by Holt, Leah
The front of the heart began to flash and sparkle with lights, the bright purple lighting lit up around the edges, dancing across it in waves. And my sister glowed. Her face went taut, eyes fixed on the mesmerizing flickers.
“That's pretty, Hun,” my mom said, leaning her weight into the door frame. Waving her hand to get Livie's attention, she traced the outline of her face with closed fingers and an open palm, letting her know she thought it was beautiful. “And you said you have coffee for me right?”
Laughing, I stood up and turned to her. “I sure do, with a shot of espresso.”
“You do love your mother, what a good daughter.” Running her fingers across my shoulder, she wrapped me in a side hug. “Livie will be busy for a while with that necklace, want to sit out back?”
“No, I can't stay.”
“Aw.” Her lips folded over, pouting. “I feel like I don't get to see you enough, do you have plans later?”
“Maybe.” Shrugging my shoulders, I tucked my hands into my back pockets.
Squinting one eye, my mother's mouth curled to one side. “Maybe? What's that mean, maybe?”
“I don't know, I might have plans. But I might not, I'm not sure if I'm going yet.”
“Who's the guy?”
“I never said it was with a guy.” A thin brow arched up my forehead, crinkles filling in at the corner.
“You didn't have to. I'm your mother remember?” Reaching for her coffee, she blew cool air over the opening. “So, tell me about him. What's his name?”
“Mom, really, it's nothing. I don't even know if I'm going to go.” Rolling my eyes, I let my head fall forward. I felt embarrassed a little, I never really liked talking about guys with my mom. It always felt weird to me.
How was I supposed to take advice from a woman who spent the last thirty years with the same man? I felt like she just didn't have any idea or could even remember what dating was like to begin with.
“Why do you do this? Why don't you like talking to me about your boyfriends?”
“One, he's not my boyfriend. Two, you haven't dated in over three decades, what could you possibly understand about new relationships?”
Chuckling, my mother ran her fingers through the edges of my hair. “Sweetheart, you're forgetting that I had a life before your father. And not to sound like a bitch, but you dating now, is absolutely no different than me dating back then. Things change in the world, but there's one thing that never changes...” Turning my shoulders towards her, she set her eyes firm on mine. “Men.”
She was right, I knew she was right. But it just wasn't something we talked about openly when I was growing up. I think for my dad, he just didn't want to ever think about his daughter and boys, and with my mom it just felt awkward. It also didn't help that her sense of humor was colorful... And blunt.
I didn't really even start dating till I was close to seventeen, and my brother made it even harder. All the guys I liked were either his friends or related to his friends, and to be quite frank...
When you're the girl version of your twin brother, guys looked at you different. It was like they thought that if they kissed me then it was like they kissed my brother. I can count at least four guys in high school who noted the resemblance of my brother and me.
So, dating... It was complicated on all angles.
“Look, if this ends up going anywhere I'll be sure to tell you, for now...” Bringing my hands up and pressing them firmly together, I begged, “Please, please, don't make it more than it needs to be.”
“I won't, Honey. Just remember to make sure he wraps it, you never know these days.” Gripping the styrofoam cup tightly, she said, “Men can be careless, you just never know.”
“Mom!” I yelled, a heavy gasp escaped my lips. “See? That's what I'm talking about.”
My mom began laughing, her lips unable to form around the edge. “What? I'm just making sure you're smart about it is all. And you know it wouldn't hurt for you to open up to someone. You spend too much time in your apartment, a little penis might do you some good.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I said, smiling as my head shook side to side. “Alright, I'm heading home before this penis talk goes any further. Tell dad I love him and I'll stop by again to see him soon.” Walking back over to Livie, I waved to say goodbye, and told her I loved her.
She was hugging her new necklace tight, fingers wrapped around the heart. I could see the lights reflecting off inside her hand, and the smile painted on her face was priceless.
After everything my family had been through, the hardships we faced for years from my sister and her health, then all the shit with my brother; I knew it was on me to keep Kevin's name clean.
My mother and father had enough to deal with; the less they knew about what he had gotten himself into the better.
I felt it was my duty, my heart, that had to bear the pain for his secret past. Kevin would've done the same thing for me.
That's what you do for your blood, for the same blood that runs through your veins.
And I would do anything to make sure his past was kept behind closed doors.
Chapter Three
Avni
“Stop it.” Throwing my head over my shoulder, I peered at Kevin through slit lids. “You're such an ass.”
“What?” He held his arms out, shoulders pulling into his ears. “I'm just fucking with you, you know that.”
“It's not funny, I'm serious. I really want you to teach me how to drive a stick.” Twisting around, my eyes opened dramatically.
“Now you need to stop. Those eyes quit working when we were ten. I'm still not comfortable getting in a car with you behind the wheel yet.”
“Come on, I've had my license just as long as you, and you're leaving tomorrow. You know Dad and Mom don't know how to drive a standard.” Skooching closer to my brother, I pressed my hands together firmly. “Please?”
“Is all this just so you can drive my car while I'm away? Because if it is...” Shaking his finger in my face, he let it bounce off my nose. “I'm not showing you shit.”
“That's not fair! You don't want your car to just sit stale for a year do you?” Furrowing my brows, I ruffled his hair and shoved his shoulder. “You really want to come home to a dead battery and a gunked up engine?”
Dragging his hand over his jaw, he shot me a steady glare. “You know you should have gone to school to be a lawyer or something. You're really good at plating bullshit and making it look like prime rib.”
My thin lips slid up my cheeks, tight and sealed against my face. Tilting my head I said, “Come on, stop being a jerk. Just teach me already, I'm not asking for too much. Besides, you're going to be gone for such a long time, we need to do one last thing together.”
“Fine, fine. Just stop begging me, you're getting on my nerves.” His hand flew up, waving aimlessly around.
“I'm supposed to get on your nerves, I'm your sister. And I think you're going to miss that anyway, especially being away for so long.”
“I don't think so, I'm going to bask in the peace and quiet.”
“You're going to Afghanistan, I don't exactly think you're going to be surrounded by tranquility and massage parlors.”
“No, but I'm not going to be hounded everyday by my annoying twin sister who doesn't have the balls to just jump into something and give it a try.”
“Excuse me.” The words drew out over my tongue, tone heightening with each syllable. “I'm sorry I'm not a risk taker like you, and I like to learn before jumping in feet first.”
“And that's why I'm Mom and Dad's favorite.” His lip curled playfully, brushing imaginary dirt off his shoulders.
“Fuck you, they only told you that one time so you wouldn't cry about coming in last at the track meet in high school. They were afraid you'd lose it and walk around sulking like a giant ass for months.” Smacking his shoulder, I said, “And they didn't want to have to pay for your therapy from it either.”
“Ha!” Kevin's head fell back,
teeth fully bared against the gums. “You can be such a bitch.”
“And that's why you'll miss me the most, my blatant honesty.” Folding my hands together, I batted my lashes innocently.
Kevin and I had always been honest with each other. That was the best part about having a twin, having that connection with one single person no one else around you could understand.
We loved each other, spent nearly every day together. Even during high school, our bond was unbreakable. He had not been just my brother, but also my best friend. So many people found that strange since we were brother and sister.
But I was a Tom boy, getting dirty didn't scare me. And with all the extra care our little sister needed, money was tight. So my brother and I would spend hours building shit in our dad's garage, or digging up worms to go fishing.
There wasn't much time in our childhood for our parents to drive us around to our friend's homes, or give us money to go do things. The two of us only had each other, and I would never change that. He understood me better than anyone else on earth.
“Alright, let's go.” Standing, Kevin shoved his wallet in his back pocket. Glancing over his dresser, he snatched the keys off the top and tossed them onto my lap.
“Really? Now?”
“Uh, yeah. I leave tomorrow, so unless you plan on calling the Army to ask them for an extension on my deployment, then we need to do this now.”
“I still can't believe you're going tomorrow. It's going to be weird not having you around for so long.” Shaking my head, I could feel my eyes start to fill, water balancing on the edge of my lids.
“Come on, don't do this. I'll be home before you know it.” Plopping back down beside me, he wrapped his arm over my shoulder. “I know I have to deal with the tears from Mom, but I need you to be strong.”
“It's just so fucked up, Kev. I still don't understand why you need go. There wasn't something you could do around here? Something that required a little less danger?”
“V, this is something I need to do. You don't need to like it, but I'm doing it for you, for every other mother, father, brother, sister. I'm doing it for our country, and it feels right.”
My brother was the only one who ever called me 'V,' he started that when we were just small kids. My mom used to say he was lazy with his words and that he made or created any shortcut he could when speaking.
V, that was one shortcut I didn't mind. But he was the only person to ever use that nickname for me. And it was killing me inside to know that after tomorrow, I wouldn't hear it in person for such a long time.
We had never been apart for more than a few days, until he joined the Army. Kevin had a dream one night, one that pointed him into the arms of the military. My parents were so proud of his decision, they thought it was a valiant thing to do for our country.
I felt very different.
Taking a deep breath, I held the tears back from falling. “Okay, I know. Let's go, teach me this crap before I get stuck having to learn on my own and burn your clutch out.”
Sitting in the driver's seat, I clicked the seat belt in. Looking over at Kevin, he expanded his lids to their limit, hands shaking as he buckled himself in. “Don't kill me.”
“Asshole,” I spat, smiling as he mocked me with fear of my driving.
“Alright, push the clutch in, and hold the brake.” Nodding my head, I pressed my feet down onto the pedals. “Now, pull the shifter back so it's not in gear and it's sitting in neutral.”
“How will I know it's in neutral?” I asked, gripping the knob tightly in my palm. Looking down at where the gear pattern had been at one point, the spot was now worn and bare.
“It'll have give to it, watch, just pull it back.” Placing his hand over mine, he jiggled the shifter. “See?”
“Yeah, I see what you're saying.”
“Alright, now start the engine.”
The motor turned over, roaring to life. Flicking my eyes up towards the house, I caught our mother standing in the window. Her eyes were lined with a smile, arms folded over her chest as she watched us in the road out front.
My mom's hand came up and gently cupped her lips, and even from that distance I could see the light tears cascading over her cheek bones.
Kevin was right, our mom was going to have a much harder time with him leaving than any of us. He was her baby boy, the only boy.
When they wrote the description of a mama's boy in the dictionary, they absolutely could have used my brother as the prime example.
“Now what?” Holding the wheel with two hands, I could feel my heart start to beat faster inside my chest. I wasn't exactly the best driver to begin with, so my nerves were on edge.
“Keep the brake and clutch pushed in, then push the shifter to the upper left into first gear.” His finger pointed at the spot where I assumed it once had the number one. Sliding the handle up, I felt it click into place. “Okay, here comes the tricky part.”
“Tricky part? Why? Why is this the tricky part?”
“You have to release the brake. Then while releasing the clutch give her some gas, but not too fast or the car will stall. Go gently till you feel the pull.” His hands mimicked my feet against the pedals, slowly raising one then pushing down the other.
“Here we go.” I whispered under my breath, letting the pressure lift off the balls of my feet. The car began to jerk, bouncing hard in the front end.
“Slower, slower, now give it some gas.” Kevin's palm fell to the dashboard, his body leaning over his lap. “More gas, more gas.” The car bucked and jumped, then the engine fell quiet. “Try again.” His finger raised up, twirling in a circle.
Repeating the same motion, I began to feel what he had been trying to explain. The car started to roll forward, my fingers tightening around the shifter.
Kevin pressed up in his seat, leaning over to look at the speedometer. “Alright, when you hear the engine start to turn high pitched, and the RPM's start to hit three or four grand, then shift into second.”
“Slow down, where's second gear?” My eyes darted between the center console and the road.
“Just pull it straight back.” The sound of the motor was growing, a whirring squeal was piercing my eardrums. “Now! Shift now!” he barked.
“Stop yelling at me!” Yanking the shifter back, a loud grinding noise filled the car. Panic hit my chest, the nerves in my body turned cold. “What the fuck is that?” I asked, pulling my foot off the gas, and the clutch.
As the car jumped and came to a violent halt, Kevin said, “That is the sound of you grinding the gears, V. Let's try to not do that.”
Suddenly, in the rearview mirror the blazing flash of red and blue hit my eyes. Snapping my head to the side mirror, there was a police officer who pulled up and stopped behind us.
“Fuck, Kev, it's a cop.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So?” My head whipped towards my brother, jaw hanging open. “Why is he here?”
“He probably saw your driving.” Smirking, he turned his head to his window and chuckled to himself.
Shaking my head, a soft tap against the glass sent a jolt into my heart. Fear was coating my gut, I hated getting into trouble. It always gave me an unsettled feeling, and when it came to the police... They just made me fucking nervous as hell.
Pressing the window button, it smoothly lowered. Kevin leaned over, and took control. He knew I'd be a ball of knots and jumbled words. “Hey officer, what can we do for you?”
“You can start by telling me what you guys are doing.” The man in the dark blue suit had a bright shining badge fixed to his chest. Wrapping his fingers over the edge of my window, he leaned down and was shooting his eyes all around the inside of the car.
“I'm teaching my sister here how to drive a stick, Sir.”
The cop's face that had been taut and stone, loosened. His eyes softened, and he started to laugh. “Ah, that explains the erratic driving then. Well, good luck with that, Son.” Slapping the roof of the car, he turned and hea
ded back to his vehicle.
My face must have been ghost white, I had felt all the blood drain down, my hands shaking against the wheel. And when I looked back over at Kevin, he was laughing harder than I think I'd ever seen before.
“What is so fucking funny?” I spat.
“Honestly, your face. You should've seen your face!” Tears began to stream down from his eyes, his guttural laugh was coming out so hard he was struggling to breathe. “See? It was your driving.”
“Fuck you.” Yanking up the emergency brake, I threw open the door and stormed off towards the house.
“V! Come on, V, it was funny!” His head rested on the bottom of the window frame, arms hanging out over the door. “Come back, you need to keep trying.”
Not turning to look at him, I threw my hand up and flipped him off.
I don't even think I was really pissed at him for laughing the way he did. I honestly thought it was more my resentment for his leaving the next day. I had been edgy all week. Fuck, I was edgy all month!
And when that day had finally come, I wanted to run into a dark room and hide.
My mom was holding the trim of his ACU jacket, folding the collar over and smoothing it against his chest. “Kevin, be safe out there. We're all very proud of you, but come home safe to us.” Her lips had scrunched up tight, small sniffles followed each inhale.
“I promise, I'll come home safe. I'll be fine, Mom. This is what I was meant to do, trained to do. I'm going to protect people, that's my job.”
Wrapping his large fingers over Kevin's shoulder, my father gently shook him. “You're going to do what others wish they had the strength to do. I'm so proud of you, Son.” Embracing my brother, my dad wept quietly into his shoulder.
My dad never cried, I had only seen him cry two other times in my life; the day my sister was born, and the day my grandmother died. But even those tears didn't compare to the ones that rained down knowing his son was heading into war.
Flicking his eyes at me, Kevin stood with a delicate smile. “V, when I get back we're going to finish teaching you how to drive a stick. So don't touch my car while I'm gone, we need something to work with when I get home.” Holding his arm out, he pulled me into his chest.
