Blood and Light

by Rue Volley

  Copyright 2010

  Written by Michelle Stultz

  Cover shot taken by Rue Volley

  Inside shot taken by Jackae Johnson

  Model: Sydney Charvat

  2

  Blood and Light

  By Rue Volley

  3

  Chapters

  1. Why I Hate Birthdays.

  2. Awkward Introductions.

  3. I'm With Stoopid.

  4. Rolling River.

  5. Bonfire.

  6. Blue.

  7. Cherubs Suck.

  8. Mirrors and White Leather.

  9. Think of Yourself Lightly.

  10. Damn Rabbit.

  11. Moment of Clarity.

  12. Who I Am.

  13. Protect What Means the Most to You.

  14. Want and Need.

  15. Valon.

  16. You Are Making Me Hungry.

  17. Tuning Fork.

  18. Resurrection.

  4

  Dedication

  So I started writing this book a couple days before my biological father passed away. His name is William Jennings Hicks. I didn't know him very well.

  My parents were divorced when I was only seven and I met him only a few times after that. I spent my childhood wishing that I had him in my life...any girl would.

  The first time you feel unwanted, as a girl, is the worst one to swallow. My mother did re-marry and John was a good father. We didn't always get along, but it takes a special person to step into a family already created. He did the best that he could, I am sure. Trust me...I am not the easiest girl to tame; I gave him a lot of grief.

  When I found out that William had passed away, I had already handwritten two chapters of this book. William was always Rue's Dad in the book, from the first moment. In this book, he was a loving father, who…along with my mother…

  did everything he could to protect her from the world he came from. He also had a fierce loyalty to her mother... I always dreamed that was the case in my life.

  I knew then, as I do now, that he helped me write this book and see it through to the last page. If that's what you wanted to give me, then I appreciate it with all my heart William. I really do. I grieved in this book...it only came out occasionally, but when I came to chapter 11, I wrote of you as I had dreamed you would be. I have said goodbye to you now, and my heart is no longer heavy with regret. You will live in me forever, because you helped create me…and for that I will forever be grateful

  To you. All my love…

  5

  6

  Chapter 1

  Why I Hate Birthdays

  7

  I looked down, “Call Blocked” was flashing up at me. I hit the button and mouthed the words...

  “Hello?” I said.

  “Rue?”

  “Mom?” I said, in a whisper.

  I remember dropping the phone.

  ******

  “Hey, you okay?”

  As things came into focus there he was, my angelic brother Kai, always disheveled and so pretty it was disgusting. It's not to say...that I never had my good days, when clothes and hair seemed to magically make sense, but I swear to god, he always looked better than me.

  “I'm fine...really,” I said as I cleared my throat.

  He looked at me a little strange and held out his hand.

  “Well?” he said.

  “What, Kai?”

  “You need food!” He yelled out.

  “Noooo... I really don't think...” I tried to say.

  Kai ran towards the kitchen... And he's off to poison me. Just perfect. He is going to cook another thing he cannot name, because we won't recognize it as food.

  “No really, I'll just eat some fruit or something!” I yelled after him.

  “Nope I insist sis!” He said as he smiled over his shoulder. I rolled my eyes.

  I sat for a moment making sure I had my balance, before I elbowed my way up onto my favorite chair and I put my hands up to my head. It hurt…headaches suck.

  “So?” I looked up; Kai had a spoon too big in one hand and a pot too small in the other.

  “What? I said.

  Kai looked at me with a crooked smile.

  “You decide to sleep on the floor now?” He said as he leaned forward.

  I thought for a second, looking down at my hands. I rubbed them, squeezing at my palms.

  “No,” I muttered. “Not my first choice.”

  He flopped down next to me, half knocking me off the chair.

  “Hey! Turd.” I muttered to him.

  He laughed and elbowed me jumping up. “Your sleepwalking shit is just soooo last year, Rue.”

  “Do you think you could, oh I don't know...pick up just one more curse word?

  Kinda committed yourself to the word „shit" haven't you?” I said as I raised my eyebrows at him.

  He tapped the spoon to his butt giving me the “kiss it” motion...

  “And now I need a shower,” I said, throwing my hands up.

  “Be back down after the massacre!”

  8

  “Ha Ha...” he yelled after me, but I was already halfway up the stairs, so I missed the sarcastic ending to the Ha. What a shame...

  ******

  The shower felt great, greater than great really. The hot water seemed to relax the knots from a year"s worth of no sleep. Well…sleep on the move, I called it. I guess I'm the world"s most amazing multi-tasker... I just wish the faint dark circles, under my eyes, would go away. Doesn't help that my skin"s so pale and my hair"s so dark...looks black when it's wet…Oh well. I brushed my hair out of my face with my hand and it hit me... I don't look 17…I look 30… Shit. 30 is so old!

  After drying my hair, the static in it was beyond ridiculous. I closed my eyes and focused on the electricity causing it. I held my hands together until I could feel, what I can only describe as a vibration, and then ran both my hands over my head collecting it. Then I threw both of my hands towards the floor. Yep, just one more thing, which meant me and the library would end up married. How do I explain that I can “collect” energy from my body and get rid of it, by flicking my hands? That's why I love the library, I don't have to talk to it, just grab a book... Oh well, I don't plan on dating, haven't been bothered by any boys so far...so no worries. I don't stand out... I don't want too either.

  I reluctantly tried to make a smart choice from my closet, devoid of any fashion.

  Lets see…button down, button down, thermal, t-shirt, t-shirt, t-shirt...the choices so vast. I took the high road and closed my eyes. I reached out and touched the winner.

  “Ahhhhh,” I said.

  The thermal won. Jeans and tennis shoes followed. I turned to look in the mirror and bit my lip.

  “Well...another stunning moment here at Fashion Week,” I muttered.

  I stood for one moment longer, and wondered if I'd ever look like my mother, I decided quickly…probably never. She is pretty...I'm not. Pretty and me don't fit in the same sentence.

  I could hear the plates clattering on the table downstairs, and I just knew that Kai's cooking experiment was ready. I ran down the stairs, ready to take my punishment.

  “Hey zombie girl!” Kai said, half laughing.

  “Um thanks... What is this?” I said as I looked at something I could not recognize.

  “Well, I was watchin" T.V. and it's „chicken Italiano"...Kai style!”

  He was so proud I decided to forgo our usual go-around, in the sarcasm ring, and sat down. I picked up my fork and poked at it, half expecting it to blow up on my plate, but instead, I saw that the chicken wasn't even cooked...well not all the way. Blood smeared on my plate. I grimaced.

  “Um...Kai?” I said as nice as I could.

  “Yea?” He
said as he stared at his plate, he stabbed the chicken with his fork and picked it, inspecting it. He sniffed at it and sat it back down on his plate.

  “Is it supposed to be pink inside?” I asked.

  9

  “Oh shi…crap! Here let me cook it some more.”

  He grabbed at my plate, and I felt compelled to pull out a save...

  “It's okay...really I'll just eat...” I tried to say, but he grabbed it away from me.

  “We'll eat on the way... Sorry I thought…” Kai picked up his plate too and walked to the trashcan, he scraped them off in the garbage. He stood there staring into the trashcan.

  “No really Kai...it was beautiful for pictures...maybe a cooking mag or something,”

  I said.

  Kai stood still, with his back towards me, I thought for a moment that he was angry, when all of a sudden he turned around...with a huge crooked smile on his face.

  “You"re the turd,” and he started to laugh.

  He snapped a dishtowel at me. I almost fell off my chair to avoid it.

  “Looks like tacos won again!” He said as he winked at me.

  He obviously had to do his Shakespearean impression along with this life shattering announcement...he held his hands to his throat, then in one smooth motion jabbed towards his chest simulating the tacos final stab into his heart.

  I laughed and said “Kai-0; tacos-105.”

  “Oh shut up.” We both grabbed our bags and hit the door.

  ******

  “Grace Volley Room 314”

  “We are her kids Rue and Kai Volley.”

  The nurse put her Romance paperback down.

  “I know Miss Volley. You kids are here every week... Just sign in please”

  This nurse was new I thought, but who knew, we had been coming here for a year and 2 days… They all blurred one into another, not like they all wore anything but white. The only thing that changed was the nametags. Holly, Jackae, Kathryn...all different and yet the same...all the gatekeepers to the 3rd floor. Rolling River... Wow, never even knew about this place until my mom came here. Who the hell calls an asylum Rolling River anyway? Oh R & R... How clever. Can't even believe it took me this long to catch onto that golden nugget of info. I smiled as I thought it through.

  “So...is he a pirate?” Kai said as he leaned over the counter towards the nurse.

  I turned to look at Kai, wondering what the hell he was talking about to Nurse what"s-her-name.

  She raised her eyes to him and a look of confusion came across her face.

  “Excuse me? She said.

  “You know... The guy on the cover of that book...pirate or buuutttt pirate?” Kai said.

  “I'm afraid I don't know what... Oh…!! I see.” The nurse put her book down and said, “Why...? Are you gay?”

  Kai started getting a little red...“No!! I...well… You have the book not me!”

  10

  She smiled at him and said, “Such a shame, it's always the pretty boys…that's a waste.” She gave Kai a wink and leaned back in her chair. I think she knew she was winning the war.

  “What the fuc…?” Kai started to say and I grabbed at his mouth.

  “Kai!! Lets go... You walked right into that one.”

  “Oh shut up, Rue!” he muttered, as he stared her down.

  I grabbed his arm, and started walking him towards the elevator... Nurse

  “burnt my smart ass brother"s ass” was laughing. I giggled...trying to make it sound like I was clearing my throat. We got to the elevator and Kai pressed in the code...the one that changed every week. “3140029” today. We got on, him not saying a word. I kept choking down my laughter.

  “Swear to god Rue…grow up,” he muttered as the doors closed in front of us.

  “Oh I think you should ask her out... I like her,” I said as I shrugged my shoulders.

  “Knock it off,” he said... I guess she did piss him off...funny.

  The doors opened and we walked down the hallway.

  I turned to Kai... “Think today you might come in?”

  “No... Sorry Rue, just let me know when you wanna go,” he said as he put his hands in his pockets.

  “You sure?” I said, with one last sigh.

  “Yea... I'll be downstairs,” he said as he turned back to the elevator.

  “...I won't be long,” I said to his back. I looked into the room and clinched my hands. I hate this part.

  I had been sitting in this white room with my mom for a year and 2 days. I spend my time here blah blah blahing about tests, grades, and Kai"s lack of cooking skill. All the crap I would say to her, if she could hear me. I don't remember, well actually I do... 172 days ago Kai simply let go of my hand...and let me spend my time here, alone, trying to remind our mother that we existed…and loved her. Well, I told her I loved her, but honestly love was slowly being swallowed by hate and anger. I hoped every week that I'd walk in and she'd look at me and say “Hello”...but hope fades when you always want and never get. It was the same every time... She would stare off somewhere, someplace I couldn't be, and I so wanted to go there with her, but she left me behind... I mean all of us behind. Maybe, just maybe, that's why Kai couldn't sit here watching it anymore, and for the first moment I thought maybe he was smarter than me and dad.

  “Hey we can go now,” I said as I looked down at Kai on the bench.

  Kai looked up at me and said, “Sweet! Got plans tonight anyway.”

  “Okay... Doing what?” I asked him... Did I really care...? Probably not. I'll act like it though, for his sake.

  He got up off the bench in the hospitals gardens (intended to allow for deep thought, I guess). “Party... You should come,” he said as he grinned.

  “Do you some good to mingle with people, instead of books Rue...books or Mom, neither one talks.”

  I kinda stepped back with a puzzled look on my face.

  “Gosh...sounds like something I would just love to do...! But I'll just stay on the crazy train with Moby Dick... Thanks anyway.”

  11

  “GEEZUS RUE, YOU CAN'T JUST STOP...”

  I stopped walking, and turned to him...kinda stunned that he had yelled at me.

  “STOP WHAT?” I said, as I looked at him, with a surprised look on my face.

  He looked at me; he calmed down a little bit. He sighed.

  “Stop living...” he muttered as he raised his hands and dropped them at his sides.

  “I haven't stopped LIVING... I LIKE BOOKS. OKAY...!” I yelled.

  He crossed his arms and yelled again.

  “OH FUCKING STOP ALREADY!”

  He brushed past me and jumped into the car...revving the engine. I stood there shocked, this was the most real emotion I had seen out of him in forever. I decided to hop in the car, before he went total psycho on me, leaving me here...

  to walk home. We sat in silence all the way home. He turned on the T.V. When we got home and started to play a game and I went to my room. I sat there thinking about it for a while on my bed. I sighed and got up, just knowing I would regret this decision, and headed for the stairs. I reached the bottom of the steps and looked at the back of his head. I almost turned around, but then I opened my mouth.

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Okay what Rue?” Kai said, as he leaned on the couch with each turn his virtual car took, on the T.V.

  “Okay so... I'll go,” I said as I looked at my hands and rubbed my palms.

  ”No shit!” He said, as he looked at me. I raised my eyebrows.

  “Kai!”

  “Sorrrry... Well...get ready, we're leavin" in like 20.”

  I looked at him, then down at my clothes and said, “I am ready?” completely confused.

  Kai dropped his gaming controller and looked at me, up and down. “Okay, if you don't want to change or anything…” He just let those words hang in the air.

  I hate him. I do.

  I looked at him, with my hands on my hips and asked. “What...? My choice in clothing gonna me
ss up your cool rep or somethin"?”

  “No Rue...just thought you'd „girl-up" or something... Sorry.” He went back to racing, knowing he was aggravating the crap out of me.

  “Girl-up…? What does that even mean?” I asked him.

  “Okay, big nerd…just do your thang,” he said with sarcasm.

  He went back to racing and I decided that maybe I'd give it a shot… So I turned around, and ran back up the stairs. Why, I do not know.

  ******

  So here I am. Me -vs.- the lip gloss. Okay Rue, you can do this. I pulled my hair back and kinda put it in a bubbled ponytail. Whew...okay, off to a good start…I guess. I brushed a little powder on my face, used some pink-ish red lip gloss and pulled out the mascara. I stared at it...it looks scary, this bristled thing… I raised it to my eye slowly.

  “Oh damn it!” I cried out. I got some of this toxic crap in my eye... Shit!

  12

  I ran to my sink and washed it off…and had to go for round 2 on the powder.

  “Good god, why the hell am I even doing this?” I whispered to myself.

  I avoided stabbing myself in the eye again and looked at myself in the mirror. I bit my lip. Okay, on the face front, I guess...so now I'm in a shirt emergency. I got up from my vanity, and walked to my closet, like a cowboy in a showdown... Swear to god, I could hear the whistle from some old western...

  “Geez and rice,” I muttered.

  Wow. What a disaster of a selection. I decided to jump right in, all will and no knowledge, and I slammed my head on the bar hanging over me, when my

  “BFF” came running into the room.

  “OMG!! I can't believe your going OUT!!” Sara yelled at me...too loud, we need inside voice.

  “HOLY SHIT SARA...!! You almost gave me a freakin' heart attack!” I said, as I rubbed my head.

  “Oh Rue LOOKIE... Lip gloss!” she said as she reached toward me, tilting my head up toward her. I kinda shrugged a shoulder, and pulled myself out of her grip.

  “Yea…thought I'd give it a go… I should just wipe this off,” I said as I rolled my eyes and reached for tissue. She interrupted me, drawing out a slow, “Noooo!”

  Sara grabbed the tissue out of my hand.

  In one pixie like motion, she hopped on the edge of my bed with 3