The Secrets We Held

by Blair, E. K.

  “I hear ya. Micah’s at campus too, and Ady got an itch in her panties to teach herself how to cook.”

  “How’s that going?”

  He grabs the edge of my board, pulls me closer, and ducks his head so he’s almost pressed against me. “You smell that shit?”

  I grab a handful of his now ear-length wet hair and take a deep whiff. “All I smell is ocean water.”

  He draws back. “Wolfgang Schmuck decided to toss some bacon into the oven and not set a timer. She burnt the living shit out of it,” he complains. “Smoked out the whole condo and set off the alarm.”

  I laugh.

  “Everything smelled like charred ass.”

  “Poor Ady.”

  “Fuck that. Poor me.” He glances over my shoulder, kicks his legs to turn his board around, and starts paddling to catch the wave that’s coming while he hollers back to me, “See you later, masturbator!”

  I watch as he digs his hands into the water, pops up, and catches the wave, not realizing the huge smile on my face. He does a roundhouse kickback but he wipes out and jumps into the water.

  My energy lifts as he paddles back to me with a sarcastic, “You gonna sit on your cinnamon ring all day like a slacker?”

  Cutting the water with my hand, I splash him. “You are so gross!”

  He laughs and whips his head back and forth a couple of times to shake out the water. “Come on, let’s ride before the rain hits.”

  And with that, we paddle in different directions, parallel to the shore, so we don’t have to fight over the waves. Even if we aren’t talking, his presence out here changes the trajectory of my mood. Trent has a way about him, a calming ease that people around him feed off—including me. Vanished are my thoughts from earlier as I catch a killer ride while Trent yells nonsense at me and cheers me on.

  Slowly, the clouds roll in, kicking up the wind before it starts to sprinkle. We wait as long as we can before we paddle in, and when we reach the shore, I ask, “Have you seen any lightning?”

  With our boards tucked under our arms, we stand in the sand and look over the water.

  “I don’t see any,” he says.

  “Yeah, me neither.”

  Before we completely call it and head out, we take a minute to sit in the sand and watch the clouds as the sprinkles grow into heavier drops.

  “That was fun,” I tell him.

  “Yeah, you gotta stop avoiding coming out here.”

  “I’m not avoiding.”

  He gives me an animated yeah whatever look, and I rock into him, nudging my shoulder into his.

  “I’m serious,” he states. “You’ve been steering clear of me for so long that you’ve given me a complex.”

  “You’re far from having a complex.”

  “Tell me you haven’t been avoiding me then.”

  But I can’t, and he knows it.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  “Trent,” I start and then stop. Although he wears a smirk, I know he wouldn’t bring it up if it didn’t bother him, and I hate that I’m the one who’s deliberately acting this way, but I’m stuck between two guys who despise each other. I know he wants me to just own up and tell him the truth; a part of me wants that to, so I give him what I can to help take some of the blame off Caleb. “You’re right.”

  He shifts his focus off the water and puts it on me.

  “I have been avoiding you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because . . .” I pause; it isn’t easy to be straightforward with him. The two of us, we run around in circles with each other.

  “Tell me.”

  “That night at your party . . . when you kissed me . . .” My eyes find their way to the crashing waves, and I keep them there when I continue. “It kind of got me thinking that maybe you were interested.” I shake my head with a lifeless chuckle. “It was stupid to think that you would be, but it confused me. I didn’t like not knowing where I stood with you, and I felt like a needed space.”

  It takes me a moment to get the courage to face him, and when I do, I’m met with a sympathetic expression. “I’m sorry. I thought we were just having fun.”

  I nod.

  “It’s not in me to want to lead people on or hurt them.”

  “I know that.” I then give him a small smile, and he returns it. It’s an unspoken acknowledgement of understanding.

  He’s the first to break the connection when he takes a U-turn, asking, “So, are you going to blow me off tonight?”

  “Tonight?”

  “The party at Zach’s. Brody said you’d be there.”

  Shit.

  Last I heard, Trent wasn’t going at all, which is why I begged Caleb to go with me. He’s been over all the parties for some time now, but he agreed to come to Zach’s. I never would’ve pressed the issue as much as I did if I knew Trent was going to be there.

  “You don’t have to do what he tells you to.”

  “You think that’s what I do?”

  With utter confidence, he says, “I know it is.”

  “You’re wrong,” I defend, shaking my head.

  “Yeah?”

  I nod.

  He then stands as the clouds completely split open and the rain comes pouring down. “Then prove it,” is all he says before grabbing his board and jogging up the beach to his SUV, leaving me alone.

  I linger, letting the rain fall on me as the ocean churns. Now that Trent has left, my mood returns, but it’s heavier than it was before. I contemplate texting Caleb and making up some excuse as to why we should ditch the party, but I don’t want to keep tiptoeing around the beef the two of them have with each other.

  When I get back to my condo, I find Caleb studying at the bar in my kitchen. He’s had a key to my place for a week now and doesn’t hesitate to come over often.

  “There you are,” he says, looking up from his books.

  I take a second to prop my surfboard against the wall and then walk over to give him a kiss.

  “How was the beach?”

  “Peaceful,” I tell him as I head to my bathroom to toss my wetsuit over the shower rod. “How long have you been here?” I call out across the condo.

  “Not long. About twenty minutes or so.”

  When he strolls into the bedroom, I tell him, “I’m going to jump in the shower. Give me a few.”

  But he surprises me after only a couple of minutes when he slips in with me. We spend a good amount of time under the steamy water, making love.

  It’s indescribable how happy he makes me in moments like this when he abandons all his stress so that we give ourselves to each other. I swear, it’s the best feeling in the world. One I wouldn’t trade for anything.

  After a long nap, Caleb moves to the living room to order in dinner for us, and I take my time getting dressed. I end up in shorts, a strappy flowy top, and a pair of Chuck Taylors. Once I’m happy with how I look, I head out of my bedroom and find Caleb with a scowl on his face as he reads something on his phone.

  “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, just reading my emails.”

  I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water, and when Caleb stands from the couch, there’s agitation written all over his face. He can lie and tell me everything is fine, but when he’s upset, he wears it boldly.

  “Hey,” I say when he walks into the kitchen and takes the bottle from my hand before unscrewing the top and downing a few gulps. “I can tell there’s something wrong.”

  “We can talk about it later.”

  I’ve heard this from him so many times that I have to force myself not to show my annoyance. For almost our whole relationship, I’ve been out of the loop, and I wish he would just let me in on what the heck he keeps trying to push off.

  “What if I don’t want to talk about it later?”

  “Then we won’t talk about it at all.”

  “That’s not what I mean,” I say, taking the bottle out of his hand and setting it on the countertop. “Let’s talk ab
out it now.”

  “I don’t think now is a good time.”

  “I think it’s a perfect time,” I respond on the edge of firm. He stares at me as I wait for him to speak, but when he takes too long, I urge, “Just say it, Caleb.”

  “I’m moving back to Chicago after graduation.”

  And now it’s me who can’t speak because I’m too shocked to find words. All he has ever talked about was starting a new life for himself here in Miami, and now he’s moving back to the very place I thought he was trying to get away from.

  “What do you mean?” I ask because all my thoughts are nothing but a tornado in my head.

  “I mean exactly what I said. I already have a job lined up.”

  “Are you kidding me? Why? Why would you go back? I thought your plan was to stay here . . . with me.”

  “It was, but . . .”

  “But what?” I question as an emotion, lodged somewhere between angry and sad, punctures through my heart.

  He turns and takes a few steps away from me, raking his hand through his hair.

  “Talk to me!” I demand, my voice pitching.

  “It isn’t like I have much of a choice.”

  “Of course you have a choice.” I walk over to where he stands and step in front of him. “I don’t even need to ask if this has something to do with your father, do I?”

  “You don’t get it.”

  “No, I get it,” I tell him. “What I don’t get is why you’re letting him control you when you’re a grown man.”

  The muscles in his neck constrict with anger, but I’m mad too. Mad that he would make these plans and hide them from me.

  “He threatened my trust fund.”

  “So what? Who cares?”

  “I care!” he shouts.

  “It’s just money.”

  “Yeah, a lot of fucking money, Kate!” he snaps before pacing away again. “He’s the trustee; he controls it all.”

  Raising my arms in defeat, I then drop them back to my sides. “So what? You’re choosing money over me?”

  He quickly turns back to me. “No. It’s not that . . . it’s complicated.”

  “Then un-complicate it.”

  “They’re my parents, Kate. They’re the only family I have, and even though their methods are entirely off, I need them in my life.”

  It’s a stance I can’t argue with because it’s one I used with him over Thanksgiving. I just hate that they hold so much over his head, knowing he won’t turn his back on them. It’s so unfair.

  When he faces me again, he seems to have calmed a bit. “I want you to come with me.”

  I swear my jaw hits the floor. “I can’t.”

  “Don’t you love me?”

  “Why is it always about that, Caleb? Of course, I love you, but I still have two years of college. This is my home. This is where all my family and friends are.”

  “There’re schools in Illinois.”

  “Are you serious right now?” I screech, shocked that he isn’t seeing this as a big deal like I am. Heck, he doesn’t even seem to understand why I’m upset. Did he really think I would give up everything I’ve worked for to move to Chicago because his father threatened to take away his stupid trust fund?

  “I don’t want to lose you, Kate.” His head drops, and I don’t doubt that this has to be tearing him up on the inside. “I can’t,” he admits, his voice cracking.

  “You won’t,” I assure before hugging him. I’m still angry that he is choosing to allow his parents to threaten him like this, that he’s choosing money over me, and that he didn’t talk to me about it before he made his choice. “We’ll just . . . I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out.”

  We continue to hold each other, agreeing that we should drop it for now and enjoy tonight, promising that we’ll talk about it more tomorrow.

  My hand never leaves his as he drives across town to Zach’s house. My heart droops low in my chest while I try not to think about what it would feel like to lose Caleb. It’s the very last thing I want—to be without him—but I have no clue what the solution would be.

  When we turn down the street Zach lives on, we find the road packed with cars lining the curb. Eventually, we find a spot a block away, and after he parks the car, he unfastens his seatbelt and turns to me.

  “I need you to know that you are my world, and the only reason I didn’t tell you sooner was because I was scared to. I was afraid of how you would react.”

  As I slide my hand along his jaw, I feel the confliction that’s all around him. “I can understand that, but I need you to talk to me about this type of stuff, okay?”

  “I know. You’re right. I should’ve been upfront with you.”

  “And you’re not going to lose me.” I kiss him before adding, “I don’t know what the answer is, but I love you, and we’ll figure it out.”

  KATE

  Music pulses against the walls when we step into the party. Caleb goes to find us drinks, and when I scope the room, I’m surprised to spot Micah. Immediately, I start looking for Ady. I expect her to be right next to him, which she isn’t, so I make my way over to find out where she is.

  “Hey, Kate,” he greets, holding out his arm for a quick hug.

  “Hey, yourself. Is Ady here?”

  “You know better than to ask me that,” he jokes.

  “What is she doing tonight?”

  “Her mom is in town for the weekend, so she’s staying at the hotel with her.”

  When he jumps back in to conversation with his buddies, I look over my shoulder to see if Trent is around, nervous about him and Caleb crossing paths, but I come up empty.

  “Hey, babe,” Caleb says when he joins me, handing me a cup of beer.

  I catch Micah’s irritation when he glares at Caleb. I think it’s safe to assume that Trent told him about Caleb putting his hands on me, but I shake it off. What else can I do?

  We hang out and shoot the shit until a loud ruckus catches my attention. This time, when I peer over my shoulder, I see Trent smashing his beer bottle against some random girl’s, and when it erupts like a volcano, they start chugging. I watch as the foam spills out the sides of Trent’s mouth and onto the floor. The people around them cheer him and the girl on.

  “You made it,” Brody announces as he joins us, snapping my attention away from the scene across the room. “Dude, I’m feeling rejected,” he says through a chuckle.

  “What? Why?”

  “You didn’t tell me you and Trent were hitting the beach today. I would’ve come out with you guys.”

  Instantly, my insides go cold, and when I glance to Caleb, I feel the heat of his anger boiling. We haven’t even been here thirty minutes, and now I have to put out this fire.

  “I thought you were going by yourself?”

  “I did,” I tell Caleb. “I was about to pack up and leave and he just randomly showed up.”

  “How was it out there?” Brody asks.

  “Pretty decent.”

  Brody, who is clearly unimpressed by my answers, turns his attention to Micah, and Caleb takes a step away from the group.

  I follow him as he puts space between us and everyone else. “You lied to me,” he accuses.

  “No. I didn’t lie. Like I said, as I was leaving he showed up.”

  “So, why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Because it wasn’t a big deal.”

  He doesn’t like it when I say that, and he grabs my wrist, pulling me through the room. When we hit the hallway, he opens the first door on our left, which leads to a small bedroom, and shoves me inside. The door slams behind us, muffling the music, and I jerk my wrist out of his hold.

  “I thought I told you that I didn’t want the two of you hanging out.”

  “Caleb, relax. I wasn’t hanging out with him,” I say, already knowing that, even though this afternoon was completely innocent, he’ll never see it that way. “Like I said, he showed up as I was leaving.”

  “That isn’t how Brody made
it sound.”

  “Brody wasn’t even there, so how would he know?”

  He stares down at me as his chest rises and falls with halting, shallow breaths while he battles his anger.

  “I promise you, it wasn’t a big deal.”

  He turns his back to me and takes a few steps away, curling and uncurling his fists. It’s the same thing he does every time he loses his shit, and after our earlier conversation about Chicago, I fear this is a recipe for disaster.

  “Caleb, please—”

  “You lied!”

  “No, I didn’t. I swear.”

  “I give you everything!” he shouts. “And, yet, you still feel the need to sneak around with that piece of trash.”

  “He’s not—” I immediately stop myself from defending Trent, but Caleb doesn’t let it go.

  “He’s not what?”

  “Nothing.”

  With the look of the devil piercing through his eyes, he stalks toward me. “Say it, Kate. He’s not what?” he antagonizes, goading me to finish my broken thought, but I don’t because I know better, and that only ticks him off more. “Fucking say it!” He grabs me roughly by my arms, driving me backward and slamming me into the wall with so much force that my head ricochets against it, sending a splintering pain slicing through my skull and momentarily blinding me.

  “Caleb, stop!”

  He clamps my arms even tighter, catapulting me beyond the realm of panic.

  “Why do you do this to me? You think you’re fucking cute, whoring around and throwing it in my face?”

  “Stop! You’re hurting me!”

  “And you don’t think you’re hurting me?” He yanks me forward and throws me back once more. My vision blurs on impact, and I want to cry for help, but I’m too terrified.

  “Let me go!”

  He grips my jaw so viciously that my teeth skin the inside of my cheek, causing my mouth to bleed. He’s in a complete blackout rage at this point. His eyes darken while I jerk my body to try to get out of his hold, but he’s unrelenting.

  I’ve only seen him this furious a few times before, but after the last time, after he busted my lip open with his fist, he swore to me it would never happen again. Yet, here we are with him lost to whatever darkness lives inside him and with me getting treated like nothing more than a punching bag. I begin thrashing to get away, and in the very next second, the two of us are going at it, fighting against each other, but he’s so much stronger than I am.