Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  I interrupted. “Stop right there, Frank. We need someone else in this discussion, and we need privacy. Gene, send Sally to this room as soon as she can get here, please.”

  Gene came over the intercom, “Right away, Boss.”

  I turned to Frank. “Please don’t tell me any more until Sally gets here.”

  He replied, “I thought Sally was a schoolteacher?”

  “Turns out she had some very interesting suppressed memories. She’s quite a bit more than a schoolteacher.”

  There was a knock at the door. I opened it. Sally stepped in. I said, “That was quick.”

  She replied, “Mr. Branham isn’t the only one who knows the priority code for the transit system. What’s up, Boss?”

  I said, “Gene, privacy please.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  Then I said, “Frank has some odd results he can’t explain, and they’re giving him fits. I wondered if they might have some commonality with that problem you’re working on.”

  Sally asked, “I need to be sure I understand what you’re saying, Boss. Are you implying the information transfer in this meeting should be one-way?”

  “If at all possible, yes.”

  Frank looked a little put out. “You mean you think my data will help with your problem, but I don’t even get to know what your problem is?”

  I replied, “You catch on quick, Frank. Don’t feel like the lone stranger, my wife doesn’t even know the details of what Sally is working on.”

  He settled down. “But you tell Mrs. Wilson everything.”

  “Normally, yes. This project has the potential to do great harm, and we’re trying to keep it as corralled as possible. Sorry, but neither of you has a need to know.”

  Julie spoke up. “I understand, Boss, but it’s hard to conceive of something that dangerous.”

  I thought about what I could say. “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to say anymore without giving you enough to figure it out. Frank, could you show Sally the plots of your anomalous sources?”

  Frank brought up a hologram of the galaxy. He said, “We’re here. All the anomalous sources are in this region.”

  Sally locked up for a few minutes. Frank asked, “Did I break her?”

  Julie said, “Quiet, Frank, she’s thinking.” Finally she came back. She said, “Yes, Boss, I see why you brought me into this meeting, and I believe you are correct. Could I have a copy of your data, Frank?”

  Frank said, “Certainly. I’m a little confused. Didn’t you come here to chew me out, Captain?”

  I said, “I came to see why you felt it necessary to send Scotti on a wild goose chase. I know that now, and I’m satisfied we won’t see any repeats. Besides, this other matter has earned you a few Brownie points. Spend them wisely.”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  “Go ahead and work on that detector. Any improvements you can come up with will be appreciated.”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  “I would also appreciate it if you two would refrain from mentioning this little meeting to anyone.”

  Julie said, “Of course, Captain.”

  Frank said, “What meeting? The Captain chewed me out for wasting Scotti’s time, and then he brought in Sally to show me exactly how much Scotti could have gotten done if I hadn’t been screwing around.”

  I said, “Nicely done, Frank. I think you’ll go far in this organization.”

  Sally and I left. She said, “Could I speak to you in the ready room, Captain?”

  “Certainly.” We took a transit, and arrived at my ready room. Milly’s Grandma was waiting to pounce when the door opened. “Captain Wilson! What do you mean taking all of us away from our home without even asking? I thought you were supposed to respect people’s rights, not kidnap them at the first excuse.”

  I said, “Madam, the planet you’ve been living on is naturally polluted with chemicals that cause aggression. It would seem they haven’t all worked their way out of your system yet. Going back to that planet is not an option. When I do have options for you, I’ll be sure and let you know. Is there anything else?”

  She said, “What do you mean, drafting my Granddaughter to work for your ship?”

  “I don’t believe there was any drafting involved. She was offered a chance to keep busy, and she took it. By all reports, she’s doing amazingly well. When last I saw her, she and her friend had been tasked with an important job for the functioning of the ship. I can’t see where it’s doing her any harm. She seemed happy and eager to get to work.”

  She sputtered, “You have an answer for everything, don’t you?”

  I said, “No, I don’t. That’s what my assistant and I were about to go discuss, before you ambushed us, finding an answer to a question that has been bothering us. If you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to that.”

  “Of course, I mind. Take me back to my planet right now. Me and those girls too.”

  I replied, “Not going to happen. I already told you, that planet isn’t a good place to live, because of the chemicals the animals give off. In case you hadn’t noticed, Ma’am, I am the Captain of a vessel underway in space. I can, and will, do to suit myself. The reason your annoying behind is still free to walk around, and not in the brig, is because Milly is a valuable member of the crew, and I do not wish to upset her. You are doing your dead level best to get me to change my mind on that point. Do I make myself clear?”

  The transit opened behind me. Will and Ian stepped out. Will said, “Ma’am, you’ve taken up enough of the Captain’s time. I need you to move along, now.”

  She started to wind up for another go-round. My patience ran out, and I stunned her. I looked at Will. “Do you suppose you could keep her out of trouble till morning?”

  “I think we could manage that, Sir.”

  “Thank you. Gene?”

  “Yes, Boss?”

  “Can you see to it that this lady no longer has access to the working parts of the ship, and is confined to the quarters deck?”

  “With pleasure, Sir.”

  “Can you connect me with Milly?”

  “Right away.”

  “Hello?”

  I said, “Milly, this is Captain Wilson. I have some bad news.”

  “How bad did you have to hurt my Grandma?”

  “I just stunned her. She’ll be fine in a few minutes. But I put her in the brig overnight, do you have someone you can stay with?”

  “I’m still staying with Zoom and Nunya. They’re easier to get along with than Grandma.”

  “Good deal. I just thought I should let you know what is going on.”

  “Thanks, Captain. I wish I was surprised, but Grandma is just hard to get along with since we found her. I hope she gets better. She used to be fun.”

  “Once things settle down, she’ll probably ease up.”

  “I hope so. I need to get back to work, Captain. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  Sally and I went into the ready room. I said, “Gene, privacy please.”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  Sally said, “I’m not sure, but I think those emissions of strange radiation he found are the traces their drives leave behind.”

  “You’re saying we could track down one of their ships and say hi?”

  “Yes, Boss, that is what I’m saying. I could be completely wrong, but all those traces he found are in the area my algorithm found.”

  “Sounds like the way to bet. I’m thinking we do up a nice stealthy little ship, and send it out to observe them for a while before we step right up and say hello.”

  Sally said, I’m sure Scotti can fix us up a ship. Who did you have in mind for crew?”

  I said, “Gene, can you page Taz to the ready room?”

  “On it, Boss.”

  Sally asked, “You’re sending Taz out by himself?”

  “Nope. I have another fellow in mind to go with him, but he’s not aboard right now. We’ll meet up with him at our next port of call.”

  Sally said, �
��Anybody I know?”

  “Remember Willum, that you rode to Earth with?”

  “The Secret Squirrel who doesn’t like girls? Yes, I remember him.”

  “Well, don’t. He’s dead, at least as far as the Galactics are concerned. I’m not sure what name he’s going under now, but supposedly, he’s hiding out on Charlie’s Planet.”

  “I noticed he and Fred were fairly friendly.”

  “Really? Oh well, not my business.”

  Taz saved me from learning more things I didn’t want to know. He came through the door and asked, “Yes, Boss?”

  I said, “Close the door and come on in. Gene, tile the lodge.”

  “Tile the lodge, aye, Captain.”

  I looked at Taz. “How would you feel about getting your old job back?”

  He thought a minute, and said, “You’re going to look for the aliens, and you want me to be on the crew?”

  Sally said, “How do you guys do that?”

  Taz said, “Aw shucks, Ma’am, ain’t nothing but plain ol’ logic.”

  I said, “I figured a small stealth ship, just watch them until we get an idea if we want to make contact or not. You mind working with a partner?”

  “You think you can get Willum to go on this wild goose chase?”

  Sally said, “Not quite so wild. Frank stumbled onto something that will give us an edge.”

  Taz said, “This doesn’t leave the room, correct?”

  I replied, “That’s the way it needs to be for now. You can brag to Topper and Ozzie when you get back.”

  “It sucks, but that’s the job.”

  “Thanks for understanding. You won’t be taking off till we get to Charlie’s Planet to pick up Willum. Scotti is going to need a few days to get you a ship ready, anyhow.”

  Taz said, “Got it. So, act as if nothing is out of the ordinary, until time to leave?”

  “Exactly. Hang on a minute, maybe we can see if your partner is good with this. Gene, do you have Fred’s number?”

  “Yes, Boss. I have all the numbers out of your comm. Sally gave them to me.”

  I asked, “Could you call him for us, please?”

  “On it, Boss.”

  “Hello, Bob. What can I do for you?”

  “Hi, Fred. How are things out your way?”

  “We’re doing well. Got the first load of cattle in yesterday. Should have another one today, according to Max. The way the young bucks are acting, you’d think cows were made out of garlic.”

  “I’m looking forward to seeing that. We should be out your way in a few more days. Bringing presents for Morning Flower. Did Steve and Bucky make it in okay?”

  Fred replied, “They did. Falling Rain is glad to be home. Knocks Hard is still getting used to not having to hide.”

  I said, “I’m looking for a fellow I heard might be out your way. Friend of yours, I think. Not entirely sure what name he might be using these days.”

  Fred said, “Hang on one, I’ll get him.”

  “Hey, Delicious!”

  “Hey, yourself. You bored yet?”

  “What are you offering?”

  I said, “Long trip, way out in the wild stars, with only Taz for company.”

  “Taz is pretty good company. I’m guessing you don’t want to talk about what we’d be looking for over the comm?”

  “You haven’t lost your edge. We’ll be there in three or four days. We can talk more then. Does it sound like something you’d be interested in?”

  “It does. I’m not good at staying in one place.”

  I said, “I’ve noticed that about you. See you soon.”

  “Later, Bob.”

  I said, “Well, we’ve got a crew. Sally, could you talk to Scotti about the kind of ship we need? I’m sure between the two of you, you can come up with a plan.”

  “On it, Boss. Do you need the privacy anymore?”

  “Nope, go ahead.”

  Taz said, “Thanks, Boss, for putting me back in the saddle. Ever since I got my memories back, it’s felt like unfinished business.”

  “Go finish it up, then. Thanks, Taz.”

  He left, and I sat there thinking for a minute. I was setting in motion a plan that might find real live aliens. All of a sudden, I missed Missouri, and my piddly little maintenance job. Sitting in the big chair carried a lot of responsibility. I hoped I was doing the right thing. Before I could get too lost in thought, there was a knock at the door. I said, “Come in.”, and Veronica entered, pushing a cart with a teaching machine on it. She said, “Good morning, Sir. Sally sent me. She said you needed to take some training.”

  “Sally knows best, I suppose. Light me up.” When I woke up, Nikki was there. She asked, “What are you learning, Caveman?”

  “Sally is trying to make a Captain out of me.” Veronica packed up the machine and headed out. I said, “Thanks, Veronica. See you later.”

  “Bye, Boss.”

  Nikki asked, “Veronica?”

  “It’s a song. She said to call her anything I liked.”

  “What kind of bot is she?”

  I replied, “Friendly. Really, I don’t know what her main job is. She must be a good pilot. She was flying Zoom around earlier. I met her when she was waitressing in the galley.”

  “How do you know about her piloting for Zoom?”

  I said, “I was talking to Zoom earlier and it came up. Seems Veronica had the ship when Zoom found out that the stunner they installed on the Gene was strong enough to overcome her resistance.”

  “Gene has a stunner, now?”

  “Yep. And a drive killer, too. They jacked the power way up, but the range is only about double.”

  “Why is that?”

  I replied, “Zoom said inverse cube law, if I remember right.”

  “You haven’t sicced Frank on figuring out a more directional antenna, so they can reach out and bite someone?”

  “Never even thought to ask when I was talking to him this morning. Some other things came up.”

  Nikki asked, “More Secret Squirrel stuff?”

  “Yeah, sorry.”

  “Why does Frank get to know when I don’t?”

  I said, “He doesn’t. Sally and I pumped him for information, but we didn’t tell him anything.”

  “You’re serious about keeping this tight, aren’t you?”

  “I’m doing the best I can. I just hope I don’t screw something up, and let it out when I shouldn’t.”

  “Why do you think the Guide knowing about it would be so bad?”

  “I’m not afraid of what you would do, or most likely the person you report to. But sooner or later, it would leak, and that might cause a panic. I want to avoid that.”

  Nikki said, “Gene, privacy please.”

  Gene replied, “Yes, Ma’am.”

  Nikki asked, “If I figure it out, that’s only speculation, and I don’t have to report that. Headquarters doesn’t know that Steve’s training will let me read your face like a book and know for sure, so I wouldn’t have to report that either. As long as you let me assume I’m right, without confirming it, I can keep it from the higher ups. If you were to say I had figured it out, that would force me to report. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

  “Yes. You’re going to tell me what you think is going on, and I mustn’t say whether you have the right answer or not. Will it be acceptable to speak in hypotheticals about it once you decide you know what is happening?”

  “I think so. If you start to veer into an area I can’t cover up, I’ll warn you.”

  I replied, “Good enough. I hope you can figure it out, because I need your advice on this one.”

  Nikki said, “Well, I’ve been going over it in my head, and the only thing I can come up with that would have you this wound up, and might cause a panic if it got out, is that you’ve got a lead on aliens of some kind.” She studied my face. “Okay, I’m on the right track so far. One of the bots had memories of them, I’m guessing.” She studied some more. “Sin
ce you were talking about his memories being ‘James frickin’ Bond’ stuff, I’m guessing it was Taz?” She looked, and said, “Three for three. That’s all I’ve deduced so far. Hypothetically, what would you do if you were faced with a situation like that?”

  I replied, “Well, if I ever was faced with a situation of that sort, I would get a bot I trusted to run an analysis of whatever data that we had, and try to narrow the area we needed to search. Of course, there would always be the possibility of some researcher in this crazy outfit just happening to be looking into an effect that might give us a better idea of where to look.”

  “Then what would you do with the information?”

  I said, “Well, if I were to find myself in possession of that kind of information, I think I would want to send a small team in a stealth ship, to see what these alien folks are like, before I just strolled in to say hello.”

  Nikki asked, “Who might you send on such a mission?”

  “Well, if I were faced with that situation, I would think the bot that gathered the original data should be on the team, for sure. I would probably want to send someone with him, someone who also had some intelligence gathering experience. Say, for example, a retired secret agent, if I happened to know one.”

  Nikki said, “Let me see if I understand. You’re saying that if you were faced with data appearing to show the whereabouts of an alien civilization, you would have Scotti build a spy ship, and send Taz and Willum to check it out?”

  I replied, “That sounds about like what I might do, if I were faced with those decisions. Of course, Willum is dead. I hear that Fred has a friend who might be able to help, though.”

  Nikki said, “Well, I for one am glad we cleared up the issue of what you might do, were you faced with evidence of an alien civilization. Your plan is careful, but you don’t seem to have as much paranoia about this as you do some things. I have to wonder why that is?”

  “Well, if the data we were discussing came from a bot’s memories that were suppressed thousands of years ago, the aliens in question would have had ample opportunity to start trouble, if they had such a desire. If they existed, and the Commonwealth was able to gather evidence of it, wouldn’t it be silly to think they wouldn’t have gotten the same sort of evidence about the Commonwealth, and elected not to act on it?”