by LM Terry
I swallow hard. He lowers his face to mine. “If you can’t handle this…you need to step the fuck aside.” He lets go and shoves my head away from him.
God, he is such a fucking asshole. A beautiful asshole.
His phone buzzes, he glances at it. “Let’s go. She’s on the move.”
Partners. We are partners. Normally I’d be giddy as a fucking schoolgirl about that. I need to remember we are only partners because we both want the same thing. Her. The smart-mouthed, black haired beauty that seems to be stealing everyone’s heart.
I make the sign of the cross, please forgive me, Lord, for what we are about to do.
Dirk tips his head back and laughs. “What are you so worried about, Raffe. I’ll take good care of you both.”
Chapter Nineteen
Jesse
Poked, prodded, violated. If I would have known what that appointment was going to include it would have been a hard pass. Whatever. It’s over. Big Dan stayed with me for the most of it. The least embarrassing part of it that is. Times like this I miss grandmama so much. The doc gave me some sort of birth control shot so at least there’s that. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that it won’t be needed anytime soon. Jimmy better keep his end of the deal because I just can’t. Not again. Not ever again.
Anyway, I got a clean bill of health so I can at least breathe a little easier on that front. Also, Dan is so happy that I went to the doctor he let me off my leash early. I told him I had to go see a friend. It was a true story, so I don’t even feel guilty about it.
When I get to Jenny’s trailer the smell hits me before I even reach the door. Fuck. I knock on the door and Jenny’s daughter, Katie, peeks through the window before slowly opening the door for me. “Hey, sweetie, is your mama home?”
She nods, her dirty hair falling in front of her face. She points to the bedroom at the end of the hall. My eyes take in the state of the trailer. There’s food left out, flies galore, dirty dishes piled high and a mountain of dirty clothes shoved in the corner of the kitchen. Shit, she’s using again. We don’t sell to her. She has a kid and an addiction the size of Texas. I helped her get clean after I informed her she would not be getting any more dope in Trap County. She’s been clean for a year or I should say was.
Unfortunately, she’s been getting it somewhere and I think I know where. I pull a candy bar out of my bag and Katie’s eyes light up. “Why don’t you go sit in my rod and enjoy your candy while I talk to your mama.”
She takes the candy bar but pauses before walking out. “Mama’s been sleeping for three days. She won’t wake up.”
“It’s okay, hun. Go on. I’ll get her up.”
I watch until I see her open the door to the rod. She gives the steering wheel a tug back and forth pretending to drive. Katie is in second grade. I’ve had to set a few kids and teachers straight at school for bullying her. It’s amazing the girl gets herself to school every day. From now on I’ll be picking her up. She notices me watching, she gives me a shy wave before ripping the wrapper off her treat.
Blinking back tears, I make my way to the bedroom. When I open the door, the stench takes me back. Oh, my god. Jenny is sprawled on the bed in her underwear, she is breathing but she has puke in her hair. The sheets are covered in god knows what. Little baggies are scattered over her nightstand along with uncapped needles. Most of the baggies are marked with a black x, the crap the Devils sell. But, there are two baggies with my skull logo on them. My heart sinks.
You know what you got to do, Jesse. Sometimes you have to get a little mean.
I grab both of her ankles and yank hard pulling her off the bed. Her head slams to the floor with a thud, that wakes the bitch up. She starts hollering and flailing her arms around. I drag her all the way down the hall to the bathroom, grab her under her arms and haul her over the edge of the tub. She is screaming at me, still confused as to what is happening.
When the cold-water douses her, she begins to sober up. She sputters and chokes. “What the fuck?” she yells.
I reach down and shut the water off. She tries to get out of the tub, but I push her back down. I wipe my hands down my jeans then pull the polaroid out of my back pocket and shove it in her face. She pales and begins to tremble. Well, I guess I have my answer.
“Please don’t call CPS,” she begs.
I ignore her plea. “So, I know how you got my stuff. Who is selling to you from the Devils?”
“I haven’t spent any money on drugs. I swear.”
Like that makes any of this any better.
She continues, spewing words like vomit. “Jimmy. It was Jimmy. I’m so sorry. He was asking lots of questions about you. I didn’t tell him anything at first. But, then he showed up with some of his guys and they held me down. I didn’t want it. I really didn’t want it.” She shakes her nasty hair back and forth. “Once I start I can’t stop.”
That’s how he found out that I’m Sugar. Jesus Christ.
“When he quit coming a few weeks ago I….” she stops, unable to say the words.
“You traded Katie for your fucking fix,” I finish for her, spitting in her face.
“Oh, god. I know. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” she wails.
This is my fault. Jimmy got her hooked again because he was looking for who stole his drugs. Then when she couldn’t get her fix from him she sold her daughter.
What am I going to do?
“You have three fucking days to get this place cleaned up and to get your head screwed on straight. I’m taking Katie with me to keep her safe.”
“O…okay,” Jenny’s chin wobbles as she accepts her fate. “I’ll try, Jesse. I promise.”
“Don’t try, do it. If I can’t be certain she is safe with you then I’m not bringing her back.”
She nods.
I turn without another word. I’m shaking all over as I wash my hands in the sink. What the fuck am I going to do? I glance out the window, Katie is leaning her head out watching the trailer with nervous eyes. Quickly, I grab a trash bag and go to her tiny closet sized room and dump the few clean clothes that are in the dresser into the bag. As I’m walking out I turn back to look at her bed and see a fluffy teddy bear laying on her pillow, I place it in the bag carefully and toss it over my shoulder.
Katie pushes the car door open as I walk towards her. “Are you leaving now?” she asks sadly.
“Your mama isn’t feeling well. What do you think about coming to stay with me for a few days? Your mom said it was okay with her.”
She smiles big and shakes her head. I push the bag behind my seat. “You want to go tell her goodbye?” I ask.
“No, thank you,” she says quietly. She scoots to the passenger seat and buckles herself in.
When the suit lady took me from the Ditsworth’s and then from St. Mary’s I felt relief. That’s what I see on Katie’s face. My heart hurts. It hurts more than it ever did for me. She’s so tiny. So vulnerable. I have no idea where to go from here. I don’t have a home to take her too. Big Dan has done so much for me, I can’t ask him to do this too.
“Do you want to go play at the park for a bit? I have a few calls to make then we will go get something to eat. Sound good?”
She agrees then reaches over and puts her tiny hand over mine. She whispers, “You haven’t been at school all week?” It’s a question not a statement. Her eyes dance over the burns on my face.
She’s worried that whoever hurt me might hurt her too. “I fell off a ladder when I was painting so I took a few days off. We’ll go to school together on Monday, okay?”
She smiles big.
When we get to the park, she runs to the equipment. She’s probably thankful to be away from the trailer.
I sit down with a sigh on the bench. The world suddenly feels so heavy. What the fuck am I going to do? I can’t call CPS, I just can’t. The suits will move her from place to place. Good or bad, they don’t care. I can’t leave her with Jenny. What. Am. I. Going. To. Do?
Think
Jesse, think.
I bury my face in my hands, overcome with Katie’s situation, with memories of my own…
Someone sits down next to me. In one smooth motion I have the knife in my boot out and pressed against the man’s throat. Just as quickly someone behind me places a knife at mine.
Raffe’s beautiful, toothy, white smile breaks through my tear clouded vision after a few seconds and I drop the knife. The one at my throats retreats as well. Dirk comes around from behind and sits on the other side of me.
“You can’t sneak up on me like that,” I say angrily, panting slightly from the surge of adrenaline. My eyes dart to Katie. She is oblivious to what is going on. Her legs pump back and forth as she glides into the sky on her swing.
“Who’s the kid?” Dirk asks, lighting up a cigarette.
“Go. Away,” I demand, glaring at him.
Raffe’s hand runs over my back, enticing me to focus on him.
“Seriously, Raffe. You guys need to go.”
He shoots me a sad look. What is he trying to tell me?
“Raffe and I aren’t going anywhere. We have some things to discuss.” He sends smoke rings swirling above our heads. “Are you babysitting or something?” He points his cigarette in Katie’s direction.
Katie has stopped swinging and is staring at us nervously. No. Oh god no. She doesn’t think…
My brain rapid fires. I can’t handle the look of fear on her face.
“Stay here a minute,” I tell them.
Katie’s muscles tense and I’m afraid she’ll run as I rush towards her. “Hey, sweetie. Those guys are friends of my dad’s they aren’t going to hurt either of us.”
Her eyes focus past my shoulder to the two bikers perched on the park bench.
“I know they look scary, but they aren’t. I promise.”
Katie’s gaze moves back to me. “You have a daddy?” she asks.
I nod. “He would thump them on the head if they hurt us,” I tell her.
She giggles. “Will your daddy be home when you take me there?”
“He…well, my dad just found me. It’s all kind of new, Katie. It’s hard to explain.”
Her eyes go big. “You’re big. If your daddy just found you then maybe there is a chance mine will come find me.”
And just like that my heart breaks into a million little pieces. Katie reaches out and twirls a piece of my hair around her dirty little finger. “Do you think your daddy would thump someone on the head for hurting me?”
I shake my head yes. I already know the answer to the question, but I need to ask. She needs to tell someone. I’ve never told anyone what happened to me. I don’t want her to carry that load. “Has someone hurt you, Katie?”
She nods and a tear runs down her cheek leaving a dirty streak. I pull her into my arms. “He isn’t going to hurt you ever again. I promise.”
She leans back wiping at her eyes. Her strength shining brightly against the dull desert landscape. “Pinky promise?” she asks.
I’ve seen girls do it. It always seemed a silly thing to do until right at this moment. I hold my hand up and wrap our pinky fingers together. She hugs me tight again.
“I’m going to go talk to my friends for a second and then we’ll go.”
Her little head bobs and she scoots herself back in the swing. I give her a few pushes before turning back to Dirk and Raffe.
They both squint up at me when I approach. Choking back tears, I ask for help. Something I haven’t done since I asked Dan if I could borrow his drill. “Can you call him for me?”
Raffe takes my hand and pulls me to sit between them. “What’s going on, sweetheart?”
I shake my head, unable to speak.
Dirk stands up. “I’ll call him.”
He takes a few steps away. Katie is watching me. I smile at her, she smiles back. Raffe looks from me to Katie and then back again. “Jesse.” When I turn at my name his eyes bounce over my face. “It’s okay, Jesse. We have you. Both of you.” He wraps his arm around me, and I sink into him.
Dirk walks back and gently pushes the phone up to my ear as he sits next to me.
“Jesse. Baby girl, what’s wrong?” my dad asks calmly in my ear.
I press my lips into a thin line. I’m scared. I need him to be my dad right now, really be my dad. Swallowing my pride, my anger, I ask. I ask for her and maybe a small part for me. “I need help,” I manage to squeak out.
“Oh, baby. I’m on the way.” I can hear the wind as he heads outside.
“Wait. I was thinking maybe I could come…” my voice trails off. I don’t know how to say it. I haven’t had a place that felt like home in so long.
“Give the phone to Dirk, baby. I’ll see you in a little bit, okay?”
“My friend, Katie…”
“Dirk told me. She can come too. We’ll talk when you get here.”
“Thank you,” I say on a sob. I shove the phone back to Dirk, pulling away from Raffe. I take a few steps away from them, gasping for breath. Once I’ve pulled myself together I walk over to the swings and take Katie’s hand in mine.
After I get her buckled in Dirk leans through the window. “You okay to drive?”
“Yeah, sure. Katie and I are going to swing through a drive-thru before we head out of town if that’s okay.”
He nods slowly, studying my face intently. “Of course. We’ll follow you.”
I avoid his gaze and fire up Sylvia. He steps away. My eyes trail him in the mirror as he walks back to his bike.
“Ready?” I ask Katie.
“Ready for takeoff,” she responds in a cute little robot voice.
We giggle.
While Katie is munching on her fries, I decide to call Dan.
“Hey, doll,” he answers. He is at the shop. I can hear the faint buzz of the gun in the background.
“Dirk and Raffe are taking me to see him.”
The buzzing stops.
“I figured now was as good a time as any.” I drum my fingers over the steering wheel. “I’ll be back Sunday.”
“Jesse, that’s great. Bill is going to be over the moon.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Do you want me to come down after I close?”
“You don’t have to.” I keep my eye on the Rebel Skull patches guiding me. They keep me moving forward. My outward appearance is calm, for Katie. But, inside I’m screaming, kicking, and fighting. I want to turn around. Go back to what is familiar. What is safe. I sigh. It’s not safe. Actually, it’s not safe anywhere.
“I know I don’t have to. Answer the damn question, Jess.”
“Yes.”
“See you tonight then. Anything you need me to bring?”
“Maybe the black duffle bag on the chair in your room.”
“Got it. You’re doing the right thing by giving him a chance. Have I ever steered you wrong?” The buzz starts up again.
“No.” I pause. “Thank you.”
He grunts and hangs up.
Good news is Katie is fed, happy and away from the people who hurt her.
Bad news is it’s my fault she got hurt to begin with.
Chapter Twenty
Jesse
◆◆◆
We travel north for a few hours and then head west, the dusty scenery changing before our eyes. Katie points out the window. “Look, Jesse, it’s a lake!” she exclaims, bouncing in her seat.
I smile at her. I’d be just as excited except my nerves are getting the best of me. She rolls her window down and the smell of pine and fresh dirt permeates the inside of the rod chasing away the smell of fast food. The air is cool here in the foothills.
We turn off the main road and head closer to the lake. A large warehouse comes into view, on the west side. Bikes are scattered on the asphalt in front of the building. Dirk and Raffe park amongst the other bikes pointing me to park up in front of a smaller building. The bay doors are pushed open. A couple of guys working on their bikes glance our direction before going back to wor
k.
I shut the engine off and stare at the little girl in my passenger seat. Her eyes are wide. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea. I forgot my dad is the president of a biker club. He lives here, with other people from the club. Then she squeals, a high-pitched noise that confuses me. “Your daddy lives in a castle!”
My eyes go back to the warehouse. A castle? Through the eyes of babes, my grandmother used to say. I wish I could see the world the way she is seeing it. She is a brave little girl.
However, her enthusiasm changes the minute we are out of the rod. She presses her tiny body into the side of mine as Dirk and Raffe approach us. They seem to understand the situation and hover a few feet away as I pull the trash bag from behind my seat.
Wrapping my arm around her tightly we follow them inside. When we step across the threshold my mouth falls open. This is…wow, holy cow. It looks like we stepped inside a lodge. It looks nothing like I thought it would. I almost want to step outside to make sure we haven’t stepped into an alternate world or something.
I glance up at the open balcony above us and there stands my father. He quickly heads for the stairs and jogs down to greet us. He doesn’t take his eyes of me. Dirk stops him and whispers something in his ear. My dad’s face softens, his gaze never leaving me. He nods, pats Dirk on the back and makes his way towards us. He slows when he is a few feet away.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” he says.
“Katie, this is my dad, his name is Bill,” I squeeze her tighter. “Dad, this is my friend, Katie.”
My dad lowers himself to one knee, so he is eye level with her. “It’s nice to meet you, Katie. That is such a pretty name.”
She blushes and rubs her dirty face over my shirt. “Hello,” she says quietly.
“Have you both eaten?” he asks, rising to his feet.
“Yeah, we picked something up and ate on the road.”
“Let me show you to your room. It’s upstairs.”
