to get away for a while to see things clearly.”

  “You can’t do this.”

  “We do it because we care.”

  My reply disappeared as the sun gleamed on the metal of a moving car door. Dante got out of the driver’s seat and reached out with his hand. “Nice to see you again.” He was taller than I remembered, but his hair was still as dark and his eyes just as eerie with their light green color that always made me look twice.

  I had lost the fight. I could see the determination lacing Chris’ features, and the confidence he pulled from Dante’s presence. They had me cornered, but one part of me wasn’t even struggling against them as they got me into the car and drove away. I simply settled in the seat and stared out of the rear window, letting tears trickle down and fall on my hands.

  I wept for Gabriel, and I wept for myself. I wept for us.

  But why did they have to choose the Bahamas? That place belonged to Cameron. He had said we would go there on our next photo shoot together, something that had never happened because I had ruined everything.

  Everything. My fault.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Dante studied me through the rear-view mirror, obviously noting the tears I wished wouldn’t fall. His calm gaze held something resembling empathy, but I couldn’t stand any of it. At least he didn’t talk. Chris kept silent as well, not even giving me another monologue with reasons for my abduction. It was probably in his best interest, because I would have lashed out at him if he had tried to say anything.

  They probably thought this unexpected trip would help me, but it was only going to exacerbate the problem. Running away never solved anything. Nevertheless, the dull throb in various body parts begged to differ.

  Sitting back, I touched my tender wrist, prodding through the shirt that hid lines of bruises beneath it. Suddenly worried, I reached out for the bag of clothes Chris had brought along. The Bahamas wouldn’t have inspired him to bring shirts with long sleeves. Touching various fabrics, I almost cried. Chris had known more than he’d let on.

  He had packed most of my favorite outfits and shoes he’d thrown out of my closet weeks before when he’d complained that I never wore them these days. The clothes were bright, colorful and beautiful. Not thinking about the other two up front, I hugged one of the shirts to my chest like a long-lost friend.

  * * * *

  A dry voice sounded through the speaker system, warning for pickpockets. The message was faint amongst the bustling crowd—men and women, young and old, all going somewhere or returning home. Maybe someone was running away just like me, but I doubted any of them walked around the airport against their will.

  Should I have struggled harder? Perhaps I should have kicked and screamed until Chris had let me go, but I had lost so many fights lately that one more barely counted. And what would I fight for? A chance to mend a relationship that hurt both me and Gabriel? Hadn’t I given him enough chances already?

  Chris searched through his bag and winced when he opened his passport. As I studied his face and the way his upper lip curled, I realized that it wouldn’t have mattered what I did. He would have brought me to this airport with or without force. Chris was incredibly stubborn when he wanted to be, especially when it came to matters of attachment. His relationship with Dante was the perfect example. I doubted Chris would ever give up, no matter how difficult it became with long distance phone calls and rare visits. He was much stronger than I was.

  He continued to rummage through his bag, opening another passport. He gave it to me with an apologetic smile. Frowning, I snatched it from his hand.

  “You’ve been through my stuff?”

  “Yeah, sorry.”

  I didn’t believe that apology for a second, but I was strung out on so many conflicting emotions that I simply stared at my hands. I didn’t know what to do with them, or what to do with myself.

  Dante claimed a seat on a nearby bench, watching people pass by with interest. As I looked around, my response was entirely different. It felt as if I was fading away, drifting aimlessly in a sea of unknown people who didn’t care. The urge to escape became overwhelming.r />
  “What are we waiting for?” I asked.

  Chris claimed the spot next to his boyfriend and smiled in a way that set off an alarm.

  No. Just no.

  “Chris. Are we waiting for someone?”

  He only smiled again, appearing awfully satisfied.

  I didn’t know what to feel. Boiling with emotion, I took my bag from the floor and stumbled forward even though I knew they would likely catch up and force me to go back.

  I rushed, gripping my bag so tightly that the leather bit into my palm.

  Chris called my name, driving me to jog faster through the throng of people. Headed toward the exit, I lost my bearings and halted on the polished stone floor while my breathing continued to speed up. Cameron pushed a cart loaded with equipment through the revolving doors, disrupting everything. Voices faded around us and faces blurred.

  He approached me carefully, as if he feared that I might run away like a startled animal. It wasn’t far from the truth. Adrenaline pumped through my system, readying me to flee if needed.

  The cart rolled to the side as he stepped closer, not far from invading my personal space. He reached out and gave my upper arm a gentle squeeze, something that should have been strange but felt like the hug I desperately needed and desperately feared at the same time.

  I tried to breathe slower, tried to find an anchor within myself to lay all those swirling emotions at rest—forbidden feelings and memories of dreams that had taken us too far.

  “You okay?” Cameron said, unaware that it was the most difficult question he could have asked.

  Letting go of my chafed lower lip, I wished to be miles away, not inside an airport where people close by could hear every word I said. “What are you doing here?”

  “They haven’t told you?” He sounded mildly surprised.

  “No.”

  Cameron smiled, which I found odd. “Well, I did tell you at one point.”

  My gaze traveled to the equipment and a sliver of longing nudged me from deep within. “Photo shoot,” I mumbled.