Being Graves

by Drew Sera

“I was in college when my mom and stepdad died. My dad had been trying to reach me all day. He drove over to my place late at night to tell me. He could have told me over the phone, but he wanted to be with me.” I swallowed hard. I couldn’t believe I was telling him this. “Sometimes, I think it helps to have someone there when receiving this kind of news.” I swallowed again trying to restore moisture to my mouth. “This news will be shocking enough, Col. They don’t need it in an email. They need it from you. You’re their leader. You’re who they look up to. You’re the one that can unite them right now and offer some comfort.”

  Remembering all of the times that my dad and Blake calmed me and infused strength into me by placing their hands on my shoulders, I reached out and put my hand on Colin’s shoulder and squeezed it a little.

  “They’re going to need you today, Colin.”

  “Anth, I don’t know if I am strong enough for that task.”

  “Then I’ll hold you up.”

  He nodded after a few minutes and took a deep breath.

  “You’re right, Anth. Thank you.”

  Colin and I walked into his great room and said he was going to go get dressed for work. He caught me by surprise and pulled me into a hug. Fuck. Hugs made me weak, but I hugged him back and told him to go get ready and we’d drive together today.

  “Sweatpants don’t look good on you, Col,” I joked lightly with him as he climbed the stairs.

  He held his middle finger up as he climbed the rest of the way. I waited in his great room and finally, he appeared in a navy suit, white shirt and a black and blue tie.

  “Thanks, Anth,” Colin said as we drove to work.

  When we arrived, Colin sent out an email asking for everyone to gather in our large conference room at nine. The Chief Operations Officer, Mitch, and I stood beside Colin as he delivered the news about Sam to everyone. There were quiet murmurs, whispers and soft cries as the news quickly sank in.

  “I’ll keep everyone updated with info regarding the service as soon as I have it. If you would like, please feel free to take the day off and spend it with your families. I’ll also make sure we have some counselors on site this afternoon and through next week in case anyone would like to talk to them. And my door is always open.”

  Some people stayed to talk in small groups while others left quickly. Colin went to his office and shut the door. I knew that space was important during this time, too. I was working in my office when lunchtime rolled around. I knew he wouldn’t be hungry, but he needed to get out of the office a bit. I grabbed my orange foam ball and headed to his office. I knocked, waited a moment and went in.

  Colin swiveled around in his chair and faced me. He didn’t look too good.

  “Hey,” I said and sat down, placing the ball on his desk.

  “Hey. I spoke to Sam’s wife. She wanted to know if he had any family photos at his desk that she could come by and get. I told her I’d take a look.”

  “I can help, if you’d like. I can gather anything that appears to be personal and box it up,” I offered.

  Colin nodded and said that he’d appreciate it. I told him I’d do it tomorrow. Today seemed a little sudden to clear out the guy’s desk. I took Colin to lunch and even though he pushed a lot of his food around, at least he ate something.

  Around 4:00, Colin came into my office and tossed the foam ball at my chest. I caught it before it hit my desk. Colin looked worn out as he sat down in front of my desk.

  “Thanks for today, Anth.”

  I shrugged and aimlessly started looking around at my desk.

  “I didn’t really do anything other than driving your ass around.”

  He just looked at me for a few minutes and leaned back in his chair and then nodded. I’m not sure what that was about.

  “You picked up me today and reminded me that even in this tragedy, I needed to be there for the people relying on me.”

  “I just know how much everyone thinks of you. You probably don’t hear what I hear, but everyone says you’re a great leader and how much they love working here for you. You’re a ‘people’s boss.’ But, even I know that you’re human and impacted by Sam’s death. And I wanted to do whatever I could to help get you through the day.”

  “You did that and more today, Anth. You stepped up when I didn’t think that I could, and you helped me to be there for the employees. You’ve got my back and I’ve got yours. Just like brothers.”

  I swallowed hard and looked down.

  Brothers.

  I fought with myself and didn’t let my mind get consumed by memories of my childhood.

  “I…don’t know what it’s like to have a brother, Col.”

  “It’s pretty fucking great. You’ll see.”

  I started to get lost in my memories of being alone while growing up, but Colin pulled me back.

  “I’m ready to go home, Anth. I’m tired.”

  I nodded and quickly shut down my computer. Since I drove him to work, I also needed to take him home. While Colin was speaking to his secretary, Mitch came over to me.

  “Are you taking him home?”

  “Yeah. I picked him up this morning.”

  “I’ve never seen him like this. Keep an eye on him for a while if you can.”

  I nodded as Mitch went over to say something to Colin while I waited by my office door. When Colin was ready, we rode down in the elevator.

  “Do brothers prevent each other from wearing sweatpants?” I asked lightly.

  Colin burst out laughing and nodded.

  “Were they that bad?” he asked.

  I raised my eyebrows at him.

  “I’ll give you a pass this time. But yeah, they were bad.”

  In the car, I thought about what Mitch had said and offered to get Colin dinner.

  “Actually, I’m really tired and would just like to go home. But, I am hungry. Want to get a pizza and watch basketball?” he asked.

  I smiled and nodded.

  “UCLA is tipping off at 6:30,” Colin teased.

  I nodded again.

  “Pizza and UCLA, you got it,” I said. “Want me to call Matt too?” I asked and then quickly tried explaining what I meant, since I’m not good with words. “I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to watch the game, I just mean that…well…you and Matt are really close.”

  “I’d love to have and watch the game with you and Matt. You guys are my family.”

  I briefly thought of my dad but not in a sad way. I hope he could see that I had a couple really good friends. He’d be proud of me.

  Soon, I was laughing while Colin and Matt cheered UCLA on and ate pizza. Despite it being UCLA, I was having a good time. And after a while, UCLA didn’t even bother me…I was just enjoying the company and felt good about being there for Colin today.

  This must be what brothers do. Colin was right…it’s pretty fucking great.

  Chapter Sixteen

  July 2002

  “So, you guys are actually going through with it?” Blake asked as we were chatting about the tattoos.

  Colin, Matt, and I nodded and confirmed we were going tomorrow afternoon to get them done.

  “May I ask the placement?” Blake inquired.

  “Right shoulder blades,” Colin said.

  “Are you guys nervous?” Blake asked us.

  I shook my head and sipped my Coke.

  “Not at all,” I said.

  I’ve been through a lot in my life already. A tattoo didn’t rattle me. Matt actually looked nervous though. Even as we sat in the lobby of the tattoo parlor, Colin and I told Matt that he didn’t have to get it.

  “Matt, don’t get it if you’re not one hundred percent sure,” I told him.

  The last thing I’d want is for someone to get a tattoo they weren’t certain about. That thing is lifelong.

  “Yeah, Matt. Anth and I won’t give you shit about being a pussy and backing out,” Colin joked.

  “Fuck you.” Matt shook his head laughing. “I’m getting it, and I want i
t. I was just using some reverse psychology to see if you two really wanted them. If you saw that I was nervous, then if either of you really had reservations but were too ‘manly’ to say anything, my pretend nervousness would give you guys your way out,” Matt confidently said.

  Colin and I looked at each other.

  “He’s fucking with us,” I commented.

  “Matt’s got the clinical way to approach decisions down pat,” Colin teased.

  Finally, it was our turn, and the three of us went back to get inked. I volunteered to go first and pulled my shirt off and sat on the chair with my back to the artist.

  “Which shoulder blade, gentlemen?” the artist asked.

  In unison, we all announced the right shoulder blade. I was really excited about this but tried not to let on exactly how excited I was. This was like a blood brothers type of thing to me. Like those necklaces that girls wear to tout their friendship. Only this, this was very real and forever. These were tattoos and as weird as it sounds, I felt that this would seal my friendship with these guys forever. We’ll be in our eighties and nineties, tying young women up with rope in Irons. I smirked at the idea as the guy was cleaning the area on my back. He kept rubbing his gloved fingers over a spot, and then he would rub my skin on the opposite side of my shoulder.

  “Um, Anthony, you have some scarring back here on the right shoulder blade where the tattoo was going to go. It won’t look right, plus I’m not comfortable tattooing scarred skin.”

  I swallowed hard and stiffened in my seat.

  “Your left blade is fine, though. I can put it there if you want,” he said.

  I glanced at Matt and Colin, and both of them were on their feet and walked behind me; I’m sure to look at my back. The bad thing was that I didn’t really even know what it looked like back there.

  “I’ve seen you a million times with your shirt off, but this has never stuck out to me,” Matt said. “It’s all skin tone colored, but now that I look closer, I can see the damaged skin,” he added.

  Suddenly, I was sweating and wanted out of there. Bruce and Connor fucked up pieces of me that I couldn’t even see or feel. At least the area wasn’t obvious, according to Matt.

  “How’d you get it?” Colin asked.

  How did I get it?

  I had no fucking clue. It could have been from anything. Bruce and Connor did everything but physically dismember me.

  “I don’t know. Probably something when I was really little. I was pretty rambunctious and always out playing and running around,” I said.

  Colin and Matt took their seats in front of where I sat, and Colin said, “Left shoulder blades it is, then,” as he looked me in the eyes.

  “Wait, we talked about the right blades, guys. You don’t have to change on account of me. I can get the left, and you guys can still do it on the right.”

  Matt and Colin shook their heads, and both were looking at me.

  “Nope, we do this together,” Matt said.

  “But we agreed to the right blades, not left,” I reminded them.

  “We agreed that we’d get the same tattoo in the same place.” Colin firmly said and nodded at me. “We’re getting the left blades.”

  Matt also nodded, and the tattoo artist moved to my left side and cleaned the area. As I sat there getting an emblem that represents the BDSM lifestyle inked on my skin, I couldn’t help but feel a mix of things. I was pissed that Bruce and Connor scarred me in many places and that it was having an effect on things in my adult life. Granted, this was small, but their damage made it so I couldn’t do something that I wanted. And that angered me the most. I also felt a deep bond with Colin and Matt.

  When I couldn’t bend, they were both willing to. These guys had my back, literally. And I’d always have theirs. And that’s what this tattoo was about…our bond.

  Chapter Seventeen

  November 2002

  “I feel like I’m getting ready to crash a family gathering,” I said quietly to Colin as we stood on the porch to Matt’s house.

  “Relax, Anth. It’s Thanksgiving. You’re going to love his family,” Colin said just as Matt opened the door.

  “Hey, guys! Come in.”

  I followed Colin inside, and Matt introduced me to his mother and father, Gloria and Arthur. They were visiting Matt for the holiday and even though I spent last year with Matt and Colin, this year his parents were here. So, it was my first time meeting them.

  I liked them right away. Gloria and Arthur were the nicest people, and I could tell that they had given Colin a good home to grow up in when his parents and brother died.

  The day after Thanksgiving, we golfed with his dad and then Colin and I went to Irons in the evening. Colin and I walked around the main room and glanced over at the unattached sub area. There were about eight women over there…and all of them were looking at us.

  “What are you in the mood for tonight, Col?”

  “Let’s see.”

  Colin rubbed his hands together as we gazed at the women.

  “How about Tiffany?” he asked.

  My eyes scanned group. Fuck, I had no idea which one Tiffany was, but was trying to play it off.

  “Yeah, Tiffany works.”

  “You have no clue who that is, do you, Anth?”

  “No clue,” I came clean, and we both laughed. “I want to tie tonight. So, whoever will let me do that, that’s who I want to play with.

  “Any of those women will let you do anything you want to them,” Colin said. “Hell, you could tell them you want to tie them up and read them a story and they’d be swooning over you reading the phone book.”

  “A1 Auto,” I mocked in a breathy, seductive tone.

  Colin tilted his head back as he laughed. As we approached the girls, they shuffled into their proper poses, and Colin and I stood in front of Tiffany. She looked up at us with a hopeful look in her eye and Colin held his hand out for her to take. She stood and held her hands to her side.

  “Would you like to play with us, Tiffany?” Colin asked.

  “Yes! Yes, Sirs!”

  We took Tiffany down into the dungeon and went through our negotiation routine with her. I got my wish tonight and was able to tie her to a beam. Colin fucked her ass, pulled out and came on her back, and then I fucked her pussy from behind and added my own load to her back.

  I zipped up and admired the beautiful knots and rope work. I could feel that her hands were starting to cool, so I quickly began untying her. Once her arms were free, I rubbed her hands and arms as she gazed up at me.

  “Thank you for tying me, Master Anthony. I love the marks the ropes leave on my skin,” Tiffany said.

  “You’re a fan of the little rope ghosts?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  Tiffany was running her fingers along the impressions the rope made but stopped to look up at me again. I winked at her and a cute smile decorated her face.

  “Rope ghosts,” she said. “I like that name.”

  “Come on, Miss Tiffany. Let’s go sit in the after care station for a bit,” Colin advised.

  The three of us sat together for a while. Tiffany was still playing with the rope impressions on her skin by the time she was ready to leave.

  Chapter Eighteen

  December 2002

  The second we pulled into Anthony’s garage to his winter mansion I clapped my hands and rubbed them together.

  “Christmas vacation has officially started, gentlemen,” I announced.

  Matt and Anthony both laughed and we unloaded our bags and took them into the cabin. Seriously though, the word “cabin” sounds so unfitting for this place. Anthony’s “cabin” was incredible and I loved coming here. I put the groceries away with Matt while Anthony went outside to his deck.

  “He’s messing with that potted tree,” Matt said as he glanced outside while putting stuff away.

  “I think it holds sentimental value to him. I know that each time he’s up here, he takes fresh soil for it,” I said.


  I guzzled a bottle of water while we waited for Anthony to come back inside. I was looking forward to hitting the slopes tomorrow. Matt and I were going to teach Anthony how to ski. We were talking about the fresh powder on the slopes across the way when Anthony came in.

  “How’s the tree, Anth?” I asked and got him a Coke out of the fridge.

  He nodded and pulled his coat and beanie off, took the Coke and sat down at the breakfast bar.

  “It’s good. Doing well.”

  I glanced at Matt. There was some attachment to that tree. Though I didn’t know what it was, I understood that it existed and respected that.

  Anthony started a nice fire in the fireplace, and after we had dinner, we played cards. It was so relaxing; no cell phones, TV’s, stereos. Just the company of Matt and Anthony. I had been looking forward to this.

  We were having fun and joking around with one another until Matt made a comment that obviously didn’t sit well with Anthony. Though Anthony didn’t say anything about it, he got really quiet.

  “Fuck, Anth. Your cabin is making me sweat,” Matt said and pulled off his long sleeved sweatshirt.

  He pulled his undershirt away from his body to fan himself.

  “Between the furnace, heated floors and the wall of fire behind me, I think you’re trying to burn me,” Matt joked.

  I was looking at Anthony, waiting for the reaction. In a split second, I saw his whole body tense and his eyes flinched. He looked down at his hand of cards but remained quiet. He tossed a few cards down, and I dealt him the replacement cards. Anthony glanced at them and then up at Matt.

  “I like being comfortable,” he said while looking at Matt.

  “Comfort, I completely get, Anth,” Matt said in a calmer tone.

  Matt wasn’t an idiot or oblivious to the change in Anthony since he made that comment. I knew he was trying to smooth things over.

  Soon, Anthony folded his cards on the table and said he was turning in so he could get some rest for tomorrow’s ski lessons. Just before Anthony climbed the stairs, he turned to face us at the table.