Captain Caveman

by Jerry Boyd

  “Morning, Bob. I’m doing better. I was feeling pretty mean for a few days after we got back. Jane thought it would be better if I avoided you till that passed.”

  “Probably best. I haven’t been too chipper myself.”

  Phonelia said, “Do you have any idea what you might want me to do next?”

  I replied, “You’ve found most of the castaways?”

  “All my crew have left are low-probability sites. That was how we wound up here, chasing a glitch in the statistics.”

  “Sally has your boys working on modifying their methods to find lost colonies, but it will be a few days yet before that is ready. Dingus was trying to set up a mission for you into Commonwealth territory, but I haven’t heard how that came out. Outside of that, we’re headed back to Charlie’s Planet, you could take a few down days if you feel like it. I don’t think a lost colony is going to collapse if we are a few days late finding them.”

  Phonelia said, “I don’t know about that, Bob. If you hadn’t shown up here when you did, it would have been a very close scrape. They might have made it through, but it was nowhere near certain.”

  “I suppose you’re right about that, but I just don’t think we’re going to be riding in and saving the day on a regular basis.”

  She replied, “From what I’ve seen so far, that seems to be your normal operation. Ride in, square things away, ride on.”

  “I did myself just a fine job of squaring things away this time. How many folks died because I didn’t think to check the atmosphere before we landed? Sally’s trying to make a better Captain out of me. I hope it takes.”

  “That may be how it looked from where you were. From the ground it looked like you folks were angels, come to save us. That colony was fighting a losing battle, till you gave them a fighting chance.”

  “We did do that much. Thanks, I needed a reality check.”

  “No problem, Boss.”

  Veronica brought out our food. I asked, “Are you just following me around, now?”

  “Yes, Boss. Sally assigned me as your personal assistant.”

  “Okay, then. Can you tell me where the human crew members are this morning?”

  Veronica asked, “Major Cachi is crew now, is he not?”

  “Yes, he is.”

  “He and Zoom are bringing the ship he flew in on back up to factory specs. All the other humans assigned to Engineering are busy with a project Scotti says I don’t have a need to access. Mr. Branham and Greg are in medbay. Mrs. Branham and Mr. Sloan are interviewing one of Major Cachi’s crewmembers. Frank is, of course, in his lab. Mrs. Wilson hasn’t come out of your cabin yet.”

  I asked, “What about the bots in my personal crew?”

  “Sally is sitting bridge watch, where Ruth is at the helm. Julie is tending Frank. Taz is helping with that project in Engineering. Ozzie is going over the results of the power core test. Topper is doing the Marines’ art this morning. Anything else you would like to know?”

  “The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

  She thought for a few seconds and asked, “African or European?”

  I said, “Nicely done, Veronica. What does Sally have on my agenda today?”

  “I am to escort you to the simulator deck after you have finished here.”

  I replied, “Have Gene find Snitz and make sure he is there. He really likes riding with me.”

  She said, “Gene reports that Snitz is already there, waiting for you.”

  I turned to Phonelia. “Apparently, I’m keeping people waiting. As soon as I talk to Dingus today, I’ll let you know if we have a mission for you or not. Be thinking about what you might like to do if we don’t.”

  Phonelia said, “Thanks, I’ll talk to you later, then.”

  “Count on it.”

  Once we were safely in the transit, I asked Veronica, “Please don’t let me forget that I’m supposed to make those inquiries for Phonelia, and get back to her with what I find out.”

  “I’ve got it filed on the agenda, Boss.”

  “Thanks.”

  The new session of video games was a lot tougher than the day before. The two training sessions I had since then seemed to be helping quite a bit. I began to wonder how much longer it would be until the Kobyashu Maru.

  The sim ended before it should have, and Veronica pulled the door open. “Sir, you are wanted in your ready room.”

  I asked, “What is the situation?”

  “Mr. Sloan has called a meeting. Mr. and Mrs. Branham are in attendance, as is Mrs. Wilson. They request your presence as well.”

  I ran for the transit, not knowing what was going on. Snitz ran alongside. Veronica must have gotten us a priority, because we had no wait, and our ride was short. I walked in and said, “Tile the lodge, Gene.”

  “Lodge is tiled, Sir.”

  I addressed the room. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your company?”

  Dingus said, “We have an issue with one of Major Cachi’s crew.”

  “Which one?”

  “The younger female he thought might be recruitable.”

  I asked, “What issue do you have?”

  “She would like to go back to Earth, but she wants nothing else to do with the organization that sent her out here. She refuses to go back on the ship with the other two, says she fears what the other female may do.”

  I said, “I’m not sure I understand. It sounds like she’s asking us to provide her with a new identity and a ride home in exchange for the privilege of rescuing her tender hienie?”

  Jane said, “That’s the way I read it, too. She doesn’t seem willing to give us much of anything in return.”

  I asked, “Does she have some justification for having such a high opinion of herself?”

  Dingus said, “If so, we’ve yet to find it.”

  I looked at John. “Didn’t you tell me a story about a prisoner running a scam like this, just to get in the same room as the commanding officer?”

  “Yes, Bob, I did.”

  I said, “Help me, Nikki, I need strength to resist temptation.”

  She replied, “Oh, no, Caveman, what is it you want to do?”

  “Throw her behind in a cell with Millus’ Grandma, and let them cuss their way between the stars.”

  John said, “That is beautiful, Bob, but I don’t think it will help.”

  I replied, “I don’t either, but it made me feel better to think it. We wouldn’t be having this meeting if you folks thought her getting her apparent wish to have a meeting with me was a good idea. Have we scanned her person for trackers?”

  John said, “Not yet. What are you thinking?”

  “She seems to want us to fly her to the surface in one of our ships. I wonder if she’s setting that ship up for an intercept. I would be willing to drop her somewhere on Earth, but I don’t think we should be obligated to give her a new identity. We were planning to ferry their ship back to the Earth system anyhow, a trip to the surface wouldn’t be that much extra trouble, as long as she doesn’t have some way to call down interceptors on whatever ship we use.”

  Jane asked, “So, you’d just dump her off somewhere, and let her figure it out for herself?”

  I replied, “My personal preference would be a corner in Winslow, Arizona, but we don’t have a flatbed Ford to give her.”

  Nikki said, “With the printers on this ship? The boys could knock her one out in nothing flat.”

  I said, “Too much trouble for just a joke, but it does sound like fun.”

  Gene came over the intercom. “Boss, I took the liberty of asking Topper about it on a different circuit. He says two hours, and what year would you like?”

  I asked, “Are we really doing this?”

  Dingus said, “It’s better than anything we’ve come up with.”

  I said, “Gene, tell him a ‘70, and don’t make it look too fresh. Probably better make it an automatic, too.”

  “On it, Boss.”

  John said, “You’re g
oing easy on her?”

  “Do you know how hard it was not to tell him three on the tree? I’m trying to exercise restraint here, and you, sir, are not helping.”

  Nikki was working hard with her watch. I said, “It’s old type of standard transmission, that very few younger drivers can handle, even the ones who know how to drive stick.”

  She said, “I’ve got the diagram here, it doesn’t look that tough to get used to.”

  John said, “Once they get worn, they develop bad habits. The old Chevys would get to where you couldn’t shift from first to third without going through second, or you’d lock up the linkage.”

  Gene came on the intercom. “Sir, Major Cachi is requesting entry.”

  I said, “Let him in, Gene.” Diego almost fell when the door opened in front of him. I said, “Yes, Diego, what can we do for you?”

  He said, “I just spoke with Bill Richards, my crewman you hired? He told me Jennie had refused your offer and was demanding to be returned to Earth.”

  I replied, “That’s my understanding as well. I was training and missed all the drama. We were just discussing how to get that done. She seems to be done with the Space Force, and doesn’t want to go back on their ship, not that I blame her for that. Your political officer gives off a suicide bomber kind of vibe. I wouldn’t want to ride in a ship with her either.”

  “So, you’re actually going to take her back to Earth?”

  “Not without having a little fun, but yes.”

  Diego said, “I’m afraid to ask, but fun?”

  I said, “Are you an Eagles fan, Major Cachi?”

  “The band, or the team?”

  I said, “The band.”

  He said, “You’re checking her into the Hotel California?”

  “Nope. We’re gonna drop her on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, in a flatbed Ford.”

  Diego snapped to, saluted, and said, “Sir, remind me never to piss you off, Sir.”

  “Does that mean you approve?”

  “Wholeheartedly, Captain. I was afraid you’d send her for a long walk off a short airlock.”

  I said, “So far as I know, she has yet to do anything I would want to punish her for, much less execute her.”

  “Doesn’t she have information about your operation?”

  I pointed to Dingus and Jane. “These two did her interview. I sincerely doubt they gave her anything useful, even if she was willing to go back to the Space Force. As it is, she’ll be doing her dead level best to keep a low profile. She’s not going to tell anybody anything.”

  Diego said, “I see what you mean. Before you go to all that trouble, would it be possible for Bill and me to talk to her, try to get her to change her mind?”

  I asked, “Dingus, Jane, what do you think? Any chance she might change her mind?”

  Jane said, “It’s possible, Boss, but I’d like to be able to read her while they’re talking, to make sure she’s not just going along with her superiors, and honestly decides to be here.”

  I said, “Put a camera in the interview room, and set up the meeting. Let me know what you find out.”

  I turned back to Diego. “She seemed to be scamming to get an interview with me, instead of these two. Any idea why that would be?”

  “None, Captain, but I’ll ask her about it.”

  I said, “At least we know what our next course of action is. Let me know when we have her decision.”

  Jane said, “Yes, Sir.”

  Gene said, “Veronica wanted me to remind you that you needed to talk to Dingus.”

  “Thank you. Dingus, did you run your option past those ladies who got thrown out of their village?”

  “Jane did it for me, but yes. She didn’t get any takers, though.”

  I said, “What do they want to do, then?”

  “Set up their own community somewhere with fewer large hungry animals.”

  I said, “We’ll have to see if the Starfoot will sell us a piece of ground for them.”

  Diego asked, “Starfoot?”

  Dingus said, “Oh, Son, you’re in for a treat. You know all those stories about Bigfoot? They ain’t just stories. We’re going to visit a whole planet full of ‘em.”

  “Okay, but why do you call them Starfoot?”

  I said, “Old Bigfoot elder, name of Mountain View, said that Morning Flower wasn’t Smallfoot, like us, or Bigfoot, like him. She was different, she came from the stars, she was Starfoot. The name stuck.”

  Diego asked, “How did you come to be chatting with a Bigfoot elder?”

  I replied, “He got shot in the butt. We nursed him back to health.”

  Diego asked, “Is it just me, or do a lot of people get shot in the butt when you’re around?”

  John said, “You know, he’s got a point.”

  I said, “Get Topper to print you out some bulletproof drawers and quit your whining. Meeting adjourned.”

  People began filing out. I asked, “Could you connect me with Phonelia, please, Gene?”

  “On it, Boss.”

  Phonelia answered, “Yes, Bob?”

  “Dingus didn’t have any luck with that flight he was trying to set up. I don’t have anything for you right now. Did you have something in mind?”

  “Not really, but I’ll see what I can come up with. Thanks for letting me know.”

  “You’re welcome. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye, Bob.”

  John had hung back. He said, “Those two off the American ship that we didn’t want to wake up are ready to come out of the autodoc. Do you know how soon we can send them back?”

  I replied, “Nossir, I don’t. For sure we’ll have to wait till Diego’s meeting is over, and if it goes badly, till Topper finishes the truck. Hang on while I make a couple of comm calls. Gene, get me Zoom, please.”

  “Yes, Boss?”

  “How’s that ship coming?”

  “I was meaning to call you about that. We found another locker you should have a look at. Other than that, it’s as fit to fly as it can be without giving them any knowledge.”

  I looked at John. He nodded, “We’ll be down to check out your locker in a few minutes. I had one more question, how are those nighy-nights with the delay coming?”

  Zoom replied, “You were serious about those? I thought it was only a research project.”

  “Yes, I was serious, I thought I made that clear.”

  “Got you, Boss. I have a box of two hundred sitting on my desk. I wasn’t sure where you wanted them.”

  I said, “Good one. We’ll need a couple on that ship you want us to look over, send the rest to medbay. Meet you at the ship.”

  “See you there, Boss.”

  John said, “She got you good.”

  I replied, “Yep. Now I have to figure out how to get her back.”

  We took the transit. When we walked aboard Diego’s ship, the first thing we noticed was the fresher air. Zoom called, “Over here, Boss.” She had a floor panel up, looking at what was inside the floor. She said, “Diego showed me this. I wasn’t sure what to do.”

  John said, “I miss Steve.”

  I replied, “So do I. That’s a lot of C4.”

  I asked Zoom, “Can you tell if there are any anti-tamper mechanisms on that detonator?”

  “How do you mean, Boss?”

  “If we take the whole box loose, and shove it out the lock, is it likely to go boom before we get it outside?”

  Zoom replied, “No, Boss. As near as I can tell, it’s designed to be removable, so the crew could take it off the ship and use it for demolitions, if they needed to. See these quick release pins?”

  I commed Diego. “Yes, Captain? I’m in that meeting you asked me to have, can we make this quick?”

  “I just have one question. Is there a release code we need to enter somewhere before we pull this demolition charge?”

  “When I was trained on it, they didn’t mention one. I’m not as sure as I once was that means there isn’t one.”

 
; “Thanks, you’ve cleared things up for me so much.”

  “Sorry, Boss.”

  “Don’t sweat it.”

  I hung up. I asked Zoom, “Is there any way to scan for switches that might detect this thing being removed?”

  “I have, and I can’t find a thing.”

  John asked her, “So, what do you recommend?”

  “Scotti mentioned we have some remotely operated explosive handlers, that way we don’t risk humans or bots.”

  I asked, “Do you have good enough scans of this beast to duplicate it, if something goes wrong?”

  Zoom said, “Yes, Boss, we do.”

  John said, “Sounds like a good time to be somewhere else, then. Let’s get this thing off the ship.”

  I said, “Clear the bay, and take it down to vacuum. That will keep down the blast damage if this thing gets excited.”

  Zoom brought her remotes into the bay. A couple of bots were running the control consoles, outside, behind some armor brought in for the occasion. She brought the bay down to vacuum, and shut off the force field. Then she told the bots to begin removing the charge. She said, “Fellas, there’s a screen down the hall a ways, where we can watch it all.”

  I said, “Let’s do that.” When we were clear of the area, the bots took their remotes aboard, and started taking the charge loose. I was relieved when they got it off the ship without it going off, but I felt a little silly at how many precautions we had taken. They threw it away from the ship with enough force it was drifting away quickly. I asked Gene, “Is Tex at the Weapons console?”

  “He is, Boss. Shall I connect you?”

  “Please.”

  “Yes, Boss?”

  “Does Sally have the conn?”

  Tex said, “Yes, Boss.”

  I replied, “Could you loop her in to this call, I don’t want to break chain of command.”

  Sally said, “Yes, Sir?”

  “I wasn’t thinking, and called Tex first. At least I caught myself before I gave an order that should come from you. I have a target that needs serviced. Could you ask Tex to do that for me, please?”