Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

“Yes, please.”

  Andre said, “You heard the man. Move!” He then turned to me and said, in a quieter voice, “Nicely done, Sir.”

  “Thank you, Andre. That means a lot, coming from you.”

  Ruth must have used a weak setting on the big stunner, because we began to hear shouting and cursing from up the hill. Soon it began to sound like battle. One of the Marines spoke up. “Sorry, Sir. You know how bad we are at finding edged weapons.”

  “Yes, I know. Pity, that.”

  Grandma came up to me and said, “Those two robots just arranged for those men to kill each other. Doesn’t that bother you?”

  “If they hadn’t done what they did, those men would have come to kill us. How would that have been a better outcome?”

  “Your pilot would have stunned them again, and they would have gone home, alive.”

  “And we would be stuck here, defending your camp, for the foreseeable future. This way, at least, the problem will trim itself down to something you can handle.”

  “So, you’re just going to fly away, and leave us to clean up your mess?”

  “You don’t think you’re in a better position to deal with the folks from up the hill, than before we came?”

  Nikki spoke up. “Leave it, Caveman. She’s just trying to get more out of you, by making you feel guilty.”

  Just then, the sound of muzzleloader fire stopped, and I heard blasters going off. One of the Marines called, “Sergeant Andre, we need cover fire.” Jane jumped up with her gun and ran toward the action, as did Andre and the rest of the Marines. Phonelia came along behind, carrying Jane’s extra belts. By the time she got there, Jane needed a reload. I shouted, “Scotti, we need air cover.” Almost before it was out of my mouth, fighters were making attack runs on whatever the Marines had stirred up. I said, “Ace is gonna be pissed. He’s gonna be hauling meat again.” Fire tapered off, and Andre said, “There was more than one thunder bear sleeping down there. Good thing they didn’t have time to set up one of those stampedes like they used over at the other place.”

  I replied, “Ain’t that the truth. With no wall, we would have been in a bad way.” Grandma said, “Would have been? We are. All that fresh meat is going to attract the rippers.” I commed Ace. “Yes, Boss, I’m already headed back to get the other ship. We have two. Can I find a crew and put the other one in service?”

  “Please do. Thanks for the help. We stirred up more fun than we meant to.”

  “No problem, Boss. We’ll get that meat away from the camp as soon as we can, and the other fighters will keep the rippers off you till we get it moved.”

  “That’s all I could ask for. Do you need anything from us?”

  “A couple of Andre’s boys to hook us up would be nice.”

  “We’ve got just the fellas. I’ll send them down.”

  “Thanks, Boss.”

  “Call me if you need anything else.”

  “Will do. Talk to you later.”

  “Later, Ace.”

  I turned to Grandma. “Your ripper problem is already being worked on. If I know my crew, they’ll have the field cleared by lunch.”

  “Just like that? One comm call and it’s dealt with?”

  “No, Ace was already on it. I just called to find out his plan.”

  “You make it sound like it’s no big deal.”

  “They’ve already cleaned up after a bigger fight than this. Bots learn fast.”

  Scotti walked up to me. “Boss, now that we have air cover, could you spare Mrs. Branham for a few minutes?”

  “I think so.” I called, “Jane, do you have time to help Scotti with something?”

  “Might as well. It would take a fifty cal to get these things’ attention. I was using half a belt on each one.”

  “Stow your toy, then, and come see what Scotti needs.”

  “On it, Bob.”

  I turned to the two Marines who had started the party. “So, was that what you expected, when you shot one of them in the butt by ‘mistake’?”

  “Sir, no, Sir. We only saw the one, thought it would be fun target practice.”

  “Did you empty all the weapons?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “Store them in the ship and then head down to the field. You get to help Ace hook up the carcasses so he can haul them out of here.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  I heard a familiar growl, followed by a pained yip behind me. I turned, drawing as I spun. All the Marines reacted as well, but Nikki and I were first on target. Whatever the locals called the thing that had gotten Snitz, it had several holes and some blaster burns before it hit the ground. I sprinted over and grabbed up Snitz. “How did you sneak on the ship, Orneriness?” I said as I ran him to the autodoc. By the time I got there, Jane was right behind me. She set the machine to fix him up. I heard her mumble, “Dang thing had venom, too.” Once she finished, I asked, “Will he be okay?”

  “I think you got him in quick enough, Bob. We’ll know more in a few hours.”

  “I should have paid more attention. I didn’t notice him get aboard.”

  She squared up and said in her Marine voice, “None of that, Sir! You are not responsible for the whims of a sneaky little pup.”

  “Thanks, Jane. You better see what Scotti wanted.”

  Nikki was there, and I hugged her. She asked, “Will he be alright?”

  “Jane thinks so, but she can’t be sure yet. I’m sorry, he must have followed me aboard.”

  “I don’t blame you. He’s a sneaky pup, you know that. Gets it from his Daddy.”

  “Thanks, but I still feel bad.”

  “You can’t catch everything, Caveman. Jane thinks you got him in the ‘doc quick enough. He’ll be fine in a day or two.”

  We went back outside. Grandma asked, “What was all that about?”

  I replied, “Apparently my dog isn’t as much of a badass as he thinks he is. He snuck aboard, and when he went exploring, he found something meaner than he was.”

  “Aren’t you going to stay with him, while he dies?”

  I said, “He’s in the autodoc. Chances are he’ll be fine.”

  “Those things have poison on their claws. He’s dead.”

  “The autodoc can fix poison. It’s done it before on my planet, even with a Galactic assassin's poison. Jane said we got him in quick enough, I’ll believe her before you, any day.”

  Grandma said, “Believe what you want to believe, then. What’s a dog, anyhow?”

  “Domesticated wolf. Good watch animal.”

  Jane came running out of their cave. “Captain, we need to evac these folks right away. One autodoc isn’t going to be enough to fix their issues. I’ve missing limbs, infected wounds, and I don’t know what all else in there. From the looks of things, the old lady here is the only one in decent shape.”

  “Have Scotti load up the power core and autodoc. We’re not leaving them here for those idiots up the hill to steal. Do we have anything we can use for litters to load these folks up with?”

  “I’ve got a few. What can we do for bearers?”

  “Andre! Get those weapons aboard and secured, then help Mrs. Branham get her patients aboard. We’re pulling out.”

  “Aye, Sir!”

  Grandma said, “Now wait a minute, you can’t...”

  She wilted. I must have been getting slow. Nikki got her stunner out first. I said, “Gee, it got so quiet. It’s kind of relaxing.”

  Nikki said, “You’re welcome, Caveman.”

  Andre asked, “Are we still going to haul off that meat?”

  “We better. They may want to come back when they are healed up.”

  “Okay, Boss.”

  Ace must have decided to get the job done quicker. Along with the two recovery ships, he had brought several freighters, each with its own crew of bots to do the loading. One bear to a ship, and one ship extra for cleanup of the small pieces. Once they got the bears aboard, the loading crews all stayed to help with cleanup. I asked Nikki, �
��How are they going to unload?”

  “I’m guessing stand it on its tail and turn off the gravity. It’s what I’d do, with a messy load.”

  “Something I’ve wondered about for a while now. All the small ships are saucers, but anything bigger looks more conventional. Why two different designs?”

  “Saucers are easier to maneuver in atmosphere. That’s why the small craft are designed that way. The larger stuff generally only goes to places that are civilized, so maneuverability isn’t as much of an issue. If we ever go to the main planets of the Commonwealth, you’ll see smaller craft that aren’t saucer shaped. It’s just a frontier thing.”

  “That makes sense. I could have figured it out, if I wasn’t a doofus.”

  “You’re not a doofus, Caveman. You’ve come up to speed on an awful lot of Galactic tech and culture in a short time. Cut yourself some slack.”

  “When did you start carrying that Ruger?”

  “I don’t know, a while back. I had John get me one.”

  “How did you decide on that?”

  “I know a fellow whose judgment I trust, and he thinks it’s good enough. That’s enough for me.”

  “Didn’t know John liked Rugers.”

  “Never thought I’d be grateful to see you act like an asshole. It’s good to see you loosen up.”

  Andre’s two Marines came running back from cleanup detail. “All squared away, Sir. Ace says you sure know how to make a mess.”

  “Get cleaned up, and help load the patients. We’re pulling out.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  They found a power washer and washed each other off. Once they had the washer stowed back aboard ship, they joined in the trail of bots carrying patients to the ship. There were a few walking wounded, most of them with damage to one or both arms. I couldn’t figure out how the little old lady had been feeding the whole crew of them. Millus came up to me. I said, “I’m sorry we had to stun your Grandma. She was being very hard to get along with.”

  “Yes, she was. She didn’t used to be like that. She’s changed.”

  “Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure it all out.”

  “I just wanted to thank you for helping all these people. I know most of them. They are good folks. Do you think they’ll be able to get better?”

  I said, “With Jane and her husband looking after them, I’d be surprised if they didn’t.”

  “Where will we all go, when they’re better?”

  “That, young lady, is a problem for another day. Today, we just need to get these folks in autodocs, and get them healing. When they wake up, you can all decide what you want to do next.”

  “Can I still go see my friend?”

  I answered, “Of course. Their village is having a celebration tonight. Does that sound like a good time?”

  “Yes, it does. What are they celebrating?”

  “The new wall we put up for them, I think.”

  Millus said, “You help a lot of people, don’t you, Captain?”

  Nikki said, “Yes, he does, but he won’t admit it. He’s shy that way.”

  Scotti came up and said, “Captain, the core and the autodoc are back aboard. We’ve split the patients between the two ships and alerted Mr. Branham to expect patients. Is there anything else you would like us to accomplish before we lift?”

  “I can’t think of a thing, Scotti. Well done. Let’s get airborne.” We loaded up, and headed back to the Gene. When the ramp came down, John was standing there with a fleet of gurneys, and enough bots to push them. Andre and his bots helped them all get loaded up. Each gurney was getting a transit car as soon as the bot pushed the button. John saw me looking and said, “Scotti showed me how to set up a priority override, so I could move these patients to medbay in a hurry.”

  “Someday, I’m going to hear about something cool before it happens. I just know it.”

  Nikki said, “Poor Captain Caveman, his crew is so efficient he doesn’t even know what’s happening.”

  A bot came aboard with a special grav pallet, carrying an autodoc. It had a built-in power supply. A couple of the Marines followed him to the onboard autodoc. Shortly, he came back, carrying the ’doc with Snitz in it. He went and got in line with the gurneys. John asked, “You took him with you?”

  I replied, “Not on purpose. Little booger snuck aboard when I was distracted. He discovered the local animals aren’t so friendly.”

  “What got him?”

  “Looked something like a bobcat, but it had some kind of venom. The old lady we were talking to didn’t seem to think anything could live through a scratch from the thing.”

  John asked, “Did you bring it in for a necropsy?”

  “Fourteen rounds of 380, and a half a dozen blaster bolts, doesn’t leave much for an exam.”

  “Blaster bolts? So the Marines have joined the Snitz fan club?”

  I said, “So it would seem.”

  John said, “I better get to medbay and get these people sorted out.”

  Nikki said, “That might be easier if you give the old lady a nighty-night.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. See you tomorrow.”

  I said, “See you then.”

  I looked at Nikki and said, “If medical has the transit tied up, I guess we have a nice, long stroll ahead of us.”

  “Why, Captain, you sound as if you intend to attempt canoodling on this stroll of which you speak.”

  “No, Ma’am. I do not intend to attempt it. I intend to get it done.” Canoodling was just getting started good, when one of Scotti’s crew drove up beside us in an electric cart. “Need a ride, Captain? Ma’am?”

  I replied, “Sounds good. Do you know the way to our cabin?”

  “Of course, Sir.”

  After we got seated, I said, “Drive on.”

  We got to our cabin, and after a while, we got to sleep. I woke up to someone shaking my shoulder. I said, “No, Mom, it snowed. They called school off. I saw it on the news.”

  Sally said, “Captain, we are on a starship. Snow does not bother us. Please wake up. There are things we need to discuss before you return to the planet.”

  I replied, “Why didn’t Snitz get me up? Oh crap, he got hurt! Is Snitz okay?”

  “Snitz is fine. He’ll be out of the autodoc tomorrow. Wake up, please.”

  Nikki elbowed me. “Get up, Caveman. She’s more annoying than Snitz.”

  I rolled out of bed and said, “Give me twenty minutes, and I’ll meet you in my ready room.”

  She replied, “I’ll see if I can find some coffee and doughnuts.”

  “Thanks. Now scoot.”

  I did my three S’s, found a clean uniform, and headed out.

  When I got to the ready room, John and Dingus were there. I figured I was in the doghouse, but I wasn’t sure what about. Dingus spoke up. “Have a seat, Bob. We need to know your plans for this planet.”

  I sat down. Sally brought me a cup of coffee and a donut on a saucer. I said, “I haven’t really developed anything in the way of a long-term plan, fellas. I want to get the folks we came here to see on their feet and able to defend themselves. That other bunch, I don’t have a clue how to straighten out. Millus’ Grandma is the only one I’ve gotten to talk, and she’s almost as cooperative as a wet cat. I like the planet, wouldn’t mind building ourselves a fallback here, if we can find a nice place in the mountains, above the rippers. Those venomous bobcats worry me, though.”

  John said, “That all sounds reasonable. How much gear do you plan to leave here?”

  “It seems to me we owe them all of the cargo, but if I can swing it, I’d like to trade them a few fighters for more of the bots. I don’t know what their colony can produce, but I think it would be a good thing to send a ship through here for trade, at least a couple times a year. That way we can keep track of them, make sure they are still prospering.”

  Dingus asked, “What about that bunch of ladies you rescued last night?”

  “Not a clue, Dingus. Seems to m
e, if we put them back where we found them, eventually the men will take over again, and they’ll be right back where they started. If we find them a different mountain to live on, eventually their colony will die out, since they’re all female. I have to think they would have a hard time adapting to Galactic civilization, and taking them to Earth is just begging to get us attention from the authorities. Either of you have anything?”

  Dingus said, “I know of a place, a lot like what you would call a nunnery, where they would be welcome, if they were willing. It would mean flying into Galactic territory, so we couldn’t take any bots, but it would just be the one trip.”

  I asked, “Could you haul them all in one freighter? I don’t want to take the Gene into Galactic space if we can help it at all.”

  Sally spoke up. “Scotti found a personnel transport. She has a crew refurbing it as we speak.”

  “Who would be flying them, then?”

  Dingus replied, “I intended to speak to Phonelia, if we decided to go ahead with it.”

  “I don’t think we can decide, Dingus. Work up a presentation we can show to the ladies when they wake up. They will have to make their own decision on what to do next.”

  John asked, “What if they decide to stay?”

  “I’m willing to give them an autodoc, and a power core to run it, maybe build a defensive wall around their camp. We can check in on them when we come through here trading.”

  John replied, “I hope we can convince them to leave. Their existence at that camp looks pretty precarious.”

  “I agree, but we can’t just tell them what to do. All we can do is try to make sure they have a chance.”

  Dingus asked, “Do you still plan to give the Gene to the Starfoot, to protect their system?”

  “I hate to. Gene is a fine ship, but the Starfoot need her, and that’s the only way she and her crew will get to do what they were built for. If we keep her, she’s going to wind up back in a parking orbit most of the time, hiding from the Patrol. That’s no life for a ship and crew this grand.”

  Gene spoke over the intercom. “Thank you, Sir. I will miss you as well.”

  “Thanks, Gene. I do think we could make use of some of the smaller craft, they’re going to be in the way if the Starfoot are conducting patrols, but we’re going to have to find bunches of pilots to herd them around. Bots can do the work, as long as we don’t have to go into Galactic territory, but we’re going to need some humans, too.”