The words pierce my gut. ‘You can’t, Jay.’
‘I’ve tried to ignore it, but seeing you with that guy has …’ He drops his forehead to mine and takes a breath.
‘Jay.’ I mean it as a warning but it comes out too soft and breathy.
‘Do you not feel anything for me?’ His voice is almost a whisper. My chest aches and my stomach stirs.
‘It doesn’t matter. I can’t allow myself to, Jay. I’m your boss. Can’t you just accept I have a professional rule and move on?’
‘Please, Kat, can you honestly say you don’t feel a spark when we’re together?’
He’s the picture of beauty. Almost naked in front of me bar his loosely tied dressing gown, his flawless skin, soulful eyes and full mouth. ‘Yes.’ I almost choke on the word and I can tell he’s about as convinced as I am by the answer.
‘You look good on stage, you get the crowd going and I’m glad I selected you in the audition, but, no, personally, I’m not attracted to you in that way,’ I say with more conviction this time.
‘Fine,’ he says. His answer is short but thickened with the heaviness of his hard-set jaw. ‘Parameters clearly defined.’
‘Goodnight, Jay.’ I walk to the door, half expecting him to stop me, but he doesn’t. It’s not until I reach my own apartment that I can relax. Slumping against the wall, I throw my head back.
‘Jay, you idiot,’ I say aloud.
Why did he have to go and complicate things like that? Of course, I’m attracted to him – who wouldn’t be? But he had no right bringing it up and drawing attention to the fact. He knows my rules about not dating the dancers. Screw that, he knows how I felt about dating full stop. I’ve shared everything with him recently, and he had no right to try to turn our friendship into something more. It feels like a betrayal.
When I’m back in bed, I can’t get Jay out of my head no matter what I try. I listen to music but I picture his face. I play stupid games on my phone but then get mad at myself when he creeps back into my mind. In the end, I do the one thing that should help. I text Alonso.
Hi, can’t sleep. Just wondered if you were awake? xx
He replies moments later.
Hi Kat, I’ve been at the bar cashing up after closing. I was about to go home but I can call over and keep you company if you like? Good intentions only ;) xx
I smile. Maybe taking the next step with Alonso is what I need to do. If we don’t connect physically, how can I really expect to connect with him on any other level?
I’d love you to. Your intentions don’t have to be all that good ;) xx
He responds immediately.
Be there in 15 xx P.S. I got the Heavenly Hunks another gig. A friend of mine has a hotel in Los Christianos and wanted something new. It fits with the dates you wanted to book in Tenerife. I’ll give you the details later.
I put the phone on the side and jump out of bed. Even though I haven’t slept I still have the stale, cottony taste of morning breath in my mouth from the two minutes I must have dozed for, and I should have a quick shower before he comes, just in case. I should also swap the old T-shirt I’ve been using as a nightie for some proper PJs. When I’ve taken care of all that, I go to pour a glass of wine, but, given the time, I’m not sure what that might look like so I settle for a glass of water. When I hear the knock on the door, I realise I haven’t thought about Jay once in the last fifteen minutes.
Chapter 17
There’s an incessant hammering on my front door. I check the time; it’s noon. We’re not rehearsing until three so God knows who this is or what they want. The bed next to me is empty and I vaguely recall Alonso waking me up a few hours ago to say goodbye. We’d stayed up talking all night again and kissed a LOT, but he stayed true to his word and didn’t push me for anything more and my admittedly skimpy short-pyjamas stayed on until after Alonso left. I was roasting so went back to sleep in my underwear. The frantic knocking comes again and I jump out of bed – it could be an emergency. Wrapping a towel around myself for modesty, I almost trip over my discarded PJs as I dart to the door.
‘Jay, what’s going on?’
‘I would have come earlier but I thought you might need your rest.’ His arms are folded across his chest. Is he mad at me for something? I thought we’d dealt with everything last night.
‘Why? What’s happened?’ My voice is thick with sleep.
‘I saw him leave.’
It takes me a minute to process what he’s talking about.
‘Alonso?’
‘Who else?’ he says drily.
‘Have you just turned up to hammer down my door and judge me for spending time with Alonso?’
His shoulders sag. ‘No, I’m sorry. I actually came to apologise for last night. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.’
I tug his T-shirt. ‘You’d better come inside.’
When the door is closed he sits down on the chair. I notice him glance at the crumpled nightwear on the floor and I feel a twisty pang of guilt so scoop them up and throw them into my laundry bag.
‘I don’t know what has gotten into you either,’ I say, and regret it instantly. I know exactly what’s gotten into him – I made him talk and his emotions got the better of him.
‘I don’t think Alonso is the right guy for you.’
‘Well remember all that talk about me going out there and trying dating out? I am and I’m enjoying myself.’
‘Good,’ he says without conviction. ‘I want you to be happy. I just … I hope you didn’t do anything you might regret last night because you were angry with me.’
I look at the floor. ‘It’s none of your business what I did or didn’t do last night.’
He stands up and walks over to me. When he’s about a foot away, he ducks, moving into my eye line. He doesn’t even touch me yet my skin tingles at his proximity and every part of me wants to move closer so our bodies meet.
‘I just don’t want to see you get hurt.’
‘I know what I’m doing.’
Jay steps back and nods. ‘Okay, I behaved like an idiot last night but I meant what I said; I have feelings for you, Kat. You’re different to anyone I’ve ever met.’
Irritation flames in my ribcage. ‘You know what, Jay? You have no right to tell me that now I’m with someone. I’ve taken a huge step forward with Alonso, and you’re part of the reason I felt brave enough to do that. Now you’re here trying to make out it’s all a mistake because it doesn’t fit your agenda. Your agenda that just popped up at two in the morning by the way.’
He sighs, defeated, and throws himself back down on the chair.
‘You’re right, I’m sorry, again. But for the record, it didn’t just pop up at two in the morning. I’ve been keeping my feelings quiet for a while. I think you’re amazing.’
My stomach stirs.
‘I love how you came here and built up the Hunks by yourself. I love how you care about people and I love that you grabbed the bull by the horns and downloaded Tinder to try dating after so many years of not wanting to. You’re special, Kat.’
Tears feel like tiny needles jabbing my eyes.
‘Do you have proper feelings for this Alfonso guy then?’
‘Alonso.’
‘I don’t care.’ He shakes his head. ‘Do you love him?’
‘No.’ I don’t know why but anger burns inside me. I shouldn’t be explaining myself to Jay. I don’t know why I am.
‘Does he make you happy?’ he asks.
‘Yes, of course he does.’
‘Does he really though?’ Jay’s tone is firm now. ‘If he does, I’ll leave now and I won’t mention it again.’
‘Yes!’ My voice is loud and surprisingly steady.
‘Does he light a fire inside you?’
Fire? ‘He’s a good guy!’ I’m shouting now.
‘Does he fill you with excitement, make you feel alive?’ Jay’s eyes are ablaze. The passion in them makes me falter.
‘I don’t—’
He stands up again and walks over to me slowly. ‘Does every nerve in your body light up when he does this?’ Slowly, he leans in and presses his lips against mine. There’s plenty of time to stop him but a part of me doesn’t want to. Fire fills my lower abdomen, my skin tingles and my blood fizzes through my veins. Every molecule in me reacts to the heat from Jay’s body, and the urge to press my body into his is impossible to fight.
I pull away, thumping my fist against Jay’s firm chest as I do.
‘How dare you?’ I yell. ‘How fucking dare you? Get out!’
I shove him through the door. He doesn’t make it easy but he doesn’t resist either. Once he’s out, I slam the door shut.
***
‘You know what I’ve said about your friends. You can’t let them walk all over you, Katelyn. You know I’m just looking out for you.’
‘Iain, can’t you just drop it? All I did was lend my friend twenty quid.’
‘No!’ He slams his hands on the table and I jump. ‘I’m sorry, Kat. Don’t be frightened.’ His voice is softer as he moves towards me. He’s close now. His warm breath engulfs my face. It’s minty but I detect a hint of coffee and day-old aftershave. He lifts his hand to my face and cups my chin gently, rubbing my cheek with his thumb.
‘Don’t cry. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I just love you so much.’ His hand tightens on my face. ‘I can’t stand to see people treat you like shit. You are everything to me and I just want people to respect you. The story you told me about school, about not fitting in and being teased, it broke my heart. I just want to protect you, my love.’
I think back to that conversation we had when our love was new and we stayed up all night telling each other everything. I remember his red-rimmed eyes after I told him what the other kids used to say to me. The memories didn’t hurt me anymore; telling him was part of letting him in and getting to know one another. I didn’t think he’d take it quite that badly, but seeing him get so emotional over it was one of the reasons I fell in love with him, because he cares so much about me. My stomach twists. Iain can see things I can’t. Perhaps if he’d been at my school looking out for me, life would have been different.
‘You’re right. I’m going to say no to lending any more money. I’m not a pushover, not anymore.’
He smiles and pulls me in. Pressing himself against me, he kisses me hard and the solidness pushing against my hip tells me that he wants me.
‘Let’s go to the bedroom,’ I say, yanking him towards the stairs.
Chapter 18
‘What on earth is the matter with you?’ Andrea wraps her arms around my shoulders and squeezes gently.
I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and sniff. I’m in the corner of her bar and thankfully the place is empty, aside from a few people having lunch on the outside terrace.
‘Has Alonso done something wrong?’ she asks softly.
She walks over to the bar and I hear her pour some liquid into a glass.
‘No, he’s been great.’
She presses a small glass into my hand. ‘It’s tequila. It will take the edge off,’ she says, knocking one back herself. ‘Sorry, I didn’t bother with the salt and lemon.’
‘Thanks, Andri.’
‘So, are you going to tell me why you look like a panda?’
‘It’s one of my dancers – Jay?’
She raises her eyebrows. ‘Okay, what did he do?’
‘He told me he had feelings for me.’
‘And that’s so bad because …’
‘Because we work together and I’m seeing Alonso and he has no right to push the boundaries like that.’
‘Okay, so did you tell him he’d overstepped the mark?’
‘He kissed me, Andri!’
She studies my face. ‘And you didn’t want him to?’
‘Of course not. I’m seeing Alonso and I’m his boss!’
She folds her arms. ‘So he kissed you without permission?’
I can tell she’s angry. ‘Yes, but only for a second. He was upset. Don’t worry, I gave him what for.’
‘That’s my girl!’
‘So, when he’s not behaving like an ass, how do you feel about this Jay guy?’
‘We get along really well and of course, he’s hot as hell.’
She gives me a knowing smile. It’s no secret that Andrea admires the view when we’re rehearsing.
‘We have become quite close recently but I thought it was as friends. That’s what I’m so annoyed about – I really enjoy spending time with him and now he’s gone and done this.’
Andrea puts a gentle hand on my knee. ‘I get why you’re upset and things might be a little awkward for a while but he’s the one who caused this. You shouldn’t feel bad.’ I think about what I’ve told her so far, and I see her point.
‘It’s complicated.’ I shake my head without the vocabulary to answer. I suppose in some way, I opened the can of worms that is Jay’s emotions.
‘As far as I can tell, the only reason this would upset you is if you have feelings too.’ She shrugs.
My knee-jerk reaction is to protest. But I imagine any of the other guys confessing feelings for me – I’d think it was cute, I’d let them down gently, and we’d forget about it and move on. So why is it so different with Jay? Granted, I do find him attractive … ‘But he’s an employee,’ I blurt.
She shrugs again.
‘And I’m seeing Alonso. He stayed over last night.’ I clamp my hand over my mouth but it’s too late – her eyes pop out on stalks.
‘You slept together?’
‘No, but we fell asleep cuddling.’
‘So now we have Fifty Shades Lighter,’ she says drily.
‘It was nice.’
‘And do you have feelings for Alonso?’
I think back to lying in bed in his arms. He smelt good and did all the right things, but if I’m honest, I didn’t get any warm gooey feelings in my chest and I hate myself for it.
‘Not yet,’ I say sadly. ‘But it’s still early days isn’t it?’
‘I would have thought you’d feel something by now.’
‘I know,’ I say, my spirits dampened. ‘I need to give it one last go. Maybe we need to do something different, have some fun. So far all we’ve done is drink together. Maybe we should do something a little more “out there”. We could rent a pedalo or go to the waterpark or something. Alonso is always a perfect gent but I think it’s time to scratch his surface and see him with his guard down. I’m going to drag him to the beach for a swim. If we have a laugh together and I don’t feel anything after that, I’ll know for sure and I’ll call things off.’ I glance at my watch. ‘If I’m not back when the guys arrive can you start them off?’
She shrugs. ‘Sure.’
‘Thanks, Andri. You’re a star.’ I kiss her on the cheek.
I walk the short distance to Alonso’s bar. With every step, I have the overwhelming urge to turn back. Is a banana boat a stupid idea? It’s probably better to make plans first isn’t it?
I find myself outside Alonso’s bar, frozen. Is it a good idea to go in there and drag him off in the hunt for a deeper connection? The place is open, his staff are in there, and he’s probably working really hard. Will he think I’m an idiot? As this moral quandary progresses, I see him step outside to the bar terrace. The image isn’t quite right. He’s holding hands with someone. She looks young, early twenties perhaps, and she’s very pretty, with long dark hair and a white halter dress that sets off her tan. She spins around and cups his face in both her hands before kissing him tenderly. My stomach turns to ice.
I feel like a voyeur, and I try to look away but the shock is too much. I’m not hurt exactly but in many ways I am. I feel ridiculous. I feel like I carried a watermelon. I slump against a post. All this time doing well on my own and I finally let a man in again who proves me right. Men treat women like crap. I almost want to run over there and give the girl a good shake – or at least warn her. The poor thing is looking at
him with besotted adoration. When I find myself still staring, I have to physically remove myself so I can’t watch. I practically run back to Andrea’s bar until I cross the threshold and smash into her.
‘Wow, steady,’ she says, putting her hands on my arms. ‘I guess Alonso didn’t fancy renting a pedalo? Was he okay?’
I let out a dry laugh. ‘He’s fine. Better than ever, you could say.’
‘Oh?’ She furrows her tidy brow.
‘I didn’t tell him, because when I got there, he was with someone else.’
‘What?’ Her eyes goggle.
‘You said he was a decent guy.’
‘He is. I mean, he has short-term flings, but because of the hours he works, I just assumed the women wanted more than he could offer and things fizzled out. I had no idea he would do something like this.’
‘I think it’s less to do with the hours he works and more to do with the meandering contents of his pants.’ There’s little point dwelling on it and at least it’s over before it really started.
‘I’m sorry, Kat,’ she says.
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘I feel responsible; you’re not okay.’
‘I’m fine.’ I clap my hands together. ‘Right, are my boys here?’ I ask, but before she answers, I hear the music start. ‘Ahh, I’ll see you later.’
She heads to the bar area. As I approach the guys a few of them wave, nod or smile to acknowledge me. Jay, on the other hand, can’t look me in the eye. I try to ignore him and slip into a seat near the stage. As he dances, his eyes are to the back of the room. His jeans are pulled low enough I can see the fine hair beneath his navel and the carved-out structure of his abs. His naked chest glistens slightly under the lighting and I try to focus on his face as his muscles ripple with each movement of the grinding motion he’s performing.
I rummage in my handbag just for something else to look at and I notice Alonso has sent a text.
Enjoyed spending time together last night. I’m busy for a few days but will arrange that picnic soon xx
I clench my jaw. I’ll bet he’s busy! I’m angry but I realise something. I’m not upset. I should feel something more but I don’t. I’m embarrassed and annoyed with myself for being proven right about men, but I’m not upset about losing Alonso. One thing that’s really grating on me is Jay. He knew I had no connection with Alonso before I’d properly realised myself. I hate that he saw that and I don’t know why.
Sun, Sea and Sangria Page 11
