by Holt, Leah
“Shh, Avni, it's alright. This is not your fault. I know about what was happening to you, Levi told me. This is not your fault.” Cradling my head, she let the soft hum of her tone fill my mind. “This was not your fault, Levi knew the risks. And he would do it again in a heartbeat if it meant you'd be safe.”
“He told you?”
Nodding her head, she buried her face into my back. “Levi made his own choices, even if you tried to stop him, it wouldn't have worked. He' strong, Avni. All we can do is pray he knows how strong he is.”
Coiling around the woman I had only met minutes before, she felt warm and welcoming. We needed each other in that moment, needed each other to lean on.
The two of us latched onto each other like we were mother and daughter. It didn't matter that I didn't know her, she knew what I meant to Levi, and I hoped she could see what he meant to me.
I loved him like you need air to live.
I loved him like my life wasn't just mine anymore...
It was our life.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Avni
Two Months Later
The hospital was the quietest I had ever heard it. There were no sounds crossing the long corridors, no nurses floating around on swift feet.
There was nothing but silence. No one wanted this, not a single soul wanted today to come. I tried my hardest to push it further away, for more time.
It was too soon! I wasn't ready for the task ahead of us.
The elevator doors had opened for me way too fast. I wanted them to seal shut, keep the outside world from clawing in and tainting my world.
And I didn't expect the sight that met my eyes as the heavy metal slid open.
The long hall was eerily silent, with men dressed in full Army gear lined as far as I could see.
They created a man made tunnel, covering each wall, blocking every station. There was nothing but green and tan, and muscle. Their heads were held straight forward, hats tipped slightly forward over their foreheads.
I froze, standing in awe.
All this? Levi really made an impression in his career. He must have meant a lot to many people.
Crossing the floor, the hard snap of my feet against the shiny tiles echoed in the gaping silence. None of the men moved, only their eyes. They followed me one by one as I made my way to Levi's room.
I'm not ready. I'll never be ready.
What was worse—Knowing death was at your door, or having it smack you blind when you least saw it coming?
The answer was neither.
It all hurt the same.
Nothing was easy when it came death. Knowing beforehand, or not knowing at all until the moment it happened.
The pain stayed, boring a hole into your heart and stealing a piece of your soul.
Squeezing the long green stem of my flower, I stepped into Levi's room. The eerie silence was even more deafening inside those four walls than in the hall.
Diane was cowered in the corner chair, hands crumpled beneath wads of tissue. My family had come too, the support from them was incredible.
My mom held out her hand, squeezing my arm. I was trying to be strong, but the small bundle growing inside me only made me cringe at the thought of Levi being gone forever.
I was carrying someone who would never know the man I did, they would never grow up with their father, never get to live side by side in an endless love with the man who provided them life.
I had spent every waking moment I could at the hospital after Levi's accident. Well, not really an accident. It was a final stance, he hadn't thrown the white flag, he ran in full force.
An American flag was hanging proudly over his bed, cards riddled any open space around him. I had already cried so much, I didn't think there were any tears left to spill.
But in one blink, they shed from my zombie gaze, and trailed quietly down my cheeks.
The doctors had convinced Levi's mother that she had to make a tough decision. They told her it was unlikely that he'd ever come out of the coma, and that the machines were all that were even keeping him alive.
Diane had to decide to let him go, or let him stay. The woman who had breathed life into this man was the one who had to decide to take it away.
It wasn't fair.
It was a weight that must have felt like carrying a two ton truck. She didn't want him to be living if he really wasn't living. I cried trying to convince her to give him more time, he needed time to heal.
But the doctors told her it had been long enough, and they didn't want to hide anything from her. They didn't want to fill her with a false sense that things would get better. They didn't think he'd survive once the machines were turned off.
That day was one I never wanted to relive, and I would never forget.
Levi's mother, my mother, sister, father, and myself all crowded around his bed. The corridor outside his room was filled with unknown soldiers there to pay respects to a fallen brother.
The sight was one of beauty and sadness. His life had made a mark, his worlds had collided into one giant mass.
And everyone came to send him off onto his next journey.
“It's time, Diane. Are you ready?” Dr. Gough lifted his head from the clipboard, ruffling his hair anxiously.
Placing a long stemmed blue flower across his chest, I let my eyes weep the words I could never say out loud.
Levi, I don't want to say this, I can't say this... But I have to.
Goodbye.
I love you.
And you will forever live in my heart, in our child, in the lives of the many people you saved.
You broke into my world, you gave me strength and power. You helped me feel again, Levi.
Without you, without the imprint you made in my life... I wouldn't have the joy of being a mother to our child. Without you...
Without you I'm nothing. But I won't give up.
I will live everyday like it's my last, I won't take advantage of what I've been given.
And I will love our child, endlessly and unconditionally I will love our baby.
A piece of my heart will always be yours.
And a piece of you will always be mine.
I love you.
Closing my eyes, a final tear splashed from my chin onto his chest. The small droplet absorbed into the cloth over his heart.
And in a way, I felt like he had grabbed that tear, stole it from the outside world to keep with him forever.
“It's time,” the doctor said quietly, placing a strong hand on Diane's shoulder.
Her body was shaking, convulsing uncontrollably as she stood beside her son. Kissing his forehead gently, she brushed his hair back, whispering into his ear.
The last words she would ever speak to her son, the last words she would ever give to the man; child, boy, baby she had raised by her own hand. Her tender touch against his hair sent chills over my spine.
Looking up at my mother, her eyes had welled with tears. She knew exactly what Levi's mother was feeling, what emotions were teeming inside her core.
The anger, the pain, the sadness, it was a giant ball of sorrow that could never be cast away. It would remain there, impenetrable to all other feelings that might try to come to life.
My parents were holding each other tight, Livie squished firmly between them. My father stood, eyes wide, face motionless.
Then it happened, a single tear fell from his eye, followed by another, then another. A soundless cry for Levi, for the man who gave him a grandchild.
A soundless cry for Kevin, for the son he had lost.
And for the one he never had the chance to embrace.
Dr. Gough reached his arm out, turning off the ventilator. A quick flip of his wrist silenced the machine, followed by another click.
The hard metal around us went dead, a life being snuffed out by the denial of electrical charge. The long hum and an endless flat line flickered across the screen.
“Time?” The doctor called out.
; “Three—”
'Beep.'
'Beep.'
'Beep.'
Chapter Twenty-Four
Avni
Four months in the coma
“Hi, Dr. Gough, how is he today?” Placing a fresh bouquet of blue flowers into the vase on the small table, I moved them around, rearranging them to look like an exploding firework.
“The same as he has been, Avni. No changes, which is good and bad.”
My head fell to my shoulder, brow twisting up high. “Good and bad?”
“Avni, I know you hold high hopes that Levi will come out of this, but nothing is guaranteed. And even if he does—”
“When he does—I'll be here for him, regardless.” Flaring my nostrils, I hated how the doctors were so dismal in their belief he'd wake up and be his normal self.
Miracles can happen, one did already.
The machines had been extinguished, his life line yanked from his soundless mouth.
Then it happened, the flat line hit a turbulent bump. The screen jumped to life, the thin green line darting up and down.
He wasn't gone yet.
He was breathing on his own.
“Avni, I know you want to believe everything will be fine. And trust me that's not a bad thing, but you need to prepare yourself for what his life might be like when—or if— he wakes up.” Folding his pen into his hand, Dr. Gough stepped to Levi's side. Lifting his lid, he shined a light into his pupil, then did the same with the other.
“Do his eyes look different? Is he responding to the light?”
“His pupil's are dilating, which is good. But we still don't know how much damage has been done to his brain. And until he wakes up, we won't know for sure.”
Collapsing into the chair beside Levi, I held the bump that had emerged in what seemed like over night. I was almost six months along, and finally able to really feel the baby kicking.
At first the flutters felt strange, it was foreign. And until you feel it for yourself, it's the most unexplainable sensation to have.
Grabbing Levi's hand, I pressed it firmly against my growing tummy. “Feel her, Levi? She's been kicking me all damn day. I think she might be a soccer player with how she handles my kidneys.” Giggling, I draped my head against his chest.
He was alive and breathing, he was still here. And each day he took stronger breaths, each day his heart beat harder.
I loved to listen to his lungs fill, to the thumping that beat not only in his chest, but in mine too. He didn't leave me, he held on.
Levi was stronger than I think anyone had ever realized. It wasn't his time, he wasn't ready.
And I thanked whatever force kept him here.
Deep down, I knew he wasn't out of danger, the doctors made that clear. But every day it seemed he grew firmer, cementing his life back into the world he wanted.
“So, I was thinking of names for our daughter—” Squinting my eyes, a delicate, barely visible twitch hit his hand. “Did you just move?” I sat watching, waiting to see if I had just imagined him moving his finger.
The longer I stared and nothing happened, the more I came to believe it was just my mind playing tricks on me. It wouldn't be the first time.
Last week I thought he smiled, but the doctors assured me it was just a rapid pulsation of his muscle. Completely out of his control, it was a glorified muscle spasm.
Come on, just open your eyes. Please! Just give us some sign you're still in there!
My heart would race every single time I made my way to the hospital, my brain would beg and plead for him to be awake. Anticipation of walking in, seeing him sitting up and smiling would eat away at my gut.
But it never came, he was always positioned exactly the same.
Except for the few times I was there during physical therapy to keep his blood flowing properly, or to make sure he didn't get any sores from being stagnant for so long.
Closing my eyes, I placed my head in the one spot I could hear him, his strong chest. Even without him moving for so long his muscles still felt like steel, they were strong. He was strong, I was strong.
All of this had changed me, changed me from the closed bud of a flower to an open bloom ready to heed the next sunrise. I went from scolding the world around me to welcoming it in all its forms.
The good, the bad, the hatred and the love. That was what life was, that was how I knew I was living.
And that was what Levi had been trying to tell me, trying to show me. He opened my eyes to a new dawn, and I wasn't about to let that light get snuffed out.
In a few months I'd be bringing another life into this world, and I don't think I ever prayed so much in my life for something.
I wanted Levi to be there, I wanted him to see our child as she took in her first breath, her first cry, her first everything.
Another swift, but visible jerk of his arm caught my fingers.
That wasn't my imagination. That was real, he moved.
My lungs froze as I shifted my eyes from his arm to his face. It still looked like he was sleeping, resting peacefully inside a deep deep dream.
A gentle flutter of his eyes behind his lids sent static across my skin, my hair shooting up with prickles.
He hasn't done that yet, he hasn't moved his eyes.
“Dr. Gough! Dr. Gough!” I yelled, jumping from my chair. My hands scanned his body, feeling for anymore movement, any twinge of his muscles taking shape in motion.
“Avni, is everything alright?” The doctor soared into the room, his jacket flowing behind him like a white cape.
“Levi... He moved, his hand, his arm, they moved.”
“Avni, it's probably just his muscles and their electrical pul—”
“No! Look at his eyes, he hasn't done that before.” My anxiety was in a race with my adrenaline. Veins were engorging with fire, solidifying with ice. My heart was racing and stopping between beats.
Dr. Gough hovered over Levi, his deep gray hair falling like feathers across his brows. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, jaw turning to the side.
Lifting his stethoscope, he spotted it across Levi's body, listening, and watching. It was as if he had forgotten I was there, his gaze fixated on his patient.
Moving around me like I was a ghost in the shadows, the doctor drifted around the bed in a mesmerized state of crisp clarity.
“Well? What does that mean?” My arms hugged my ribs, legs shaking beneath my waist.
Could he wake up? Would he wake up?
“It's hard to say, the rapid movement of his eyes could be another muscle spasm. All his vitals look good, and the electrical impulses in his brain are steady. So for now, we wait. That's all we can do. But he's a fighter alright.” Wrapping his stethoscope around his neck, he wrote in Levi's chart and headed back into the hustle and bustle of the hall.
Come on! Come back to me, Levi!
Slipping back into the seat that had claimed me for endless nights, I twined my fingers into his. I tried to touch him and talk to him as much as I could.
He was in there, locked inside his own head. But I felt him, I could feel him with me everyday.
And I wasn't giving up on him, ever.
It didn't matter to me what form of Levi would come back, so long as he did. I would be right by his side, forever.
I would be there to care for him, to tend to him if he needed extensive help. If Levi woke up and needed me to feed him, clean him, care for him...
There was nothing that could push me away from him anymore. I would be there.
Leaning my head on the inside of my arm, I cuddled as close to his body as I could. After having to figure out how best to sit in that hospital recliner for months, I had it down to a science.
Snuggling against his arm, my eyes began to feel heavy. Pregnancy took one hell of a toll on my body. I could literally do nothing all day, and still feel like I ran a damn marathon. I was drained, achy, ankles starting to swell.
Ankles... I almost forgot what they looked like. My l
egs went from calf to foot, there was no more ankle popping out from anywhere.
Letting my tired body consume me, I fell to sleep in his arms. Just like I had so many times before, and it still felt perfect.
Isn't it strange how time can seem to fly when you're asleep? Or time could remain completely still, frozen in motion.
There were days I fell asleep and would be out for hours, then other days I would sleep for mere minutes and wake to think I was out forever.
A soft tickle hit my scalp, my hair sliding across my cheek like a spider web that's hidden and crosses your path. Fingers brushed through my hair, gently making their way down my neck.
A shiver broke across my body, my eyes opening slowly in a daze. The hand hit my back, gliding over my spine and crawling back up.
Pushing my eyes open, I searched the room behind me. But no outlines took shape, no one was standing over me.
But the hands, they continued to caress my neck, a thumb circled over my shoulder. Confusion filled my mind, a mix of daydreaming and reality fogged my vision.
I was being touched, but no one was there. Levi's mom wasn't coming back till later that evening, and my parents planned on coming up in a day or two.
What the hell? What is that?
Rubbing my eyes, I shook my head and smacked my face. I needed a coffee, decaf of course. I already had my allotted one caffeinated beverage for the day.
“You probably shouldn't do that. I bet it hurts.” A dry cracked whisper broke over my shoulder.
Tilting my head, I twisted around. And immediately burst into tears.
Shock, disbelief, happiness, and fear... It all hit me hard.
I had to be dreaming, this wasn't happening.
It had to be my prego brain taking hold and driving me into delusions.
Why? Why would my brain torture me with complete happiness?
When I wake up it's all going to be sucked away, and I'll be left wishing.
Fear, I hated fear. The one emotion I valued and banished to hell in one breath.
But I'm not dreaming.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Levi
Fuck!
My ribs burned with fear, my lungs were shriveling as sand ate up the oxygen around me. This wasn't happening, it couldn't be happening.
