What a coward she was. And how depressing to come back to her empty, lonely apartment. Nothing felt right when she walked in the door. The furniture she used to love felt cold, clinical. The silence inside felt oppressive and lonely while the noise from the street grated on her senses.
She waited for the feeling to pass as she busied herself with unpacking, but it never did. Nothing felt right. Being here felt wrong.
And the guilt she felt over the way she’d run away didn’t help matters at all.
The worst part, of course, was coming to terms with the fact that she would never see Dax again.
Ever.
Tears welled up every time she tried to tell herself that. She had some idea that she could inoculate herself against the pain if she could just get the reality of it through her thick skull.
But every time she tried to swallow the fact that her little glimpse of heaven had come to an end, she heard Dax’s voice in her ears. I want you to stay.
No! She couldn’t. Didn’t he understand that? But yeah, of course he did. He’d even admitted he had no right to ask.
She sighed as she took her dirty laundry to the washer. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t so understanding. If he’d been a jerk and tried to demand that she change her life for him, she could have walked away without a second glance rather than running like a scared rabbit.
She wasn’t scared, she told herself as she went about the mundane business of doing laundry.
Liar.
No, she wasn’t scared. She was just protecting herself.
Because you’re scared.
She growled at the voices in her head, thanking her lucky stars that she lived alone lest anyone think she was crazy. If she’d had roommates, they would definitely think she’d lost it.
Because you walked away from true love?
She muttered a curse as she slammed the lid shut. No, because she was even contemplating what it would have been like if she’d stayed. For another week…or forever.
She slammed the door of the laundry room behind her. That was it. She couldn’t keep torturing herself like this. She needed a distraction and there was no better cure for a wandering mind than work.
Turning on her phone, which she’d turned off for the flight, she went to text Hannah to let her know she was back in town and ready to discuss the potential wedding venue whenever she was ready.
Potential wedding venue. Yes, that was how she’d think of that magical place that had completely transformed her life.
She found herself debating whether she wanted the wedding to happen there or not. Oh, selflessly she hoped it would. For Alice’s sake, and Dax’s.
She felt a grin pull at her lips, despite her overall misery. But her mind had conjured a mental image of Dax’s resigned stoicism in the face of a Hollywood wedding on his property and her heart clung to it.
She hoped Hannah chose Twilight ranch for herself, as well. It truly was the kind of once-in-a-lifetime locale that her friend deserved for her wedding.
So really, the only dilemma was for her. As the event planner, she would have to go back there.
Oh, who are you fooling? You’re dying to go back there.
She couldn’t lie to herself. She was dying to go back to Twilight…to Dax. But it would only be harder to walk away the next time.
And that was assuming he didn’t hate her for running away like she had.
But all thoughts of the wedding were temporarily halted as her phone came to life and message after message popped up on the screen. All from Alice. All worried about her, making sure she was okay.
Guilt plagued her as she quickly typed a response back, apologizing for her rude departure and thanking her again for everything.
Alice responded quickly with a smiley emoji and the message, glad you’re home safe. Then, after a moment, we were worried.
We. There was no doubt in Katy’s mind who we referred to.
She slumped down onto her couch with a sigh as she admitted the truth once and for all.
She was a coward.
But coward or not, she had a job to do. She texted Hannah, who wrote back right away, excited to hear every detail. They made a plan to get together mid-week once Hannah returned from shooting on location.
That done, Alice got back to work unpacking and cleaning. Then she set about reorganizing her kitchen and sorting through the files on her desk.
Anything, really, to keep her mind from going where it wanted…back to Dax. Back to Twilight.
The worst part was, it wasn’t just her mind that kept wandering off without her.
Despite telling herself over and over that she hadn’t known Dax well enough to have developed real feelings, everything in her said otherwise.
So while her mind kept traveling back to Twilight, she had the uneasy feeling that her heart had never left.
Chapter Fifteen
The days following Katy’s abrupt departure may have been the longest and most miserable of Dax’s life. He’d thought it had been tough when Shannon had left him, but this? This was so much worse.
When Katy left, she’d taken a part of him with her. At least, that’s how it felt. While he was physically present at the ranch, his heart wasn’t in it. How could it be? His heart had gotten on a plane to California.
The feeling was unsettling. Okay, it was awful. But for a man who’d spent his entire life working on this land—for a man who shared a connection to a place that went so far beyond a job or a career—the feeling was unsettling.
Normally he could lose himself in his work, find comfort in the routines and in the majestic landscape.
Not today, and not any of these past few days since Alice had run from him.
Her leaving hurt him, but the way she’d left worried him. He knew she feared controlling men, that she was afraid of giving up her independence and her power. It ate at him that she’d run from him. Had he made her feel that way? Had he come on too strong or overstepped his bounds by telling her he wanted her to stay?
That fear was the only thing holding him back from reaching out to her. Instead, he’d had Alice do it for him. Nothing too aggressive, he’d just asked her to check in now and again.
Alice, the sweetheart that she was, had done it, though she’d pointed out that she would have checked up on her new friend anyway, even without his badgering.
So he knew that physically, at least, she was all right. But if she’d felt their connection even half as much as he had, he knew she’d be hurting too. And that he hated, especially because there was nothing he could do about it.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he nearly missed the fact his living room was filled with people when he walked into the main house to grab some lunch. He stopped short in the doorway as he caught sight of a gloomy bunch before him.
Alice paced in front of the fireplace as James watched her with concern from the old recliner in the corner. Cole sat beside Claire on the loveseat, leaning forward with this hands clasped between his legs.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
Cole sat up straight and Alice stopped pacing. She was the first to speak. “Dax, I’m glad you’re here. We wanted to talk to you.”
Uh oh. Worry churned in his stomach, doing nothing to allay the miserable concoction already brewing in his gut these past few days. Just when he thought this week couldn’t get any worse…
“What’s wrong?”
Claire gestured to the sofa across from her and Cole. “Have a seat, Dax.”
“You guys are scaring me. Is everything all right?” he asked as he took the proffered seat. He turned to Cole. “Is it the wedding?”
“The wedding planning is right on schedule,” Claire started.
“It’s a wedding planner we’re here to discuss,” Cole finished. His typical smirk was softened by concern.
Oh no.
Alice sat beside him. “We need to talk about Alice.”
This couldn’t be happening.
Clai
re leaned forward. “Is there anything we can do to help you?”
Yes, it was definitely happening. His shock receded just long enough for him to splutter a bit. “Are you—” He looked around and each in turn, taking in their concern and their determination. “Is this an intervention?”
He heard James let out a short laugh but he clammed up when Alice shot him a look.
Dax glared at him too. James was his best friend; they’d grown up together and had been working this ranch together side by side for more years than he cared to count. His look clearly said et tu Brute? Or at least, he hoped it did.
James seemed to get the point. The normally quiet cowboy stood up and crossed over so he was standing in front of Dax. “Look, I’m not here to give you grief about your love life.” He gave Dax a lopsided grin. “Lord knows I’m not one to talk.”
Alice gave a snort beside him that they both ignored.
“I’m just here because…” He scratched his head, looking uncomfortable as Dax would expect about discussing feelings. Finally James shook his head. “Look, I’m just here to tell you that if you need to take some time and go be with your girl…” He sighed. “Just go do what you need to do. I can take care of things here.”
“And I’ll help,” Cole said. “The garage has been slow, anyway. Marty doesn’t need me every day.”
“I can help with the bookkeeping stuff,” Claire offered.
“And you know I’ve got the guest ranch covered and will keep the house in order while you’re gone,” Alice said.
He honestly didn’t know what to say. He was blown away, by the kindness and generosity of their offer, as much as by the naïve simplicity of it. “I can’t just…” He struggled to find the words. “Go to her.”
“Why not?” That was James talking and when he put it like that, it was hard to think of a good reason. Except, of course, for the many that were easily at hand.
He came to stand, not knowing if he could take much more kindness right now. Their good intentions felt like needles pricking at an open wound. He’d felt raw all week and he couldn’t take much more so he headed out of the room. He didn’t make it far before Alice stopped him.
“Dax,” she said gently. “We want to help you.”
“You’ve always done so much for us,” Cole added.
He had his back to them and he closed his eyes to gather his thoughts. No, to gather his emotions. He’d always been the calm one, the reliable one. The one everyone could lean on.
What had happened?
He’d fallen in love.
That was the obvious answer. He’d fallen in love and now…he chuckled softly under his breath. Now the knight in shining armor was the one who needed to be saved. Katy would have loved that.
But then he realized the truth and he sighed heavily.
“What is it?” Claire asked.
He turned around to face them. “I appreciate the concern. I really do. But there’s only one person who can take this pain away and she chose to leave.”
“So go win her back,” Cole said. Claire nodded eagerly beside him. He hated to tell them how hard it was to see them right now. He loved them both and was happy for what they’d found, but watching them prepare to say their vows in two days’ time was salt in his wounds.
Alice seemed to latch onto Cole’s idea, her eyes were lit up with the kind of hopefulness that came with being young and unhurt by the world.
Or maybe he was just too cynical.
“Why not go to her?” she asked. “Trust me, Dax. I saw the way she looked at you. The way you looked at each other. I’ve never seen anything like it and I—” She cut herself off with a shake of her head. “You guys can’t just walk away from each other like this.”
“It’s not that simple, Alice.” He wished it was. More than anything he wished he could just swoop in and scoop her up…go riding off into the sunset.
Alice started to protest. Even Cole got on board, arguing the idea that she might not know how he felt. That he should woo her, that he should make her see and blah blah blah.
“I can’t do that,” he said, frustration lacing his voice. Didn’t they know that if it was a matter of sheer strength of will, he would have her in his life for good? Didn’t they see that it wasn’t fear holding him back?
“Why not?” James’s quiet voice cut through the silence.
He let out a loud exhale. “Because she knows how I feel,” he said, the words hard to get out past the tightness in his chest. “I told her.”
There was a stunned silence. “You told her you love her?” Claire asked.
Was it that obvious? Judging by their faces, the answer was yes.
He gave a brisk nod and looked away as Alice and Cole winced in empathy. He didn’t want sympathy or sadness, he just wanted to move on with his life.
No, that wasn’t true. He wanted Katy. He wanted a future with her like Cole had with Claire.
But since that was impossible, he would settle for moving on and getting past this pain. It would fade eventually. It had to.
“I don’t understand.” Alice’s voice sounded small and young. When he looked over she looked genuinely confused. “She loves you too, I know she does.”
He wanted to believe that. And in some ways he did believe that. “Not enough, I guess,” he said with a shrug.
They were all staring at him and he felt the need to explain. “Look, it’s not her fault. Even if she does love me, I couldn’t ask her to give up everything for me. Just like I couldn’t give up my life for her.”
“Why not?” Cole asked. The look in his eyes was stubborn and hard.
Dax answered with another sigh. “I’m needed here.”
“No offense, little brother, but I think we could manage.”
He leveled a glare at his brother and Cole held up his hands in defense. “I’m not saying we don’t need you or that this place doesn’t need you. But if you want to be with the woman you love, I’m sure we could work something out.”
Claire was nodding beside him. “What if you had a long-distance romance?”
“Anything is possible if we work it out together,” Alice added.
The thought gave him a flicker of hope. Could he make it work somehow? Financially it would be a strain to hire people to cover for him at the ranch, but he supposed it might be feasible.
“Go to her,” Claire urged. “Sweep her off her feet.”
Those words brought him back to reality and he rubbed his forehead to alleviate the stress headache that had been building all day. “That’s the problem. She doesn’t want to be swept off her feet. She—” He didn’t want to tell them all she’d revealed to him. He couldn’t do that to her. “She values her independence and I need to respect her decision. I can’t fight her on this.”
Much as he might want to.
He saw the disappointment all around, but no one was more disheartened than him. He would give anything to run to her side. He’d move heaven and earth and find the money to hire a replacement if it meant not having to give up the one person who made him feel whole.
But if he loved her as much as he said he did, then he would put her wishes first.
Even though the agony of it might kill him.
Chapter Sixteen
As Katy sat and waited for Hannah at the restaurant along the beach, she examined her reflection in the mirror. Her puffy eyes had not, in fact, miraculously gone down to their normal size. She had hoped that all she’d needed was time. And maybe it still was, she told herself. After all, it had only been a few days. Maybe it would just take a few more.
Yeah right, and maybe a few days after that she’d sprout wings and learn to fly.
Luckily Hannah arrived before she could fall into another round of maudlin thoughts and self-recriminations. She didn’t actually see her friend at first, but she knew she’d entered by the way the tables near the door got all hushed and turned to stare. The phenomenon spread like dominos falling and soon enough Hannah turned the corne
r to the section where Katy sat near the windows.
Katy liked to think that even if Hannah wasn’t on a hit TV show, she would still have that kind of effect on people. She was that strikingly beautiful, first of all, but it was also her overall demeanor. Her aura, maybe. She had a charisma and energy about her that made people stop and stare.
Again, the beauty didn’t hurt either. With caramel brown hair that fell in perfect, glossy beach waves, she had a natural tan and bright green eyes. She had the perfect hourglass figure and the kind of exotic features that could only come from amazing genes.
No one could buy her kind of natural beauty. Not that it stopped people from trying.
“Hi gorgeous,” she said as she slipped into the booth across from her. “Did I keep you waiting long?”
“Not too long,” Katy said, trying to muster a smile.
The problem with working for herself was that she never really had to leave her house, not if she didn’t want to. And this week? She definitely had not wanted to.
A waiter hurried over and they placed their orders. Once they’d sought each other out in LA, this had become their place. Neither of them had to look at the menu before ordering. When he left, Hannah turned back to her with a smile.
“So, are you going to tell me all about it?”
“Of course,” she said quickly, pulling out her binder full of information. “You were right about the ranch, it’s gorgeous and—”
“Not the ranch,” Hannah interrupted.
When Katy looked over she saw the hint of amusement in her friend’s eyes as she took a sip of her water. “The cowboy.”
Katy’s stomach dropped. She didn’t want to think about Dax. She couldn’t, not if she was going to maintain any sort of composure.
And quite honestly, she was tired of crying. She was tired of hurting.
“Hey,” Hannah said, her tone filled with concern. Probably because Katy’s stupid tear ducts had gone into overdrive at the mere mention of Dax. And Hannah hadn’t even used his name!
“Hey,” she said again, leaning over to place a hand over Katy’s. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I talked to Claire and she said you and the ranch owner had hit it off but—”
Steel Toes & Stilettos (Sweet & Rugged in Montana Book 2) Page 14
