Breaking Spade

by Harley Stone

  “Wouldn’t we all?” Carly asked.

  “Haven’t you heard? Neither carbs nor calories count during girls’ night,” Julia informed me. “It’s in the rule book.”

  “Hear, hear.” Emily raised her glass. “I know nothing of this rule book of which you speak, but I like it.”

  “Most liquor doesn’t have carbs,” Shari said. “Just stay away from the sugary mixers and you’ll be fine. I can drop a shot in a diet coke, pour you something over ice, or make it neat.”

  “Neat?” It was like she was speaking a different language. “I don’t even know what that means.”

  “It means you can’t spill it,” Jayson said. “Ever. As long as every drop goes down your throat, there are no carbs or calories.” His expression turned thoughtful. “No, wait. I’m thinking of something else.” A mischievous grin spread across his face, betraying the sexual nature of his comment.

  All the ladies laughed. Shari high-fived him. Emily rolled her eyes and told him he was ridiculous.

  “A neat drink is straight liquor with nothing in it. Not even ice,” Shari clarified.

  That sounded dangerous. “Maybe a diet coke with a little bit of rum?”

  “You got it.” She poured my drink and handed it over.

  I took a sip. I could taste the alcohol, but it wasn’t bad. Thanking her for taking it easy on me, I raised my glass as Emily suggested a toast.

  “To new friends.”

  “To new friends,” we all repeated.

  “So, Jessica,” Jayson said, leaning closer to me as he set his drink down. “Let’s get down to business. After what happened earlier this week, we’ve all decided you could use a distraction. I have graciously agreed to share one of my sexy, tatted bikers with you for a limited time. Tell me which one has caught your eye and I will make it happen.” He gestured at the men who were still mulling about the common area.

  Shocked, I stared at him.

  “Sorry,” Emily said. “Jay can come off a little strong, but he means well.” Facing Jayson, she added, “And you can’t gift one of the guys to her. Everything about that is wrong.”

  “Of course, I wouldn’t gift her a man. That’s absurd. Our agreement would be temporary. She’d be borrowing him.”

  Emily cocked her head to the side. “Which sounds dangerously like prostitution. You’re not their pimp, Jay.”

  “I know.” He frowned. “Pimps get paid. All I get is tempting eye candy and unfulfilled erotic fantasies. But I digress. This isn’t about me. Our girl needs some sexual healing, and I’m not going to let your archaic views on propriety and other bullshit nobody cares about cock block her.” Making a face at Emily, which earned him a laugh, he turned back to me. “Jess, which hunka hunka burnin’ love are you feelin’?”

  “None,” I replied a little too quickly.

  All gazes landed on me, making it clear I’d messed up in a big way.

  “Uh-huh,” Julia said, eyeballing me. “You’re a horrible liar. You should never attempt that again.”

  Carly elbowed me in the side. “Who is it? We could probably set you up.”

  “As long as it’s not the one I’ve currently got my sights set on,” Jayson said. “I’m gracious enough to share, but I’m no saint.”

  “And which one would that be?” Emily asked. “You’re after all the guys.”

  Jayson laughed. “Fair enough.” To me, he added, “It’s the beards and the tats and the muscles. How can I resist all that deliciousness?”

  “Is he here?” Shari asked, scanning the guys.

  “No.” I shook my head. “I mean, I’m not interested in anyone.”

  “We’re making her uncomfortable,” Emily said. “We shouldn’t pry. Jess will tell us when she’s ready.”

  “Ohmigod.” Carly’s eyes lit up. “It’s Spade, isn’t it.”

  How in the world could she possibly know that? “No! I mean, why would you even think…” My cheeks were on fire.

  Her smile widened. “When he brought you home from the police station you guys spent a lot of time together. Link said you left long before he and Emily did, but they ate dinner with us, and you didn’t come down until after it was put away.”

  When did she become such a super sleuth? “We stopped at the apartment for clothes,” I reminded her.

  “For clothes? Or to remove clothes?” Jayson asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

  “Good one.” Shari high-fived him again. “You are on a roll tonight.”

  “Tonight?” he scoffed. “I am brilliant all the time. Girl, you better recognize.”

  “For clothes,” I chimed in.

  “But you are interested in Spade, right?” Carly asked, searching my face for clues. Whatever I gave away made her squeal. “Yes! I am so excited about this, Jess. Spade is great and he’d be perfect for you. I would love it if you and Spade got together. Love it! He’s like my brother, you’re like my sister… wait. That sounds weird and incestuous, but you get what I’m saying.” Carly looked around the table. “We must make this happen.”

  “No!” My voice had taken on a panicked edge. “He’s not interested. We were supposed to meet up after dinner and he didn’t even show. He hasn’t been here all week.”

  “His great uncle had to have his appendix removed,” Emily blurted out. “I don’t know if that’s public knowledge, but he called Link from the hospital waiting room. He was worried his uncle wouldn’t even make it, and apparently, they’re close. Spade’s a good guy, and he wouldn’t ditch you like that.”

  “He’s in Portland,” Julia added. “I only know because some kids were picking on his little sister, and he called Havoc to intervene.”

  We all turned to find Havoc. He was seated on one of the recliners, sipping a beer and listening to the guys as Trent flew a plastic dragon up his jean clad leg.

  “Aww. Havoc’s such a big growly teddy bear,” Jayson said. “I fuckin’ love that man. Julia if you hadn’t scooped him up—”

  “But I did.” Julia stretched her arms out in front of her and leaned back like a queen. “And my man handled those rotten little crotch goblins. They won’t be harassing that sweet little girl again. Believe that.”

  “Do I need to know the details?” Emily asked. “Will anyone be filing charges?”

  I was beginning to understand why the club needed a dedicated defense attorney.

  Julia flashed Emily a sweet smile. “He’s not in jail. We should probably consider this progress.”

  They continued to chat as my mind drifted to Spade. He’d taken off because his uncle needed him. I could understand that. It still didn’t explain why he hadn’t returned my message, but maybe he was busy? Hospitals typically had crappy cell service, so what if he hadn’t gotten my text? Was I being foolishly optimistic?

  You were a one-night stand, Jess. Why would he text you back?

  “Want me to have Wasp call Spade and find out if he’s into you?” Carly winced. “Wow. That sounded really high school. I just want you to be happy, Jess. I’ll stop being obnoxious about it, I promise.”

  Before I could respond, my cell phone rang with an unknown number. My traitorous mind went straight to Spade. Had he somehow picked up on us talking about him and was calling from the hospital or something equally sweet and romantic? No. This was getting out of hand. Determined not to let myself hope like that, I stepped away from the group and answered.

  “Hello Jessica, this is Matt with Lysdale Properties. I’m calling to let you know your apartment is ready. You can stop by my office tomorrow between the hours of ten a.m. and five p.m. to pick up the new key.”

  My good mood evaporated, leaving behind a heavy residue. Darkness lingered at the edges of my vision and dread crept up my spine. The idea of going back to my apartment broke something free inside me that tasted a lot like fear. I squeezed my eyes shut and saw Nate busting through the door all over again. The gun pressed into my side. Then his body was lying on my bedroom floor, his eyes vacant.

  “Je
ssica? Are you there?” Matt asked.

  My breathing was erratic, my hands sweaty and shaky. I was having a panic attack. I hadn’t experienced one of those since high school. Taking a deep, steadying breath, I answered, “Yes. Sorry. Thank you. I’ll be there tomorrow.”

  I disconnected the call before the rest of the attack could overtake me.

  It felt like the walls were closing in on me. I needed air, so I hurried out the back door and gulped down more breaths. I stayed out there for about five minutes before Carly found me.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  The attack was winding down, but my entire body still thrummed with nervous energy. Forcing a smile, I replied, “Nothing. Everything is great.”

  Chuckling, she shook her head. “You really are an awful liar.

  Resigned, I answered truthfully. “Matt says the apartment’s finished. I can move back home.”

  Concern pinched her eyebrows together. “Are you ready to go home?”

  I shrugged. “All my stuff is there and I’m paying rent on the place.”

  “So am I, but I’m not going back.”

  Despite the fact she’d moved in with her boyfriend, Carly refused to leave me high and dry. She’d be paying her portion of rent until I found another roommate, which I still needed to do. I hadn’t even placed the ad yet, which wasn’t really fair to her. Truth be told, just thinking about starting that process again made my stomach lurch. But I would need to go home eventually.

  “I don’t have anywhere else to go,” I said.

  She rubbed my arm. “Link said you can stay here as long as you want.”

  “I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean forever.” Even if he did, I missed having my own space. The fire station was great, and I felt safe and secure here, but it was busy and loud. As an introvert, I enjoyed eating and reading in peace, and the large group meals were a bit much for me after peopling all day at work.

  “I can’t come with you tomorrow, and I really want to be there when you go back. Can you wait until next weekend when we get home?” Wasp, Trent, and Carly were flying out first thing in the morning to visit Wasp’s family for the Fourth. She was super anxious about it, and I didn’t want to give her another reason to worry. Waiting an additional week so she could hold my hand and make sure I was okay felt like chickening out, but the idea of moving back in now, alone, didn’t appeal to me either. One more week at the fire station wouldn’t hurt anything. “Please, Jess?”

  Besides, Spade had to be coming back soon, and now that I knew what had happened, I wanted to see him again. The logical part of my brain kept insisting that I was begging for heartache, but I couldn’t help myself. “Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll wait to go home until you get back.”

  She hugged me, planting a kiss on my cheek. “Thank you! Maybe we can plan a movie date or something at the apartment to make it feel less…”

  Like a murder scene? “Yeah.” I cut her off because those words didn’t need to be said out loud. So far, I’d done an excellent job blocking out the shooting. Today’s panic attack just reinforced that I needed to keep my walls up until I was ready to cope. “Sounds good.”

  Spade

  SOMEONE ONCE SAID you don’t find out who your real friends are until you need help moving. As I argued with my father on the phone Tuesday afternoon, I wondered what that person would say about people who helped family relocate.

  “We can’t drive down and help, Antonio. We must work Thursday. With you being down there all this time, we are behind. I’m working my ass off to build a business for you and your brothers, and I can’t do everything.”

  A business I don’t want.

  The words sat on my tongue, tasting bitter. I wanted to spit them out but didn’t have that kind of relationship with my dad. If I told him how I really felt, he’d accuse me of being ungrateful and disrespectful. Then he’d probably shun me from the family until I got my shit together. I’d have to cross that bridge and piss him off eventually, but right now, I needed to swallow my ambitions and do what was best for my uncle.

  “I can move most of his apartment by myself. I just need help with the furniture.”

  “Why bring it?” Dad asked. “Leave it there. Since he’s moving in with us, he won’t need it. We have plenty of shit here already.”

  I was turning Uncle Jaime’s life upside down and taking away his independence by moving him to Seattle to live with my parents. “I can’t leave his stuff behind.” Putting into terms that Dad would understand—money—I added, “He wants to get his apartment deposit back.”

  “Then donate the shit. Or sell it. It won’t do any good cluttering up my house.”

  Dad wasn’t trying to be cruel; he was a practical man. The doctors said my uncle wouldn’t see another Fourth of July. They weren’t even counting on him making it to Christmas. His official prognosis was ischemic heart disease, a condition he may or may not have developed from the Agent Orange he was exposed to while in Vietnam. His extreme fatigue, chronic dizziness, and the swelling of his legs and feet had made it difficult for him to keep track of all the prescriptions they had him on. He’d managed to fuck them all up, taking even more years off his life. My mother would have his meds under control in no time, but not even she could undo the damage that had already been done.

  Uncle Jaime’s life had a rapidly approaching expiration date.

  His doctor wanted to clean out his arteries and give him a pacemaker, but my uncle insisted he’d had all the surgeries he intended to have. By moving him to Seattle, I was taking his dignity. I wouldn’t take away his stuff, too.

  “He’s… I… Padre, this is his life. It’s what he has left to show for years of working his ass off. For years of service to our country. I’m not leaving the memories of his life with strangers.” I usually didn’t talk back to my father, but I needed him to understand how important this was. Getting rid of Uncle Jaime’s possessions would be like admitting defeat—like accepting his impending death—and I wasn’t ready to do that. Besides, I didn’t want to give the old man any reason to give up. I needed him to keep fighting.

  “He’s not gonna need his furniture ever again.”

  Dad’s words knocked the wind out of me. I knew there’d be no recovery, but I didn’t need to hear it. “I know. Doesn’t change shit.”

  “You do what you gotta do, but I can’t send anyone down to help you. Maybe someone from that club you waste so much time at will lend a hand.”

  “They have before. Havoc helped us remove those trees in the backyard, remember?” Havoc had also stepped in when I couldn’t be there to protect Rosalie, but my father didn’t need to know that. There was a reason my baby sister called me, and not our father, for help. If she gave him the slightest hint she couldn’t protect herself, he’d lock her ass down, and Rosalie valued her independence.

  “Yeah. See if some of them can drive down.”

  Uncle Jaime wasn’t their family or their responsibility. “I’ll ask, but they all work.”

  “Thursday’s a holiday,” he replied.

  Since pointing out that he was working Thursday would be considered mouthing off, I ended the call and group texted the club. Rabbit and Stocks were the first to respond. Since the bar and the auto shop were both closed for the holiday, they agreed to ride down early Thursday morning and help me get everything to Seattle before they headed out for the campsite.

  Humbled and grateful, I rested my head against the countertop in relief. The coming days would be hard as fuck, but I wouldn’t have to do this shit alone. The Dead Presidents continued to teach me that sometimes family was deeper than blood.

  By the time Rabbit and Stocks arrived Thursday morning, I had Uncle Jaime’s entire apartment packed up and ready to go. My uncle wanted to help us load the rental, and kept getting up and trying to move shit on the sly. I caught him with his hands on a box he was about to lift, and promised to duct tape his ass to the chair if he didn’t sit his ass down. He must have known I wasn’t bluffin
g because he picked up his newspaper and ignored us for the hour or so it took us to finish.

  My bike was the last thing we loaded up before I helped Uncle Jaime to the elevator and got him strapped into the passenger’s seat, being careful of the tube still hanging out of his stomach. He looked up at the building, and the sadness in his eyes about did me in. I was taking away his independence. Although I knew it had to be done, it sure hurt like hell to witness his reaction.

  “I hope you didn’t get too attached to those TV dinners I saw in your freezer,” I said, trying to lighten the mood as I got behind the wheel. “You know Madre won’t allow that shit in her house, right?”

  He grunted, but a little of the sadness lifted from his eyes. “’Bout the only thing I’m lookin’ forward to is your mother’s cookin’. It’s a wonder your dad’s not five hundred pounds by now.”

  “That’s probably why he works so damn much. He’s afraid he’ll get fat if he slows down.”

  Uncle Jaime nodded. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen your brothers and sisters. How’s the baby?”

  “Rosalie’s not much of a baby anymore. She turned thirteen a couple weeks ago. She’ll be in eighth grade this year.”

  “They grow up too damn fast. Don’t tell the others, but she was always my favorite. Sweet little girl, that one. Nothing like her smartass, bossy oldest brother.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, she’s my favorite, too.”

  Something kept bugging me, tugging at the back of my mind. I’d stayed with him for almost two weeks and he hadn’t had a single visitor. Nobody came out to see him off. A couple of the old folks tried to chat with me, but none of them even approached Uncle Jaime. I’d never realized how lonely his life must have been.

  “Did you ever date?” I asked him, suddenly curious as to why he’d stayed single.

  “A few times.” He shrugged. “Had a steady girl once. Got with her not long after I came home from the service. Her name was Gloria, and she was a looker. Long, dark hair, big plump breasts, hips a man could wrap his hands around.”

  I could have gone my whole life without visualizing my uncle groping some poor girl. Desperate to change the subject, I asked, “What happened to her?”