Toxic

by Avylinn Winter

  “Don’t think so.”

  “You’re nuts.”

  “I know.”

  “Let’s go.” He began to pull me in the direction he had come from, but he soon realized that I was moving slower than a slug. “Want me to carry you?”

  I scoffed. “They hate gays here.”

  “Who told you that?” He placed an arm around my waist and pulled my arm above his shoulders.

  “A bar.”

  “Have you been drinking?”

  “No. Just water.”

  “Good.”

  “I wanna drink, though. I really need a drink.” I snuggled into his side, trying to find my balance.

  He shook his head. “When we’ve ruled out heatstroke, I’ll pour you a drink myself.”

  “Thanks.”

  With Cameron’s help, I managed to take the necessary steps across the sand, the patio and into the villa, and I almost laughed at how close I’d been all this time. The air inside was refreshingly cool, helping me to stand once Cameron left my side.

  “Sit down. I’ll get you some water.”

  Needing more of the cool air, I stripped out of my soaked sweater and discarded my pants. Cameron had already seen the bruises, anyway. I crashed onto the sofa and stared up at the white ceiling. I only lasted a second until I realized that the sofa was too warm. I crawled down onto the tiled floor and sent out a silent ‘thanks’ for the lack of heat.

  “Drink this. I’ll come back.” He tried to give me a glass, but when I seemed unable to hold it, he changed his mind. Sitting next to me, he pulled me up to lean back against the sofa and held the glass for me to drink. My skin burned even hotter where we touched, but I didn’t want to move away.

  “I’m so stupid.”

  “Yes, you are,” he replied.

  “You’re not suppos’ to agree.”

  He chuckled. “I can agree until your head is clear again. But no, you’re not stupid, just reckless and currently slurring.”

  “Won’t do it again.”

  “I sure hope so.”

  He offered the glass once more and I drank the rest. It tasted better than anything I’d ever had before, but it wasn’t enough.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You should have told us you were going.”

  I tried to lift my hand from the floor but didn’t get far. “I was looking for you.”

  “Were you?”

  “Yes.”

  “Not the entire time, I bet.”

  “No. But I wanted to say sorry.”

  “For what?”

  I made another attempt to lift my hand, and this time it worked. I placed it on his arm. “For being an ass yesterday. You told me about your childhood, and I…I didn’t know what to say. I made you leave.”

  “It’s okay. I understand.”

  “It’s not okay.”

  “You’re forgiven either way.”

  I brushed his arm, not thinking about I was doing. “I’m sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine…”

  “It’s in the past. Mom didn’t stay with him forever.”

  “How long?”

  “Two years.”

  Two years was a long time. Far too long. I somehow pulled him to my side and placed my head on his shoulder. “That’s two years too many.”

  I could feel his chest heaving with a strained breath. “I’m fine, Adam. I got out.”

  “You got me out, too.”

  “Also too late.”

  “Not too late,” I said, feeling an odd kind of relief. I was safe. I felt safe by Cameron’s side, and it dawned on me that I hadn’t felt safe for quite some time.

  I cuddled closer even though I knew it was forbidden territory. He tensed beside me but he didn’t pull away. He remained by my side as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Time passed in silence until something touched my hair, making my insides sizzle. Had he kissed me? Surely not. He wasn’t allowed, and my strange feelings for him were supposed to be secret.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I was more or less out for the rest of the day, caught in a strange haze between awake and asleep. The others had made sure I had stayed hydrated and fed, and when the house had become silent, I had fallen into a deep slumber for the rest of the night.

  As the sun finally rose above the horizon, my headache retreated to a dull throb rather than a piercing ache. The others were running around downstairs, making quite a ruckus, and after some deliberation on my part I managed to join them.

  Chris was complaining about the early hour, clearly not happy with his carefully planned schedule. No one pitied him, since he had been adamant on getting everyone to agree to the trip.

  “Chris, just shut up,” Dante said at one point.

  His boyfriend answered with a wince.

  The light banter continued and kept my focus on the happy couple, even if I was far too aware of Cameron. I seemed to register every single movement he made, and as soon as he spoke, all I could hear was him. Perhaps I should have felt guilty because of Gabriel, but I couldn’t. Not now, when I felt that his hold over me was slipping away. I wanted to be free. Needed it, in fact. And although it was far too early to think about Cameron the way I did, it was difficult to fight off emotions that had been there for several months even as I fought them.

  Chris made arrangements for a car and shouted out reminders to bring sunscreen and towels. He sounded like Mom. I missed my family, and when I got back, I would have to make it up to them somehow.

  Tameka greeted us with her no-nonsense attitude at the marina. She explained that we would travel father out this time, stopping at one of her favorite spots. I didn’t catch much more than the basics, far too engrossed in my thoughts about what had actually happened when Cameron and I had sat on the floor by the sofa the day before.

  The breeze caught us with a relieving chill as we left the main island behind. Cameron snapped photos of everything and everyone, but after a wince from me, he gave Chris and Dante more attention. They were the ones asking for the photo shoot, after all.

  “You want the camera for a bit?” Cameron asked me.

  I must have been staring too intently at our surroundings.

  Seconds passed before I grabbed the large camera lens. It was heavy in my hands—a reassuring weight reminding me of an interest I had all but forgotten. Even if my lectures with Cameron had continued throughout the semester, I hadn’t touched my own camera since I’d stopped assisting him in the evenings.

  “You can take that one. I have another with me.” Cameron opened his bag and retrieved a second, larger camera.

  I looked through the lens, chewing on my lower lip as I spotted Cameron. I hesitated before snapping a picture of his relaxed stance and content expression, his wavy brown hair caressed by the gentle wind. With a weak sigh, I moved along, afraid that he would catch me staring.

  Around two hours later, Tameka steered the big boat toward a small wooden dock. I was enraptured by the jungle-like scenery, distracted enough to stumble as Tameka changed the speed. Cameron caught me, smiling as if to say that it happened to everyone. But we weren’t everyone, and his touch burned with fierce intensity.

  We jumped onto the jetty one by one, waving goodbye to our captain as she would anchor farther out and wait for us to finish our explorations. Chris made a poor attempt at quoting Dead Poet’s Society, or, well, the guy who had written the poem, belting out Oh Captain, My Captain. I shook my head and waved it off. Chris could be both ridiculous and wonderful at the same time.

  The island was small but, apart from the dock, it appeared to be near pristine. Not a soul in sight. I climbed down to the beach and stepped to the water’s edge, removing my sandals to let wet sand slip between my toes.

  “I’m fucking done with this heat,” Chris exclaimed, tugging off his shirt and showcasing his bare chest. The hickeys were still in place, but at least he had caught a bit of a tan, which masked some of them.

  Cameron hid a smile while Dante and Chri
s did that overly sweet ‘we’re boyfriends, remember’ kind of thing. At least that’s what I thought they meant when they crashed into each other to steal kisses at odd intervals.

  It was cute.

  Cameron paused beside me. “We should take some photos around the island.”

  I tried not to notice how close he stood, or how obvious his comment was. “Sure. How long do we have?”

  “Four hours, then we have to get back on the boat.”

  The lens appeared in front of me and I reacted by hiding behind my hands.

  “Don’t. I want a picture.” He sounded so sincere that I blushed—something that didn’t help my situation.

  He prodded my fingers, trying to make me let go. “Come on, it’s just a photo. I’ll only hang it above my bed. Or maybe I’ll post it online with a free license.”

  I burst out laughing, not able to rein it in. Cameron laughed with me, relieving most of the tension between us. It was clearly a joke, and he didn’t have to know how much those words affected me.

  “You’re crazy,” I said when I finally had my laughter under control.

  He shrugged. “Maybe I am.”

  “Hey, guys, are we leaving?” Chris shouted from the other end of the beach. He waved for us to come along.

  “Someone’s impatient,” I commented.

  We hadn’t brought much equipment for this day, but I helped Cameron carry a small backpack. When I tried to take another bag, he grinned.

  “Looks like I got my assistant back.”

  “Nope, I’m doing this out of the goodness of my heart.” I touched my chest for effect.

  He smiled. “And a good heart it is.”

  Cue blush.

  I knew he probably didn’t mean it like that. Not in a romantic sense at least. I was the one having improper thoughts, after all, and Cameron wasn’t to blame.

  The white, untouched beach marked the transition between crystal blue water and lush vegetation. The trees were impossibly green, casting much-needed shade on the undergrowth. Crimson flowers dotted tall bushes, and I paused to take a few photos of the delicate petals.

  The passionate red paired with a certain frailty that roses didn’t have made me think of love as it should be. It appeared to me that the love painted and described throughout history had too much of a false promise involved. It lured us to believe that lovers were always certain, that they never faltered.

  “Hey, let’s go this way.” Chris waved from an opening between two trees.

  I trudged in his direction and burned my feet in the sand, cursing as I hopped back into my sandals.

  The others waited with amused expressions—especially Chris. “You okay there?” he asked.

  “Yes. Thanks.”

  They’d found a semi-penetrable path into the jungle, and we left the beach for the unknown. I was pretty sure that we would have lost our way in the forest if not for the fact that the island was tiny.

  The farther we walked, the thicker the undergrowth became. Moving a branch out of my way, I caught sight of something to my left—a brief reflection of the sun.

  “Hey, I think there’s water this way,” I said.

  The others turned their heads and peered through the foliage in the direction I pointed.

  “Oh shit. That’s beautiful,” Chris said, dragging Dante with him toward whatever it was he saw.

  I followed in their footsteps, grateful that they led the way. I would have been too scared to walk into this green mess on my own. When I saw what Chris had seen, I reacted much in the same way.

  A tiny, blue lagoon opened up before us.

  “Now I see why Tameka recommended this place,” Cameron said as he stood beside me, already using his camera to capture some of the essence of a place that seemed misplaced in our world. Such pure beauty at our disposal, and we all kept ruining it.

  I snapped a picture of Cameron, wanting to preserve the rapture present in his eyes.

  “You think we can dive in?” Chris asked.

  Dante shrugged in response but began to shed his clothes. The air was stifling hot, so I wasn’t surprised.

  Soon, I had three bare-chested men in front of me—definitely something that added to the appeal of the lagoon, even though I had thought it impossible.

  “Will you join us?” Cameron asked me.

  The question took me off guard, and I watched longingly as Chris dove into the water. They already know, I told myself. Carefully, I put my bag to the side and began to pull my shirt off. Each second counted as eternity while I slipped out of the garment and threw it on the ground.

  I breathed slowly, rationalizing that it would be easier once I got into the water, and therefore, I might as well change quickly now that I had made up my mind. One deep breath later, I opened my eyes and almost cursed as I caught Chris staring with wide eyes.

  “Oh, Adam.”

  Dante smacked him across his head.

  “What?” Chris exclaimed.

  “You’re such an idiot sometimes, Chris.”

  Chris swam away from the other two and looked so miserable that I forgot my anger. He hauled himself up onto a large, flat rock, dangling his feet in the water. I approached and took the spot beside him.

  “It’s okay.” I placed my hand on his shoulder.

  “No, I’m sorry. I just… I didn’t know it was that bad.”

  “Only bruises. They’ll fade.”

  He scoffed. “I feel like I’ve let you down. I should have done something sooner.”

  “I never told you, Chris. Don’t blame yourself for this.”

  “How can I not blame myself? I’ve seen you turn into this…I don’t know—ghost. You’ve not smiled a genuine smile in so long, Adam. I knew, and still I didn’t do anything.”

  I dipped my feet into the water. “If anyone knew, it was me. You’re my friend, and you’ve tried to help.” I gestured around me. “You brought me here. I even resisted, but you brought me anyway.”

  He leaned forward, touching the water with his fingertips. “So, have you realized that he’s bad for you?”

  “Yes, Chris. I’m not stupid.” A memory of Gabriel flashed in my head. Maybe I had given up too easily. Maybe he was waiting for me at home, worrying about me because I had disappeared. I’d abandoned him when he wanted to fix our problems. I swallowed uncomfortably. “But I don’t know if love should conquer that sort of thing.” I could hardly breathe.

  “No. That’s not true. Not if he hurts you like this.”

  “He’s suffering. I should help him.”

  Chris sat up straighter. “You can help him, but it’s not until he starts helping himself that it can get better.”

  After a moment of silence, I released my chafed lower lip. “Do you think I’m naïve?”

  “If naïve means that you’re eager to love and trust, then yes, but what’s the harm in that? You just have to be more careful who you pick.”

  “I’ve known him almost all my life. I really thought he was the one.”

  Chris patted my shoulder. “There’s someone better out there for you. I promise.”

  I immediately thought of Cameron, even if it was a fruitless fantasy. He was a teacher and bound to stay away from me. I glanced at him, feeling both guilty and fluttery at the same time. I tore my gaze away and sighed. Gabriel would have been everything to me if he hadn’t ruined everything with violence. It could have been so much easier on so many levels.

  Suddenly, Cameron grabbed my feet, trying to pull me into the water. “The water is waiting.” As always, his touch took hold of all my senses, but, grateful for the chance to break the heavy atmosphere, I obliged, sliding down from the rock into the warm pool.

  “Water doesn’t have feelings, you know.”

  “And how do you know that?” he asked.

  I splashed him. “You’re silly.”

  “I know.” He swam closer, hesitating when he was an arm’s length away. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

  My heart warme
d—beating in response to his question. He cared. He truly cared.

  “Yes. I’m okay.”

  Emotions threatened to rupture my balance, so I splashed him with more water.

  He spluttered and coughed. “Oh, game on.”

  It was unlikely that I would ever admit to the squeal that sounded through the clearing as our water fight began in earnest.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  The days had passed by far too quickly. It felt as if we’d just arrived in the Bahamas, when in fact, we were back where we’d started—in Nassau, preparing to catch our return flight in the morning.

  The kitchen in the airy villa felt strangely familiar, especially after switching between different hotels the previous nights. The mixer slowed with a soft purr and Cameron poured an orange drink into a tall glass filled with crushed ice. Both Chris and I stared, mesmerized and thirsty after yet another day at sea. It was our last night, and I wanted to cherish it.

  Cameron seemed to read my thoughts. “Here you go.” He handed me the glass and I almost flinched as our fingers brushed with the lightest of touches. “You want one too?” he asked Chris, seemingly unaffected by the accidental caress.

  I stirred the drink with the black straw, curling my fingers around the cold crystal to stop them from burning. He shouldn’t affect me, but he did. In fact, I registered every single movement he made, drawn closer to him by invisible threads.

  Chris stole the drink from my hands and placed his lips around the straw, disregarding my narrowed eyes. “This is awesome. Whatever it is, I’ll have one.”

  Cameron chuckled and returned to the mixer. “I’ll let you guess what it is.”

  The two continued to banter back and forth while I took a seat by the table and tried to forget about the way Cameron made me feel. The tension was clearly one-sided, as Cameron showed nothing beyond the ordinary.

  It was comforting to hear them talk with each other as if nothing were wrong—as if they had relaxed as well. They didn’t seem as adamant on including me in their conversation, and they didn’t look at me every ten seconds to make sure I remained alive. They didn’t hover, which was a huge change from how it had been at the start of the week.