by Holt, Leah
When I was next to him my muscles trembled, all my insides turned into a boiling inferno. And as much as I wanted to let him explore every inch of me, I just couldn't.
The kiss we had, the way he coiled around my tongue with his; it was electric. I was literally melting inside like hot wax, and he could fucking tell.
I had tried so hard to keep my mind clear and focused, but Levi turned my brain into a sloppy wet mess.
And the little spark set deep inside my gut, the one that I had used to keep myself locked up, and closed off was growing smaller by the minute.
When I finally poured gas back on the fire, it didn't have the impact I wanted it to.
I wanted to feel that safety net, keep myself wrapped behind barbwire. Untouchable to anything or anyone that tried to climb over.
Instead, Levi's face was the flame burning inside me, and that scared the hell out of me.
I knew what was holding me back; fear.
Fear of feeling, fear of loving, fear of losing.
Losing someone close was what kept me bottled up, it kept me safe. If I didn't open the door to anyone else, there was no way I would ever experience that again.
Yes, I still had my parents, and my little sister; all capable of that rapid slash of pain when they were called back to their creator. But I had prepared myself for that, that moment when it was their time.
There was no room left inside me to feel for anyone else. I couldn't give myself to Levi. He might not understand why, but I didn't care.
It wasn't him I needed to protect, it was me.
Rolling to my back, my eyes fell to the picture on my bookshelf. An old tattered photo, that barely made it back into my hands. The corners were ripped, large folds creased across the center image.
And in the middle were two faces; the faces of two innocent children.
It was Kevin and me, taken almost ten years ago. We were thirteen, and you could see in our eyes that we didn't have a care in the world.
Pressing off the bed, I held the curved, hard trim of the mattress. Letting my feet swing freely, I just sank into the picture; the day it was taken, the feeling of complete and utter happiness.
We were fishing, arms wrapped over each others shoulders, holding up our catches from the trip. And the smiles, they were streaming with such ease.
Staring at that image, I could feel my belly warm; feel everything I had felt in that moment. It was like it had just happened, like that picture was taken days ago instead of years ago.
Before Kevin was gone, before I lost the one and only person who ever truly understood me; I knew what happiness was, and I embraced it.
Now... Now I just wanted to forget it ever existed.
A part of me felt like it was wrong for me to be happy, or to love. It's so much easier to feel nothing. When there's nothing to feel, there's nothing that hurts. And I still haven't stopped hurting from the loss that took our family by storm.
Closing my eyes tight, Levi hung brightly behind the curtain; his broad shoulders that wrapped my body perfectly, the tender touch of his lips as they met mine.
My throat began to seal shut, the intense tingles that hit me in the core just thinking about our kiss made it hard to breathe. I wanted to give myself to him, let his cock penetrate me as deep as it could go.
There was something about him that was sticking in my head, and I couldn't force him out. The way his chest rippled with vigor when he moved, he was a magnet to my fingers. Every digit wanted to stroke his abs, curl tightly over the engorged ridges of inviolable muscle.
I need some air. There's too much going on in my head.
Thinking had become difficult lately. I had Vito barking up my ass for the money my brother owed him, Levi tugging on the emotions I had tucked away a very long time ago, and it was becoming too much to handle.
Love was something I wanted to forget, connecting with another human being was something I wanted to avoid.
Kevin had been my best friend, someone I could confide in, someone I could trust. And when everything came out, the debt, the lying, the deception he plagued our family with; I let all those feelings get buried with him.
If in the end I couldn't even trust my brother, the man who put his life on the line for ours, the one who I thought told me everything and never kept a single secret...
How was I supposed to trust anyone at all?
How could I ever trust that Levi wouldn't do the same?
Walking to the front door, I grabbed T's leash. “T,” I called out, jingling the long black cord. “Come on, let's go for a walk.”
I heard his tiny feet scamper out from the kitchen, clinking across the wood floor. In a blink he was sitting at my feet, wagging his tail.
Clipping the metal onto his collar, I opened the door. The sun felt fresh and warm on my face, the breeze sent a rush of cool air down my throat.
Hitting the pavement, I let my dog lead the way. It didn't matter to me where we went, so long as it took me far away from what was running through my head.
Passing by a little flower stand, the bright Bluestar flowers caught my eye. Kevin's favorite color was blue, and it had been a little while since I'd gone to see him.
What better day than today? I needed some guidance, and if anyone could give it to me, it was Kevin.
As much as he was a pain in my ass, and obviously didn't make the best choices himself (Vito had been a perfect example of that) Kevin was really good at helping me work through issues in my life.
Ironic really, how someone who made irresponsible decisions, and left his sister with a royal fucking mess, could give the best advice.
He couldn't control his own existence, but Kevin sure knew how to make me feel better. Everyone always said it was our twin connection. He could read me like a fucking book, even if I tried to hide it. And when he talked, it always calmed me down.
I could listen to him, hear the actual words he was saying, and he always knew what to do.
So many times I had wished he had come to me before he got himself into the mess with Vito, I was sure I could have given him the same help and guidance he always gave me. I never understood why he didn't, why he kept that secret from me.
Despite how pissed I was after Vito showed up in my world, demanding the money my brother owed him, I still needed Kevin in my life.
Although, his advice now needed to come from the graces of God. It was a long shot that he'd be able to help me, but I really had no one else to turn to.
He was still my brother, always my brother.
And if I spent my time with him just yelling obscenities at a blank expression, so be it. Even a little screaming might help release some of the tension gripping my spine.
What did I have to lose?
Pulling my card from my wallet, I bought a small bouquet of flowers, and headed towards the cemetary.
It was a short distance away, about twenty minutes on foot. And the sounds surrounding me were welcomed into my ears.
On most days the hustle and bustle of the street, the multitude of cars, and the constant noises of construction, were irritating.
Usually I would cuss at the annoying sounds, flipping off my window in the early morning when the new building going up across the street came to life at the bright hour of seven.
But not today, today those sounds filled my brain with something other than my own voice. And for the first time ever, I thanked Frank's construction as I walked by the dirt parking lot.
The soft tap of my sneakers against the asphalt broke into my ears, a dulled tempo beat through the repeating smacks of my soles. I started counting the hits, humming to the music of my feet as I walked.
The gray stone wall emerged over the hill in front of me, the rusty iron gate clanked in place as the wind blew it against the latch holding it closed.
Even though it had been months since I had been to visit my brother, everything still looked the same.
The grass was trimmed short, the trees were pruned to look l
ike they belonged in a magazine, even the walking path was manicured to perfection.
No stone seemed out of place, they all looked meticulously carved into the dirt, resting in the notches the earth had created for that individual piece of rock.
Following the path down, my dog knew the way by heart. He had come with me so many times before, T knew exactly where we needed to go.
Which was perfect, I still didn't want to have to think, I was more than happy to let him lead the way.
I could feel my palms begin to clam up, tongue swelling in the back of my throat. Squeezing firmly around the stems of the flowers, I swallowed hard. I wasn't sure why I had suddenly felt so nervous.
But I did.
My stomach was churning with knots, my chest was heavy, and I was having trouble breathing. I hated that feeling, that uncomfortable aching that started to flood my body.
You've been here so many times before, Avni. Relax.
But this feeling hit me every time I stepped foot inside those walls. I knew it would subside, knew it would eventually fade.
The question I always found myself asking was; 'How long till I accept this?'
Accepting my brother's fate was the hardest thing I ever had to deal with. And no matter how many times I reminded myself that I couldn't change a damn thing, I haven't been able to move past it.
And I'm not sure I ever would.
There was a hole in my life, a hole in my heart. My best friend had been swept up, yanked from my grasp.
I always knew life was unpredictable, I just never had it thrown in my face like that.
When you're a kid you think you're unstoppable, that nothing bad will ever happen to you, or anyone you love.
Not in your world, no it couldn't possibly happen to you.
But it can, and for me...
It changed everything.
Chapter Eight
Levi
Avni had sent me away, she said I was wrong about how she felt. But I knew the truth, I knew what she was feeling.
I wasn't wrong, I could see it, she had it painted all over her body. Her thighs had separated, her chest was rising and falling with wanton need.
The sparkle in her eye was a burst that reflected all the hints of color that made up her brown gaze. I watched the tints of orange, the deep yellows, the splashes of gold, all under veiled lids as she tried to regain control of her body.
And why? Because I was seeping into her, every piece of her was screaming to let me in. But I couldn't understand why she was so resistant, what was holding her back from letting me take her.
Was it all because I was a soldier? It just didn't make sense.
The kiss we had, the passion that streamed to life when our lips touched, it sent a surge through my cock. I was hard the instant her soft skin pressed against mine, and I ached to feel how warm her pussy was when it pulled me in.
Kicking a flattened can across the sidewalk, I drove my hands into my pockets. I was determined to figure her out, and once I did...
Avni was going to be devoured.
I wanted nothing more than to feel all of her, feel her lips wrap around my thick shaft.
In my head I saw myself tracing my fingers across her stomach, watching her shiver and shake as I made my way down to her pussy. I would dip my fingers inside slowly, tease her till she was screaming for me to fuck her.
The quiet of the street had taken me by surprise. I had just been listening to the rampaging sound of a power drill hitting pavement.
Now, all I could hear was the soft hum of wind whispering in my ears.
Looking around, I noticed I'd wandered off course. I had been heading home, but in the end I had walked well past where my place was. Glancing at my phone, I realized I had been walking for over an hour.
There was a large sign ahead, an old green brass sign that read Glenwood. The words were scripted across the top in an arch, the walls holding up the large metal structure were breaking away at the corners.
And off in the distance I heard screaming, a loud screeching yell that was hitting my eardrums.
But it didn't sound like a distressed call, it sounded angry, and harsh. Not the type of sound I expected to hear radiating from inside those walls.
Curiosity had stretched around my insides, I had to see what the hell was going on in there.
The pitch of the voice was rattling off in an echo, getting higher, then lower. The tone floated over the wind, following the swirls of the breeze up around the trees as they blew side to side.
What the hell is going on? Why are they yelling like that?
Stepping through the gate, I followed the path towards the voice. Straining to hear the words that made up the sound, I was able to piece together some of what was being said.
'How could you?! You left us and left me! You're an asshole!'
Slowing my pace, I crept down the beaten path, still taking in the anger behind the voice.
'We needed you, we all needed you! But you had to go, had to go and put yourself in that situation! And you left me with this? I haven't told Mom or Dad, I can't. They think you're a fucking saint, a true hero.'
Rounding the corner, I stopped short. The woman's back was facing me, but I knew instantly who it was...
Avni.
Who is she talking to? Why is she here yelling at the top of her lungs in a cemetery?
Her head was hanging down, arms fitted to her hips. Her legs were twitching, one foot would lift up and come down, then the other repeated the same motion.
She looked like a child throwing a temper tantrum, stomping her feet in a rage. T was sitting by her side, ears lifted, head cocked up just watching her.
Avni's voice turned to a soft plea, a delicate strain for forgiveness. “I'm sorry, I'm just really pissed. This shit sucks, Kev. And I don't know what the fuck to do. I wish I could just see you one more time, or hear you what you have to say.”
Her shoulders slumped forward, neck curving lower to her chest. “I know you did the right thing, I don't want you to think I don't. But it just sucks, I never saw this coming. And I guess I should have.”
Stepping closer, the small break of a branch snapped under my foot. Her tiny protector jumped a mile, whipping around and growling briefly.
Avni spun on one foot, her hair spreading across her face, blocking her view for a moment. Throwing her hands up to swipe the strands away, her eyes grew to the size of the sun.
She looked shocked, angry, sad; a mix of so many different emotions had swept her face.
“Hey,” I said awkwardly. I wasn't sure what to say exactly, and she definitely didn't expect to see me there.
Digging a hand deeper into my pocket, the other flew up cupping the back of my neck.
“Are you following me now?” The question pushed off her tongue with force, brows knitted in a frown. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“No, no I'm not. I was walking by, and I heard yelling. I didn't know it was you, not until I came around the corner.” Stepping in, I anchored her attention. “Are you alright?”
“I'm fine.” Crossing her arms over her chest, she tucked her hands in deep. “Can you please go now?”
“Are you sure? Who are you yelling at?” Leaning in over her shoulder, I looked towards the ground.
A small square headstone was laid behind her, a bright bushel of blue flowers were spread across the grass in front. My eyes flicked across the name set deep into the stone.
Kevin Boyd:
January twenty-first, nineteen ninety-three to March thirteenth, two-thousand fifteen.
Beloved son, brother, and soldier.
“Love conquers all, and all conquers life.”
My muscles tensed, heart leaping into my gut. No, there's no way.
Searching the depths of her face, Avni bit at her thumbnail. Her eyes were shining like glass, holding back the tears I knew had been streaming before.
I could see the streaks through her makeup, the small trails had created thin
river shaped stencils over her skin. Each one swept in a different direction, rolling over her cheeks and breaking off at her chin.
“I was yelling at my brother, his name was Kevin.”
“I'm sorry, I had no idea.” Dragging my fingers through my hair, I tugged it tight against my skull. “Honestly, after everything you said about Vito, I thought your brother was locked up.”
Tell her. Tell her.
No. Not now.
Shaking her head no, Avni's eyes darted over the light gray stone. “No, not jail. He...” Inhaling a large breath of air, she exhaled hard in one large whoosh. “He was a soldier, just like you.”
“What happened?” Holding my hand up, it bounced in the air. “I'm sorry, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Forget I asked.”
“No, it's okay.” Her hands fell to rest on her lower back, hips swaying nervously. “Kevin was on active duty, stationed in Afghanistan. He was doing a patrol with a few other guys from his section and well...” Pausing, she tugged at her bottom lip. “They hit an IED, and he didn't make it.” A soft tear escaped her lid, cresting the edge and riding over her cheek. Wiping it away, Avni rubbed her palm against her thigh. “We were twins, losing him has been really tough on me.”
Suddenly, it all started to make sense. Her refusal to let me in, her stiff emotions when she found out I was a soldier.
It was all sinking in, everything she had said, how she had acted. “So this is why, this is why you were so upset over me being a soldier?”
I wanted to grab her, cradle her in my arms. Say anything and everything I could to make her pain disappear.
Her lips turned down, pulling tight against her face. “Yes. I know what happens, and I know how much it hurts.”
“Avni, just because your brother—”
“Stop, just stop.” Flipping her hand up, her eyes shot towards the sky. “I don't want to get into this.”
Sliding my hand over my jaw, I gripped my chin. “You can't close yourself off because you lost someone you love.”
“No? Why not?” Avni's back snapped straight, arms hanging tight by her side. “Who are you to tell me what I should or shouldn't do?”
“I'm someone who knows what you're feeling, I understand what you've been through.”
