Pieces of My Heart
Page 14
‘If you’re not better tomorrow I’ll take you to the doctor. I’m worried about you, Ali. You really don’t look well.’
‘It’s OK, Mum – I feel a bit better already. I just need a good night’s sleep.’
‘I’ll bring you up some Nurofen and a hot drink. It’ll help you sleep.’
As I got up to leave the room, I caught an unpleasant whiff. ‘What’s that smell?’ I asked. ‘It’s like gone-off cheese or something.’
‘I don’t smell anything,’ she said.
‘It’s quite strong.’
‘It’s just you and your bionic nose,’ Ali said, giving me a watery smile. ‘Can you get me the Nurofen, Mum? I need it to help me sleep.’
She closed her eyes and I left the room. If she wasn’t better in the morning, I’d take her to Dr Garner. She must have been coming down with this bug over the last week or so. That would explain why she’d been so snappy.
‘Is Ali all right?’ Paul asked, as I came in.
‘No. Her temperature is normal, but she’s shivering and seems exhausted so maybe she’s picked up a virus. I’m going to get her a hot drink and some Nurofen.’
‘That explains why she’s been off her food,’ Charlie said.
‘She looks awful and she’s upset. I’m really worried about her. I think she’s over-stressed. Maybe she should take a few days off school. She seems overwhelmed with everything. I think she’s getting depressed.’
‘Did anything bad happen to her at school?’ Sally asked Sarah.
‘Not that I know of, but she does seem to be on her own a lot.’
‘Where’s Donna?’ I asked.
‘She seems to be friendly with Julie now.’
‘I hope Ali hasn’t fallen out with her. Maybe you could talk to Donna tomorrow and ask her,’ I suggested.
‘OK – but I have problems too.’
‘Why? What’s going on?’ I asked.
‘Rachel Black is, like, so trying to get into Bobby’s pants.’
‘The bitch,’ Sally said.
‘I sincerely hope that nobody is getting into Bobby’s pants,’ Paul exclaimed.
‘Hello! It’s an expression. Anyway, she says she can do perfect spray tans. Mine are still a bit streaky. Bobby was embarrassed last week playing the match against St Gabriel’s because the back of his right leg had a big white patch where I’d missed, but I’m getting better. Besides, Rachel is, like, a total bitch – she’s always trying to put me down. She made this big fuss about how I thought the Dalai Lama was an animal.’
‘Sarah!’
‘Well, Mum, a llama is an animal, isn’t it?’ she countered.
‘She has a point there.’ Sally giggled.
‘What am I paying for?’ Paul wondered. ‘Thousands of pounds spent on a private education and you come out with that.’
‘You don’t have to rub it in. I’ve already been made a fool of. But it actually backfired on her because Bobby thought it was an animal, too. So now everyone knows that we’re, like, a perfect match.’
‘Just like Nadia and me.’ Charlie beamed.
‘How is your romance going?’ Sally asked.
‘Fantastic. I’ve been given a new lease of life. I feel young again and the sex is great. I’ll tell you, Sally, I’m a different man.’
‘Good for you. I need some of that. Maybe I should look at dating older men.’
‘With Viagra, we’re as good as the young fellas.’
‘I’ll keep that in mind.’
‘Well, I hope you can tear yourself away from Nadia for New Year, because I’ve got some exciting news,’ I announced.
‘What?’ Sarah asked.
‘Remember we talked about getting away?’
‘Oh, my God, Mum, did you book it?’
‘Yes, I did. I’ve booked a family holiday to Tenerife.’
‘Brilliant! Are you coming, Dad?’
‘Yes, he is,’ I said firmly. ‘He’s not happy about leaving the pub, but he’s coming.’
‘It’s one of the busiest times of the year for me, but your mother put her foot down and said we all needed a change of scenery, especially Ali.’
‘Cool. I can’t wait.’ Sarah’s enthusiasm was infectious.
‘I’m glad you’re pleased. Hopefully, it’ll do us good. I really want to get Ali away from her books and David and all the hassles of the last few months.’
‘When are we going?’ Sarah wanted to know.
‘We fly out on the twenty-sixth of December for a week. I’ve run it by my business partner here and she’s OK with it. In fact, she said she might come out for a few days.’
‘Cool! We’ll have great fun and I’ll have a tan going back to school.’ Sarah beamed.
‘Nadia’ll be delighted – she loves the sun,’ said Charlie.
‘I didn’t book a ticket for Nadia. I presumed she’d be going home to Poland for Christmas.’
‘Not at all, she’s staying here with me.’
‘I was thinking it’d be a nice family holiday,’ I emphasized.
‘Nadia is family.’
‘No, Charlie, she isn’t.’
‘Actually, Ava, I’ve a bit of news myself.’
I put down the Nurofen, and the tea that I’d made for Ali, and sat down.
‘As you know, I’ve grown very fond of Nadia. She has come into my life and brought a spring back into my step.’
‘Good for you,’ Sally said.
‘She makes me very happy and I’ve fallen in love with her. I believe she feels the same way too, which is why …’ he paused for effect ‘… I’m going to ask her to marry me.’
‘What?’ Sarah looked shocked.
‘You hardly know her,’ Paul said, incredulous.
‘Maybe you should think about it a little longer.’ Sally tried to be diplomatic.
‘ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?’ I roared. ‘Did you learn nothing from the Catherine fiasco?’
‘Nadia is nothing like Catherine. She hardly drinks.’
‘That’s not the point.’
‘What is?’
‘You jumping into marriage with women you barely know!’
Paul took the tea and Nurofen for Ali and ushered Sally and Sarah out of the room.
‘I made a mistake with Catherine and I paid for it. Nadia is not a mistake. I love her. She makes me feel young again and she makes me laugh.’
‘Fine, so live with her for a while. Why do you have to bloody marry everyone? You swore you’d never marry again after Catherine.’
‘I didn’t think I’d fall in love again, but I have. I’m old-fashioned. I like being married.’
‘Jesus Christ, Charlie, when are you going to grow up? Marrying Nadia is the stupidest thing you could possibly do. She’s a gold-digger. I can’t protect you if you keep ignoring my advice. I told you not to marry Catherine and now I’m begging you not to marry Nadia.’
His face reddened. ‘And when are you going to forgive me for marrying Catherine? I’ve paid my dues, Ava. I’m sixty-eight years old, I don’t have a lot of time left and I’ve been lucky enough to meet someone I’m mad about. I’m not going to let this opportunity go by because you don’t approve. Why can’t you just be happy for me?’
‘Because I know this is a huge mistake.’
‘Didn’t a lot of your friends think you marrying Paul at twenty-two was a mistake?’
‘Yes.’
‘And it turned out to be the best decision you ever made. Love defies logic.’
19
The next morning I was relieved to see Ali looking a bit better. She was up and dressed before me and was eating a bowl of cereal when I came down. She seemed perkier, but I still thought she should stay at home for the day. Charlie had offered to look after her while I was at work, but she insisted that she wanted to go to school.
‘I feel much better. Please, Mum, I want to go.’
I checked her temperature. It was normal. ‘OK, you can go to school, but if you feel like coming home at any ti
me, call me. I’ve packed you a big lunch today. You need to build yourself up, pet.’
Ali put the Tupperware box into her bag and went to get her coat. While she was out of earshot, I reminded Sarah to keep a close eye on her and talk to Donna to see if she could shed some light on Ali’s behaviour. I was worried that we were missing the big picture. Maybe something had happened in class that none of us knew about.
When I got to work, Sally was waiting for me. She handed me a coffee.
‘Thanks. I need that. I was up all night worrying about Ali and Charlie.’
‘You’ve a lot on your plate at the moment.’ Sally stirred her coffee. ‘How was Ali this morning?’
‘Better. She’s still peaky, but she seemed OK and insisted on going to school. I think she might be depressed.’
‘She’s very thin.’
‘I know. I try to make sure she has a big breakfast every morning and I’ve been making her lunches lately to try to get her to eat more.’
Sally went to take a sip of her coffee, changed her mind and put her mug down. ‘Ava, has Ali been doing anything out of character or strange in the last few weeks?’
‘To be honest, she’s been like a different person lately. Sometimes I don’t recognize her. I keep asking her if anything is wrong, but she won’t talk to me.’
‘I suppose what I mean is, has Ali started exercising more or talking about weight all the time?’
‘She doesn’t really talk about weight, but then she doesn’t talk to me about anything any more. She’s taken up cycling and the other thing she’s doing a lot of is cooking. She spends hours reading cookbooks and insists on baking chocolate cakes and brownies and muffins almost every day.’
‘Does she cycle much?’
‘She only goes on Saturdays when I’m at work, but Charlie said she’s gone for ages sometimes.’
‘Does she eat the cakes she cooks?’
‘She usually takes them up to her room because she only allows herself a thirty-minute study break for dinner.’
‘Ava,’ Sally said, fidgeting with a paperclip, ‘while you were having it out with Charlie, I went upstairs to talk to Ali. I got a fright when I saw how thin she was and she seemed depressed, as you said, so I wanted to check on her.’
‘Did she talk to you?’
‘No, she said she wanted to go to sleep but I noticed the smell of rotting food in her room. I think she might be hiding food under her bed.’
‘I got that smell too. Ali said I was imagining things. I meant to go back up and investigate, but then I was distracted by Charlie’s bombshell, and when I went up, she was fast asleep so I left her.’
‘Ava,’ Sally said gently, ‘have you considered that Ali might have an eating disorder?’
‘No … not really, because she eats a proper breakfast and lunch – although she has cut back on her dinner. I do think she’s depressed, though.’ I began to shake. I suddenly felt sick.
‘Do you actually sit down and watch her eating breakfast?’ Sally persisted.
‘Well, I don’t stare at her while she chews every bite. I’m up and down a bit getting things for the others, but I’m in the kitchen with her.’ I was beginning to feel defensive and uncomfortable.
Sally stood up and began pacing the room. ‘Ava, when I first moved to London I had a flatmate who had anorexia. She used to pretend to eat breakfast, but one day I saw her hiding her toast in her napkin when she thought I wasn’t looking. She was also obsessed with cookbooks and cooking, but never ate what she made and she exercised non-stop. She used to do star jumps in her bedroom until two in the morning. She wore oversized baggy clothes all the time and she was permanently cold.’
My chest tightened. Ali was always cold and insisted on wearing that awful baggy tracksuit after school. My hand flew up to my mouth. ‘Oh, Jesus, Sally.’
‘Ava? Are you OK?’ Sally asked, as I turned green. ‘Look, it’s just a thought. I could be totally wrong. I just felt I had to mention it.’
I tried to stand up, but fell back into my chair, my legs like jelly. How had I missed the signs? They were all there. How could I have been so blind?
Sally came around and knelt beside me.
‘How could I have been so stupid?’
‘Hold on,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry for giving you a fright. Let’s take this one step at a time. It could be a phase. She might just be losing weight because she got her heart broken.’
I looked at my best friend. ‘We both know it’s not a phase. What am I going to do? How do I stop it?’
‘Would you consider calling one of the help-lines to see what they have to say? I actually looked up a number this morning. They’re supposed to be very good.’ She handed me a piece of paper with a number on it.
My hands were shaking so much I couldn’t dial it. Sally touched my arm. ‘Would you like me to do that?’
I nodded. She punched in the numbers.
‘Hello, Eating Disorder Help-line, can I help you?’
I cleared my throat. ‘Yes, hello, I’m calling because I think … I think …’
‘Take your time.’
‘I think my daughter may have a problem.’
‘How old is she?’
‘Seventeen.’
‘Why don’t you tell me what she’s doing that is causing you concern?’
The words tumbled out of my mouth: ‘She’s suddenly cooking all the time and cycling for miles and she only eats small meals in the evening and she’s angry all the time and she seems depressed and she’s constantly freezing and I thought she was eating breakfast and lunch, but now I don’t know – I think maybe she’s been hiding food when I’m not looking. She’s really thin.’
‘Is she tired all the time?’
‘Yes.’
‘Is the cycling a new hobby?’
‘Yes.’
‘Does she cut her food up into very small portions?’
‘Yes.’
‘Does she seem withdrawn and uncommunicative?’
‘Yes.’
‘When you try talking to her, how does she react?’
‘She tells me she’s fine and asks me to go away.’
‘How long has she been behaving out of character?’
‘About two and a half months but it’s got much worse recently.’
‘Did something happen to upset her?’
‘Her boyfriend broke up with her a couple of months ago and she was devastated.’
‘I see. It does sound like she might be developing an eating disorder. My advice would be that you take her to a doctor to be properly assessed. Your GP will be able to diagnose her and help you decide on an action plan. And I know how hard it must be, but please try not to panic – you’re aware of it now and it’s still in the early stages, so there’s every chance you can help her to change her behaviour.’
The woman’s voice was very soothing and comforting.
I began to sob. ‘She used to be such a happy, lovely girl.’
‘She still is. It’s just hidden under all this stress and hunger.’
‘Why am I so stupid? How did I not see it earlier?’
‘This is not your fault. It’s obvious that you care very much for your daughter and want to do everything to make her better, so don’t be hard on yourself. We can’t watch them twenty-four hours a day. Now, why don’t you put down the phone and ring your GP immediately? You’ll feel stronger when you know exactly what you’re dealing with. And we’re always here to talk to, whenever you need us.’
‘OK, thank you.’
I hung up, put my head in my hands and bawled. Sally wrapped her arms tightly around me. ‘What did she say?’
‘She thinks Ali does have an eating disorder and I need to take her to the doctor immediately. Oh, God, Sally, how could I be such an idiot? How did I not pick this up? A mother is supposed to know when something is wrong with her child.’
‘You knew there was something wrong with her, Ava, you just didn’t know what it was.’
‘She is your priority. You’ve been telling me for weeks that you’re worried about her and you kept trying to talk to her but she blocked you out.’
‘I should have tried harder. I should have kept a closer eye on her.’
‘Ava, you did your best.’
‘That’s just it, Sally. My best isn’t nearly good enough.’
‘Come on, don’t beat yourself up. You’re a great mum.’
‘Am I? Do great mums often miss the fact that their daughters are starving themselves? Do great mums need their best friends to point it out?’
‘Ava, stop. It’s not going to do you or Ali any good if you berate yourself.’
I took a deep breath. ‘You’re right. I need to focus on sorting this out.’ I stood up and dropped my tissue into the wastepaper basket. ‘I’m sorry about this, Sally. I know we’re busy today but I need to go home. I want to call Dr Garner and get my head straight.’
‘Why don’t I drive you?’
‘No, thanks. I’ll be fine. I just need to process all of this and start figuring out how to fix it.’
‘Are you sure? I’d be happy to help.’
‘You’ve helped so much already. If it wasn’t for you –’ I began to cry again.
‘Stop it. You knew something was wrong all along.’
I took a deep breath and composed myself. ‘Thanks for everything. I’ll call you later.’
‘Good luck – and let me know if you need anything.’
I don’t remember the journey home. I flung open the front door, ran upstairs to Ali’s bedroom and looked around. There was a rotten smell coming from under the bed. I crouched down and gagged. Hidden there I found mounds of mouldering chocolate cake, slices of toast, mashed potato, steak … at least three days’ worth of uneaten food. Covering my mouth, I piled it into her bin and looked at her desk. There were pictures of models pinned to the noticeboard above it. They were all painfully thin. How had I not noticed this before? I found the bathroom scales under her desk.
I turned her computer on and went into her Internet history. I felt physically ill when I saw the long list of sites that came up: thinnestofthemall, pro-anorexia, prettythin.com, ana’sthinspiration …