The Lighthouse

by Melanie Wilber

  He stepped back enough to give me a sweet kiss and asked if I was ready to go. I laughed. “As ready as a girl can be for a mystery date. Do I need to bring anything?”

  He looked me over from head to toe. “A jacket would be good, but otherwise you should be fine.”

  I stepped to my desk to get my small knapsack I used as a purse whenever I didn’t have my backpack with me, and I grabbed my coat and my camera. I didn’t put my coat on now because I was already wearing a thin sweater with a lightweight shirt underneath.

  Once we were walking down the hall, he took my hand, and it felt like the dozens of other times he had done so, but it wasn’t getting old for me. He held me close to him in the elevator, as we were the only ones on board for the entire ride down to the lobby, and when we got to the car, he gave me another sweet kiss before opening the door. This one was a little longer than the one he had given me upstairs, and I had a feeling this was going to be a romantic and loving day.

  “You’re in a good mood,” I said, lacking the words to describe his current state.

  “Of course I am. I’m always in a good mood when I’m with you.”

  I knew the same was true for me. It was impossible for me to be around Jonathan and not be happy. He made everything feel easy and right; and he saw me. I wasn’t sure why, but he did, and I realized I’d been feeling invisible all my life. My daddy had seen me and always made me feel special and loved, and my mama had done the same, but otherwise I felt like no one saw me--the real me deep inside--until now.

  It didn’t take me too long to see he was indeed taking me to the beach. The highway leading out of town was just beyond the campus. There were a couple of other possibilities with us going this way, but when I asked him if we were, he said yes, and I didn’t hide my excitement. I had been longing for the ocean, but it had been rainy the last two Saturdays despite us having generally good weather the rest of the time.

  “I’m sorry it’s taken us this long,” he said. “I know you miss it.”

  “I do. But I’m not just excited about going, I’m happy I’m going with you.”

  When we arrived, it was a beautiful day in Newport with blue skies all the way down to the horizon where it met the blue-gray water. Jonathan asked me if I was ready for lunch, but it was still early, so I said I’d rather take a walk on the beach, and he didn’t argue, driving to a place he knew had a beach access path.

  I put my jacket on once I felt the cool wind coming off the water, but it wasn’t too blustery, and even if this wasn’t “my beach” that I had been longing for, it would do. I had imagined driving to the coast at some point this term, but I hadn’t imagined I would be going with someone.

  We took a long walk, and I felt my spirit taking it all in with every step down the hard-packed sandy shore: The sound of the water and seagulls flying overhead; The feel of the wind and the smell of the marine air; The beauty and vastness of the coastline; And the unique feeling Jonathan’s presence brought to something I was so familiar with but hadn’t experienced this way before.

  We talked off and on, as we had done on the way here, but I realized we had been quiet for a particularly long spell when Jonathan stopped our slow stride and asked me a simple question.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  I looked up at him and told him the truth. “Everything. You, me, my family, school--everything that is a part of my life right now.”

  “Are they good thoughts?”

  “Yes. Some questions, but mostly just thoughts.”

  “What questions?”

  I said the most prominent one. “Why you’re here with me. How did this happen?”

  He laughed and pulled me into one of those hugs I loved so much. Into the security and warmth of his arms I never wanted to leave once I was there.

  “I’m falling in love with you, Jennifer. And you’re letting me.”

  He had never said those exact words before, but I wasn’t surprised by them, nor was I surprised with his long and intimate kiss that followed. I knew I was falling in love with him too, and there was more than physical attraction and pleasure going on between us. It had always been more than that. Something intangible and heart-based. Something much different than anything I had ever imagined.

  When we turned around and began walking back, the lighthouse on the long cape in the distance was a prominent feature, and I took some pictures and then asked Jonathan something.

  “Why do they call it The Lighthouse?”

  He sounded confused when he answered. “Because it’s a house with a light in it?”

  “No,” I laughed. “Not that lighthouse. The Lighthouse. Back in Corvallis.”

  “Oh,” he said, catching on then. “You’re talking about the church.”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, I wasn’t the one who named it, so I can’t say for sure, but I assume it’s because God says He is light, and the church is meant to be a place where that light is housed, so to speak, and shines out to all who need it. His truth, His love, His goodness, His teachings. Would you say that’s true?”

  “Yes.”

  “God is light, not darkness. And when we trust Him and follow Him, it’s like a lighthouse that guides us home and saves us from disaster.”

  Being guided: that’s what I felt happening to me. I wasn’t sure where I was headed, but I didn’t feel alone. I felt safe and at peace: two things I hadn’t realized I was missing until I had found them. And Jonathan was a part of it, but he wasn’t the primary source.

  “You want to know a secret?” I said.

  “Sure.”

  “I never knew that God loved me until I started going there. I didn’t think of God like that. I believed He existed, but it wasn’t personal. I didn’t think He knew who I was.”

  Jonathan gave my waist a little squeeze. “He knows who you are, Jennifer. And you are very, very precious to Him. Just as you are to me.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Jonathan and I got back late, and it had been a perfect day. From our morning stroll on the beach, to having lunch on the pier, to our afternoon of browsing some shops, going for a walk to the bridge and back, and visiting the lighthouse, I didn’t think I’d had a better day in my whole life. And if that wasn’t enough, Jonathan took me to a nice seafood restaurant for dinner followed by some more time on the beach to watch the sunset where we built a fire and snuggled together until long after dark, just talking and kissing and keeping each other warm.

  I was amazed by Jonathan’s tender care of me. He was gentle and passionate in everything he did, but he didn’t seem in any hurry to push things sexually, which had been my experience with the only other relationship I’d had. One of the guys I knew from high school had asked me to the prom, and we had gone out a few times before that to get to know each other better. Jayson hadn’t kissed me until Prom night, first in the car when we arrived at the dance, a couple of times on the dance floor, and then afterwards when we went to an after-prom party one of his friends was having.

  The large house on the bluff had an indoor swimming pool and a hot tub, so we’d brought our suits. Jayson had gotten a little more aggressive with me in the hot tub, and when we went upstairs to change afterwards and were planning to watch a movie with some of the others, he followed me into the bathroom and really tried to take things to a level I wasn’t ready to go to with him. I’d practically had to kick him out to get him to stop.

  The rest of the night was spoiled for me, and I hadn’t gone out with him again after that. Maybe some of the girls I knew were ready and wanted to give their boyfriends everything they wanted, but I wasn’t, especially to Jayson whom I barely knew.

  I felt like maybe I would be ready for it with Jonathan at this point, but I didn’t know for sure, and I was glad he wasn’t forcing me to make that choice yet or even suggesting it. I enjoyed the physical side of things, but I needed other things too, and Jonathan was giving them to me--usually in ways I didn’t know I needed until they were the
re.

  When we returned to my dorm, he gave me a loving hug at the door and said good-night. I called Jodi from the lounge on our floor when I went to use the bathroom. Marissa was still awake, but she was reading in bed, and I didn’t know how long of a conversation with Jodi this would be. She had called me this evening while Jonathan and I were having dinner, and she needed to talk, so I had told her I would call her back.

  I hadn’t told Jodi all of what was going on with me and Jonathan. She knew we were dating, but she didn’t know how much time I was spending with him or any of the details. I talked to her mostly online, and she didn’t ask about him much. She liked to talk about herself and her life far more than mine, and it was just as well because I didn’t know how to express everything that was going on in my heart.

  She was still up, as I suspected she would be. Jodi stayed out late on a regular basis and rarely went to bed before midnight even when she was home. I told her briefly about my day, since she wondered why I hadn’t called until now, and she sounded somewhat happy we’d had a nice time, but she had something to tell me, and that was the primary thing on her mind.

  “I’m moving out,” she stated bluntly.

  “What? Why?”

  “Because I’ve had enough! My parents won’t let me live my own life. They keep saying that as long as I live here, I have to do what they say, so I’m moving out.”

  “Where?”

  “I’m going to be staying with Tess for a few weeks until I can find a place, something in Coos Bay.”

  “You’re moving to Coos Bay?”

  “Sure, why not? I’m going to school there. I might as well instead of driving back and forth every day. Me and Tess might get something together.”

  I wanted to ask how they were going to afford it, but I decided to just be a supportive friend. I knew Jodi didn’t have it easy at home, and she was almost nineteen, so continuing to live under her parents’ strict rules and criticism wasn’t something she could endure forever.

  “Well, that’s big news,” I said. “I hope it works out.”

  “Yeah, me too,” she replied, her voice softening then. “I just can’t do it anymore.”

  “I’m surprised you put up with it this long. You almost moved in with me about five times.”

  “And if you were here, I would be,” she said. “But Tess has room for me, so I’m going there.”

  “Sorry I abandoned you.”

  “No, you’re not,” she laughed. “Not with that sweet boyfriend you found there.”

  “I’m glad I’m here, but I wish you could have come with me.”

  “Yeah, me too. But that’s life, and I’m trying to make the best of mine.”

  I thought about her words later while I was brushing my teeth. I wanted to make the best of my life too, but currently I knew life was making it the best for me. Things were happening to me I couldn’t explain and certainly couldn’t take credit for. And although Jonathan was a big part of the goodness, I didn’t see him as the source, just a part of it with me.

  The days following were typical. Church on Sunday morning, followed by an afternoon of studying with Jonathan. Classes on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and going to The Lighthouse that evening. I enjoyed it like always, but on the way back to the campus something strange happened.

  Jonathan was driving, I was sitting beside him, Marissa and Adam were in the back. The conversation and banter was of a familiar nature, and I was half-listening while being in my own world at the same time. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular, which was unusual for me on the way back from church. Something that had been said and I was trying to process was often whirling around in my head, but tonight I hadn’t heard anything that stood out to me--more of a reinforcement of all the things I was beginning to strongly believe.

  I did think about Jodi, wondering if I could somehow share some of this stuff with her and bring some direction to her life, but I also thought of home and my family and my dad. Not new thoughts, just the familiar ones, but suddenly my mind was invaded by a sobering and fearful possibility.

  You lost your dad, and it shattered your world. Soon you will lose Jonathan too.

  I drew in a deep breath and felt paralyzed by the words that seemed as if they had been whispered to my mind. Was it God? Was He trying to tell me something? Had He brought Jonathan into my life, only to take him away?

  I glanced at Jonathan. He smiled at me and reached for my hand, seeming oblivious to my thoughts, as I knew he was. It hadn’t been an audible voice, but it had felt real just the same. I held my breath on the remainder of the drive, waiting for a car to come out of nowhere and hit on Jonathan’s side or something else that would cause a major accident and take Jonathan away this very night.

  When he stopped at our building and let us out, I didn’t want to say good-night to him. The possibility of never seeing him again felt very real, but I didn’t have any reason to ask him to stay, and he needed to drive Adam back anyway.

  I went upstairs with Marissa, and the fear slowly left me. I had some reading to do, so I did and then got ready for bed after that, but I stayed up for awhile to check my messages and chat with some of my friends. Jonathan often texted me to say good-night before he went to sleep, but he didn’t tonight, and I went to bed with the thought of losing him on my mind. It wasn’t the intense fear I had felt earlier, but the reality of the possibility remained.

  In the morning, I didn’t remember anything about it until I was walking to my first class, and even then the thought wasn’t intense. More in the realm of never knowing what tomorrow will bring, and I mostly forgot about the whole thing by dinner that evening. It was our night to go to Jonathan’s dorm for dinner, and we made the walk across campus at the usual time. Marissa was talking about something significant that had stood out to her during the discussion time with her group last night and how she’d had a chance to put it into practice today. My mind wandered to the drive home once again, and I was glad to see Jonathan alive and well when we arrived at the cafeteria, but during dinner that voice of fear seemed to return, this time with a different twist.

  Taylor was there as usual. I only saw her when we came to eat here and sometimes on Wednesday nights or Sunday mornings at The Lighthouse, but usually just in passing. Here our interaction was more up close and personal, and she had become one of my least favorite people I saw on a semi-regular basis for a couple of reasons.

  One was because of her bluntness and lack of sensitivity for the feelings of others that Jonathan had warned me about. She never said anything negative that was directed toward me, but I had heard her doing so with others.

  And her behavior affected me directly in another way--in her actions and common banter with Jonathan. She called herself “Jonny’s surrogate sister”, but her behavior toward Jonathan was something I would classify as flirtatious. If she didn’t have a desire to be his girlfriend, I couldn’t tell that by how she acted around him. Most of the time I ignored it, but tonight that was more difficult.

  Jodi had said something to me on Saturday night just before she let me go. Once she’d had her own issues out of the way, she asked me more about my day with Jonathan and how our relationship was going. I had been a little more forthcoming, saying how much I was falling for him. Jodi’s response had been a cautious one.

  “That’s great, but be careful, Jen. Guys can be very good at faking sincerity until, you know--they get bored or whatever.”

  I knew Jodi was speaking from experience on that, and I knew she had been burned more than once, even if she had never given me the full scoop on her more serious breakups. On the heels of such a great day with Jonathan, I hadn’t been able to believe any such thing about him, but sitting here now, I knew there might come a day when I couldn’t please him and be everything he wanted me to be. I wasn’t sure how I was hanging on to him now, so how could I possibly keep it up for an indefinite amount of time? How much longer was it going to be before he simply realized I wasn’t th
e girl he wanted?

  Losing your dad wasn’t your fault, but losing Jonathan will be. You won’t lose him to tragedy, just to someone else. Someone you can never be.

  Chapter Thirteen

  When we were finished eating dinner, Jonathan asked how much studying I needed to do tonight, and I told him I didn’t have much. “Just some reading. How about you?”

  “Nothing urgent,” he replied. “How about if we do a whole lot of nothing together?”

  I smiled. He had used that phrase on Saturday night when he’d suggested making a fire and snuggling on the beach, and I knew he was suggesting more of that kind of time with each other along with our limited studying.

  “Does that smile mean yes?” he asked.

  My mind was screaming, Just break up with him now and get it over with--before he can break your heart into a million pieces! But my inner soul that had come alive and had fond memories of Saturday and all of our times together responded differently.

  “I’d like that.”

  He went upstairs to get the one book he needed and then returned to walk me and Marissa back to our dorm. Marissa said she had a lot on her plate, so she was going to hunker down in the room. We left her and went to the library where we found a secluded corner to sit together on a cozy sofa, and Jonathan made no apologies about his need for some intimate kisses before we did anything else.

  I wanted to enjoy them like I had on Saturday, but my mind was getting in the way. I felt so out of my league with Jonathan in what I had to offer him--not just physically, but in everything.

  When he stopped and smiled at me, I tried to return one, but I wasn’t great at faking smiles. He asked me if I was all right, and I didn’t know what to say.

  “Got something on your mind?” he asked. “Something you want to talk about?”