Pieces of My Heart

by Sinéad Moriarty

  ‘How did you resolve it?’

  ‘The one thing we agreed on was how much we loved each other. That was set in stone. But he also wants to be a dad and I don’t want to be a mum. So we have finally come to an agreement.’

  ‘What?’ I was nervous about the answer.

  Sally played with her fork. ‘It’s going to sound a bit unconventional. I need you to brace yourself.’

  I sat up and paid full attention. ‘I’m all ears.’

  ‘We’re going to get married as soon as his divorce comes through and then Simon’s going to adopt a baby on his own. I’ll have no legal rights to it. I’ll just be its stepmother or surrogate mother or whatever the term is, if there even is a term.’

  ‘Wow.’ I wasn’t sure what else to say. It was certainly an unusual arrangement.

  ‘We’re going to live beside each other – Simon’s going to buy the apartment across from me that’s for sale. He’ll be the baby’s primary parent, but I’ll be there to help him out. I know I’ll love the child and I know I can help to bring it up, I just don’t want the responsibility of being its actual mother. Does that sound really weird?’

  I cleared my throat. ‘It is unconventional, but knowing you and him, I think it’s inspired. You’re both getting what you want and he’ll be a great dad and you’ll make a fantastic stepmum, so the baby will be much loved. For you guys, it’s the perfect solution.’

  ‘I’m glad you think so. We really looked at every single angle and this was the only way we felt we could both be truly happy and fulfilled. I get to stay with Simon and I’m really happy to be a stepmum. I’m not sure how we’ll work out the sleeping arrangements – I guess I’ll sleep there a few nights a week – but we’re committed to staying together and moving forward.’

  ‘That’s great. Isn’t there some movie star who lives in a separate house from his wife and kids?’

  ‘Yeah, Woody Allen and Mia Farrow lived in separate houses, but the less said about that the better. They’re not exactly a shining example of success.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said.

  ‘Some bloody comfort you are.’ Sally began to laugh. Within seconds we were both in hysterics.

  ‘I’ve got it!’ I shouted. ‘Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton live in adjoining houses in London. They seem really happy.’

  Sally waved her glass in the air. ‘Hurrah! Yes, they do seem happy, and if it can work for them, it can work for Simon and me.’

  We drank to that. I then broached with Sally the prospect that I might have to give up work for a while if Ali didn’t manage to eat properly. If I had to hold her hand I would – anything to stop her going back into the clinic. ‘You know how proud I am of Happy Dayz, I love coming to work with you every day, but if Ali can’t manage her food on her own, I’ll have to give up for a while to focus on her.’

  ‘Hold on a minute. If, and it’s only an if, Ali can’t manage her food intake, you can go home and help her with her meals, and while she’s in school or studying you can work. Didn’t the psychologist say you needed to keep your own life? Besides, I thought Donna said she’d eat lunch with her and let you know if anything started to slip.’

  ‘Yes, she did, bless her. But a lot of girls find it difficult to maintain their meal plans once they get out of the clinic. Look, with luck, Ali will be fine and there won’t be any problems, but I just wanted to mention it in case.’

  ‘OK, fine. Whatever happens we’ll work around it. I’m not losing my work partner. How’s Ali getting on so far?’

  ‘Really well, actually, she hasn’t lost any weight. It’s so nice having her home. She’s back to her new self – a more assertive, but still sweet Ali.’

  ‘It’s been a rough few months, hasn’t it?’ Sally squeezed my hand.

  ‘I feel as if I’ve lived a lifetime since September. And I used to think I had it all figured out. I was a working mother with two great children. No problems with drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancies … Well, that bubble was certainly burst. I’m just like every other parent out there. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying my best to deal with each crisis as it comes along and hoping against hope that I make the right decisions.’

  ‘You’re doing a great job, you’re a great mum.’

  I put my fork down, chewed slowly and swallowed. ‘You know, Sally, I really thought I was, but I’m not. I’m just a mum. I make mistakes, big ones, and I have to deal with the consequences. This experience has crushed any notions I had about having good parenting skills.’

  ‘Everyone goes through rough patches with their kids. I was a nightmare to my poor mother, but I turned out OK. You’re doing the best you can and that’s all anyone can ask. You can’t control the way your children react to things – it’s in their DNA. There was no way you could have predicted Ali’s anorexia. You really have to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re a wonderful mother and Paul’s a brilliant dad. You’re a great team.’

  ‘Thanks. Speaking of teams, did I tell you Paul’s taking me to Paris next weekend?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘He’s booked the same hotel we stayed in eighteen years ago, where Ali was conceived. I can’t believe he remembered. It’s such a lovely surprise – well, it was a shock actually. Paul’s never organized anything in his life. I’m thrilled.’

  ‘Good for Paul … and good for you. You guys deserve a break. Do you want me to look in on the girls?’

  ‘Thanks for offering, but Charlie’s moving back in for the weekend.’

  ‘How is he?’

  ‘He’s really good. He comes over every day for his dinner – he has dinner with Ali on their own two nights a week, which is just brilliant as it gives Paul and me a break. He’s also started working at the refuge and so far hasn’t invited anyone to live with him. Although he seems a bit keen on Noreen who runs it, so God only knows what’ll happen there.’

  ‘Any word on Nadia?’

  ‘According to Magda, she’s gone back to Poland with her suitcase full of money to have her baby. Good riddance to her. Speaking of mad women, have you seen your stalker Maura lately?’

  ‘Not since Sarah scared her off.’

  ‘Oh, God, don’t remind me – she’s a liability.’

  ‘No, she’s just completely fearless, which is a fantastic way to be.’

  ‘Fearless is one way of putting it. It’s strange, you know. This journey we’ve been on with Ali’s anorexia has made us all closer. Sarah and Ali are getting on really well, but it’s more equal now. Ali is being more assertive and giving out to Sarah when she starts going off on tangents or being sarcastic about the clinic or food. Paul’s home four nights a week for dinner. He eats alone with Ali two nights and then with me and Sarah the other two. He’s just so much more involved with the girls now. His relationship with Sarah is so much better. Instead of fighting all the time they have great banter. And he’s closer to Ali too – he doesn’t have her up on this unnatural pedestal as the perfect child. He realizes that she’s just a normal teenager with problems and insecurities, that she’s going to make mistakes and he needs to be there for her.’

  ‘That must be a relief for Ali. Being stuck with the perfect-child label is impossible to live up to.’

  ‘You’re so right. I think Ali feels a weight off her shoulders, to be honest. And as for Paul and me, things are just so much better. It was scary – we were really drifting apart, but because we’ve had to cling to each other through this rollercoaster ride, we’ve found each other again. Honestly, I feel as if we’ve fallen in love for the second time. It’s amazing.’

  ‘So maybe Ali’s crisis wasn’t all bad.’

  ‘I hate the fact that she’s been so sick and that she won’t fully recover for a long time, but I now believe that in life you get dealt a hand of cards and you just have to struggle through and make the most of what you have. We’re battered and bruised but, as a family, we’re closer, more honest and caring.’

  ‘I’m all about being honest. It’s
worked out for me.’ Sally smiled.

  ‘Which is so fantastic. So, any idea when the wedding will be?’

  ‘We’re thinking late June, when Ali’s exams are over. I want the girls to be my bridesmaids.’

  ‘Oh, Sally, that’s so nice. They’ll be thrilled.’

  ‘It’s probably going to be in Tuscany – I’m working on the location. But it’s literally going to be you guys and us. I’m not inviting any family because if I invite one I have to invite all of them, and Simon’s parents are dead and his brother lives in an ashram in India, so he probably won’t come anyway.’

  ‘What is the blushing bride planning on wearing?’

  ‘Definitely not white. Maybe a scarlet dress, seeing as I’m marrying a divorcee and I’m refusing to procreate.’

  ‘And you’re not exactly a vestal virgin.’

  ‘Not exactly.’

  We giggled.

  I leant back in my chair. ‘Tuscany in June sounds like heaven. I can’t wait.’

  ‘Speaking of which, I’m really sorry, Ava, but I have to go. I’m meeting Simon to pick up the ring. He’s had it enlarged from midget size to big-knuckle size.’

  ‘Off you go. That’s a very important date. I’ll see you tomorrow bright and early.’

  ‘Thanks for a lovely lunch and for your invaluable friendship.’ She kissed me and rushed off to meet Simon.

  I finished my drink, paid the bill, put my coat on and walked down the street feeling the warmth of the spring air as I went.

  Acknowledgements

  I had a lot of help researching this book and I’d especially like to thank:

  Harriet Parsons from Bodywhys for her patience, kindness and generosity in educating me about eating disorders; Dr Valerie Freeman, consultant clinical nutritionist, for helping me understand the potential causes of anorexia and how to heal it; Patricia Deevy, my editor, who was instrumental as always in this book being completed; Rachel Pierce, who held my hand through the numerous rewrites and played a big part in making the book better; Michael McLoughlin, Cliona Lewis, Patricia McVeigh, Brian Walker and all the team at Penguin Ireland for making the publishing process so enjoyable; all in the Penguin UK office, especially Helen Fraser, Tom Weldon, Joanna Prior, Naomi Fidler, Clare Pollock and the fantastic sales, marketing and creative teams; Hazel Orme, as always, for her incredible copy-editing; my agent Gillon Aitken and Kate Shaw and all at the agency for their hard work; Marianne Gunn O’Connor – my new partner in crime; Mick Drumm for his insight into surfing.

  Thanks to my friends for their warmth, humour and most of all their loyalty. Good friends are a very precious commodity. To Sue and Mike for always being there. To Mum and Dad for always cheering me on. To Hugo, Geordy and our beautiful little Amy, for allowing me to experience the joy of unconditional love. And to Troy, for putting up with me and encouraging me as I tore my hair out over this book and, most of all, for being the best person in the world to go through life with.

  This book was difficult to write. I felt such a strong sense of responsibility to honour the many incredible women I met who helped with my research. I have tried to portray eating disorders in an honest and candid way. Unfortunately the clinic described in the book is fictional. There are no such clinics in Ireland for sufferers of eating disorders. This is something that needs to be changed. Bodywhys and other voluntary organizations like it are doing incredible work to help sufferers of eating disorders and their families. But it’s not enough: we need government funding and we need to increase awareness of this potentially fatal illness.

  About Eating Disorders and the Lack of Public Health Care for Sufferers

  There are currently just three public hospital beds allocated to eating disorders in Ireland. The three beds are located in St Vincent’s Hospital in Dublin. This sorry figure demonstrates how far down on the government’s list of priorities eating disorders fall.

  The Department of Health estimates that up to two hundred thousand people in Ireland may be affected by eating disorders. An estimated four hundred new cases emerge each year, with eighty deaths annually.

  According to a 2007 study of Irish children and adolescents, 1.2 per cent of Irish girls may be at risk of developing anorexia nervosa, with 2 per cent at risk of developing bulimia nervosa. HRB data shows that in the case of child and adolescent psychiatric admissions in Ireland in 2007, eating disorders represented the second highest level of diagnosis at 15 per cent; 71.4 per cent of Irish adolescents feel adversely affected by media portrayal of body weight and shape.

  There has been a 67 per cent increase in the number of men treated for eating disorders in the UK in the last five years.

  Bodywhys – the Eating Disorders Association of Ireland – is the national voluntary organization supporting people affected by eating disorders. It provides a network of support groups across the country for those affected by eating disorders. It also runs groups for friends and family members who may be in need of support. The groups are facilitated by trained volunteers and are free to attend.

  The Bodywhys LoCall Helpline (1890 200 444) runs seven days per week, and is staffed by trained volunteers who provide support and information to people affected by eating disorders and to their friends and family members. For up-to-date times of operation, see www.bodywhys.ie

  BodywhysConnect is an online support group, which is particularly popular with young people and with those who wish to maintain anonymity or are living in an isolated area. The service runs four–five nights per month and is based on the website at www.bodywhys.ie

  The Bodywhys email support service, alex@bodywhys.ie, allows for increased anonymity and flexibility while providing the optimal level of support.