This pain was my doing. Cameron’s pain was my responsibility. I shouldn’t have gone to Gabriel alone.
* * * *
A punctured lung, broken ribs, a myriad of darkening bruises. Perhaps the list would have been longer if Cameron hadn’t pulled me out of there.
I dug my fingers into the sturdy sheet beneath me. Closing my eyes, I fought the onslaught of memories. I was wrong. There was no maybe or perhaps. If Cameron hadn’t been there, it would have been much worse. However, that realization wasn’t enough to temper the guilt. Cameron shouldn’t have been there. I shouldn’t have been there. I wasn’t sure I would ever forgive myself for what had happened.
Unclenching my fingers, I grabbed the book from the side table and began to leaf through the pages. Visiting hours would soon begin, and I had a feeling that Chris and Cameron were waiting for the signal to enter. A flash of guilt struck me, like it had done several times since the nurse had asked about my family. My choice to keep them in the dark was probably less than healthy, but I wasn’t ready to deal with them yet. I didn’t have it in me to explain everything while still showing the obvious signs of abuse. It was enough that I’d talked to people from college and the police. They’d taken photos as well, something I didn’t want to think about.
Five days had passed, and the doctors were finally ready to let me out of here. Every ailment that remained would sort itself out as long as I was careful. No more punches. No excessive training—as if that would happen anyway.
I ran my finger along the ruined spine of the paperback. The dog-eared book wasn’t the most interesting piece of literature I’d ever come across, but perhaps that was to be expected from a novel someone had been kind enough to offer from the makeshift library on the ward. A nurse had brought it in last night, and damn it if the guy hadn’t been flirting.
I smiled at the worn pages. It felt nice to be seen, even if I shouldn’t pursue anything remotely romantic with anyone for a long time. Cameron had me trembling, but I wasn’t ready for another relationship. I was too afraid, too unstable and too guilty about what had happened. He deserved someone who knew who they were and what they wanted. Besides, he was out of bounds.
The guy in the bed next to mine shifted around, breaking what little focus I had. Giving up on the book, I put it aside.
He yawned and sat up, showing off arms littered with dark bruises. Our gazes met as he pulled the blanket around him.
“Hi,” he said, then after a few seconds, “shit, what time is it?”
I thought that was a pretty weird first exchange of words between two strangers. He had some sort of an accent, though, so perhaps it was completely normal where he was from.
“Time for visitors.”
The guy let out a sigh. “Like that would do me any good.”
“I’m Adam.”
He gave me a brief smile. “Joachim.”
I tasted the unusual name on my tongue, Joah-Kim, another sign that he wasn’t American. I had no idea how to continue. Was I allowed to ask him about the bruises? Did I want him to ask about mine? No, probably not.
“So, what happened to you?” he asked.
Way to be blunt.
“Took a beating,” I replied, hoping that would be enough of an explanation. “What about you?”
“Got bashed outside a club.” He almost seemed to be laughing at our predicament, but there was definitely a sadder tone hiding beneath the deception.
“That sucks. Where are you from?”
“Sweden.”
He did look a bit Scandinavian. High cheekbones, impossibly blond hair, gray-blue eyes.
“Always wanted to go there,” I said.
“Don’t. It’s boring as hell.”
I let out a soft chuckle, careful not to put too much strain on my broken ribs. “Maybe we all say that about our own country.”
“Maybe.” The short answer seemed to hold an entire story, but I had no intention of prying deeper. The guy obviously had it hard enough as it was.
“You here visiting?” I asked, curious to know a little bit more about him. It was a better way to spend the time than reading page upon page of superficial paragraphs, or delving into memories I’d rather forget.
“Kind of,” he replied.
“How do you visit ‘kind of’?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know what I thought would happen. Just wanted to get the hell away. Spent my last money on a ticket, and here I am. Probably have to run from here to avoid the hospital bill. You don’t have free health care, right?”
Frowning, I shook my head and stalled my non-existent answer by fidgeting with a tissue. He was in trouble, for sure.
All of a sudden, he let out a laugh. “You look like someone snatched the last piece of the cake.”
It was an odd expression. Then again, he was from Sweden. I smiled in return, answering his plea to lighten the mood. I recognized the behavior, since I’d done it too many times to count.
Before I had time to answer, the door swung open and revealed Chris and Cameron hovering outside. They seemed hesitant until they caught on to my improved mood.
Chris beamed. “Good to see you’re getting better. Gotta be glad we’re taking you home.” He walked over and slapped my shoulder. Lucky for him, it didn’t hurt. That was probably an effect of the painkillers, though.
Cameron made a more careful entry, stopping by the foot of the bed. Like always, my attention zoned in on him as if he shone like a bright beacon of light at the end of the tunnel.
“How are you doing?” he asked, concern lacing his features. The bruise around his eye was fading, but my guilt wasn’t. He shouldn’t have taken hits for me.
“Great.” That was, of course, a pretty shitty lie, but they wanted me to get better, and so I would.
“You ready to go home?” Cameron smiled, but it was a strained one. He didn’t believe me.
I thought about it, wondering how I would react to seeing the long corridors back at our building. We hadn’t talked about Gabriel, which meant that I didn’t know if he still lived one floor down from my room. The distance wasn’t enough, not now when I’d finally told him that I never wanted to see him again.
Looking briefly at the Swedish guy, making sure he wasn’t listening too hard, I decided to come clean about my fears. “Is Gabriel still there?”
Cameron shook his head. “No. It’s been a few intense days, but he’s charged with assault, awaiting bail. We had a few onlookers who’ve agreed to be witnesses, and they have your statement and the photographs of your injuries.” He paused, taking hold of the metal bed frame with his long fingers. “It sounds like they have a pretty solid case against him.”
I didn’t know how to feel about anything. Prison seemed like such a harsh punishment. I didn’t want his future completely ruined—he deserved a chance just like the rest of us. On the other hand, I was relieved to hear he wasn’t around.
Chris squeezed my shoulder. “You okay?”
“Yeah.” Another lie. I needed time to process this, but I would rather spend that time at home than in a hospital room that reeked of sanitizer. “Just get me out of here and I’ll be fine.”
Chris took a step to the side, and I caught the Swedish guy looking at us with a deep crease between his eyebrows. He caught himself and grinned when he met my gaze. I wondered what he would do and how he was going to make it back to Sweden. If my situation was bad, his must have been ten times worse.
Maybe it was the hidden pain I saw behind his carefully crafted mask that made me want to help him. “Chris, do you have a pen?” I asked.
He appeared surprised. “No, but I can get one.” He trudged out of the room, glancing at Joachim as if he guessed the guy was involved somehow.
Cameron stepped closer, playing with the frills on my blue blanket. Silence descended as my fingers twitched to reveal my frazzled nerves. I wanted to touch, to feel his warmth, but I wasn’t allowed. It was too soon, and besides, I wasn’t sure if he saw me as something
more than a friend. I remembered his quiet rejection all too well.
Chris returned, effectively disrupting the awkward tension as he threw a pen in my direction. I failed to catch it and groaned as it clattered across the floor.
“Remind me never to throw you something important. You suck at catching.” Chris chuckled and bent down to retrieve the pen.
Grabbing a napkin to jot down my number, I felt the others’ stares on me. I wondered what they were thinking. Maybe they thought I was ready to make a move on my current roommate.
Ignoring them, I gave the napkin to Joachim. “If you don’t know where to go, or whatever, you can call.”
His big blue-gray eyes sparkled with astonishment. “Are you serious?”
I nodded. “Don’t know how I can help you, but I will try.”
“Thanks.” I caught a hint of relief in his tone, but he hid it remarkably well, as if he didn’t want the others to know.
It felt surprisingly good to help someone else, or at least to offer help. I hadn’t been very good at helping myself these last few months, but perhaps this was a step forward.
Cameron seemed to assess the Swede with a strange frown on his face while Chris appeared confused more than anything else. Deciding to wait to give explanations for my sudden interest in the Swede, I made an attempt to rise from the bed. Both of them rushed to help me.
“Guys, stop. I’m fine.” I almost went so far as to push their hands away. Both of them listened, however, taking a step back to allow me some space.
I’m fine.
I was far from fine, but I had time to heal. Everything had happened too fast. First the trip to the Bahamas, then coming home to the disastrous meeting with Gabriel, and now five days at a hospital. I needed time to think, and I definitely needed time to process my weird attraction for Cameron.
He wrapped his arm around me, steadying me as if he knew I was failing. All I wanted was to sink into his side, letting him carry me through everything that lay ahead. But I wasn’t his burden to carry.
Chapter Thirty-One
Chris let out a heavy sigh, his hands hiding the dark circles beneath his eyes. Empty coffee cups littered both our desks, stacks of books piled up on the floor and crumpled papers lay strewn across all available surfaces. At any other time, I would have cleaned up the place for both our sakes, but I didn’t have time to spare.
He let out an exasperated sound of anger blended with exhaustion. “I can’t…I don’t get this shit.” Those words had been on repeat for the last three hours.
I leaned back in my chair, shifting around to find some sort of position that wouldn’t kill me slowly. “Don’t worry so much.”
“I wouldn’t worry if I thought I would make it through.”
Shaking my head at Chris’ lack of confidence, I continued to read through my notes. We were both in the same position, trying to cram as much knowledge as possible into our poor brains before the finals. I was strangely happy for the distraction. It left me no time to think about Gabriel or what the attorney and the police were doing to get him incarcerated. It also gave me a sense of purpose and normalcy. Even if things had happened, life went on without pause.
He slammed his laptop shut and swiveled his chair around. “I need a break.”
So did I, but time was scarce.
He stood, obviously sensing my reluctance. After a second of hesitation, he grabbed my upper arm, pulled me from my seat and steered us both to the door without noticing how I’d flinched. “You need a break too.”
“I don’t know—”
“I know. We both need to get out of here for a minute.”
I rubbed my eyes, a clear sign that I had stared at the notes for far too long. “Fine. I need to get back soon, though.”
“Let’s get a coffee.” He pulled on his sneakers and tugged at his sweatpants with a dismal frown.
I chuckled at his sudden bout of attention for his general appearance. “If we drink more coffee, we’ll likely get ulcers. Think I’ve had ten cups already today.”
Chris winced. “True.”
I wondered if I looked as exhausted as Chris did. He had this haze across his eyes, even if they were wild from all the caffeine. It was an unsettling appearance, and I hoped we hadn’t studied like this for nothing. If I failed my exams, this year would officially be the worst one ever.
The large cafeteria in the building next door was almost empty, which wasn’t so strange considering the hour. Most students had likely retreated to calmer spots to study. The place would soon close, anyway. The balding man working behind the counter threw us a flat stare, as if he didn’t want any more customers.
The chair screeched as Chris pulled it back from the table. “You’re not getting anything?”
I shook my head. “You?”
“Too tired.”
“Same.”
He leaned back in the metal chair. “So, are you happy classes are over soon?”
“Yeah. I need a break from this.”
Chris mussed his hair, waiting a second too long to continue. His hesitation nudged my warning bells. I didn’t need another conversation about Gabriel.
“Nothing to do with Cameron finally becoming available?”
I swallowed hard—that was not the question I’d expected.
“I can’t believe you said that.”
Chris cleared his throat, staring at me intently.
“What?” I asked.
“It’s obvious, but you need to be pushed in the right direction. That guy is gold and you’re letting him slip through your fingers.”
I was doing no such thing. Cameron wasn’t interested and I had enough on my plate with the impending trial. Talking to police officers killed all thoughts of romance. They had walked me through all the memories I could muster, chasing details I’d rather not remember. It was purging, in a way, but also seriously painful. The only relief was that the judge had decided to refuse Gabriel bail.
My thoughts returned to Cameron at Chris’ insistent stare. “Why are we talking about this anyway?”
“Saw him with someone yesterday.” Chris shifted as if his seat were uncomfortable.
Did he have to tell me that? “You think this helps?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose and had the decency to look slightly ashamed. “Maybe not.”
Both of us were teetering at the edge, clinging to whatever sanity we had left after weeks of unbearable studying. This wasn’t the time to challenge each other—it wasn’t the time to tell me Cameron was seeing someone else. Surely Chris understood that.
I deflated, feeling absolutely wrecked. “What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to say that you care.”
More pain. “We’re just friends.”
He shook his head. “No. You’re not only friends. And you’ve been doing so good. Ever since you got rid of Gabriel…” He gestured with his hands, sending me a clear message only to let them fall to his knees. “It’s just…you’re back, and I wish you’d let your guard down when Cameron’s around.”
“Chris, stop it. I can’t be interested in anyone right now. I have the finals to think about. I have a messed-up relationship behind me and a trial ahead.” Leaning my elbows on the wobbly table, I heaved a sigh. “Love is out of the question for me.”
Chris shook his head. “You can’t mean that. I know you like him.”
“This isn’t the right time. I need to feel like I can do this without depending on someone else all the time.” I tried to sound as certain as I could in the hope that he would understand. I needed to feel strong, not just like a victim pining for his savior.
My best friend frowned only to slap his palm across his face. He appeared tired, but most of all he seemed uncomfortable. “You’re right. And I lied.”
“What?”
“About seeing him with someone else.”
Shaking my head, I rose, causing the chair to fall behind me. This really wasn’t my day. A lone onlooker in the far corn
er studied us with mild interest. I wondered if he’d heard us talk, and if he was secretly laughing.
“Let’s go back and study.”
Chris stood placing a hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry. I get that it’s too early.”
“It is.”
“But Cameron is a great guy, and he won’t wait forever.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled slowly. Chris wasn’t being fair.
“He shouldn’t.”
“I’m not sure you mean that.”
“I do. Drop it, Chris.” I wanted to curse at him, but that would only attract more attention, which I’d rather avoid.
“Fine. How’s Joachim, by the way?” Chris asked, executing a perfect attempt at lightening the mood as we walked out of the cafeteria.
None of us had bought anything, but then again, maybe it was the change of scenery that had helped us shift our focus from studies to something else, although I could have lived without the conversation about Cameron.
“Earth to Adam.”
“What?” I asked.
“Have you heard from Joachim?”
“Yeah, talked to him yesterday.”
“How’s he doing?” Chris pressed the button by the entrance to open it automatically. Lazy bastard.
“He’s doing all right. Found a room for the rest of the month. He’s playing in a few nights.”
Joachim somehow made a life from the income he got from nightclubs, standing on the stage and blasting music through over-sized speakers. He was good, though, so it wasn’t totally unbelievable.
“We should bring Dante,” Chris said.
“Why, is he coming to visit again?”
“Yeah, he’ll be here for a couple of days.”
My gut lurched as it always did when we passed Gabriel’s corridor, but I closed off and pushed through, keeping my eyes focused on the stairs in front of us. If I glanced to my right, it would become worse. A few times, I’d seen a figure at the corner of my eye—a figment of my imagination instilling tremors of terror.
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