SEAL'd Heart

by Alice Ward

  “Because I know you. I’ve known you for forever and I’ve seen how much better you are even now. This is a blip, Jake. A blip on the radar, a cruel reminder that it’s time for you to get some help. Do you know how happy you’ve made me these past weeks? How happy you’ve made your little boy? Don’t give up on us. Please. Don’t run this time. Stick it out. And I swear to you, I’ll stick it out too.”

  His shoulders shook with suppressed emotion, and he reached for the gun in my hand. I tightened my grip, willing to fight him before I’d give it up.

  “Trust me,” he said, and I looked into his eyes. Saw the goodness there. The strength.

  Still watching him closely, I let it go. Watched him pull back the metal piece on top, a bullet flying out, making me jump. He pushed a button and the thing that held the rest of the bullets fell onto his lap. He did something else to the gun, causing it to open all the way before turning it to me. I could see all the way through it, and I realized he was proving that it was empty. He tossed it on the cushion several feet away.

  I was still sitting on him, and he rested his hands on my thighs, and I covered his with my palms, taking comfort in his warmth.

  “For six years, I’ve known what to do. Even if my mind didn’t know, muscle memory kicked in, and I was able to do it anyway. I was good in the Navy. Strong and competent. Even with everything that went down with Trey, with you, I was able to push past it, feel like I was doing something important. My men knew they could count on me to have their backs. And just like that…” he snapped his fingers, “something went wrong in my head. I’d shake when I held a gun. I hesitated. I saw faces where there weren’t any faces. Danger where there was none.”

  The fingers on my thighs tightened and loosened as I watched him relive those moments that haunted him in his mind.

  “I became paranoid. I had these nightmares. Daymares. Nothing in the world looked right. I left the Navy. I was no good to them anymore. I thought I’d get over it, that time would heal all wounds.” He barked out a laugh. “They just festered, reopening time and again. It hurt, and I just wanted the pain to stop.”

  Raising a hand to his jaw, I cupped his face, the stubble there tickling my palm. “One of the things that I remember most from my training is how our moods work. When we are in acceptance of the facts and possibilities in our lives, we can find peace and hope. But when we refuse to accept the facts and possibilities in our lives, we live in anger and depression, with ultimate depression leading to suicide. When you sat here with that gun, you couldn’t accept the possibilities that things could be better, different. Too many people feel that way.”

  He turned his face and kissed my palm. “I think I’ve refused to accept a lot of things for a long time.”

  “Yeah, I think so too.”

  “It seems wrong to just accept it. It’s kind of like flipping that person off, telling them they no longer matter.”

  I shook my head. “Acceptance isn’t like that. It’s being able to say that rocks are hard and water is wet. Trey is dead, and I hate it. It’s saying that I wish it could be different, but it isn’t, so I must accept that he’s gone and I forgive myself for the role I played in it all. I know it sounds silly, but I actually went to his grave and asked him to forgive me, talked to him about everything that happened, and it helped. I promised to live each day lifting up his memory instead of having it live in the darkness of shame.”

  “That sounds so easy.”

  I pushed his hair back, running my fingers through his strands. “It isn’t. It’s hard. Forgiveness isn’t a single declaration. Sometimes we have to say it over and over. I remember some church study thing when I was a kid. Mom dragged me to it, and I hated it at the time. I still don’t know how I feel about religion and all that, but I remember the teacher talking one time about how we should forgive each other seventy times seven times.”

  “That’s a lot.”

  “Yeah, it is. She said the number represented a boundless number of times, and I’ve thought about it over the past few years. I think it means that with some things, we have to forgive over and over again until we feel free from it. So, it’s a process.” I touched his hard chest, the muscles under it. “How often do you work out?”

  “Every day.”

  “So maybe your mind is like your muscle. It needs attention every day. You wouldn’t just stop hitting the gym suddenly and expect the muscle to stay the same, but we as a society expect our brains to just work properly without giving them the same attention. When I get my doctorate one day, one of my goals will be to help break the stigma surrounding mental health. I want it to be seen as seriously as a physical problem would be seen.”

  Jake smiled. “You’ll do it too. I’m already feeling…” he shook his head, frowning again, “better isn’t really the right word.”

  “Hopeful? Like you can accept the possibility of being better in the future?”

  He stroked my cheek. “Yeah. That.”

  He frowned as he seemed to notice my scarf for the first time. My heart started thudding harder as he unwrapped it, but I didn’t try to stop him. He needed to find forgiveness and acceptance with this too.

  Hissing, he touched the skin of my throat. “I’m so sorry, Skye.”

  I raised my chin. “I’m not.” His eyes snapped up to me, but I didn’t give him time to tell me I was crazy. Maybe I was. “If last night hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t be sitting together like this right now. We wouldn’t be talking about things that could release us from the past so we can move forward into a future. There is a lesson in everything, Jake. It’s our job to honor the lesson and use it to do better next time.”

  “There won’t be a next time.”

  “You’re right. There won’t be because next time I’ll know how to wake you differently or simply leave you alone if you’re in the middle of a horrible dream. We’ll both learn how to do this, make it work.”

  He looked me in the eye. “I’ll go to therapy.”

  I smiled. “I know you will. And maybe we’ll drive back home and visit Trey’s grave.”

  He was silent for a long time, but I watched him process the option. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen Uncle Paul. It might be a good visit.”

  “Yeah, it will. I haven’t been back home in months, so we could visit my parents too.”

  Jake’s eyes widened, and his head fell back. “Quick, hand me my gun.”

  I slapped his chest. “Not funny.”

  “Sorry, it wasn’t, but I’m sure your parents hate me for abandoning you like that.”

  “They actually didn’t know you were Jagger’s father until the tabloids spilled the beans.”

  His eyes clouded. “Why?”

  “Because I didn’t want to cause you any additional pain. And I promised to keep that night a secret, and I did for a long time. Except Cadence. She doesn’t count because I tell her everything.”

  He grinned. “Cadence is good people.”

  I grinned back. “Yes, she is. The best.”

  He lifted a hand, and I pressed my palm to his. We linked fingers, and I felt my world click into place.

  “Sorry in advance if my breath smells like a cat shit in my mouth, but I’ve got to kiss you right now. Is that okay?”

  I grinned and wrinkled my nose. “I think I can suffer through it.”

  He pulled me close until our lips pressed together. My phone rang, but I ignored it, ignored Jake’s breath as he cupped my ass in both hands. The ringing stopped, then started again, its shrill tone breaking into the intimacy of the moment. It stopped, but only for a second.

  “You need to get that?” Jake whispered against my mouth.

  I sighed and reached for my purse. It was Cadence.

  “Hey. I’m o—”

  “Do you have Jagger with you?”

  Panic hit, quick and fast. “No, isn’t he in his bedroom asleep?”

  Jake tensed, sitting up straighter.

  “No. I’ve checked everywhere. In
side. Outside.” Her voice was a misery of panic. “He’s not here. He’s gone.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  Jake

  Present Day…

  Gone?

  What did she mean he was gone?

  I was off the couch in a flash, setting Skye to her feet. Reaching for her phone, I pulled it away from her ear and tapped the speaker button so I could hear what Cadence was saying too.

  “I thought he must be really tired after the busy day you all had yesterday,” Cadence was saying, “so it didn’t worry me that he hadn’t come out of his room yet. I decided to check a few minutes ago. He wasn’t there. I searched everywhere. I’m outside now, circling the building.”

  “Pool,” Skye shouted into the phone.

  “That’s the first place I went. He wasn’t there.”

  Skye pressed her palm to her eye. “He was in his pajamas. He couldn’t have gone far.”

  “No. I found his pajamas on the floor. His red tennis shoes are gone. Skye, his backpack is gone too.”

  He ran away? Why?

  As Skye kept talking to Cadence, something clicked in my memory.

  When I was leaving, I’d heard the squeak of a door and someone called my name as I sprinted out of her apartment. At the time, I remember thinking it was Skye, but had it been? Had the voice said Jake… or Dad? Daddy? I couldn’t remember, the pain of leaving them had been roaring like a lion in my head. It was more like I heard the sound of a word instead of an actual one.

  If it was Jagger who called out to me, had he seen that I was upset? Had he thought I was leaving him again? Had he tried to follow me? Gotten lost? Hurt? Picked up by some stranger?

  “Call the police,” I said into the phone. “Report that he’s missing and that you think he might be somewhere between your place and my building.” I looked at Skye. “I think he might have come looking for me.”

  Her hand flew to her mouth.

  I rattled off my address to Cadence before adding, “Skye and I will head in your direction. You come my way. I walked to your place before and it took me about an hour. It would take Jagger longer, maybe a couple hours. I think I left around four this morning, I’m not completely sure.”

  Skye was already heading for the door. I followed her, punching the elevator button over and over.

  “Okay. I’m calling the police now and heading your way.” She cursed. “Damn paparazzi. Leave me the hell alone,” she screamed at someone.

  “No! Cadence, listen to me. Call the police and then tell all those people that Jagger is missing. Tell them that I’ll do an exclusive interview to whoever helps us find him. Let’s get as many people on Jagger’s trail as possible. Tell one to stay at the front door and one to go to the back in case he comes home. They need to call the police if they see him and don’t let him out of their sight.”

  “Okay. Got it!”

  She dropped the call just as the elevator opened and we dashed inside. Trevor, the operator, looked startled. “Do you need assistance, sir?”

  “Have you seen a little boy outside the building this morning? This tall…” I held my hand at hip level. “Brown hair and eyes.”

  “No sir, but I haven’t been at the windows. I certainly haven’t had anyone of that description request an elevator ride.”

  “Okay, if you do see him, call me. Stay with him. Don’t take your eyes off him for an instant.”

  Trevor gulped. “Yes, sir. I hope you find him, sir.”

  The door opened. “Me too. Thanks.”

  We burst into the lobby, and I questioned the doorman, giving him the same instructions as I did Trevor.

  “Do you really think he would try to come here?” Skye asked, her eyes wide with fear.

  “I think so. It’s the only thing that makes sense. You take this side of the street. I’ll hit the other. Look behind everything. In the alleys, behind trash cans.”

  She nodded, and I crossed the street. The moments passed in complete misery as we searched. We had to find him. We had to.

  A half hour later, I saw Cadence up ahead. On the other side of the street were a few of the paps.

  Cadence started crying when she saw me. “Nothing?”

  I shook my head. A horn blasted, and I jumped, adrenaline dumping a new load into my system. Skye was running across the street, a taxi narrowly missing her. The two women clung together and cried while the paps took pictures.

  “Why did your son run away?”

  “Is he your son, Jake? Can you confirm?”

  I whirled on them. “Listen to me. I’ll answer your questions once I find that little boy, do you hear me? You can help or you can take pictures, but get out of my way.”

  “Wait!”

  I jerked my head around at Skye’s voice. Her hand was on her mouth, her fingers twisting her bottom lip. “What?”

  “That day when we visited the Central Park Zoo, you told Jagg that if we ever got separated to go to—”

  “The Alice in Wonderland statue,” I finished and took off at a sprint.

  Weaving around pedestrians, I ran, footsteps echoing right behind me. Cutting into Central Park, I stopped to get my bearing. Skye raced past me. “This way,” she yelled, and I took off after her, catching her easily because of her sandals.

  Side by side, we ran, and when I saw Alice and her friends in the distance, I looked around. There were joggers. Moms pushing strollers. Hurried looking people in business suits talking on their phones.

  But no little brown-haired boy.

  Still, I ran, even as a multitude of horrors ran through me.

  “Jagg!” I yelled as we got closer. Skye began yelling his name too.

  Then a miracle happened.

  From behind the white rabbit, a little figure appeared.

  Hope instead of fear shot a new dose of adrenaline through me.

  “There!”

  Skye sobbed and headed his way. I let her reach him first. Let her pull him into her arms. Let her kiss him all over his face. Then I sank to my knees and put my arms around them both, clinging to my lifelines of hope.

  Jagger was dirty and shaking as he cried. I went to deal with the police as Skye comforted him, softly scolding him to never ever do that again.

  The paps snapped pictures, and I promised to invite them each to a small press conference if they’d just leave us the hell alone for the rest of the day. I took their cards and they slunk away, but only as far as the trees, I noted. It was okay. It was enough for now.

  I went back to my family.

  Jagger had stopped crying and wrapped his arms around my neck as I lifted him into my arms.

  “Did you come looking for me?” I asked. He nodded, and I squeezed him close and sank to the ground until he was sitting on my lap. “Promise you’ll never do that again.”

  “I promise. I thought you were leaving me again, and I just wanted to tell you that I’d never be mean again if you wouldn’t leave.” He started to cry again. “I’d be good for always and always.”

  My heart broke and swelled at the same time. I pulled back until I could see his face. “Jagger, I won’t leave you again. Last night…” How did I explain last night to a little boy? “Last night, I got very sad about something and went away so I could cry about it.”

  He sniffed. “You cry too?”

  I laughed. “You bet. Great big, ugly cries sometimes. But you know what I’m starting to learn?”

  He wiped his nose with his shoulder. “What?”

  “That sadness isn’t a bad thing. That it kinda indicates how important something or someone is to me.”

  He peered closely into my eyes. “Am I important to you?”

  My face burned, my throat threatening to clog. “Oh yes. You and your mom are the most important people in the whole world to me. And I want us to be a family.” I looked up at Skye, who was hovering a few feet away. Leaning close to Jagger’s ear, I whispered, “I want to marry your mom, with your permission of course, then you could be Jagger Daniel Crawfo
rd Truman. How does that sound to you? Can I marry your mom?”

  He poked his tongue out of the corner of his mouth. “Can I have a puppy?”

  I threw my head back and roared, then poked him in the stomach, making him giggle. “You’re quite the negotiator, aren’t you?”

  He beamed, all the holes in his mouth showing. “I’m a man who knows what he wants.”

  I stuck out my hand. “So, do we have a deal? I marry your mom and you get a puppy?”

  He seemed to consider it. “And a snake?”

  “Hmm… I think that might be pushing it, buddy.”

  He tapped his lips with his finger, just like his mother did. “I think a puppy is fair, if I get to name it.”

  I smiled and nodded. “Of course.” My hand was still sticking out, hovering in the air. “Deal?”

  He shook. “Deal?” Grinning, he looked up at Skye. “Daddy’s gonna marry you,” he yelled before I could stop him.

  “You’re not supposed to tell her, Jagg,” I said in a playful hiss.

  He laughed. “Oops. Sometimes I talk too much.”

  “Really? I’ve never noticed.”

  With a grimace, I looked up at Skye again, trying to gauge her reaction. Her arms were crossed over her chest, an eyebrow lifted in question.

  “Well, what do you think about that?”

  She didn’t blink. “I think that is quite possibly the worst proposal in the history of proposals.”

  I looked down at Jagger, who gave me a you’re on your own look. I focused back on Skye. “So maybe I’ll do better next time.”

  A smile played at her lips. “I should certainly hope so.”

  “A snake!” Jagg yelled on a loud whisper. “Tell him you’ll marry him if you get a snake!”

  ***

  A month later, I still hadn’t asked Skye to marry me again because, according to Jagger, the deal was still under negotiation. Actually, it had been a lot of fun watching Jagger think of new things to add to the deal. So far, he got a puppy, the damn snake, a battery-operated Corvette that he rode all through my apartment. I promised that he could come on our honeymoon to Hawaii — the island was his choice too. When I told him he’d be staying with Aunt Cadence in a separate villa so Mommy and Daddy could have some Mommy and Daddy time, he’d reluctantly agreed with a roll of his eyes. “You’re going to kiss her again, aren’t ya?” he asked, his tongue sticking through his missing teeth.