by LM Terry
“And how has that been going for you?” he asks, not budging.
After he says it I see the regret on his face. I hold up my hand to stop him.
He gently places his hands on my shoulders. “Why don’t you go shower and I’ll go whip up some breakfast. Then we can head to the shop.”
This perks me up. Yes, the shop. Some damn normalcy. I nod enthusiastically and offer him a big smile. I notice his shoulders drop. He pats me on the head like a puppy and heads out to the kitchen.
The smell of bacon and eggs waft through the house making my mouth water. Smells good, who knew Big Dan could cook. When I get to the kitchen Dan and William are talking quietly at the table. They stop the minute I walk into the room.
Dan stands and motions for me to take his seat. I catch William’s gaze as I sit down. He tosses me one of his boyish smiles, making my heart thaw a little. Dan pushes a plate in front of me. “I’ll leave you two kids to visit.” He kisses the top of my head and then leaves the room.
“How are you feeling?” William asks hesitantly.
“Good. How about you?” I motion towards him with my fork.
He laughs. “Oh, Jesse. This is why I love you. Tough as nails.”
I almost choke on my food. What did he just say?
His dimples come out in all their glory. “I’ve always loved you, Jess. Not in the way I love Penny but it’s not a lesser love.”
My eyes drop to my plate. I know what he means. I love him too. There are only four people in this world I’ve ever loved. My grandparents and the two men in this house. “I’m sorry I’ve been treating you so poorly. You don’t deserve it.”
He reaches out and takes my hand. “I understand, Jess. It had always been just the two of us, thick as thieves.” I peek up at him and he winks.
“I don’t want you to think I’m not happy for you, William. I am. I really am. Penny is great. You two are going to make great parents.” Fuck why did I say that. Now the tears are coming again.
William gets up and moves around the table to sit in the chair next to me. He pulls me into his arms. His familiar scent calms me, but I try to push him away anyway. He doesn’t let me. He keeps me tightly pulled into his chest. “I’m so sorry, Jesse. I knew Jimmy was bad news. I should have protected you. Twice now I’ve failed you.”
“It’s not your fault. Without you I wouldn’t have made it out of Saint Mary’s.”
“You were the one to get us out.” He pulls back to look into my eyes. “I never asked but did you purposely drop that candle or was it really an accident?” he asks, a slight smile on his face.
I smile back. “A girl never reveals her secrets, William. But, she does tattoo them into her skin.” I pull up my jeans to show him the candle tattooed on my leg. A single candle, dripping blood instead of wax.
His finger traces over it. “You saved us,” he whispers.
I pull my pant leg down, shifting back to my breakfast. Enough sap. “Why are you still here. I thought I told you take the money and get Penny out of this shit hole.”
“I can’t take the money…”
I interrupt him. “It’s my fucking money. I worked hard for it and I want you to have it. Please. I need something good to think about. You and Penny are good. Knowing you are out of here will give me peace.”
He grabs my hand and places a set of keys in my palm.
“What’s this?”
“It’s the keys to Sylvia. You’re buying her from me.”
I try to give them back to him, but he shoves his hands in his pockets.
“William, I can’t take the rod. You’ve worked so hard on her.”
“I did and now she’s yours. You’ve been itching to tag her with your art. So, make her yours. Besides, I’m the proud owner of a mini-van and as much as that kills me, it’s safer for peanut. Plus, the rod only has two seats.”
“Oh, William, this is a better gift than the roller skates I’ve always wanted.”
“Not a gift. You bought her. It’s the only way I take the money.” He ruffles my hair like he always does.
“Where are you going?”
“Penny has an uncle in San Diego, he works on old cars. He’s offered me a job.”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep the tears at bay. I don’t want him to feel guilty for leaving me. He needs to go. Things are going to get ugly around here. It will ease my mind knowing he’s happy and safe in San Diego.
Our eyes lock. “I’m so happy for you, William. This is your chance to show everyone your talent.”
“When you turn eighteen come out and live with us,” he says with tears in his eyes.
I shake my head sadly at him. “I’ve got a lot going for me here,” I tease.
“I’m serious, Jesse. You aren’t stuck here. You are such an amazing artist. You can make it anywhere.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ve got big plans.” I stand and scrape the remnants of my breakfast into the trash.
“You’re not going to do anything stupid are you? Stay away from Jimmy and his crew. They won’t go down as easily as Father Gabriel did.”
Fact is Father Gabriel didn’t go down. No, he’s still preaching. Just like Rick. I’m sure he is still being a creepy asshole somewhere in this world.
“Jesse?”
“Don’t worry.” I dry my hands off and toss the towel at him. “Jimmy taught me a valuable lesson. No more stupid…I promise.”
He narrows his eyes at me. Big Dan walks back into the room eyeing us suspiciously.
William gives me the biggest hug before giving me a gentle kiss on the cheek. This is goodbye. He turns, briskly walking out. I don’t move until I hear the screen door slam shut behind him. I close my eyes, gathering every bit of courage I have to go on without him.
A warm hand touches my back. “Let’s get to the shop, doll. I’m letting you work on clients today.”
My eyes fly open. “Your lying.”
He fills his travel mug with coffee, looking at me out the corner of his eye. “Why would I lie?”
I jump up and down. “Let’s go then. I’ll drive myself.” I twirl the keys to my new rat rod around my finger.
“Ah, no.”
“Dan, come on. You’re going to deny me taking a ride in first vehicle?”
He sighs. “Straight to the shop.” He points a meaty finger in my direction.
I put my hands together all innocent like. “Of course.”
He rolls his eyes. “Go on.”
I rush out of the kitchen before he has a chance to change his mind. He yells out to me as I’m walking out, “If you deviate, I’ll turn you over my knee, little girl.”
I laugh at this. When I get outside I stand beside the rod so giddy I could squeal. She’s beautiful. I love her unfinished rusty appearance. Dan walks out behind me and smirks as he tosses his leg over his bike. “You going to stand there and drool over that thing all day or you going to fire her up?”
I stick my tongue out at him. But, then I smile and get in my new car. She purrs to life and suddenly I feel whole again. Shifting the rear view mirror, I catch a glimpse of the rug burn on my face. Fuck Jimmy and his crew. Sylvia and I are going to have so much fun together. We’re going to paint the desert red.
Fighting the urge to drive by the trailer I decide to behave myself and head to the shop. I really need to hook up with my guys before word gets out that I’m pedaling dope for the Devils. Getting that shit under control needs to be my number one priority right now. If people stop trusting Sugar then things will get out of hand fast. I can’t have that.
But, Dan is being overgenerous and letting me tattoo someone besides myself and him. I’m not going to pass this opportunity up. No way. Submerging myself in my art will help me more than anything. It will give my mind a much-needed break. It’s why he’s giving me this. He knows my body will heal but healing my soul...well that might not be as easy.
My heart drops as I pull up in front of the shop. There must be twenty or more
bikes parked in the empty lot across the street. All the men have Rebel Skull patches adorning their backs. My eyes drop to my lap. What did I expect?
Knock. Knock.
Slowly I raise my head, my green eyes lock onto swirling colored ones. Eyes that have haunted me since the first time I saw them. “Go away,” I yell through the dirty glass that separates us.
Yeah, he didn’t seem like a guy who walks away without getting what he wants. My door opens swiftly before I have a chance to lock it. He bends his tall frame at the waist poking his unwanted self in my space.
“Get out,” I say, shoving his head with my open palm.
He wins. Not because I can’t shove his ass out. No, not because of that. It’s because I’m stupid. A stupid, stupid girl. One who just discovered how soft his hair is. So, so soft. Pulling my hand away quickly, I scoot over to the passenger seat away from him. He slides right in beside me.
“You should know that your dad has assigned me the job of being the stink on your shit.” One thing that is not soft about Dirk is his voice. It’s hard, with rough edges that scrape along my skin, making it pebble with tiny goose pricks. It doesn’t even matter what words fall from his lips. He could tell me to eat shit and it would sound sexy.
Christ.
What the hell is this?
Maybe it’s just because I’ve seen him naked. Yeah, that’s it. Forget, Jesse. Just. Forget.
Now that the image is there it’s ten thousand times worse. A hot coil wraps itself up into a tight ball in the pit of my stomach.
“Did you hear me?” he asks, leaning forward to catch my eyes again.
Well, I’m not falling for that trick again. I stare out the passenger window. “I heard you. What do you want me to do about it?” I manage to spit out.
“I’m not asking you to do anything about it. Just telling you so I don’t spook you, yeah?”
Snorting, I turn to him. Finally, praise Gabriel’s god, I find my balls again. “You? Spook me? Ah, not possible.”
He raises his eyebrows, tilting his head in challenge.
Oh, fuck.
What have I done?
He crowds me again. Except this time there is nowhere to slide. My hand slowly reaches for the door handle.
Click.
“You weren’t spooked when I broke Ricky boy’s fingers?”
Pressing myself into the door, my escape route stollen from me, I shake my head.
“No?” His one-word response whispers across my face.
My green eyes lock onto his stormy ones. The coil that has slowly been wrapping itself around my insides squeezes painfully.
What the fuck is happening to me?
A slow grin spreads across his face.
Just like a cat keeping his prey caught by a strong paw clamped on a tiny tail, he releases me.
Sliding back into his own space, he pulls his smokes from his front pocket. He taps them in the palm of his hand, catching one that slides out between his fingers. When he puts it between his lips I unconsciously squeeze my legs together. The movement catches his eye. He chuckles lightly before releasing the lock button.
I scramble out of the rod, bumping into Big Dan as I do. Goddammit, he is like a brick wall. One that I’m always running right into to. He catches my shoulders, stopping me. He scowls over my head, looking behind me. The tick of a lighter breaks the silence. Hesitantly, I glance over my shoulder, swallowing hard.
A challenge begins to brew between cousins.
One wants to shelter me. The other wants to blow my house down.
Dan pushes me towards the shop, guiding me inside with a firm hand between my shoulder blades. Once inside the tension breaks.
“What the fuck was that?”
Continuing to walk towards the back, flipping lights on as I go, I answer in as steady a voice as I can muster, “What was what?”
“Don’t. Just don’t. You…” he points at me before turning a finger on himself, “and me, we are one hundred percent honest from here on out. No more secrets, no more bullshit. It’s my job to keep you safe and I can’t do that if you keep things from me.”
I pull a tray out of the cabinet, setting it carefully on the counter. I know Big Dan worries about me but if these damn men think they can suddenly start calling the shots in my life they have another thing coming. I’ve been on my own since I was ten. Sucking in a calming breath I face him.
“Someone has already beat you to that job. Dirk was just kindly telling me how he is my new babysitter.” I fold my arms across my chest, resting my butt against the counter.
“What?” Dan, stares at me confused.
The ding of the door announces the man himself. His head swivels from Dan, to me, back to Dan.
“What?” daddy dearest, asks.
“Oh, I was just telling Big Dan here how you have already hired a babysitter, so he’s off the hook.”
My dad shrugs his shoulders, not denying it. Rolling my eyes, I turn back to my task. “Well, I don’t need a fucking babysitter. I don’t need a dad either, so…” I bite the inside of my cheek, choking back any emotion.
No one says anything to that. When I hear the squeak of leather as someone slides onto the chair behind me I glance over my shoulder. Oh, hell no. “No, no way.” I shake my head and start clearing my tray.
Big Dan’s hands clasp around mine, he tugs, spinning me to face him. “We don’t discriminate at this shop. He’s a paying client and you,” a meaty finger digs into my chest, “wanted to work here. Welcome aboard.” He shoves a file folder in my hand before walking away. “Oh, by the way, I drew that up for him after he was paroled.” He opens the front door and I flip him off behind his back. “I love you too,” he says as the door closes leaving me and my dad alone.
Smacking the file against my palm I turn my attention to my dad. “Sure, let’s do this. You trust me, yeah?”
“You could tattoo a giant dick on me, and I would proudly show the world.” He shrugs out of his jacket, tossing it over to Dan’s empty chair.
“One giant dick it is.” I ignore him while I go back to work organizing the supplies I’ll need. I casually flip the folder open with one hand. Slowly I let my gaze roam from my tray over to the open folder. It’s my name and birthdate, the script flaring with Dan’s amazing artistry. This isn’t fair. How am I supposed to do this?
My hands shake as I lift the stencil out of the folder. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m nervous or angry, probably a combination of the two. “Where do you want it?”
“Right here.” Shifting to see where here is I catch him pointing at the bare spot over his chest. “Saved that spot for the girl who stole my heart,” he says, cautiously raising his eyes to meet mine.
Setting the stencil down on the tray, I push the cart over to my chair, blinking back tears. Since Dirk saved me from Rick I’ve dreamt of the day my dad would come for me. Why now? Dan said something about parole. Has my dad been in prison my entire life? And, if so…what did he do to get there?
As I’m placing the stencil I feel him tense, restraining himself from pulling me into a hug. My eyes flit up to his briefly. A million words hang in the air between us. So much he wants to tell me, so much I want to tell him. I’ve wanted to belong to someone, to anyone for so long. Since grandpa and grandma died my heart has longed for a family. Even if it was one person. One parent.
Blinking back more tears I point to the mirror so that he can check the placement. He stares at his reflection bringing his hand up to rub under my name. Regret and remorse stare back at him.
“Is it good? I can move it, it’s not a problem,” I tell him with an unfazed drawl, leaning back and stretching.
“No, it’s good. It’s perfect.” He quickly sits back down in front of me. As I’m slipping my gloves on I let my eyes roam over the rest of his ink. He has an impressive amount of it. Some pure shit, other pieces beautifully done. I notice a slew of dates etched from his ribs running down, disappearing under his jeans. The contrast in i
nk indicate the dates were all done at different times.
The man is probably mid to late forties. He definitely lifts weights, a sign of prison life, being locked up with nothing else to do. His hair the same blue-black color as mine except peppered with silver streaks. Seeing myself in another person is weird as fuck. Aunt Renee doesn’t look anything like me, neither did grandpa or grandma.
“Ready?” I ask, smacking my gum annoyingly.
He nods not taking his eyes off the ceiling. Something about the look on his face makes me feel bad for him. No. Fuck that. I don’t feel sorry for anyone. Not even my fucking self. Even if he regrets getting himself locked up and not being there for me that is not my problem. He made the bad decision. Him.
“I’m sorry,” he says so quietly I almost don’t hear it over the buzz of my gun.
And, there it is.
The words I’ve been dreading and longing for all at the same time. Ignoring him, I continue to punish his skin. Wishing the needle would go deeper, would puncture his heart so he could feel the pain I felt while hoping he would come for me.
He shifts uncomfortably. Backing my gun away from his skin, I scold, “Jesus, sit still. You act like this is your first tattoo.” I wipe the excess ink away before meeting his gaze.
“I’m so, so, sorry, Jess,” he says with pleading eyes.
“You must be confused. I’m an artist, not a therapist. I’m not here to make you feel better about yourself.” Rising from my chair I begin to pull my gloves off.
“No.” He reaches out to stop me. “I’ll shut the fuck up.” He leans back in the chair and closes his eyes.
Reluctantly I sit back down. Surprisingly, he keeps his promise even though he periodically opens and closes his mouth like a goddamn fish out of water. I’m not looking forward to all the words that are begging to fall from his lips.
Placing a thin layer of ointment over the finished piece, I hesitantly raise my eyes. He smiles at me sadly. “Done.” My feet push against the floor sending my stool rolling away from him.
I walk out, leaving him to stare in the mirror.
The heat hits me in the face when I open the door. Dirk is leaning against the building. I lean over and snag his cigarettes out of his pocket as I take a step down. He smirks as I put one in my mouth before tucking the pack back in his pocket, patting it for good measure.
