The boys take a break. When they approach the table where the refreshments are, I don’t feel like getting involved in the usual banter so I head outside for some air.
‘Kat, wait.’ Jay jogs to catch me up.
‘Not now, Jay,’ I say wearily.
‘I can see you’re upset and you have every right to be. If Alonso makes you happy that’s great. I care about you, Kat, and that means wanting you to be happy. I’ve been a dick.’
I force a smile. ‘You have, but I’m not upset with you.’
‘What is it then?’
‘You were right,’ I say.
‘Oh, Kat, I’m sorry. I hope you didn’t take any of what I said on board. It’s too soon for feelings.’
‘It’s not just that. Alonso is just what I expected.’ I shake my head. ‘I knew it. I knew I’d be disappointed if I went down this stupid rabbit hole of dating and there he was today, hand-in-hand with someone else.’
‘What an idiot. I’m sorry, Kat.’
‘It’s fine. He’s just confirmed what I always knew. I’m happier being the only person I need to count on.’
‘What did he have to say for himself?’
‘I haven’t even confronted him yet. I panicked and dashed back here.’ I start to get a bubble of anger. ‘But I’m going to!’
‘Good on you.’ He pauses. ‘Can we be friends again?’
I nod. ‘Pull anything like that again, with me or anyone else, and you’ll be sorry.’
‘Noted.’
After rehearsals, everyone disperses and I find myself wandering alone along the grey, sandy beach of Costa Adeje, taking in the salty air. I call Alonso because I don’t want to see him and create a scene. He doesn’t answer but I get his answerphone. For a second, I deliberate and almost hang up but in the end, I realise I’d rather leave a message and never speak to him again.
‘Hi, Alonso, I saw you with the girl in the white dress today. I’m too old to play games and be taken for a ride so I don’t want to see you again. If I catch you cheating on the girl in the white dress, I’ll make sure she knows exactly what you’re doing. Oh, and you can shove your gigs up your—’ The beep cuts me off. At least he’ll get the gist.
I get my feet wet, and when I find a quiet spot, I sit down and take in the view. With things ending the way they did with Alonso I feel a little bit at a loss. It’s not so much that he was seeing someone else. It’s why I went there in the first place. Why was I trying to force myself to feel something for him? Was Andrea right? Are my feelings for Jay stronger than I’m letting on? Was I trying to mask them? The best thing I can do is go back to the way I’ve always lived since being out here. A seagull lands on the sand in front of me. It watches me, probably hoping for some food. I let out a small, humourless laugh. Yesterday I had the undivided attention of a handsome rich man; today I have the undivided attention of a seagull hoping for food scraps and I’m just fine with that.
***
‘I need to get some food in for tomorrow,’ I say as I unload the dishwasher. Iain is grinding coffee beans and I have to shout over the noise.
‘What for? Can’t we just eat something out of the freezer?’ He adds two heaped spoons of coffee to the boiling water he’s already poured into the cafetiѐre.
‘Leftovers for my mum and dad? We can do a bit better than that, can’t we? I was thinking homemade spag bol and some of that nice cheesy garlic bread – the one that looks like a pizza.’ I put the plastic items on the drainer; they never dry in the dishwasher.
‘Your mum and dad?’ Iain pulls his face so far back he gives himself a double chin.
‘Er, yes. They’re coming to stay, remember?’
‘Tomorrow?’
‘Yes, we had a conversation about it, didn’t we?’ Now I think about it, I can’t really remember. I remember talking to Mum about it, and I remember that I was going to tell Iain but then he wasn’t home and maybe I just rehearsed the conversation in my head. I do that sometimes.
‘No, Kat. All I remember is the conversation where we decided we were going to have a quiet month. You know work has been hectic, and sometimes it’s nice to just come home and not have to make polite chitchat with anyone.’
He has been working hard recently. ‘I’m sorry, I must have got my wires crossed. I’ll tell them you’re feeling off. They’ll understand.’
He puts a spoon down with force and shakes his head. ‘We’re not the kind of people who lie or let people down, Kat. If you’ve invited them then you’ve invited them. They’ll have to come now.’
He pours himself a coffee and walks out with a huff.
I feel terrible.
***
A sense of loneliness prompts me to do something I don’t often do. I call my parents. Our fractured relationship never really had the chance to recover after Iain convinced me to push them away, and then I came out here. We email a lot and speak every now and then.
I listen to my mum, taking comfort in the normality of their everyday lives. Dad’s been building a bird box in the shed and Mum has been potting seedlings ready for bedding plant season. They say they’re planning on coming over, which is a surprise. The last time they came was about four years ago and they hated the airport experience so much that they haven’t been since. I never get long enough between gigs to go home anymore and haven’t been back for about two years. When I put the phone down, I feel a little better, like it’s not just me against the world.
Chapter 19
The lights are bright for the final act. All six dancers are on stage for the finale, each tanned and naked from the waist up. Dry ice rises to their knees and the tempo slows. They all start grinding to the beat. It’s nothing new; I’ve seen them work the crowd with the hip thrusts and eye contact a thousand times. It’s what pays the bills, but there’s something different about Jay tonight. His hips thrust deeper and his eyes linger on those of a chosen few. It’s not like him. To the untrained eye, there’s nothing unusual about the performance, but I can tell something is off. Jay has intent in his deep brown eyes.
Tonight’s show went down a storm. It’s at a venue in Playa de las Americas that attracts a lot of hen parties, and there’s always a good atmosphere. We put on a show here roughly every six weeks and it’s always a sell-out. We have a night off tomorrow so I give the guys the go-ahead to go out and have fun. I need some sleep anyway since last night was a write-off, and they do deserve a break.
Jay went with them, and I know it shouldn’t, but thinking of him out there gives me a knot in my stomach. There was definitely something that had changed in his performance tonight; he seemed more into it than he’s ever been. I know he wasn’t intentionally trying to make me jealous as he didn’t know I was watching him. Perhaps he’s changed his mind about the whole not-dating thing and it was his way of putting himself out there.
As I’m walking back to the apartment, my phone rings.
‘Hi, Andri,’ I answer casually, but it’s not like her to call so late – her bar is normally at peak capacity by now.
‘I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. I feel so terrible for lining Alonso up.’
‘Oh, Andri, honestly, I’m fine. To be truthful, it’s what I’ve come to expect from the male of the species, and until one proves otherwise, I’ll continue to do so.’
‘They’re not all bad, honey.’
‘Well, I’m done searching.’
‘And how have things gone with this Jay guy? Are you still on good terms?’
I glance around to make sure he’s not lurking behind me because, let’s face it, he has precedent. ‘He’s apologised but things haven’t been the same.’
‘He’s probably ashamed of himself.’
‘Probably. He’ll come round,’ I say.
‘So, he’s still not giving you any twinges down below?’
‘Andri!’ I gasp.
‘Oh, come on,’ she says. ‘Even Javier gets twinges when he watches them.’ Javier is her husband.
‘I think he’s moved on to brighter things,’ I say, hoping to put an end to the conversation.
‘Already? Why do you think that?’
‘He was … different … tonight at the show, and he went out with the guys afterwards and he never does that.’
‘Maybe he just fancied a drink,’ she says optimistically.
Or, maybe he’s realised that not all women will run a mile if he tells them about his past and he fancied playing the field again.
‘Yes, maybe,’ I reply without conviction.
‘You said no, so what’s the problem anyway?’
‘Shouldn’t you be busy working?’
‘Kat!’ she barks. ‘I am busy, but not so busy I won’t come and shake you.’
‘It feels weird, that’s all.’
‘What does?’
‘The thought of Jay going out tonight.’ Part of me thinks he’s doing it to make a point. The other part of me thinks that he’s realised he’s ready to start dating again. I don’t think for a second he just decided to go out drinking all of a sudden. Whatever the meaning is of his newfound desire for nightlife is, it makes my insides twist.
‘He’s not doing anything wrong.’
‘I know that. I suppose I’m used to him not bothering with women and now he is—’
‘You realise that you want him.’
I pause then whisper, ‘It’s against everything I stand for: my professionalism, my integrity, my loyalty to the other guys.’
‘The heart wants what the heart wants,’ she says, and I know it’s from a movie but give her credit because what else would she say in this context?
‘So what do I do?’
‘Tell him.’ I hear her take a drag of a cigarette. She only smokes when she’s stressed.
‘I know you’re frustrated with me but I can’t. What would you do if it were you and one of your bar staff?’
She cackles wickedly. ‘If he looked like your Hunks? Do you want the PG13 version or the uncut X-rated version?’
‘Thank you for your help,’ I say, sarcasm oozing from every word.
‘I’ll see you soon, honey.’ She blows a kiss down the phone and hangs up before I get a chance to reply. I laugh and put my phone away. By the time I reach our apartment complex, I feel too wound up to go to bed, so I go and sit by the pool and allow the soothing sound of the filter to relax me. It’s a quiet night aside from the chirping of the crickets in the gardens.
I don’t know how much time passes, but I hear voices approaching, male and female. There’s laughter too. My heart starts racing. If it’s Jay, he might think I’m waiting up for him and I’m not, I’m most definitely not. I look left and right but there’s nowhere to hide, so I slink as low as possible on my lounger. I recognise Sammy with a stunning brunette on his arm. She’s all flowing hair and long gorgeous legs – all the better to walk home on in the morning no doubt. I relax. One down, four to go, providing Pauw hasn’t had a row with Phil and decided to stay here and crash on someone’s floor again. Then comes Marcus and Ant both unaccompanied by any guests. Maybe Marcus took my advice after all.
That leaves Hugo and Jay, and since they’re not that close, I can’t imagine they’re together. My heart sinks. I should go to bed; being out here isn’t doing my blood pressure any good. I stand up and head through the gardens towards my staircase.
‘Kat?’
My heart pumps blood around my body so hard it reaches my ears and deafens me. I clench my fists so my fingers don’t tremble before I turn around, terrified of who Jay might be with.
‘You look like you’ve seen a ghost,’ he says, softly. It takes me a second to register he’s alone.
‘I … I wasn’t expecting you back so soon.’ I manage to hold it together long enough to get the sentence out.
‘How much do you think I can drink?’ The corner of his mouth curves up into a lazy smile that makes my insides feel like mush.
‘Some of you were enjoying more than just beer.’
‘I told you – I’m not into picking up girls if that’s what you’re implying.’
I look at him, his face sincere.
‘But—’
‘Were you worried?’ He’s still amused and clearly enjoying this.
‘On stage tonight you were really going for it and I thought you’d changed your mind and were …’
‘You thought I was trying to attract women? God, I should really rehearse in front of a mirror. I just had a lot on my mind that’s all.’
I manage a smile. ‘I don’t know, I wondered if maybe I’d made a mistake.’ As soon as the whispered words come out, I regret them. I glance around to see if the ground has an opening big enough to swallow me.
His smile vanishes. ‘What do you mean?’
He’s making me work for this and I can’t say I blame him. ‘When I thought you’d gone off doing …’ I flap my hand ‘… the stuff the other guys do, I felt …’
He folds his arms impatiently. He’s actually going to make me say the words.
‘I suppose … I felt a little bit … put out.’
‘Put out?’
His dancing eyes embrace me. ‘Yes, like maybe I didn’t want you to do the stuff the other guys do.’
He glances at his feet and kicks a stone, relieving me of the intensity of his eyes. When he looks back up I feel like a rabbit caught in his headlights.
‘I’ve told you before, I don’t want to do the stuff the other guys do,’ he says finally. I let out a sigh of relief that he doesn’t ask me to explain my answer, but the good feeling is short-lived when I realise what he’s saying. This whole ordeal, confessing his feelings and whatnot, has made him realise that he doesn’t want a relationship. I’m okay with that.
Am I okay with that?
He steps closer and cups my face in his hands. I burn under his gaze. ‘I want you.’
As he leans in, I close my eyes. He presses his warm, soft lips to mine and kisses me. It’s slow, and for the first time since we started talking I sense his uncertainty, so I grab his T-shirt and pull him in closer so our bodies are pressed together. He responds by kissing me harder, more urgently. His hands move down my spine to the arch in my back, sending tingles through each of my vertebrae.
I don’t want to stop, but I become suddenly aware of my surroundings. Any moment now, one of the guys could walk past and I don’t want any of them to find out about whatever this is. I pull away.
‘We shouldn’t do this here,’ I say, my voice all breathy. ‘Come up to my room.’
‘Well,’ he kisses me on the lips, ‘it’s late,’ he kisses me again, ‘and as much as I want to go up to your room and tear your clothes off, I want to do this properly.’
I don’t know if I feel disappointed or relieved, but I can’t deny that it makes sense so I nod in agreement.
‘How about I take you out on a date?’
My chest leaps. ‘I’d love to.’
He takes my hand in his. It’s warm and big enough that it engulfs mine. ‘Tomorrow is our night off. Fancy doing something then?’
‘Yes, perfect.’ I flash him a shy smile.
‘Shall we say six?’
‘Sounds good.’ I squeeze his hand. ‘But, Jay, can we keep this from the guys for now?’
‘We can do, but they really won’t care.’
‘You haven’t been around long enough to know how close we all are. They might think you’ll get special favours or something.’
‘Well, I hope one day I do get special favours.’ He grins devilishly and I bat him on the chest with my free hand.
‘You know what I mean.’
He exhales loudly. ‘Kat, I know you’re close, but I’ve been sharing rooms with these guys. They just want you to be happy. Marcus asked me the other day if you and I had slept together because he could sense some tension between us.’
Guys have that intuition too? ‘And how did he seem?’
‘Fine! He didn’t care. Pauw and Ant wouldn’t care, Hugo probably thi
nks you’re with one of us anyway, and Sammy only thinks about sex – he’ll wonder why it’s taken so long.’
I sigh. He’s probably right but it doesn’t sit well with me as an employer nor as a woman figuring things out. I don’t need an audience. ‘Well, can we at least spend some time seeing what this thing between us is before we do tell them?’
‘Of course.’ He kisses my forehead. ‘We should get some sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.’
He bounces down the steps to his apartment, leaving me shivering with the breeze and the remains of his touch.
Chapter 20
The next morning, I’m once again awoken by frantic hammering on the door. I think I need to put some sort of sign up or have the outside of it clad in velvet cushioning or something. When I swing the door open, I’m surprised to see Paul.
‘You’re out and about early,’ I say, before noticing the worry on his face. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘You need to see this, Kat.’ He thrusts a newspaper at me. It’s English. The Daily Mirror. I frown at him and he nods at it, prompting me to look. I unfold it, and to my horror, the front page is almost entirely covered with a photo from our show a few weeks ago. The moment the photographer has captured isn’t the best. Marcus is centre stage and has his hand on his crotch, licking his lips. It must have been a split-second combination. The Heavenlies don’t really do crotch-grabbing but this looks bad. It looks seedy.
I shake my head. ‘It’s fine. Must be a slow news week.’
‘Have you read the heading?’ Paul says, jabbing at the page. My eyes fall on the huge black lettering – like grown-ups need size fifty font! Seriously.
SUN, SEX AND STRIPPERS – How sex-mad Brits are flocking to book raunchy Spanish getaways
‘Oh, God,’ I mutter. ‘But for every person who thinks it’s an outrage, there will be another rallying their girlfriends for a long weekend away.’
Sun, Sea and Sangria Page 12
