A Love Worth Searching For

by Kathleen Ball

  He smiled. “I would, but there is this cute as a button gal already using it.”

  Her face heated. “We’ll trade tonight. You take the wagon, and I’ll take the ground.”

  She heard laughter and turned. Tara came strolling toward them with an older version of herself.

  “Good morning,” Tara greeted. “Lily, this is my mother Mrs. Scott. She so wanted to meet you.”

  Lily nodded at the two women. “Good morning. It’s very nice to meet you Mrs. Scott. I hope you enjoyed a nice respite.”

  Mrs. Scott’s eyes widened as Tara’s narrowed. Lily saw Jed’s lips twitch, and she tried not to smile.

  “Yes, yes we did.”

  “It looks to be a nice day. I’m going to earn my keep helping Smitty. If you’ll excuse me, I’m sure I have water to haul. Good day, ladies.” Lily stood, handed her cup to Smitty, and gave the women regal nods. Then she grabbed the pail and walked very straight-backed toward the river.

  “You enjoyed that.”

  She stopped and turned toward Jed. “I did, and I do believe you did too. I think they expected to find a wild animal sitting at Smitty’s fire. They probably thought I’d have the white women’s clothes on backwards while I ate with my hands.” Her smile faded. “They wouldn’t have been too far off the mark if they’d have seen me a few weeks ago. My mother taught me all the social graces of society, and I haven’t forgotten.”

  “Still spunky.” Jed took the bucket from her and filled it at the river. “I know this might sound stupid but please don’t go to the river alone.” He held up his hand. “Let me speak. It broke my heart when you were taken, and I know you can defend yourself now, but I can’t have a lump in my throat every time I see you near the water. Just for a few weeks at least. Please?”

  “Of course, it’s a reasonable enough request. I don’t like to bathe in the river very much but I’ve had no choice. My…” She gave a dry chuckle. “…spunk got me through. I learned that to survive one must be bold and daring. Tell me, how did my mother die?”

  “We believe she was killed by Big Bart. Do you remember him?”

  Pain speared her heart, and it twisted in her chest as she nodded.

  “He was desperate for another wagon. His oxen were giving out, and he said he needed more wagons for his whiskey. I believe he killed her.”

  “Then I must avenge my mother.”

  Jed took her hand. “She’s been avenged. It turned out that Bart had guns with him along with the whiskey. The oxen couldn’t pull them up to the higher elevations, and we left him behind to decide how he was going to lighten his load. The next thing we knew, he was dead, and his partner had skedaddled back the way we came. The money you have in the bank came from the sale of your wagon to Bart. We got top dollar from him and Mike set up an account for you in Oregon.”

  Jed’s hand was large and warm. It held without intent, surprising her with how good it felt. Somehow she’d forgotten that not every hand hit. “I’d pictured her in Oregon all this time. I wondered if she’d remarried. Things are so very different from what I thought. Imagination is a strange thing. You can imagine good things or bad.” Slowly she drew her hand out of Jed’s. “We’d best get the water to Smitty.”

  They walked back to Smitty’s wagon and all the while, she felt someone watching her. There was a brief temptation to tell Jed but he had enough on his mind. She could take care of herself.

  After breakfast, they packed up the wagons and Lily was anxious to go. People from other wagon trains had taken to staring at her every move and she had a feeling it would lead to trouble. Her instincts were right but it was the people of Jed’s train that were objecting to having her along.

  Jed ran his hand over his face and widened his stance as he stared out at the restless crowd. “Actually, now would be the time for you folks who don’t want to travel with Lily to find other wagon trains. Most are going to Oregon, a few are going to California. You might not get a chance to join another for a while if you don’t do it now, and traveling alone is too risky.”

  “Risky because of the likes of her!” Garber pointed at Lily as he shouted.

  Jed took a step forward. “Lily has done nothing wrong. I, for one, feel blessed to have found her alive. I’m sure if your loved ones had been taken you’d be happy to have them back.”

  “I’d shoot myself before that happened!” a large woman named Wanda called out as she stepped forward. “Every woman knows to kill themselves before getting caught. Once you’ve been with savages, you aren’t fit to live with whites. Why didn’t you just shoot yourself?”

  Jed opened his mouth, but Lily spoke before he could.

  “I didn’t have a gun. I never had access to a gun or anything else I could have killed myself with. And that doesn’t matter because to me taking one’s life is a mortal sin—”

  “God forgives in this circumstance!” Wanda insisted.

  “You don’t know me. You don’t know a thing about how I lived or how I survived. How dare you tell me I should have killed myself? I held on to life with the tightest of fists, and I never let go. Women like you...” She curled her lip in a sneer. “...the weak ones, were treated very badly and they wished they were dead. That’s not my story, so don’t tell me what I should or shouldn’t have done.”

  Jed admired her bold, even voice. Heck, he felt like slugging Wanda but Lily showed real restraint. She was more of a lady than Wanda would ever be. He watched as she left and walked to the oxen, probably getting ready to yoke them.

  Wanda appeared speechless. But as Jed scanned the crowd, he noted she seemed to have plenty of supporters. It wasn’t going to be an easy trip.

  “We’ll be leaving in ten minutes. Be ready.” Jed turned and walked away from the people in his care. There was no such thing as a smooth trip when you were traveling over two thousand miles.

  Ten minutes later he was at the front of the line yelling, “Wagons ho!”

  They had about another week along the Platte River and then fifty miles of sagebrush desert. He’d have to convince people to start lightening their loads. It was never an easy job. To each person, whatever they had in their wagons was essential. They couldn’t fathom parting with Aunt Sally’s rocking chair, or the piano that had been in their family forever. Soon enough they’d see furniture and other treasures strewn along side of the trail from other wagon trains. And then they would be forced to face reality and make practical decisions.

  Too many waited until their oxen were ready to collapse from exhaustion. It was best to prepare now. He would call a meeting tonight, and the subject of Lily would not be allowed. He’d thought there would be some silent snubbing, but Wanda’s outburst that morning had him seething.

  He kept an eye on everyone most of the day. Lily walked the whole way but he hadn’t expected anything less. When he asked if she wanted to ride at the nooning, she simply shook her head and helped Smitty put a cold meal together. No matter how hard he tried to keep his gaze off her, it eventually landed upon her. His prayers of finding her had been answered and he felt so grateful.

  “What are you grinning about?” Rex asked as he drew his bay gelding up next to Jed, on his horse Paint, named for his patchy black and white coloring.

  “Just glad to have Lily back. I still can’t believe I finally found her.”

  Rex nodded. “I feel guilty as all get out that she got stabbed. I was watching the perimeter of camp. I never suspected someone close to the wagons.”

  “Not your fault. We’ll need to keep our eyes open. From the sound of it she can fight if she has to so she’s not defenseless. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that. I appreciate you looking out for her. Meeting tonight, would you take care of informing the others?”

  “I sure will,” Rex said before he turned and rode down the long line of wagons.

  Jed shook his head and rode to the front of the train. There were always problems but he couldn’t imagine doing anything else with his life. He never planned to allow d
ust to collect under his feet. He had to admit he was a bit at loose ends. His focus had been so intent on finding Lily. He’d have to direct that energy in another direction. He could concentrate on being the best dang wagon train master around.

  It was a long day. The weather held so they traveled about seventeen miles he estimated. The Oregon Trail was getting more crowded every year, and he found by going a few extra miles, weather permitting, they could camp where the rest weren’t.

  After everyone had settled and had their evening meal, he called for a meeting. It shouldn’t have surprised him how many stared at Lily and she wasn’t even standing with him. She was off to the side with Smitty.

  “Folks, as you know we’ll be traveling faster and in about a week we’ll be heading into an area where water and grass are hard to come by. Most of you have some grain put by for your oxen, and we can all ration our water. My main concern is the toll it takes on the oxen. You’ll need to ration the grain and water for them too. They can’t continue to pull heavy wagons.”

  “That’s why we got them oxen! They’re supposed to haul our stuff all the way to Oregon!” One of the travelers named Winston Richards yelled. Jed had him pegged as a troublemaker soon after they started the trip. He was a burly man who thought he had all the answers.

  “Dead oxen pull no wagons. Lighten your loads. You’ll have to before we start to ascend the mountain regions, so it might as well be now. Look your wagons over and see what you can part with. I’ll be going from wagon to wagon to see if I can help. Let’s get to it.”

  “What about the squaw?” Wanda screeched.

  “Do you mean Miss Lewis?” Jed leveled Wanda with a withering stare. “I will not tolerate any slight or insult to Miss Lewis. She is a well-bred woman who has been through a terrible ordeal. She deserves our help and compassion. Meeting adjourned.” He glanced at Lily, and his heart warmed at the admiration he saw in her eyes.

  “Mr. Todd, I mean Jed.” A blushing Jill Callen approached him. “I’d be more than happy to help Lily.”

  Jed smiled at the spinster. She had mousy-brown hair and dull brown eyes. Her brother was a minister, all full of fire and brimstone. As far as Jed could tell, he used Jill as an indentured servant rather than treating her as a sister. “Thank you that’s very kind of you.”

  Jill gave him a quick nod and stared at the ground for a moment. “I’ll get to know her in the morning. Good night.” She hurried toward her frowning brother without even giving Jed a second look. People would change their attitude as soon as they got to know Lily. He smiled, Jill just might be what Lily needed.

  The next day Lily nodded for the hundredth time to something Jill had said. She surely did chatter, and Lily wasn’t used to people talking so much. Her life with the Sioux had been more solitary, and words hadn’t been wasted on her. She’d worked hard and done what she was told, but she’d never been invited to join in on most of their conversations.

  She eventually turned a deaf ear to Jill and admired her surroundings. The world was a beautiful place, the people in it made it less than beautiful. The rushing babble and splash of the river combined with the lush rolling hills offered her soul peace. She’d learned to find it where she could.

  The shoes she now wore felt odd and uncomfortable compared to her moccasins. Too bad she couldn’t just pick and choose what she liked best from both the white people and the Indians. She sighed.

  “Is something wrong?” Jill asked. “You know my brother wants to pray with you tonight.”

  “Is he having some type of religious service?”

  Jill shook her head. “No, he also does one-on-one counseling with people in need of guidance. People who need to find their way back to God. I can’t imagine how you lived in a Godless place for two years.”

  Lily’s shoulders stiffened. “I thought God was everywhere. I certainly know he was with me.” She walked faster to get away from Jill. Jill’s brother wanted to save her soul? Her soul was just fine. It was probably better than Jill’s. They’d never stared into the eyes of the devil, but she had.

  “Lily, wait! You’re walking too fast! I don’t want to twist an ankle.”

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Jill was just trying to be nice. “I’m sorry, I was lost in thought.” She waited for the other woman.

  “Lily, I’m sorry. Of course God is everywhere, and the fact that you were able to hold onto your faith is commendable.”

  “Looks like we’re slowing down. I’m hungry. I’d best hurry and help Smitty.” She rushed off, relieved that Jill didn’t try to catch up to her this time.

  Smitty was already laying a fire for the nooning. Usually people ate a cold noon meal, but she remembered that Smitty almost always had a fire going. He smiled at her as she approached. “Did you enjoy walking with Jill?”

  “She is a nice woman. Her brother wants to save my soul tonight I believe.”

  Smitty laughed. “Let me guess, she talked your ear off, and her brother thinks you’re part heathen now.”

  Nodding she sighed. “I think his opinion is probably shared by most. Jill does tend to chatter, but I’m lucky to have someone willing to walk with me. When I was with the Sioux, I never felt as though I was truly accepted. Now here, it’s the same thing. These people will never look at me as a white woman again. Most are going on to Oregon I suppose?”

  “Almost all.” Smitty put the coffee on to boil. He nodded and greeted a few of the travelers who came to share his fire, ringing it in coffee pots of all types.

  There wasn’t much conversation, and she wondered if it was because of her. They probably used to visit and have a good time. The silence was awkward and it was a relief when they took their boiled coffee and left. Smitty handed her a hoe cake and she sat down and ate it with a relish. Nothing tasted so good to her.

  “Well, look at your smile!” Smitty exclaimed. “I’ll make hoecakes everyday if you’ll smile.”

  The sound of her light laughter was foreign to her, and she immediately stopped. “I’ve gotten out of the habit of smiling and laughing. I didn’t have much occasion to do either.” She wanted to frown but she kept a slight smile on her face for Smitty’s sake. Her demons were her own to fight. Fight them she would. Not knowing how she fit into the world was troubling, but she’d figure it out.

  Jed approached the fire, grabbed a cup, and squatted down. Nodding to them, he retrieved the coffee pot and filled his cup with steaming black liquid. “I tell ya, not one person lightened their load. They were told before we left to pack light. I know leaving things behind they think are necessary is hard, but it has to be done. One family had a heavy china cabinet that their uncle Samson made. It’s just things.”

  “I understand what you are saying, Jed. I know you are right about the lighter loads but sometimes things are all you have to hold on to. Some people say memories will always be with you, but no matter how hard or tight you try to hold on, memories can fade until you can’t capture them again. I often wished I had something of my mother’s with me when I was taken by the Sioux. They wouldn’t have allowed me to have it, but I wished anyway. I’ve forgotten the sound of her voice, and her face is hard for me to see anymore.”

  Heat flooded her cheeks when she realized she had a large audience listening to her. She was just a curiosity to them, and she didn’t feel like being their day’s entertainment. She turned and walked away from the crowded fire and went back to Jed’s wagon.

  “It hasn’t been easy for you, has it?” Rex asked. He leaned against the wagon’s tailgate. “How are you at driving? Owen hurt his wrist and is having a hard time driving this wagon. I can find someone else but I wanted to ask you first.”

  “Thank you, Rex. I can handle the wagon and the oxen.” She grabbed a jar filled with water, her sunbonnet and leather gloves, and placed them all on the front bench. After climbing up, she reached underneath to check for a rifle. It was there along with plenty of ammunition.

  Watching the others get ready to go ag
ain amused her. They wasted too much energy in useless movements, and it took them a very long time to pack up. In the Indian village, she could take down and set up a teepee in a matter of minutes. It had been a necessity. Of course, it had taken her plenty of hard hits on her back from a stick before she got it right, but she always tried to be a quick learner. She had indeed been quicker than many unfortunate captives.

  Jed stopped Paint next to her wagon and handed her biscuits wrapped in a bandana. “Smitty said you didn’t eat.”

  “I did have a hoecake earlier. Thank you.” She put them on the bench next to her.

  “If you need to hear your mother’s voice, listen to your own voice. You sound very much like her.” He turned Paint and rode away.

  Her heart warmed and she felt strangely comforted by his words. Soon enough she heard the words “Wagon ho!” They were off. The further they got from where the Sioux roamed the better. The sun beat down mercilessly, but the sunbonnet made a world of difference. She’d grown used to the weather extremes. Intolerable heat was much preferred to the bone freezing winters. The land they traveled through today was full of life. So much free flowing grass along with crystal-clear water. There was plenty of game if anyone had bothered to hunt. As the day grew shorter, she could see the barrenness of the land ahead. It was a big change but they’d get through it, especially with Jed leading them.

  They circled the wagons and she began to unharness and unyoke the oxen. She rubbed them down with the cool grass and made sure they had plenty of water. She’d make sure they had plenty of grass to eat. Sometimes they needed a little push in the right direction toward the better grass.

  She began to walk back, only to have Wanda step in her path.

  “You certainly know a lot about animals. Is it because you used to be one?” Wanda laughed.

  Shaking her head, Lily stopped. “We are all God’s creatures.”

  “Except for Indians.”

  Lily stared at Wanda, lifted her brow and tilted her head. “God even loves the addle-brained.” She heard an angry gasp as she pushed on by. This was just the start and it was already growing tiresome. Jill and Kurt Callen were waiting at her wagon. She was sorely tempted to hide, but they saw her. She slowed her pace, not eager to hear how they were going to save her soul.