“You didn’t seem too broken up about it last night when you were begging me to fuck you.”
“I wasn’t begging. I don’t beg.”
“Whatever.” I pick up a paddle and start playing a video game. “You know where the door is when you’re done staring.”
“I’m not leaving. You never answered me last night.”
“I thought I made it pretty damn clear where I stand.”
“You said you loved her, but that doesn’t mean you stopped loving me, Josh.”
“Jesus Christ, take a fucking hint.”
She’s crying again. The heartless bitch that ruined my life is sobbing in front of me, because of me. I run my hands through my hair and try to rationalize with what’s going on. “I’m sorry. I never expected this.”
“It was time, Liv. Tamsyn is good to me. I won’t screw it up, regardless of our history.”
“What if I said I dropped everything to come back to you?”
“I’d say you’re a few months too late.”
“Just like that? Your feelings for me, that you’ve had your whole life, are gone?”
“I’m not talking about it.”
“Because I’m right.”
“We’re not kids anymore, Liv.”
I hear shuffling, but choose to ignore her to play my game, up until she’s standing in front of the screen in nothing but a pair of lace panties. No clothes. No bra. Just the skimpiest of panties. “Look at me, Josh.”
I throw the paddle down, but refuse to give her my attention. First off I’m pissed. Secondly, I’m scared. This is the type of shit only I could somehow get myself into. I’m trying my hardest to hate her, to hide the residual feelings that will probably never go away. I know right from wrong. She doesn’t belong here. I never asked for this.
“Please look at me,” she says as her hands come up and force me to do it. I stare into her eyes instead of looking at her body I memorized years ago.
“Don’t do this to me. Please go away. I don’t want to hurt Tamsyn. I promised.”
“My sweet Joshua, she never has to know.” Her hands run through my hair, while her breasts lean up against my face. I can feel a sting in my eyes, and know exactly what it implies. This is tearing me apart. For years I’ve wanted this. I’ve waited patiently. I’ve done everything in order to be free when she came to her senses, up until a month or so ago. Now my life is headed in another direction. I don’t want to look back. I can’t let this happen.
I close my eyes and pray she gets the hint. “If you feel nothing for me, why won’t you look at me?”
“Because you’re naked and I have a girlfriend.”
“There isn’t a ring on your finger, so you don’t belong to anyone.”
I stand, pushing her back until she’s almost falling on her ass. “My heart does.” I rush out of the room, and make it halfway to my uncle’s house before stopping.
This hurts.
It’s like daggers shoved into my heart. I’d rather have my dick chopped off then look at either of them and break their hearts, yet I’m doing it, and I feel disgusted over it.
I’m agitated when I come upon my cousin Jax. He’s unhooking a bucket from a tractor in order to attach another farm tool. He skids out and stands, brushing off the dust as I approach. “Hey, cuz. You look like you’re about to lose your shit.”
“How would you know that?”
“Cause I have the same expression when it happens to me. What’s up with you?”
“I love Tamsyn,” I announce out of the blue.
“Okay. We all figured it was serious. You don’t keep chicks around for this long.”
I shake my head. “Liv just came onto me.”
“Liv? Wes’ sister? That Liv? The one you swore up and down that there was nothing going on between you for years?”
“Yeah, that Liv.”
“So, did you hit it?”
“No!” I scrunch up my face. I’m aggravated he thinks I have.
“What’s the problem, dude?”
“This was a mistake. Never mind.”
Jax stops me before I make it halfway to the barn. “Hold up. I think I know what’s going on. I think most of us do. All these years. You’ve been holding out on us haven’t you?”
“She didn’t want anyone to know. Nothing personal.”
“Damn. Does Wes know?”
“Not really.”
“So she’s back and she wants you?”
“Apparently.”
“But you love Tamsyn?”
“That’s what I said.”
“And you still love Liv?”
“You’re fucking genius, Jax. Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Holy shit. I’m the last person to ask for advice. Jake’s more loyal. You should ask him.”
“Ask me what?” Jake peeks his head out from the barn. “I heard my name fuckers. Don’t hold out on me. What are you signing me up for?”
This is terrible. Now they’re both involved in my problems. I shake my head and let Jax give his twin the rundown. Then we’re all three standing around with our thumbs up our asses.
Jake comes up and puts his hand on my shoulder. “Tell that bitch to take a hike and stick with Tamsyn. You’ve got something good. Don’t fuck it up.”
Jax interjects. “Or he could hit it one more time to get her out of his system completely.”
“Like a goodbye fuck?” Jake adds.
I’m rolling my eyes. I should have gone to my dad before talking to these two fools. “Can you two be serious? This is my life.”
“Look,” Jake begins. “You’re in a committed relationship with Tamsyn and you love her. Either move on and have a life with her, or end it and go back to Liv. You can’t have both. I mean, you probably can for a time, but it won’t end well.”
“I told Liv to leave me alone.”
“Then you’re good.”
“She was naked in my room when I left. She’s probably still there.”
“Well shit on a stick. Naked?”
“Yeah. She’s more desperate than I’ve ever seen. For the first time in our lives I feel like she’s being genuine.”
“Tamsyn’s out of the country right?” Jax asks.
Jake stops his brother. “Imagine it’s Amber. Would you cheat?”
“She’s my wife. We’re talking about our single cousin.”
“Tamsyn is in Mexico with her parents for five more days.”
“Then you have four days to make a decision. If I were you, I’d think about the future. A goodbye fuck could ruin everything you have with Tamsyn. If she ever found out, well we all know what good girls do when us men fuck up and screw around,” Jake explains, while Jax pretends to cut his throat to add.
“I’m going to tell Liv she has to leave me alone. I refuse to stoop to her level. It’s over between us.”
“Good choice.” Jax says.
When I return to my house, eager to get my point across, Liv is gone. I sigh with relief. It’s quiet, and for once I feel like I’ve made the right choice. I went with my heart.
I find my mom in the kitchen. She and Dad are playing a serious game of cards. They have real money in between them, both of their faces focused on their hands. “Am I interrupting?”
They stop when they hear me. “No, sweetie. Did Olivia leave?” Mom asks.
“Don’t know. Don’t care.”
“That’s not very nice, Josh.”
I lean on the counter and finally get the courage to explain. “Long story short, Liv came her to see if I’d sleep with her for old times sake. It’s about time everyone knows the truth. I’ve been in love with that girl since we were kids. She broke my heart, and now she’s back because she knows I’m happy. I’m not having it. If she comes here again, don’t let her in. I don’t care if she’s with Wes.”
Dad is quiet. He’s shaking his head with his arms folded across his chest.
Mom looks upset, as if she’s responsible for Liv being a part o
f every summer. I feel the need to reassure her she’s not at fault. “Don’t look at me like that, Mom. I’m fine.”
“I let her in your room. I was nice to her, because I thought it was a friendly visit.”
“I took care of it, just like I did last night when she tried to get to me.”
“Does Wes know?” Dad asks.
“No. To be honest, I’ve kept the truth from everyone. She asked me to.”
“Son, he’s your best friend.”
“And she’s his little sister.”
My dad nods. He gets it. “Your mother and I like Tamsyn. She’s a good girl. I hope you continue to make the right choice. It would be a shame to see her go.”
This is his way of warning me not to screw things up. He’s giving me that look, the one that says he doubts I can withstand temptation. It’s no secret my mom was married to another man when they got together. Regardless of the circumstances, I’m more inclined to go elsewhere for advice. “I care about Tamsyn. She’s my best friend. No, that’s not all she is.” I correct myself. “I love her.”
My mom smiles at me, and it’s like everything stops hurting for a few seconds. “We’ll make sure Olivia doesn’t come for a visit anymore.”
“Thanks.”
My father scoots out his chair and stands. “I think I need a beer. You interested?”
I nod. “Yeah, sure.”
He kisses my mom on the cheek. “We’re going to the barn. You should join us. We’ll shoot pool and play some cards. I think our son could use the company tonight.”
“I’ll grab a jacket,” my mom replies.
When she’s gone my dad pulls me to the side. “Drink the pain away until it doesn’t hurt anymore. By the time Tamsyn gets back you’ll be glad you did.”
“Coming from someone with a history of drug dependency.”
“I was younger than you when that happened. I partied too hard, but once I met your mom it all changed. I don’t want that to happen to you. I’d rather you get drunk and pass out in the barn where I know you’re safe, then go out and get behind the wheel, or make bad choices because you’re head is screwed to shit.”
“I get it.”
“Good. First drink is on me.”
We both laugh.
The barn; where the beer is cold and the hard liquor stays stocked. Dad pours us his favorite mix of whiskey and coke, then sits a beer in front of me to chase it down, while my mom takes a fruity can of something out of the beverage cooler. I'm used to having dinners with the three of us since my sisters have all moved out. I think I get along with my parents more now than ever before. They adore Tamsyn. She’s invited to everything. I'm half surprised they haven't asked her to move in. I'm getting used to coming in after a hard days work and finding her helping out in the kitchen. She fits. It’s probably a good part of the reason I'm so crazy about her.
I don't waste time sipping the strong drink, but gulp it down and request another. I'm with my parents. They'll make sure I'm tucked in somewhere with a warm blanket to keep me toasty throughout the night.
I just hope my dad’s advice works, because if not, I’m afraid of what I might be capable of doing to my near perfect relationship with my girlfriend.
Chapter 18
Joshua
We finish off two bottles of bourbon and seven beers, and that’s not counting the ones my mom drank. I’m stumbling on my words, making it as far as the couch in the barn before crashing down upon it. The room is spinning, and I’m rambling on but no one is listening. My mom had to help my dad up to the house, and I assured her I would be fine staying the night on the couch. She’s left the television on. I can hear it playing, but I know if I open my eyes I might vomit. It’s best to just pass out and start over in the morning.
My last thoughts are of Tamsyn, and the way it feels to have her in my arms. She’s turned me into a pussy whipped bitch, and I don’t even care. I’m happy. I deserve this.
Things get foggy. I’m out one minute, but then hear someone saying my name the next. I attempt to open my eyes, but the light is too bright. I feel pressure. There’s a body on top of me. “Tamsyn,” I mumble.
“I’m not Tamsyn,” the voice responds clearly.
My eyes open and I’m pinned down by Liv. I’m trying to sit up, but laugh at myself when I’m unable to. “Let me go. It’s not funny. How did you get here? Mom said you’re not allowed near me.”
“Your mom isn’t here. It’s just us now, Josh. No more lies. I need you.”
“No,” I argue. “You have to go. Tamsyn loves me. I made a promise.” I realize I’m drunk, but doing my best to get my point across. “Get off me,” I slur.
“Make love to me, Josh. Please.” She takes my hand and forces it to touch her body. I look away, like if I’m not watching, it isn’t happening.
“I can’t.”
“Look at me.”
I’m fighting so hard. My heart knows what I want. It won’t fail me. It can’t.
“Please look at me, Josh. Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me anymore.”
“Stop this. I’m not messing around.” It’s becoming harder to speak. “I love peaches and sweet tea. That’s all.”
She slaps me. “Be serious.”
“Fine. I used to love you, until you tore my heart out of my chest. You made me a monster. I hate you.”
She tries to kiss me and I turn my head. “Josh, I need you. Please don’t do this to me.” She’s crying. “I need you. I need you to come back to me. It’s always been you, baby. I’m sorry I hurt you. We can be good again. This time we won’t have to hide. We’ll make it official. Be with me, Joshua Healy. Come back to me.”
I can feel that I’m getting emotional. It’s the liquor. Normally I don’t let me feelings show. “Please don’t make me tell the truth.”
Then it’s done. She knows. A smile forms across her face. Her shirt comes off first before she leans forward and brushes her lips over mine. “Tell me the truth, and I’ll make it up to you for the rest of our lives.”
“I can only choose one of you,” I explain. “She won’t hurt me.”
“Forgive me.” She places my hands on her hips and begins rocking. “Love me, Josh. It’s always been us. Remember our first time? You told me if I slept with you that you’d promise to marry me one day. I’m holding you to that promise, baby. I’m coming home to make things right. All you have to do is let this happen. Stop fighting what we both want.”
“Please don’t make me do this. I’m weak when it comes to you, Liv. She’ll never forgive me if I fuck you.”
“You won’t need her now that I’m back.”
I’m still fighting it. “No. I do. I need her.”
“You need me.”
Liv stands. She grabs her shirt and starts running toward the barn door. I manage to sit up and look around the room. I feel like I’m dreaming, but I can’t be too sure. It’s the middle of the night, and I’ve been assured my parents wouldn’t let her near me. This can’t be real.
Just to make certain, I stumble out into the darkness and search for any signs of Liv. I follow the sounds of sobbing and find her sitting on the hard gravel out back of the barn. She sees me coming and covers her face. “Go away. You’ve said enough.”
“You did this, Liv. I waited for you. God damn it, I waited years. I sacrificed my own happiness because I swore you’d come back to me one day. You destroyed me. Go get married. Live your life. I’m done waiting for you.”
“But I’m here. Josh, I’m not getting married.”
“What?”
“You heard me. I’m moving back to North Carolina. It’s what you wanted.”
“You’re trying to trick me because I’ve been drinking.”
She stands and rushes toward me. My reaction time is off, so it’s hard to prepare for her to be up in my face. “I’m not trying to trick you.” She forces my hand into hers. “I’m real. It’s been months. I’ve missed you so much. I didn’t know what I lost until
there was a chance I couldn’t get you back. Please don’t do this to us. Give me another chance.” She looks me dead in the eyes and says those words she’s never meant before. “I love you.”
I can’t stop myself. I know it’s wrong, and that it shouldn’t happen, but I’m helpless. She’s in my arms again. I’m pushing her up against the barn, lifting her while she’s reaching down and unfastening my belt. I’m angry. I loathe what I’m doing, but I have to fuck her.
She tugs my pants down with her feet, and I do the same with her bottoms. We’re kissing but it’s rough and messy, our teeth clanking together quite a few times at first. Then it’s happening. I enter her, thrusting harder each time. I’m releasing years of pent anxiety. All the heartache and the pain is being washed away with each second. She’s destroying everything I care about and I know it.
The damage is done. It’s too late to take it back. I’m banging Liv up against the old barn where we’ve spent plenty of nights together. I’m taking the woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, and I fucking hate myself because of it.
I wake up on the couch. I’m alone. It’s morning, and the sun is shining in through a window. When I hear the sound of the door I sit up and take in the surroundings. My dad walks up and hands me a cup of coffee. “I feel like shit. How about you?”
I’m confused. “I slept like shit. I had a dream I cheated on Tamsyn. No more bourbon before bed.” It’s not until I stand up that I realize something is off. My belt is missing.
Then my dad pulls something from his back pockets. “I found this outside. If you’re going to take a piss, don’t do it against the building. The sun starts beating down and then I’ve got to get the hose out to rid the smell.”
“Sorry,” I manage, all the while trying to think of any other way my belt could have ended up in the exact spot I dreamed of fucking Liv. “You seen my cell phone?”
“You had it at the table last night.”
When I check it’s still in the same area. My stomach is in knots as I try to recap what was real and what wasn’t. I’m freaking out, but I refuse to let my father know. He’d kick my ass for messing things up with Tamsyn. Before she comes home, I’m going to have to face Liv and figure out what the hell happened, if anything.
Joshua Healy (Mitchell Healy Book 10) Page 12
