Marriage Made of Secrets

by Maya Blake

  Her lips tightened for a moment before she spoke. ‘The doctors say it’s his lungs...it started off as acute bronchitis but it’s been complicated by pneumonia. His forty-a-day smoking habit hasn’t helped. They don’t know if he’s going to make it.’

  He slid his hands down her arms, thankful that she wasn’t pushing him away. The thought that she didn’t care enough to do so plagued him. ‘Give me the full details and I’ll get the best team of doctors to—’

  ‘No. I won’t be doing what you want, Cesare. Not this time.’

  Alarm gripped the back of his neck. ‘What do you mean? We’re in this together. I’m only trying to help, tesoro mio.’

  She finally lifted her gaze to his and the cool resignation in their depths stopped his heart. ‘No, thanks. I’ve asked Nathan to find me a flight. There’s a taxi coming to take me to the airport in fifteen minutes.’

  Shock made him rock back on his heels but he quickly regrouped. ‘Cancel the taxi. First of all, you’re exhausted from running around at the wedding. We’ll have an early night and take the jet tomorrow—’

  She pulled away from him and jumped to her feet. ‘You’re still not listening to me, Cesare. I came downstairs to discuss what was happening between us, but also to say that I’m sorry for putting the burden of my wanting a family on you. It’s what I’ve wanted for longer than I can remember but it wasn’t fair to put it all at your feet. I want to be with you and Annabelle more than anything, so I hoped we could find some sort of compromise, but I can see now there’s no hope for us, not if you’re not willing to let me in even a little bit.’

  The rise of hope and its subsequent swift death left him reeling. ‘I...sì, we can—’

  ‘Do you know why I’ve always yearned for a family?’

  He nodded. ‘Because you lost your mother when you were very young.’

  ‘It wasn’t just that. After she died, my father stopped seeing me—not that he’d paid me much attention to start with. But it was almost as if I’d ceased to exist in his eyes. When I dared to make myself heard, he would shut me down. Do you know how that feels? Being made to feel invisible? As if nothing I have to say or do matters?’

  The icy stream that had drenched his veins solidified. ‘Ava, please listen—’

  ‘No, I’m done with controlling men.’

  Her fire was back, and for that he was thankful. But he felt the distance between them widening with every second. ‘I wasn’t trying to control you—’

  ‘Of course you were! You decided that Annabelle and I were better off without you, so you withdrew from us. You decided that I wasn’t strong enough or was too upset to be told that Roberto was sick, and when he died you kept that to yourself, too. And...just now...’ She sucked in a deep breath as her voice broke.

  Desperate, he reached for her but she pulled away. He shoved his hands into his pockets. ‘You didn’t hear the full story just now. Let me explain.’

  ‘I’m exhausted, Cesare. My father isn’t an easy man to deal with at the best of times, and I seriously doubt he’s had a sudden personality transplant, which means my visit is going to be a difficult one. I’d rather not use what little strength I have arguing with you.’

  He pushed his fingers through his hair, anxiety and a previously unplumbed depth of fear coursing through him. If he let her walk out of here, would he ever see her again?

  She’s leaving Annabelle in your care. That counts for something.

  With everything in him screaming to do otherwise, Cesare stepped back. ‘Cancel the taxi, cara. Rest for a few hours before you make the trip. Paolo will drive you and the jet will be at your disposal. I’m sorry, but I’ll have to insist on that. I won’t let you travel while you’re exhausted.’

  His heart sank even lower when she merely shrugged and looked away.

  * * *

  He prowled the hallway, his eyes darting to the stairs, even though Ava had long gone to bed. He gave a short bark of laughter at the irony. Had it been only two weeks ago that he’d tried to stop her from returning? And now he wanted to do the reverse because everything inside him rebelled against letting her go.

  He stopped in his tracks, stunned all over again by the feelings coursing through him. He could storm upstairs, articulate them to her, but he risked her thinking it was another controlling ploy.

  He had to let her go and hope he would get her back. Barring that...

  Clamping down on the roiling emotions tearing through him, he strode into the living room. The discarded glass containing the cognac stood on the coffee table.

  Picking it up, he knocked it back and sank onto the sofa. Fire and fear coursed a jagged path through his chest. The bottom of the glass mocked him.

  Hell, he deserved more than mockery. To think that when he finally recognized his feelings, knew just what the woman he’d married meant to him, he couldn’t tell her because he was too damned scared of losing her...

  He tossed the glass onto the wooden table, saw it crack in two and barely gave a damn. Resting his head against the chair, he gritted his teeth against the need to do something.

  It took the better part of an hour to accept that he could do nothing. Nothing but wait until Ava was ready to listen.

  * * *

  Cesare jerked awake and surged to his feet. The room was in semi-darkness. At some point someone—most likely Lucia—had drawn the curtains and left a couple of table lamps burning. Without consulting his watch, he knew it was very late.

  Probably too late...

  He wasn’t sure exactly what had woken him but a feeling in the pit of his stomach sent him rushing from the room.

  How arrogant of him to believe he could secure Ava’s forgiveness just by telling her he’d been trying to protect her. Dio, how stupid was he?

  He’d wounded his wife badly; he knew that now. But the thought of her walking away from him made him want to grab her and hold on as tight as ever.

  He took the stairs three at a time. When his knock went unanswered, he pushed open her bedroom door. Her suite was empty. Fear clutching his soul, he rushed down the stairs, bellowing Lucia’s name. He nearly collided with her as she emerged from the kitchen with one of the other maids in tow.

  ‘Where is she?’ he demanded.

  The look she shot him was a cross between worry and disapproval. ‘Signora di Goia? The taxi came for her an hour ago.’

  A rush of blackness momentarily blinded him. ‘What exactly did she say?’

  The young maid answered. ‘Nothing. She went to check on the piccolina, then come downstairs with her bag.’

  He told himself to calm down, to think rationally. His inner voice just mocked him.

  Returning to his study, he threw himself into his chair and clutched his head.

  Cesare tried a mere half minute to talk himself out of it before he reached for his phone. His call went straight to voicemail. One minute later he tried again. After half a dozen tries, he left his first message.

  Two hours later, doing everything to stem his terror, Cesare tried again. When Ava’s husky tone instructed him to leave a message, he said the only thing he could think of.

  An eternity later he ended the call and curled himself into the sofa, clutching his phone. Over and over, he told himself weeping was for the weak.

  * * *

  The good thing about travelling with one small bag was that she managed to clear Customs within minutes. The bad thing was that the temperature in London, even in early August, was rainy and damp enough to warrant a sweater. Shivering, she contemplated stopping to get one but quickly discarded the idea and headed for the exit.

  Her hired car was ready and waiting. Twenty minutes later, she was driving down the familiar route towards the home she’d grown up in.

  It was late, long past midnight, when she drew up in f
ront of the semi-detached house on the outskirts of Southampton. The light in the upstairs window in what had been Nathan’s room reassured her somewhat.

  Quaking inside, she walked up the short pathway and pressed the bell.

  Silence echoed after the jangling of the bell faded away, and then she heard feet thudding on the stairs.

  Nathan’s eyes lit on her. ‘Ava, you came.’ He stepped forward and enveloped her in a bear hug.

  Surprised by the gesture, she drew in a shaky breath. ‘Did you think I wouldn’t?’

  ‘I wasn’t sure. You just said you’d think about it and then ignored my calls.’

  ‘Is he awake? I need to speak to him.’ Before she lost what little courage she had.

  Nathan’s eyebrows shot up and he checked his watch. ‘Now?’

  ‘Please, Nathan, it’s important.’

  He frowned, his brown eyes studying her face. ‘What’s happened, Ava?’

  I think my marriage may be over and I want to know if I have any family left at all.

  A hacking cough came from above and continued for a full minute. When it ended, Ava heard painful heaving as her father tried to catch his breath.

  Nathan’s expression was pained. ‘He’s been having a hard time of it. It’s worst at night—’ He stopped when the phone rang.

  Curious as to who would be calling so late, she stared questioningly at Nathan.

  ‘It’s your husband. He’s been calling every ten minutes for the last two hours. Should I?’ He indicated the phone.

  She nodded, waited for Nathan to answer, then held out her hand. ‘Hello, Cesare.’

  ‘Ava, are you all right?’ His voice was strained but the solid sound of his voice soothed a wounded, devastated place in her heart.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Dio grazie.’ The mingled relief and pain in his voice made her heart clench. ‘I’m glad you’re safe but if you disappear on me like this again, I swear I won’t be responsible for my actions,’ he tagged on in a fierce undertone.

  ‘I needed to do this, Cesare.’

  ‘Just...’ He stopped and inhaled audibly. ‘I understand why you need to do this. I was the same with Roberto, even though he pushed me away. I told myself it didn’t matter but every time...it hurt.’

  ‘But you never gave up. You never stopped fighting for your family.’

  The small silence made her heart stutter.

  ‘No, I didn’t. And I never will. I’ll never stop fighting for us, Ava.’

  This time her heart stilled. ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘Have you seen your father?’

  ‘No, not yet. I just got here.’

  ‘Before you do, I want you to know that, no matter what happens, I’ll be here. Annabelle and I, we will be your family from now on. You never have to feel invisible or unwanted. And you don’t have to settle for less than you want.’

  Her grip tightened on the handset. ‘Are you...do you know what you’re saying, Cesare, because if this is just about protecting me—’

  ‘Protecting you from pain and rejection will always be non-negotiable and, yes, I know I’ve caused a lot of it. But this is also about a lot more, tesoro.’ He breathed a sigh of impatience. ‘I don’t want to do this over the phone, Ava. I want to see you. Are you coming back?’

  ‘Do you want me to come back, Cesare?’

  A disbelieving huff echoed down the phone. ‘Sì, of course I do! You are my wife, the mother of my child. I would be with you right now if you hadn’t asked to do this alone. See? I’m learning.’

  Her heart tripped at the fervent possessiveness and need in his voice. Foolish hope bloomed in her chest. ‘You have to do a whole lot more if we’re to get through this, Cesare.’

  ‘I know. But...but don’t give up on us...per favore...’

  Her heart tightened along with her grip on the phone. ‘I...I...’

  ‘Don’t say anything just yet. Did you listen to my messages?’ She heard the touch of vulnerability in his voice and wondered at it.

  ‘No, not yet.’ She hadn’t had time to turn her mobile back on.

  ‘Okay. I’ve sent the jet for you. It will be at your disposal when you’re ready to return but it would help if the pilot knew when that would be so he can file a flight plan.’

  She smiled at the tactic, but the smile slowly faded when the enormity of what she had to do settled on her shoulders. ‘Give me a day with my father.’

  ‘Of course. I’ll call tomorrow.’

  She didn’t miss the implacable nature of that promise. Hanging up, she turned to find Nathan hovering in the kitchen doorway.

  ‘I’m going up,’ she said.

  He nodded.

  Ava entered her father’s room and found him propped up against pillows, his face coated in sweat despite the coolness of the night. His eyes were shut, but she knew he was awake because he clutched an oxygen mask over his nose and mouth.

  ‘Hello, Dad.’

  His eyes slowly opened. For a moment, a light, reminiscent of the stern figure he’d been, blazed in his eyes. Then slowly it faded. He pulled the mask from his face.

  ‘Caroline...’ he said weakly.

  One hand attempted to lift off the bed, but feebly fell back down. Going to him, Ava took his hand, tears clogging her throat as she saw how withered, how frail he’d become.

  The ogre who’d terrorised her childhood was now nothing more than a shadow of his former self. A shadow who’d mistaken Ava for his dead wife.

  His watery eyes dimmed then another round of coughing interrupted whatever he’d been about to say. When it was over, he could do nothing more than inhale the oxygen and try to get his breath back.

  ‘Don’t try to speak, Dad. It’s all right.’

  Tears clouded her eyes and the pain she’d carried with her for so long slowly disappeared.

  What her father had done in the past didn’t matter any more. Hope flared in her heart. She and Cesare had a lot to work through but Ava had hope—a hope that grew stronger with each passing moment.

  Leaning down, she kissed her father’s leathery cheek. ‘I love you, Dad. I’m here for you. Sleep now.’

  A laboured sigh escaped him and his eyes shut.

  As she went downstairs and entered the kitchen, she activated her phone and saw twenty-six missed calls from Cesare. Before she could replay any of them, Nathan appeared with a cup of tea.

  ‘Is everything all right?’

  She nodded. ‘Dad’s sleeping.’

  ‘I meant with you and your husband.’

  Surprised, she looked up and caught Nathan’s uncomfortable look. ‘I know we weren’t here for you when you were young. I guess that’s why you didn’t invite any of us to your wedding...’

  ‘I didn’t think any of you would come.’

  He nodded. ‘For what it’s worth, I’ve missed you. I think Cameron and Matthew have too.’ He looked away, shamefaced. ‘Growing up, it was just easier to take Dad’s lead, you know? It’s no excuse, I know, but...heck, Ava, I’m sorry.’

  Setting her cup down, she placed her hand over his. ‘It’s okay, Nathan.’ At his sceptical look, she pressed on. ‘It really is. I’ve made my peace with the past, and with Dad. At some point in the future, I’ll try and reconnect with Cameron and Matthew too. I’d like Annabelle to meet her grandfather and uncles eventually.’

  Nathan nodded, rose and touched her shoulder on his way out. ‘I’m glad you’re here,’ he said gruffly. ‘Goodnight.’

  With tears clogging her throat, Ava abandoned her tea and went upstairs. After undressing, she slipped into her childhood bed. She felt comfort at being surrounded by the things she’d grown up with. Acting on a faint memory, she pulled open her bedside drawer. There it was, an old picture of her mother she’d kept
even though her father had got rid of every last trace of her after her death.

  Caroline Hunter had the same red hair as Ava and, despite her frail appearance, there was strength in her eyes that resonated within Ava.

  She hadn’t been able to beat cancer but, while she’d been alive, her mother had fiercely protected her daughter. Ava knew deep in her heart her mother would’ve done anything for her, protected her from any harm.

  In his own high-handed way, wasn’t that what Cesare had been trying to do? She might not agree with the way he chose to do it, but could she really condemn him for it? If their roles were reversed, what would she have done?

  Ava gasped in the darkness as clarity shone beacon-bright. Pulling back the covers, she rushed out of her room and hammered on her brother’s door.

  ‘Nathan, do you have a computer I can use?’

  ‘Now?’

  * * *

  She spent the rest of the night researching and by morning her decision was made.

  Taking a deep breath, she took her phone out of her bag. Ignoring the countless messages that beeped at her, she searched until she found the right number.

  It was answered on the third ring. ‘Ciao?’

  ‘Celine, it’s Ava. I’m sorry to disturb you so early.’

  ‘Don’t worry, life’s too short for sleep anyway, right?’ Her voice was light but Ava sensed the question behind her flippancy.

  She cleared her throat and glanced out of the window overlooking the small, overgrown garden. ‘I need your help.’

  ‘Sure, anything you want,’ Celine said.

  With another deep breath, she outlined what she wanted.

  ‘Ava, this is a huge step. Have you talked to Cesare about this?’

  Guilt momentarily assailed her. She bit her lip and forged on. ‘I need to do this. For us.’

  ‘But...’

  ‘Celine, please. Just help me.’

  The other woman sighed. ‘If your mind is made up—’

  Ava rang off after she’d scribbled down the phone numbers of two reputable Harley Street practices. She rang the first one at nine. The doctor she requested was on holiday. She rang the second number, shamelessly name-dropped and was immediately put through.